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ilguna · 4 years

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Metanoia - Chapter Sixteen (f.o)

Summary: you will be crowned victor of the 75th hunger games.

Word Count; 8.8k

Warnings; swearing, mention of murder

NOTES: i give reader a last name to fit the world.

–

“You’re still sure you want to do this?” Finnick asks, you give him a look.

“If you don’t want to come, you don’t have to. Feel free to join Katniss’ star squad.” you snort at the name of it, “Boggs already made us the offer and said we can change our minds at any time up until we leave.”

“I remember.” Finnick says, he grips his shiny, new trident in his hand tightly, before deciding that he might as well strap it to his body so he’s not carrying it around everywhere, “I just thought you might want to back out is all.”

You roll your eyes, “The day I back out of anything, is the day I’m a coward.”

“I’m Commander Paylor of District Eight.” Paylor begins, Finnick’s head immediately snaps up to see her, you practically already have Paylor’s speech memorized, “I’m a soldier like all of you so, here’s what I know. For the first time in our lifetimes, we’re standing together with thirteen districts. From what I see here, we’ve already made history.”

The clapping starts first, the cheering is a second behind. There’s a shitload of people here. No only in the streets, but on the rooftops too. Volunteers from every district have been flown in, leading up to this moment. What you did yesterday, really opened up a ton of opportunities.

“But history doesn’t stop to celebrate, and we’re facing an enemy that will not change and will never surrender. President Snow has pulled back peacekeepers to fortify the center of the city. He’s evacuating residents from outer blocks, these civilians will be confused and desperate. You are under orders not to target them.”

Paylor motions to the crowd, “We’re deploying medical brigades to help anyone in need. We’ll show the Capitol people who we are.” she motions to the live screen behind her of a map, “To slow our advance, President Snow is building a minefield of traps and lethal devices called ‘pods’. The sadistic inventions of gamemakers meant to make sport of our deaths.

“If our armies make it past peacekeepers and other defenses, we’ll converge in the center of the city at Snow’s mansion, where we won’t just unlock his gates, but unshackle all of Panem.” The crowd cheers again, “If we die, let it be for a cause and not a spectacle. If we succeed, let it be for all of panem, and let it be forever.

“Yes, you’ve already made history. But the future--our future--starts tomorrow at dawn, when we march together into the Capitol.”

The cheering resumes, and you give a quick glance to Katniss and Gale, curious to see how they’re taking all of this. Gale came into District Two a little after you had left--he was on a hovercraft full of volunteers--and Katniss came over this morning as a stowaway on another volunteer hovercraft.

She’s been insisting to help this entire time, not wanting to sit back. However, she’s going to be in for a nasty surprise when she realizes that she’s the top priority. Her squad is going to do anything to keep her safe--which is exactly why you’ve decided not to join the star squad.

You’ve already had the misfortune of being in on protecting her once, and that was enough for you. You might not have known every single detail, but the intentions were pretty clear. You’re just surprised that it took so long for Katniss to realize that she was the priority.

Also, the problem with the star squad is that they’re not front lines. Katniss can’t be killed, otherwise the revolution dies or whatever. So, Boggs told you that they’re going to give the volunteers a head start, and then they’ll follow behind. No matter what happens, the squad will still have to be careful of pods and whatnot, but most of them will be taken out by the volunteers by the time the squad leaves the base.

In other words--they’re not going to get any action. Katniss is still going to be filmed, but it’s practically useless in your mind. Her setting off pods or standing patriotically in front of things isn’t going to do much. She’s not leading anyone, she’s following behind people.

Which is a whole other reason why you’re up front: you’re not a follower, you’re a leader.

As Paylor gets back to her speech, giving more information, you grab a hold of Finnick’s arm, and start to pull him out of the crowd. Trying to navigate through is hard at first, until the volunteers see the look on your face, or recognize who you are. After that, a path just wide enough for you and Finnick to fit through, forms.

“Where are we going?”

“Anywhere but here, we were already briefed.” you say, and the second you’re out of the crowd, you let Finnick go.

Bouncing on your toes, you twirl around a bit, “Tomorrow, huh? Too bad it can’t be today.”

“We’ll probably be introduced to our squad at least.” Finnick says, “You know where to go?”

“What kind of moronic question is that?” you ask, heading to the building that Lyme said would be the meet up spot for you guys, “Of course I know.”

Lyme and Boggs had approached both you and Finnick. Either you could join Katniss’ star squad, protect her, befriend her, trust her--whatever. You guys would have a chance of being on television, and maybe even share some glory of ‘being brave and marching to the Capitol’. In your opinion, it looks like Coin just wants to put two of her best faces together to make you look like a team.

Especially after what you said to the people inside of the tunnel, you basically discredited Katniss in the worst way possible. By saying that she can’t relate to them, because she doesn’t get it. You said what you said, you weren’t lying to their faces. If Coin wants to think that, then she can because she’s psychotic anyway.

Anyway, Lyme said that you could go to the front lines. Like you said, Coin doesn’t control you, because you aren’t the one leading the masses--Katniss is. If you want to go ahead and clear out streets for the medical brigades, then you can go nuts with it. You’ll get your own personalized squad that Lyme thinks will get along with you, and then you’re free to go tomorrow.

You’ll have your own pod-tracker, a map to follow, food and water, weapons, etc. But this just means that you’re going to be in danger with every step you take. The pod-tracker, which is actually called the Holo, will be as updated as can be, tomorrow. However, if any new pods appear, you won’t really know until it’s too late.

You received all of this news pretty well. You’re used to being in places you’re not welcome at. You’re pretty agile, you can fight well, you’re not too bad when it comes to leading a group. And if you get killed on the way, what a noble way to go out.

As for Finnick, you could just tell that this isn’t what he thought it was going to be. You don’t know what he expected exactly, but it wasn’t a whole ton of danger all wrapped up in one big city. Seeing the Capitol as dangerous is a comedy. To you two, it’s been sparkle and shimmer for as long as you can remember.

Combining the pretty idea of it, and the idea that the gamemakers have not held back with what will go on with traps--isn’t a fun thought. Especially not for you, since you’re the one who’s seen it as glamour the entire time. Finnick… you’re not too sure. He definitely doesn’t have good memories either, but he also got his shitload of secrets from there, so you’re not entirely sure.

You know that he’s pro-rebellion though. That’s obvious by now.

Back to what you were saying, Boggs and Lyme both offered sides to it. Follow Katniss around and not be in direct danger all the time, or have your own squad and be face-to-face with danger. She liked to describe it as ‘death breathing down your neck’.

You already promised a lot of people that you wouldn’t be taking the cowards way out. And like you’ve said already; you don’t want to be in the star squad.

While the entire interaction was happening, it was obvious that Finnick was hoping you would change your mind. Like everything that you’ve done up until now has been one entire joke.

He’ll realize just how real it’ll all be as soon as tomorrow comes. When the deal with Boggs no longer stands and you have to go with Lyme no matter what.

Actually, you wouldn’t have to go with her. You would be able to just stay in District Two, while all the volunteers do your dirty work.

“Remember any of the names that she told us?” You ask Finnick, looking at him.

He’s got his thumbs looped into the straps of the bulletproof vest he’s wearing. He thinks for a moment, and then makes a face, “Not really.”

You shrug, “Not a problem, I’ve got a way around seeming rude.”

Finnick laughs, “You care about that?”

“They’re going to be the ones saving our necks, so yeah.” You say, cracking your knuckles, “They’re not a bunch of victors that I can mouth off to. They’re regular people, they won’t understand and will end up taking it personally.”

“Critical thinking.” Finnick mocks.

If you didn’t have all this armor on, you’d spin around and kick his ass. Even then, he might be able to win. When you two were putting the outfits on, he looked like none of the weight fazed him. As for you, your knees nearly buckled.

On top of the armor are the backpacks, and then your fancy weapons, and a hundred other things inside of the backpacks. It makes it all so heavy, and your shoulders had begun to ache after a while.

The only reason why you’re still wearing it—because in no way was it required to be worn—is because you want to get used to the feeling of it all. It’s why you continue to move around quickly, bounce on your toes, spin in circles and all of that. You’re trying to fix your balance.

If Finnick had tried to push you over when you first put all this weight on, you would have stumbled and fell. Now, you’ve begun to get a hang of it all, it’s not nearly as bad as you thought it was.

You two make it to the abandoned building. The upper floor is caved in, the windows are gone and if the ground shakes, concrete debris will come through the cracks. Definitely not a safe place to be at, but the entire district is fucked up like this. It’s not really a huge surprise.

The inside of the building is relatively empty, except for some furniture. Finnick waits by the door while you head inside, stealing two chairs--one in each arm--as you leave the house. If the place collapses, you’d rather be on the outside, not the entire.

Finnick takes his chair from you, and the two of you set up camp outside. You have to shed the backpack before you sit. Then, you unbuckle the bulletproof vest and drop it onto the dirt next to you, leaning back in the chair.

“Have you ever actually gone to war before?” Finnick asks.

“There’s always a first time for everything.” you give him a pretty smile, “Don’t be so negative about it, you’re going to imagine bad things and then get us killed.”

Finnick pauses for a moment, letting what you said sit, and then he moves on, “Are you doing okay?”

You watch his face, looking for mockery. It takes a moment of you squinting and watching the corner of his lips for you to decide. He’s being sincere about it, he actually cares.

You relax, “I’m still mourning, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Finnick is just as relieved as you are, “Are you throwing yourself into this because of her?”

“I’m doing this because I promised those people that I would.”

“You keep saying that, but you don’t owe them anything--” Finnick tries.

You squint at him again, but this time it’s a very clear glare. Finnick shifts uncomfortably in his chair, and you resist to kick out the weakest leg that’s barely holding his weight.

“They are my people.” you lean forward, “I might not know their names, but they’re District Two. They are the people that I grew up with. They look up to us, they depend on us victors. Of course I owe them, and you do too.”

Finnick doesn’t bother with saying anything else, and it’s probably for the best. It’s only a few minutes later when you see people approaching. After that, you sit up in your chair, uncrossing your legs as you lean on your knees with your elbows.

“You must be (Y/n) and Finnick.” a girl with blonde, curled hair says, “I’m Hydri.”

You get to your feet, holding out your hand, “Nice to meet you.

“This is Taurus,” she motions to a tall man with black hair. There’s tattoos snaking up his neck, and they’re peeking out from beneath his sleeves, “And Alioth.”

Alioth is around average height. He gives a small smile and raises his hand as a greeting. His hair is blonde too, and it’s a style that was most definitely taken out of the Capitol’s stylists books. The sides are shaved but they have intricate designs in them.

“Let me guess, you two are from District Two?” you ask, shaking Taurus’ hand, and then Alioths.

“Not me.” Hydri smiles kindly, “Taurus is from District One, though. He was nearly in the games once.”

“It’s a good thing I wasn’t, you would have wiped the floor with my body.” Taurus says, his voice is pretty deep.

“No shit.” you laugh, “I always heard about the runner-up from District One, but I never got to see who you were.”

Taurus cracks a smile.

Finnick moves around you to greet them just the same as you did. Then, the conversation shifts to what you’re all really here for--what happens tomorrow.

The entire thing is very friendly, you all go over what you’ll be having inside the backpacks, and the difference between them. Just so that if one of you get hurt or killed, the others will know if the backpack is worth taking or not. While you’re talking, you learn that Alioth will be carrying mostly medical stuff. He’s got food and ammo for himself, but when he opens his backpack and shows it to you guys, you can see exactly what he means.

To have him get killed would be bad. You all have basic medical training, from the games or otherwise. But Alioth’s been studying it for years now since he got out of high school. He originally wanted to sign up for the medical brigade that will be sent out of District Two, but Paylor thought it would be better for him to come with you guys.

Taurus has got the basic prep-games training that you guys get in the academies, so he’ll be a pretty good fighter. Another person you guys wouldn’t want to lose, and yet he tells you all that he doesn’t care if you lean on him. It’s what he’s here for.

As for Hydri, she’s purely for organization. She’s been studying the maps for the last few days, so she’ll be able to keep you from getting lost and from getting off-track. You’ll be able to meet up around Snow’s mansion in the center city. They’ve already marked a building that’s not really used, so it’s the perfect place to go.

After a while, the conversation starts to get a bit dull, and it’s also around the same time that the sun has set. So, you tell them all that you and Finnick are going to grab dinner and head to where you’re staying for the night. Tomorrow, you five will be meeting up in a separate designated spot to receive the Holo, and then hop on a truck to be brought to the city.

Then, you’ll be fighting for your life. Again.

You turn the Holo over in your hand, looking at it carefully.

“Don’t break it, we could barely even spare you this one.” the lady tells you.

You look at her, raising your head to be level with her face. Finnick--sensing a showdown--steps in, “Thank you.”

He tries to drag you away, but you keep your stance for a moment, “Lyme personally requested it for me, so you aren’t sparing jack shit. Go fuck yourself.” without missing a beat, you take the Holo from her fingers, mock a smile and say, “I mean, have a nice day.”

You and Finnick leave the table after that, heading over to your group. They’re pulling on the last of their outfits, readjusting straps and buckling up. Taurus is messing around with Alioth slightly while Hydri watches.

They act like they’ve known each other forever, despite the fact that you’re all from varying districts. Taurus is from one, while you and Alioth are from two. Finnick is from four, and Hydri is from District Six. So far, you seem to like them. But they’re obviously a little apprehensive when it comes to you.

You don’t take it personally anymore.

“Got the Holo?” Hydri asks.

You lift it up for her to see, “We’re all good to go.”

“It’s already set up?” Taurus asks.

“Bitch at the booth taught me.”

Taurus snorts, “Let’s go then.”

Hydri leads the way, with Alioth right by her. Taurus hands back with you and Finnick during the walk. For them, it’s not quiet, but for you, it is.

At first, you’re looking at the groups of people getting ready to go to the trucks. And then your eyes wander a little further to where the tents are on the base. From where you are right now, you have a perfect line of sight to where Boggs is standing, talking to some woman, around them stands a few other people.

“How many people do you think have going with Katniss?” you ask.

“Remember when I ran off this morning?” Finnick asks, you nod but don’t look at him, “Went to talk to Boggs. Katniss has got her camera crew from District Thirteen with her, Gale, and the other five.”

“Huh.” you shift your gaze to the trucks, watching some of them take off. Then, it clicks in your head. Five, Katniss, Gale, and the four from the camera crew, “eleven people?”

“Yup. That’ll be a nightmare.” Finnick mutters, “Katniss is probably planning her escape at this exact moment.”

“And it would have been thirteen if we went with them.” you whistle, “There’s no safety in numbers. They’re all going to end up dead.”

Taurus turns his head a little in your direction, you can see the scowl on his face. Yet, he doesn’t ask any questions and just lets what you said slide. He doesn’t look like the confrontational type, but when he does, it’s when he’s pushed the edge. He just has that air about him.

“You really think that?” Finnick asks.

You look at him, “Thirteen people, all with different ambitions and minds of their own. All it would take is for one person to mess up, and the rest are dead. Especially since we’re walking into a minefield.”

Shaking your head, you turn the Holo in your hand, “Katniss will be lucky if she makes it past the first round of pods.”

“You hate her that much, huh?” Taurus finally pitches in, but he doesn’t look at you.

“I don’t hate her, and I don’t loathe her either. She should’ve stayed in District Thirteen, but it’s too late for that now.” you glance behind you to where Boggs is, one final time before they’re finally out of sight.

Boggs seems to be staring at you too, and when he realizes you’re looking back, he raises his hand. You stutter to do the same--mostly because you’re surprised at the action--but you do it, nonetheless. After, a building blocks the view, and you’re forced to go back to focusing on the trucks.

Hydri leads you right to an armoured truck. She knocks on the door once or twice, and then steps back as she waits for them to swing open. It takes a moment, but they do. On the inside, there’s already a couple of people sitting inside on the right. The guy who answered, takes a seat to the right again.

Hydri moves aside, a bright smile on her face as she motions for you guys to go inside. Alioth doesn’t hesitate, with one hand grabbing the bar to the left, and him taking one big step to get himself up. Then, he moves right on back. When Taurus gets up there, he doesn’t struggle with the step as much as Alioth had.

Finnick goes in before you, but he doesn’t sit down right away, instead offering his hand. You grab the bar with your left hand, and his hand with your right. Working together, he pulls you into the truck with no problem. Then, he offers the same courtesy to Hydri, but makes sure she doesn’t get the seat right next to you.

“Thanks.” you mutter, closing your eyes as you lean your head back.

“Anytime.”

Alioth must’ve leaned forward to talk to the driver through the window or something, because the truck gets moving after that. The ride is relatively bumpy at the start, since the trucks had been parked in gravel, but it smoothes out once you’re on the cement.

“Are we getting dropped off in the same spot?” Hydri asks.

“No, we’re earlier than you guys are. Trying to spread out and all.”

“That’s what I thought. At least Paylor knows what she’s doing.” Hydri sighs.

“Did you hear about Lyme?” Taurus asks.

“She’s fine.” Hydri says, “(Y/n) saw her this morning, it was just a scratch. Lyme will be back on her feet, and she might even join us in the center circle.”

“If we make it that far.”

Taurus sighs too, and the conversation between the two groups ends right there.

A while later, there’s some rustling around, making you open your eyes to see what’s going on exactly. The group across from you is getting their backpacks and weapons ready.

They’re talking amongst themselves, mostly about where the nearest pod is going to be the moment they stop off. It’s too bad that they won’t be able to locate where exactly, all they know is that it exists somewhere.

The truck comes to a slow stop, Hydri helps the other girl open the door, and she holds it open so it’s easier for the second group to leave. The other girl says a thank you, and then the doors are shut again.

Taurus and Hydri move to the other bench to make it more comfortable between you five. And Hydri just opens her mouth to say something, when there’s an explosion. For a moment, you think it’s okay, until the truck teeters, and then tips. Unfortunately, it’s in yours, Finnick’s and Alioth’s direction.

There’s not much you can do.

Butterflies swarm in your stomach. A scream rises to your throat. You reach out to grab something--anything.

Your fingers just barely latch onto the edge of the bench, but you hang onto it.

Your back slams against the truck painfully, but your head is cushioned. While you’re staring at what used to be the wall, which is now the ceiling, something slams into the metal next to you.

You look over to your right, trying to see who it is. Finnick is in your way though, and he’s already getting to his elbows, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” you tell him, sitting up and scooting back. Finnick had cushioned your head with his arm--you’re not sure if that was on purpose or if he was flailing just like you were.

Hydri is on her hands and knees next to Finnick, it just means she went flying towards you guys. At least she’s breathing and awake. Taurus is in the dip of the floor, sitting because he can’t stand. And with a look to Alioth, he gives a thumbs up to you.

“Get the doors open.” you tell Taurus, unbuckling the backpack from your body, and then you lean down and grab the Holo.

You turn it on, squinting at it through blurry vision. You blink a couple of times, watching as the device comes to life, and the orange dots take over the blue landscape. The nearest pod is about a hundred feet away--so they couldn’t have set off that one.

The doors slam open, and Taurus reaches for your backpack. He carefully drops it on the outside, eyes glued to the flames that are engulfing a building.

“New pod.” You say, “They ran into one of the new ones.”

You get up with the help of Taurus, not waiting for anyone else. After you slide out, you land on your feet harshly. Another look to the Holo shows an orange dot where the fire is.

“Figures.” you say, picking up the backpack and slinging it over your shoulder.

“(Y/n)--stop!” Finnick’s voice is hard, “What if there’s another?”

You turn around for a moment, “Did you not see what just happened? What if--”

There’s a blast of heat, and then the sound follows. You make a face, but don’t cover your ears as you look to where you were heading.

A second pod has been set off, and one of the people that were inside of the truck, now struggles to put the fire out. They flail, dancing around like they don’t know what they’re doing. Then, they shed the backpack, and the jacket--which are both charcoal black now--until they eventually sink to their knees, since the flamethrower is still targeting them, following their every move.

You open your mouth as if words will form, but all you feel is your hot breath on your lips as you breathe out.

“Are there any survivors?” Alioth asks, rocks crunching beneath his feet.

“They’re all dead.” Taurus says, “We should check on the drivers--”

“Alive!” Hydri calls, which makes you all turn, “But the driver’s got a head wound from the airbag.

Alioth doesn’t care, he goes ahead and checks them out anyway. You go from staring at the fire to looking at the path you took to get here. It would be a long walk back, and even then there’s no guarantee that Boggs will take you back. Or if you’ll make it in time.

“What are you thinking?” Finnick asks.

You reach up with your right hand, grabbing the left backpack strap as you tilt your head for a moment, “That we better be careful where we step from now on.”

Those two explosions that the second group had set off, might have been the first to happen, but they weren’t the last. It was just the beginning of the chain, that probably won’t end until the last volunteer travels through the Capitol.

The gamemakers were smart with their placement--you just have to admit it. They chose the very outskirts of the city, knowing full well that there would be a ton of volunteers that wouldn’t suspect a goddamn thing. You all were expecting the pods to be further into the city, not lining the outering of it.

It’s clear why they did it though, when those first pods went off, it was an indicator that you guys were now coming into the city. It was a way for all those peacekeepers to gear up and find a place to hide until a group of volunteers came through the streets. It would also let Snow know that he should probably be pulling back his citizens a little more forcefully, now.

And not only all of that, but the fact that they’d also know that you were all going in from different directions. Different starting points to offer different advantages. Of course, it also has its disadvantages. You’re having to set off the first pods, rather than walking through a street that’s completely clear already.

The gamemakers don’t care enough to set up the pods again, they’ve got worse things to worry about. Like predicting when you’ll all make it there, and trying to spot the places you hide during the night. For them, it’s going to be a fun game of paranoia that won’t stop until you’re right in their face.

They won’t have a clue either. Not after what Paylor said earlier, with different ways to hide yourself in a crowd. You might not be allowed to antagonize the Capitol citizens, but you’re definitely allowed to raid their wardrobes. Especially the ones that have houses that are already trashed.

If you dress like the citizens, do some crazy fucking makeup to alter your face, and figure out the accent and walk, you’re practically golden. There’s no way that they’ll really be able to tell it's you. If they end up asking for ID, all you have to do is make up some lame excuse about leaving the house in a hurry.

More or less, problem solved.

Until then, you’re all traveling through the streets, just trying not to get caught in the middle of a trap.

“Pod?” Taurus asks, looking back at you.

You hold the Holo up, staring down at the blue for a moment. The next orange dot seems to be miles away, “Not from what I can tell. Just go carefully.”

Taurus goes first, making you guys wait a couple of seconds before following him. In case there is a trap, there will be a few feet between you guys and him, allowing time for escape. It was his idea, it’s not like any of you forced it on him.

“Take a right.” Hydri says, “These alleys are confusing, but it’s our better shot. The main streets are a minefield, aren’t they (Y/n)?”

You shake your head, holding up the Holo for her to see, “Not really, the nearest one might be on the street but--”

“Stop!” Finnick yells to Taurus.

Finnick pushes his way up to you and Hydri, basically pressed against your back as he leans forward to point out the pods, “Right there, see? It’s so faint that we can’t see it.”

“The faint ones are supposed to be the ones that have already been triggered.” you tell Finnick, “It’s what that lady told me.”

“But we’re the first ones through here.” Alioth says, “That can’t be possible.”

While you all stand and stare, thinking up a million possibilities as to why this is happening, your eyes are searching the alleyway for a trigger. If Finnick is right about it being a pod, it’s here, in this little maze of backstreets. You all could be beneath it, on top of it, around the corner from it…

The brick wall of the alley is relatively clean, no one has been through here in awhile. The trash cans that are tucked away have genuinely begun to collect dust. If you were to swipe your finger on top of one of the lids, then you’ll get a thick layer of it on your finger.

This part of the city has long since been deserted. Not only because it was the first to be evacuated, but even worse than that. The gamemakers must have made them leave weeks before the day they thought you’d all be coming through here.

So, there’s definitely something in here.

“How close is the nearest one?” Taurus asks, he hasn’t moved from where he stopped, and that’s probably a good thing.

You move Finnick out of the way with one hand as you look behind you guys, eyes squinted as you search the walls for anything out of place. It has to be subtle, because that’s the way the gamemakers have it in the Holo. They must have figured out a way to hack into them or something.

“What is it?” Finnick asks.

You shush him, eyes sweeping the wall behind him. Brick after brick until--

“Cameras.” You say, pointing at it, “That means peacekeepers, guys.” you turn back to Hydri, “Give me the nearest building that should be safe to hide in.”

“Uh--” Hydri shakes her head for a moment, flipping open the map. She’s obviously trying not to freak out as she runs a finger over the alleyway and into the street, “--yeah, okay. I’ll lead.”

She zips past you, Finnick and Alioth and heads straight for Taurus, showing him the way. The two of them don’t hesitate with walking, which means that you guys shouldn’t either. However, you can’t help but reach into a spare pocket, holding out a throwing knife that Beetee had made for you.

“Fuckers.” you throw.

It lands straight into the glass lens. It won’t be able to watch you now, but that means nothing. The peacekeepers know you guys are here, and that’s all that matters.

Finnick turns to check where you are, but you’ve already caught up to him and Alioth.

“Quick thinking.” Finnick says.

“I could say the same about you.”

Hydri brings you guys around a series of corners. It reminds you of the streets of District Two for a moment by how confusing it is the first time you go through. But then you realize there’s a whole pattern to it. That doesn’t mean you had expected where Hydri would bring you guys.

A metal door. Taurus automatically thinks it’s locked, so he goes to kick it in, but Hydri shakes her head and presses a finger to her lips, “Listen.” she whispers.

The five of you all take a moment to try and listen, watching as Hydri pulls out a lockpick, sticking it straight into the lock and beginning to work her magic. It takes a moment of listening to hear it, but then the sound gets considerably louder.

It’s a truck. It’s a truck full of peacekeepers, and they’re not actually coming on foot. There’s going to be a lot more of them than you originally anticipated.

The others must be thinking the same as you because Taurus’ face drops, Finnick pales a little and Alioth opens his mouth to speak, yet nothing comes out. It takes another second before Hydri has popped the door open, and she heads in first, crouched down.

Taurus waits at the door, Finnick shoves you in next, and you go in crouched. Alioth follows, then Finnick, then Taurus--who shuts the door quietly and then locks it again. Hydri is still crouched by the door, waiting for you and Taurus to go up first to evaluate.

None of you actually know what the hell this building is, and by the sound of marching, you’re not going to have much time to figure it out. You and Taurus stop by the same place beneath the counter, and you place your knee against the ground as you squeeze your eyes shut.

This is bad. This is so bad.

You’ve encountered plenty of pods, but those have been relatively easy to bypass. They’re not as dangerous as a squad of peacekeepers are. You set off a pod, the pod is completely done. But peacekeepers? You have to kill each one individually or squeeze your way out.

Escaping them is going to be damn near impossible with five people, especially with a truck full of peacekeepers and god knows if there’s cameras inside of here too.

“Hey,” Finnick says, coming over, “Breathe, it’s going to be fine.”

Right after, there’s a slam on the door behind you guys, and the voices of peacekeepers just outside the building. You look over at Finnick, “Does this look fine to you?”

“I don’t know the layout of the houses, only the streets.” Hydri whispers.

You take a deep breath and another moment of complete silence, before you begin to waddle your way around Taurus. When he goes to stop you, you forcefully push him back, and look at the others.

“Wait.”

You go all the way around the counters, peeking your head around the corner to see the peacekeepers and the actual layout of the building you’re inside. It takes a moment for you to see, and then realize that you’re inside a whole apartment building. There’s a staircase nearby, you guys can go up that as far as it goes…

“Hydri, are there fire escapes?” you ask, looking back.

She nods quickly, and so you motion for them to follow. The pounding on the back door has not only gotten louder, but they’ve begun to cave the metal in from the force they’re using. As for out front--you have no clue what’s going on there.

You lead them all to the staircase, Taurus insists on taking up the back since he can’t have the front. You go up one floor, and then a second, then a third, and then a fourth. The entire way, you’re jiggling door knobs, trying to find one that’s unlocked. If you can run up the fire escape, that would be much easier.

On the fifth floor, you find one single door unlocked, and without a care as to why, you rush everyone inside. It’s only when you go to see for yourself, you freeze where you stand.

“We’re not here to hurt you.” Finnick starts first.

The Capitol citizens are sitting on their couch, enjoying their tea. The woman just barely has the cup in her hold, and her hand is shaking.

“My name is (Y/n) Rosecelli, do you recognize the name?”

“Yes.” The man says, standing from where he sits, “What are you doing in my house--”

You ignore him, “You shouldn’t be here. You should have gone with everyone else when you evacuated, because the entire city is full of traps.”

As you make your way around the windows, you find the one with a fire escape. It’s above the alleyway, but it’ll have to work. The door you came in downstairs just blew. You pop it open, letting Hydri and Alioth go out first.

“We mean no harm.” you tell them, “We’re just trying to get away. When the peacekeepers come up here, urge them to get you out of here.”

“Why should we?” he demands.

You’re reaching forward, grabbing Finnick’s sleeve as you make him go before you.

“Because if you even step foot into the streets, you’ll die.” you hand the Holo off to Finnick.

“Go.” Taurus tells you, “I’ll go out last.”

The others are already going up the metal staircase, you can hear their rapid feet. The only person that hasn’t started moving yet is Finnick.

“Please.” you look at the woman, “I’m telling you it’s not safe here, not even for us.”

You go through the window, and just as Taurus comes over, you can hear the voices and the dozen pairs of footsteps too. Taurus gives one look to the door, then back to the window. You reach your hand out like you’re going to pull him through, but he slams the window shut instead.

As he’s reaching for the curtains, the automatic is in his hands. He tilts his head at you, like he’s telling you to run while you can. Then, the fabric covers the window, and you can hear the first slam into the door.

“Go.” you tell Finnick, pushing him, “I said go!”

Finnick gets moving after that, flying up the staircase faster than you can. He takes them two at a time, and at every landing, he looks back to make sure you’re following. Finnick just barely gets to the ladder when you hear the first bullet leave the gun, and following are the screams.

He’s just barely up far enough when you begin going. At the top waiting is Alioth and Hydri, reaching out to yank Finnick up the last couple of rungs. When you get up there, Finnick takes you all by himself.

At the top of the roof, you take a moment to catch your breath.

“Where’s Taurus?” Hydri asks, looking between you and Finnick.

“Dead.” you tell her, moving along the top of the roof to find a way out. The gap between roof to roof is narrow, you could take this jump in your sleep, “He couldn’t get through the window in time, so he stayed back to help us, but we’re not out of the woods yet.”

You pull yourself on top of the safety wall on the roof, getting to your feet. You shed the backpack, curse the bulletproof vest for getting in the way, and then you throw. The backpack clears the wall without a problem, and you look back at the others.

“We have to keep moving.” you insist.

You back up as much as you can afford, preparing for the jump.

“(Y/n)--!” Finnick yells.

You throw yourself forward in a run, taking the leap. The second roof is a little lower, which is perfect, you land onto the safety wall below, and tumble for a moment. When you catch yourself, you look right back at the others, who are hanging over to make sure you’re okay.

“It’s not a bad jump. Toss me the Holo.” you hold out your hands.

Finnick tosses it to you, and then he throws his backpack next to yours. He mirrors the way you had gotten onto the wall, before hopping over too. Then Hydri, and then Alioth. Just as you all get your shit back together, there’s more peacekeepers coming.

The four of you keep moving, onto the next roof. Then, you force them all to hide against the wall as you take a look at the Holo. The peacekeepers are nearby, they’re an entire rooftop over, and they have no clue what direction you guys actually moved in.

The Holo offers little help, from what you can see, there’s no faint orange dots. But the nearest solid orange one is literally in the street below. There’s no way you’d want to go down there, and from what Hydri said, the alleyway ended with that metal door. If you get down right now, then you’d have to trigger the trap when you step on it.

Unless you’d rather take a chance.

You shed the backpack, digging through the pockets until you pull out a metal ball. Taurus was using these to set off the traps that required weight and sight of something moving. All you have to do is throw this in the street below to set it off. The peacekeepers that are standing on the street will have to hide.

But it’ll take them a moment to realize what’s going on.

“What are you thinking?” Alioth asks.

“Just watch.” you move past all of them, taking one glance at the neighboring rooftops to see that there’s no one there.

You check the Holo again just to be sure, and then you get up, hurling the ball right where the pod should be. For a second, nothing happens.

Then the ground opens up, and starts to crumble.

“Oh shit.” you say, “Nearest rooftop--now!”

The rumbling of the ground gets louder, and you can hear the yells of the peacekeepers. Finnick and Alioth are the first to the rooftop away from the street--the far back one. Alioth sheds all his gear, Finnick gets down to grab his foot, and then he boots Alioth up.

Alioth squirms for a moment, but he gets up, leaning over for his shit. Finnick tosses them up, and Alioth takes it, and throws it behind him, completely disregarding it. And considering you all are on a time limit, it matters a ton.

Next is Hydri, but she insists her stuff goes up first, since everything inside is important. Anyone can read a map, but you all navigating the city without it will be hell.

You and Finnick stare at each other for a moment, and since you already know what he’s going to say, you hand the Holo off, then the backpack, and Alioth pulls you up with Hydri barely helping. The second that you’re on the higher roof, you’ve thrown yourself over the side.

The building Finnick’s on is tilting towards the gaping hole in the street, getting further and further away from you guys.

Pain strikes your heart, and you panic a bit when Finnick tries to take off the backpack.

“Jump!” you yell to him, “I’ve got you!”

Finnick listens to you, leaving the backpack and all on as he backs up a bit, gets a running start and bolts for the wall. You lean down as far as you can without losing your balance.

Finnick jumps, and with the amount of distance between the two buildings--you’re sure he won’t make it.

Then, his hand hits yours, and you’re reaching down with a second hand to grab his wrist.

Together, you and Alioth pull Finnick up the wall and into the roof with you guys. Once he’s inside, Finnick stumbles and falls onto his back, breathing heavy. You crouch down next to him, placing your hand on his chest.

“You’re okay?”

Finnick takes a breath in, “You were afraid.”

You crack a smile, “Of course I was.”

Offering your hand to him, he takes it. You pull him onto his feet with barely any struggle, patting his back as you move past him to gather your things again. You buckle the backpack, back in place, and take the Holo from Hydri.

“We should be good for a while.” you look up to Hydri.

“Ladder.” Alioth tells you guys, kicking off a hatch, “We should keep moving.”

“Ready to go, Finnick?” you ask.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Finnick says, giving you a smile.

You stare at the bedroom, “This feels weird to do.”

“You’re the one that said you wanted to have an apartment in the Capitol.”

You make a face at Finnick, tilting your head, “There’s a difference between getting a brand new apartment and sleeping in someone else’s bed.”

“Then go sleep in the living room.” Finnick heads into the bedroom, tossing his backpack onto a chair.

“How about you go sleep in a different room.” you jut your thumb towards the door, “I’m not sharing a bed with you.”

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Finnick gives you a cheeky grin as he sits on the edge of the bed, taking off his bulletproof vest, “Also there are no other rooms besides the living room.”

You sigh, grabbing the door knob, “Goodnight, Finnick.”

“You’re seriously going out there?” Finnick asks, throwing the vest onto the armchair with his backpack, “You’d rather sleep on a couch than a bed?”

“I’d rather sleep alone.” you clarify, “But I’m not getting that either way.”

Finnick pats the bed next to him, “We can make a pillow wall.”

“I’d rather deal with the neck pain.”

“Don’t be a wuss.” Finnick says.

He knew that would make you hesitate.

And you can tell by the smile creeping onto his face more and more as he pats the bed again, “Come on.” he sings.

You squint, “Why are you so eager?”

“Don’t wanna sleep alone.” Finnick is now removing his shoes, “Haven’t really slept alone in years.”

You take in a deep breath, “That’s not what I expected to hear, and it was the wrong thing to say on your part, too. Going to the living room.”

“You can at least sleep on the floor.”

“The likeness of you staring at me all night is too high.”

“Don’t be so full of yourself.” Finnick scoffs, hurling a shoe at you.

You catch it without a problem, “That’s all I am, sweetheart.”

Finnick’s eyebrows skyrocket, “Sweetheart?”

“God--fuck you.” you turn around, his shoe in hand as you move to the living room.

Finnick is laughing, and he stumbles to catch his footing as he attempts to catch up with you, “You take the bed, I’ll take the floor.”

“Or you could sleep in the living room.”

“Which would still be on the floor.” Finnick says.

You pause in the hallway, watching Alioth and Hydri from it. The two of them are getting along well, Hydri is pretty upset over losing Taurus though. Unfortunately, you didn’t know him very well, therefore can’t mourn for him the same way they can. It was a noble thing he did.

Yet he also took all his weapon supplies down with him when he did it, which is a huge loss. He had--basically--an infinite number of those heavy, metal balls. As for you guys, it’s a limited number, and each one lost brings five pounds out of the backpack. You all discovered that after using so many after Taurus was gone.

Finnick’s not wrong about the living room either, there’s only two couches. And the only thing that looks remotely comfortable after that is the fur rug that’s also kinda matted because the people that lived here apparently didn’t know how to take care of it.

“I’ll take the floor.” You tell Finnick, heading back into the room. You drop everything off by the door.

“No, I’ll take the floor.”

You ignore him, unbuckling the vest as fast as possible before tossing it onto the backpack, and then you turn on Finnick, holding your fists up.

Finnick laughs, but mirrors your stance, “Bring it on, sister.”

“Oh, right.” you laugh with him, before aiming straight for his gut.

Finnick goes to grab you, but you’re too quick for him, bouncing in your boots as you take a jab at his face. It’s not anything too rough, more of a warning for him to knock off his own shenanigans.

Finnick somehow manages to get a hold of you at some point, twisting your arm and giving you a look, “The floor is mine.”

“Just a minute ago you were arguing for the bed.” you grab onto his wrist to keep him from twisting any further.

“Then I’ll take the bed,” he says.

“I’m fine with that!” you say, swinging your leg up for his crotch.

Finnick doesn’t flinch, staring you right in the eyes. And especially since you didn’t actually fall through with it, it’s extra awkward.

“Get me a pillow and a blanket.” you tell him.

“But you’re sleeping on the bed.” Finnick says.

“Then I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket, geez.” you push him away, since his grasp has considerably weakened.

You start pulling off your shoes, tossing them to your backpack. Once they’re off, you remove the socks too so that your feet can finally breathe, after hours of being walked on and the amount of sweat that they’ve had to endure. When you go over to the bed, you take a seat on it, and then throw yourself back.

The mattress is obviously expensive, you can tell by the way you sink into it. You sigh, closing your eyes.

“Better than your mattress at home?” Finnick jokes.

“Unfortunately.” you say.

“I’m gonna sleep on the bed.” he tells you.

“Whatever, I don’t care anymore.” you say, “I’m actually heading to bed, though. So you can tell Hydri and Alioth that we’re done for the night and we’ll recollect in the morning.”

Finnick smiles, “Sure thing.”

Finnick leaves the room, and you take the time to go ahead and get back onto the bed. You carefully place the necklace onto the nightstand, being sure that it won’t fall off and onto the floor. Then, you get comfortable on the bed.

You all really should be keeping your shoes on and all of that, but it’s not realistic. You’re not going to be able to fall asleep with it on, plus it’ll be like a hundred degrees with that fucking bulletproof vest on.

Finnick comes into the room right as you’re getting comfortable. He tosses a water bottle at you, and you drink half of it before deciding to lay down officially.

“I feel kinda shitty that we’re leaving them out there.” Finnick says, getting into the bed, “I mean, the two victors taking the bed?”

“They told me that I could have it.”

“Whatever.” Finnick laughs, “Hydri said that there was a bedroom back here, and that was it.”

Finnick goes to pull the blanket up, but you kick him with your foot, “Go sleep in the bathtub.”

He rolls his eyes, “Goodnight, (Y/n).”

“Touch me even once, and I swear to god you’re going to wake up with a knife to your throat.”

“That’s not very safe.”

“Neither is touching me.”

#ilguna #finnick odair #finnick odair imagine #finnick odair oneshot #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair fanfic #finnick odair metanoia #metanoia chapter sixteen #metanoia

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1275

When you were younger, did your mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived? We open all our presents the night of Christmas Eve to begin with; but no, they don’t tease by letting us open a few of them before our usual schedule.

If you could receive a 100 dollar gift card for either blouses, pants, dresses, shoes or purses, which would you chose? If I could change blouses to shirts, then I would go with that because I’ve recently gotten into t-shirts and sweatshirts and no longer the trendy and preppy tops I used to like haha. But if not, I would go for shoes.

What is your favorite thing to do after crying? Ex: Sleep, listen to music, have some alone time, talk to someone, etc? It varies as it depends on how much I cried. The harder I cried the more I’d want to sleep it off, because it can actually get pretty exhausting. Sometimes I’ll reach out, sometimes I write. It’s really different every time, but at the end I’m just glad I can no longer even remember the last time I cried out of sadness.

Do you think Trump will be assassinated, or will he survive his term? Well we know the answer to this. It’s satisfying to notice him disappear off the face of the Earth immediately after his term, though. I don’t have a clue what he’s up to now.

Last time you felt suicidal? For some reason I felt down last Thursday and I felt the slightest, slightest tinge of suicidal thoughts. No idea where it came from.

Last time you had butterflies? Ugh idk but it was probably BTS-related hahahahahahah

Biggest asshole you know? Certain politicians.

Did you ever leave someone because you know you’d hurt them? No, I was on the opposite side of the coin for this one. I was broken up with because they believed they would hurt me, if not already doing so.

What song did you last listen to? Hip Hop Phile by BTS.

Ever ridden in a police car? Nopes.

Ever witnessed a murder? Hmm, not that I can recall. I do remember having to monitor crime stories for one of my very first journalism assignments and the one time I didn’t tag along to the fieldwork with my classmates, they got to witness a stabbing incident :/ By itself of course it always sucks to have violent situations like those, but as a reporter it would’ve been interesting to see the scene and its aftermath.

Have you ever lied under oath? I don’t think so, no. I can’t even remember the last time I was put under oath.

Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve failed exams but never an entire class.

Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? Well yeah, I dated one.

Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure.

Have you ever been to a movie that sold out? I’ve never experienced trying to buy tickets only to find out they’re all sold out, but that’s also probably because we have hundreds of malls in Manila alone and you can always find a theatre that are still offering tickets.

What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep? I’m not usually that way with horror movies, but I do remember running into a jumpscare on TikTok while I was scrolling at 3 AM. Not fun.

When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad? Touchpad. I never use a mouse.

What’s your mom’s mom’s name? Agnes.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like? I’m not interested in anyone so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Have you ever been tempted to steal? Sure, but the urge is never so strong.

What is the main character’s name in the book you’re reading? I’m not reading anything.

Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? Nah. I did have a Ben&Ben phase, though I haven’t revisited their music in a long time.

Who’s the last person you saw naked, aside from yourself? I’m not sure about completely naked, probably still my ex. As for partially naked, my dad sometimes goes shirtless at home as most Filipino dads do lol.

Who’s your favorite horror monster/killer? The most iconic for me would be that porcupine looking ass from Resident Evil 4, I believe it was meant to be for one of the boss stages or something. Anyway, it’s memorable for me just because that fucker had been impossible to defeat and I loved watching my older cousin do attempt after attempt. I don’t think he ever got to beat him and by the time he did us cousins were already adults, lol.

On a side note, we called him ‘Porcupine’ as kids since a shitload of spikes would stick out of him unpredictably during the boss stage, and I thought that nickname had been just our thing; but I’m actually surprised that that villain actually comes up when you do a simple ‘Resident Evil 4 porcupine’ search haha. I guess other people called him the same thing too.

What kind of music do you prefer to listen to when driving? I usually put on a playlist of BTS’ rapline; I tend to enjoy high-energy songs while driving.

Would you ever own a hairless rat, cat or dog? I don’t see why I wouldn’t when it comes to the dog. I don’t want a cat or rat.

All the people you’ve kissed, what did their names start with? G.

What did you and your ex fight about most? It was about the deeper, more profound stuff. We never saw eye to eye about the future, if we were helping the other grow, etc. Someone was always scared or insecure about something that the other could never help with fixing.

Don’t you love long hugs? Sure, I love getting hugs as long as I’m comfy around the one giving it.

And long kisses? Mhm, they’re nice.

Have you ever purchased condoms? Only for Angela when she had still been too shy to ask for it herself.

Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? No. We had gone out of town for daytrips, but never for a fully-decked out vacation.

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? I wouldn’t do anything that loud. My resentment’s a lot more reserved and subtle, definitely on the passive-aggressive side.

Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? If I left like a paint scratch, no. If I was somehow stupid enough to manage wrecking the car then yes.

Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Oh that’s just gross. No. I do remember unknowingly parking over a spot meant for the handicapped once just because the paint was so fucking faded. It was genuinely so hard to tell but in the end I ended up just getting out of the spot and looked for another just to be on the safe, unassholey side.

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? Not at all! I love telling people I work in PR and sharing the brands I work with...it’s just a bitch trying to explain what exactly it is I do on a normal day. I’m still blanking out on it now that I’m thinking about it, haha. PR’s a challenge to summarize in one or two sentences.

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? I honestly have no clue how I’d deal with it. Ideally I would pull over and help bring it to the side of the road, and try to ask for help from passersby as well. I’m still not sure what I should/would do next.

Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner? French, Spanish, and Italian restaurants always seem to carry a pleasant, date-y atmosphere to them, so any of those cuisines should be ok. I also like quieter restaurants with warm yellow lighting, since that makes me feel at home the most. The place definitely doesn't have to be super popular; I would just want for it to serve good food.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue? Flying planes.

What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? Probably something that’s booked with thrill-seeking adventures? Like a day of wakeboarding, paragliding, skydiving, riding an ATV...I would be exhausted as fuck and sleep for the next three days, but I can’t even begin to imagine how fun it would be.

When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Writing stuff. < Yeah, essentially. My friends ask me for general life advice too.

Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like? Yeah. But I always defended her.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? I mean I’ve written long letters, but I haven’t made a poem or song for anyone.

Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? These days it would probably be Arlan. He just finished his Masters in Journalism at Columbia and I couldn’t be more proud. I remember wanting to attend Columbia too, but seeing how my love of journalism turned out...I’ve long accepted the fact that that route was not meant for me, hahaha.

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? Finish a painting, which can also serve as a callout to me lol.

What would you rate 10/10? Seafood.

What do you hope never changes? My relationships with my best friends.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? No, I barely have a clue who she is and she seemed decades older when she called me up this morning.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to? I’m good.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now?

Are you happy with your relationship status? Yessssssss. I love not having to worry about another person to spend on LOL

When did you last cry? What for? Two Saturdays ago. The one-year mark of my breakup had been coming up and an overwhelming wave of emotions just flooded me all of a sudden, I guess. There was happiness and relief from not being stuck in it anymore; feeling sorry for myself as I remembered the turmoil and deterioration I went through in the latter part the year; anger for the shit she pulled; and there was also just the general feeling of being grateful that I’m still here after everything.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you love?

When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone? No clue. I’m not holding my breath for it and that’s okay.

Were you ever scared to death of anyone you knew? Or are you currently? Yeah, unfortunately I’ve always been surrounded by at least one person who terrifies me.

What’s the longest you’ve been away from home by yourself? Nothing more than a day. That’s something I have yet to try out.

Have you ever been made fun of, because of what you look like? Athenna was relentless in her insults. I dunno why I was friends her for as long as I was.

Have you ever made fun of others, because of what they look like? If they’re some random person on the internet with disgusting political views, then yeah; but it’s just thoughts I keep in my head and I never verbalized the bullying. But not anyone in real life. Do you think it’s cute when you’re leaving a place, and a guy says “no hug?” If I’m friends with the person I’ll banter with them for a bit until I give in for a hug. If it was any other guy I barely know...I would be disgusted and throw them the dirtiest glare.

Do you wear short shorts (if you’re a girl)? I didn't know short shorts were specific to females. < LOL same. Anyway no, not these days. I used to but they’re not really a part of my personal style anymore.

Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Relatives with the wrong political views.

Who has your heart? Nobody.

Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? I don’t see the point. No.

Are you impatient with really shy people? If it gets to the point that they seem aloof and radiate very I-could-not-care-less-about-getting-along-with-any-of-you vibes, then yeah I feel like I would get irritated pretty fast. But I was an extremely shy person once too, so I’m typically friendly with them and I would usually be That person who constantly stays next to them so they feel like they belong.

Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? It sits in the window, as with most households here.

What is the most ridiculous band name you’ve heard recently? I haven’t encountered anything wacky recently.

Would you ever get a fashion mullet? No.

Do you believe that Jesus lived and is returning? No.

Do you believe in spiritual gifts? No.

Do you believe in callings? Not really, no.

If you were rich, would you get a professional photoshoot done? Hell no. I get extremely sheepish in front of a camera and a thousand times worse at posing.

#survey #surveys

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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Si-Te or maybe just Si-dom in general

Well… Since there is one for Ti-Se, I think sharing how Si-Te works might be a nice idea. Disclaimer, it’s not pretty. It’s not wonderful. Si-Te can be a pain but it also is an asset. I want to share it to you guys the reality of being an ISTJ. I’m not here to debunk any myth. I’m only saying it as it is to me… So, let’s go, shall we?

First, what is Si-Te. If I would describe it, it is a slow-starting stallion. In my experience (it might vary between every ISTJ out there), before I can ever do anything well, I need shitload of trials and errors. I cannot really innovate or running on the flow. I need to learn thing from the very smallest piece and slowly piecing it all together into a full picture. It’s incremental, it takes time and it’s seriously slow.

The process of learning through slowly adjusting and experimenting every route possible – especially if there is no one to guide you at all – leads to internalization exactly what I perceive of that knowledge. It imprints clearly in your mind that you can pick it up as it is years later. It becomes a picture in your mind of what is the ‘truth’. The accumulated experience that rinsed up into a pack of worldview of how the world works. Every Si-users are different and each of us perceives and rinse different information into their own unique brand of world view. But it shares the same theme ‘experience from repeated trials and errors that can be pulled out in times of need’. It is what you might called ‘wisdom’ or ‘lore’. Think about some specialists who know everything about the woodland and all stories and beliefs related to each component. That’s high Si.

When it comes to Si it must be followed by Te. Te is not just about fact and organization. It is about seeing ‘tangible’ and ‘measurable’ potential in given information and how to apply it. It is when you see some gall bringing in gold dust from a stream behind your house and immediately realize you can make a gold rush out of that stream. For me, Te is a useful tool to accomplish things in the real world. It’s a tool to apply your experience in a real problem solving and both Si and Te are working together though Si sorts of controlling Te thus, Te is limited by Si-internalized knowledge. So, the way Si and Te working together in very simplified term is ‘organizing the real world based on my knowledge of how the world works’.

Other theme I can think of that is actually Si but is typically mistook for Ni is mythology making. You see, for Si users, everything has a story attached to it. Every knowledge, everything has its own mythology and story embedded within. This will be a bit odd. I have some knowledge on traditional massage and medicine. Even if I don’t remember them word by word. In the end, I find myself having story of reference to every component of my knowledge. Like, I know how to massage. My friend asked me how do I know that I need to start from shoulder to hand and pull fingers. My first instinct is, because body is a stream. In my head, human body is like a stream that fall from top to bottom. Each nerve is a path way that is connected so when one massaged it is precisely tampering with the pathway itself. The pain or ache are a result of stagnant in pathway so one need to clear it downstream and open some ‘tunnel’ like one near the base of the hand to open the blood flow. See? It’s not verbatim fact. It is the experience accumulated into a picture, a story. I can’t even remember where I learn it tbh. It comes from so many sources. (Oh, and I told my friend, ‘body is like a waterfall, it starts from the top’). But I know it’s a fact because I can do it. See?

One example I want to share is when I reference my knowledge on field-working. I study Anthropology and field-working is a frequent event. Typically, my chosen field is ethnic groups thus I will often find myself in the village of some ethnic community. Like … my latest field is last week’s Urak Lawoi’ village in the south. The place is a community of Urak Lawoi’ people and in general they are quite distinct in belief systems to Thai people. They believe in spirits but much more internal than Thai people so … yeah, you get the picture.

When I got there, I first self-referenced back to my survey trip. I referenced back to the people I knew from the last trip and contacted them. Then I proceeded to talk to them (actually I organize the trip for my project, so there’s total 27 people there but I’ll focus more on my fieldwork rather than the organization itself). I recounted the information I learned last time, I referenced stories I heard last time. Things went on. Then, I brought my teammates to the dam uphill. It’s around 1 km. from the village up in the mountain. I can remember the way to the smallest details. I recounted my experience last time (like almost getting lost up the mountain before coming down to the correct turn) and tell them the story of what this place was used. It was a place used to prepare woods for boat-making ritual, there’s even some wood bark left. And I guided them to the stream behind the wood. Last time I went here I can remember it was very refreshing. Then I guided them up hill. Last time I struggled a lot, but this time I just knew where to step and how to speed up. I learned from the last time I came here. Soon, after we walked up and down a hill, we arrived at the dam. I could recall the refreshing wind and so on.

Then, a day later, I went to the ‘pléw’ or the graveyard. I needed to see the place because my project was about who this people are and because I needed to know more about their belief system. So, I went. But before I went, I told my team “Only 2 or 3 people please. And if we get there, be respectful toward the dead, don’t shout, don’t joke around, ok?” for me, it has been internalized that the place was for the dead. I must be respectful and quiet around the place. Because the dead are resting. It’s been like a ‘teaching’ in my head “Be respectful in that place”. Then I went there with some of my teammates. Before I get down to the graveyard, I stopped and asked for the dead’s permission first. It was just something I knew I needed to do. Then I went down. After that, when I climbed up, I crossed the line in my mind and walked over it. I remembered that to Urak Lawoi’s before one stepped up from the ‘other world’ like in Pracak ceremony where they sent their ancestors on a boat down the sea. They will draw line on the sand and walk over it to cross back to living world. I did precisely that, only in my mind. I learned from my Grandmother (she studied these things) that ‘you don’t need to actually do it, but do it in your mind intently enough you can feel it. The dead can sense it, too’. And I did just that. Because it was what should be done. Other thing was language, I soaked it up like sponge. Just two or three days I can understand what they are talking though I still cannot speak competently (I referenced it back to Bahasa Indonesia, it is closely related language) And list went on…

Good things aside, I want to mention how I fail gigantically to organize the project. I don’t know how to fix many unexpected problems because frankly I didn’t know what to do. Now I’m making up for my mistakes. It was a biggest downside of being Si-dom for me. This is my mistake, individually and I will not blame my type. I don’t know how to fix something I’ve never encountered before. But I needed to learn and I’m learning from my mistake and don’t repeat the same mistake again. The mistake here piled up so high that now I lost my friends and many people. It pained me so much just why cannot I be smarter, quicker to catch on things or react faster and sharper to the problems. But it was all because of my arrogance that I failed. I was too secretive and too in my head. Instead of consulting people, instead of letting people have freedom. I over controlled and pulled everything to myself. I chilled me to my bone, thinking back. Right now, I tried to open myself up more and giving people freedom to create. It is incredibly hard but I am trying my best to do it, to fix it and be a better person.

So, here I am. That’s something I want to share. Being Si-dom is not fun. I’m slow, I need a lot of time to learn something but I don’t really feel bad about it. Even if I make a lot of mistakes, I don’t think it’s really typed related. It’s only because I fail and I will need to learn to be better for it. Just some message to other ISJs who struggle out there. Just don’t give up. We are slow, but we can reach the same level of proficiency as anybody out there. 😊 We just need to walk at our own pace, that’s all.

Some random ISTJ guy …

Btw, do you have any leadership advice for ISTJs in general? And is it normal for 1w2 to avoid facing their mistakes (or imperfection) and needs a lot of things to ever push them to realize and finally actively fix it?

Mod: 1s hate to think they did anything wrong, so they generally don’t take it well when others correct them, infer they made a mistake, etc. They can become ‘reactive’ and defensive when they feel ‘accused.’ It’s important for them to realize this defense mechanism is just their instant insecurity about having been ‘bad’ -- it’s an irrational response, because ‘a mistake’ does not equal ‘bad.’ A flaw is not the end of the world. They should learn to combat their anger with humor and chuckle about their need to be seen as ‘good’ all the time. (This moves them closer up their line 7 to where they can have fun and have a sense of humor about themselves.) Leadership in general... uh... be considerate of all the needs present and realize that not everyone will live up to your high standards of performance; cut them some slack where it’s needed, and make sure to tell people they did a good job when they did one. Others need more affirmation than most 1w2 STJs.

#question #submission #istj #mbti #enneagram 1 #enneagram

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''helena'' by my chemical romance

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mellowmoonballoon · 3 years

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P2 of the Primer - Minho!

Fandom primer for fandom feels.

So, Minho, dance leader!

Minho (Lee Know, Lino...) is the Stray Kids’ Marilla Cuthbert. Very controlled with showing his feelings. Wants to feed everyone. Hard working and practical. Dresses like an old woman who is constantly freezing.

His lack of desire to embarrass himself on screen is very relatable to all anxious perfectionist introverts. He often gets confused for shy or cold because of this, when he will just not do silly things in front of the camera if he’s not sure of the result. His terrible art? He knows it’s terrible and that’s acceptable. His amazing dancing? He knows it’s amazing and that’s acceptable. Things he’s not sure about which include being vulnerable in front of strangers? NOT ACCEPTABLE. I respect that. So this “primer” will not perpetuate any “mean-ho” ideas thank you bye. (Felix calls him tsundere so if you see me use it, it’s not my fault.)

Anyway Minho is a dancer. That was his job before he joined SKZ (he toured with bts etc) and it was his primary role in SKZ for a while. When he first joined he wasn’t a good singer or rapper, but he would have been ok if he wasn’t constantly shaking because he was convinced he’d get kicked out. Which is valid because he did get kicked out.

oh also - I will treat his and Felix’s story as if the elimination wasn’t a setup just because whatever else was going on, they thought it was real.

His singing voice wasn’t great so he was asked to rap instead. He had never done it but said he’d be willing to try. They were given... what? No time? To prepare for that change and famously, Changbin rapped backup for him and Han held his hand and timed the beat with it.

so i cried, and then he did get eliminated because he messed up the lyrics next time so i cried more and then he sent a final message and i FUCKING BAWLED.

To Han: “The time I failed, was it because you weren’t holding my hand?”

Changbin helped him a lot during practice for the second song and they both felt so bad for different reasons. Minho kept saying he was sorry that someone younger than him had to be helping him and that he was failing despite it. “If I had slept one hour less, would I have been able to do it better?” and Changbin with “What did I do for him, that I couldn’t teach him better?” Anyway this show was torture but I’m gonna go back to the good stuff now.

Minho got to come back and they were a band happily ever after. Before the elimination tho he helped the other members with their dance routines. So, shit i learned about kpop peripherally: most bands are made by formula like “2 members rap, 2 members dance, 2 members sing” or something like that. Minho could dance and Changbin could rap and Seungmin could sing and the goal is rarely to get everyone to be great at everything. And Minho was like “nah.” And he made it his goal to make everyone as good a dancer as possible. So while others were helping him with singing and rapping, he was helping them with dancing.

For me a very important scene in the show was when Bang Chan kinda lost it at IN’s lack of ability to dance and he had everyone stand aside and kept telling IN to try again and Minho gave Bang Chan side-eye and went over to IN to teach him how to do it better.

baby bread’s defeated baby face :(

and Minho’s face just saying “you’re not helping” as he walked over in clear defiance of any hierarchy.

So Minho’s whole approach to the group was “I will help everyone be better at dancing”. According to Chan he picked Minho with the idea that Minho would be in charge of dancing. Which is a big fucking deal. For Bang Chan personally and band as a whole.

Changbin asking this question, who else. Chan was like “that phrasing doe?” But eventually:

(Changbin is listening but also not giving a shit, he’s just waiting for Chan to be done so he can ask what his role is and be told he’s the visual, Minho feeds him so fucking well.)

In group dances Minho tends to not stick out. In fact, Minho would really like it if no one stuck out. His goal is to have them all as synchronized as possible and he’s really good at it.

His solos fucking murder us every time tho :(

m... where was i.

Oh yeah. He’s very good at his job. He has also gotten SO MUCH better at singing. I don’t think he gets enough credit for how fucking hard he must have worked on that on top of everything else they do. I know the color of his voice doesn’t pop out like Seungmin or IN’s, but he can hold his own now. (His parts in Slump and Neverending story for example. Slump in particular because apparently Han wrote that whole ass song to fit HIS high notes and everyone just went “I guess” and then Han said “but I’ll only rap in it”.)

But enough about how much I respect him as an artist. Let’s talk about how if he is your favorite in the band, there’s a 99% chance your kink is being spit on followed by a good aftercare. Look I don’t make the rules. Just accept it like Hyunjin has.

Did he tickle him after that? Who knows. Not Hyunjin.

but he feeds him well so it’s all good.

In fact, other than making everyone dance well, Minho’s second mission in life is to make sure everyone is well fed. (He is definitely that grandmother who will tell you you’ve gained weight and then get upset when you don’t eat everything she made for you.)

Life is too short for a full compilation of Minho feeding people so here’s a little vid and a few pics.

How is this post still fucking going? How do I have so many thoughts on this one man wtf? Anyway just a quick note about his ex husband.

Back in the olden days Minho made lunch and wrote a lovely thank you letter to Seungmin and things were great. Now they jokingly call each other the divorced couple and even though they are roommates they both claim they can’t be roommates. I have a theory that could be way off but I will type it up here anyway. My theory hearkens back to the first paragraph which is that Minho doesn’t like doing things in front of the camera when he’s not sure how it’s gonna end up. And I think Seungmin for his own reasons isn’t very expressive either. And maybe sometimes on camera he didn’t react like Minho needed him to. And it ended in Minho adjusting his on camera attitude. Again, I could be way off, but the way I see it, there is safety in teasing. The same way he’ll show off his giraffe picture and be like “isn’t it beautiful” when he clearly has functional eyes, he can show his friendship with Seungmin and say “lol isn’t it horrible” and he gets the expected feedback and it’s fine. It’s better than being seen as overly needy or reaching out and not getting what you want. And tbh I think he and Seungmin pingpong this at each other and this is why every tsundere needs a Felix or Han to hug them despite the shit that’s coming out of their mouth.

But Seungmin can still recognize him by his tiddies so clearly they’re fine off camera.

As far as fan stuff goes, Minho has a regular live where he eats delicious food and talks to fans. Sometimes fans are really shitty and he plays it off but he is human and y’all need to get your shit together. But since all his fans are subs it all works out in the end. (Go on, tell me he’s your bias and you’re not a sub, I won’t believe you.)

I’m going to end this now and sneak edit when I remember other shit like I just did with BC.

Oh PS: I am not getting into Minho and Han now. Maybe ... MAYBE by the time I’m on Jisung’s profile I’ll be emotionally ready for that.

Wait did I do a whole fucking primer on Minho without mentioning his cats? Shit I’m gonna get arrested. He has 3 cats, adopted or found. He also does a shitload of charity stuff, a lot of it animal related. Ok ok ok there.

Bang Chan - Minho - Changbin - Hyunjin - Han - Felix and Felix2 - Seungmin - Jeongin

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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What color... Are your second best friend's eyes? -- Is your math binder? I’m done with school. Is your English teacher's hair? ^^^ Is your bathrobe? I don’t have one. Was the shirt of the last person you spoke to? Black.

Was the shirt of the last person you kissed? I don’t remember, it was years ago. Is the kind of jam in the fridge? Purple; it’s grape jelly. Is your MSN font? I don’t use MSN, never have. Is that even still a thing? Is your bathtub? White. Are the socks you're wearing? White. Is your home phone? Black. Is your cellphone? Coral. Is the last pair of earrings you wore? Rose gold. Is the hallway walls? White. Is your alarm clock? I use an app on my phone, which like I said is coral. Is your favorite book? I have way too many favorites to choose. Is your dream house? Hm. I’m not sure what color I’d want my dream house to be. I always think about the interior. Is your dream boyfriend/girlfriend's car? *shrug* I wouldn’t care. Is your computor chair? I don’t have one, I go on my laptop on my bed. Is your tightest shirt? Uh, I don’t have any tight shirts. Is your tighest pair of pants? Most of my jeans are dark wash (dark blue), with the exception of a pair of black jeans. Is/was your school mascot? I’m not sharing that. Nails does the last girl you laughed with have? Burgundy. Are your pets? Tan, white, black. Is your bzoink profile? I don’t have one. Is/was your locker? Never had one. Is your most itchy and uncomfortable sweater? I don’t own any itchy and uncomfortable sweaters, only comfortable ones. Is the frame your favorite picture is in? Black. Is your favorite CD case? I don’t have any CDs. Do you... Enjoy your job? I don’t have a job. Find shyness attractive? It can be cute. Have someone to call your own? No. Drink at least one glass of Pepsi every day? No. I don’t drink soda anymore (except the bit I drink with my medicine cause I have to crush my pills and I mix it with soda). I used to drink soda everyday for a long time, but it was Coke or Dr. Pepper mostly. Swoon over accents? Some are attractive. Use violence to get your own way? Never. Smoke cigarettes? No. Keep track of all the things you need to do? I sometimes make a list or set reminders if needed. Spend too much money on makeup? I haven’t bought any makeup in like 3 years. Spend too much money on books? No. I use Kindle Unlimited, which is a subscription service that gives access to a shitload of books for a low monthly price, but I’m on my mom’s account. Get everything you want? No. Prefer guys with hair or bald? With. Say 'obvi'? I sometimes say “obvs.” Read books about vampires? I was into the whole Twilight phase back in the day when the books were coming out. Know anyone who is trying to have a baby? I don’t know, maybe. Treat customers at your work nice? Have dark eyes? Yeah. Have bright eyes? No. Have a display picture of only yourself on facebook? Yeah. Aspire to look/be like Paris Hilton? No. Listen to music or watch TV more? I watch more TV. Have a display picture on bzoink? I don’t have Bzoink. Sleep during class? I never did that. Have the guts to shave your head for cancer? I would donate money to a cancer research charity. Have more then four piercings? Nope. Have a lot of money on you right now? No. Know anyone who is anorexic? No. Talk on the phone or MSN more? Neither. Go online shopping? Yeah. That’s how I’ve done all my shopping in recent years. What's the best... Kind of cookie? Sugar or shortbread. Location to have a romantic kiss? I don't know. It's not so much about the setting, really. It's moreso how it's done and how the person comes onto you. <<< Yeah, it could take place anywhere. Although, I do think it’d be cute to share a kiss at the beach with the sunset behind us or a cute photo op at Disneyland. Location to have a romantic date? Somewhere cozy or like overlooking the ocean. Veggie in salad? Spinach and green onions. Sickness to pretend to have when faking sick? I never had to pretend cause I actually felt sick often enough, but I do admit to exaggerating or milking it a few times :X Way to sit on a couch? Uhh sometimes with my legs to the side or “criss cross applesauce” lol whatever you want to call it. Outfit to wear on a date? I’d go with a nice pair of jeans and a cute, dressy top. Junk food to have at a sleepover? Pizza and chips. Way to get your mind of someone? I’ve always had a hard time with that.

Salad dressing? Ranch. Kind of shoes to wear to the beach? My usual sneakers/tennis shoes/whatever you wanna call ‘em. I never, ever wear sandals, flip flops, or any kind of open toed shoe, so. Way to get over somebody? It takes me a long time, but it just starts to ease up over time, really. One day turns to two, then a week turns to weeks, a month to months, etc. Time keeps going and it just starts to get easier eventually. Especially if you don’t see or talk to them anymore. Fruit in fruit salad? I don’t eat fruit salads. Way to propose to someone? I don’t plan on getting married or having that happen for me, but I gotta admit the cheesy, kinda over the top ones can be cute. Music to listen to if you're sad? Sad, relatable music. Thing to do when you're staying up all night? Scroll through Tumblr, surveys, watch YouTube/listen to ASMR. Way to cheer someone up? Try to do something they enjoy, maybe get some food or something, and help take their mind off whatever. Well, unless they want to talk about it. Book to read on a rainy day? Whatever I happened to feel like reading. I wouldn’t choose a certain type of book because it was raining. Time to go to bed? My norm this year has become like 7 or 8AM for some awful reason. Today it’s already 820AM and here I am... Time to wake up at? Lately, I’ve been getting up after 3PM, sometimes after 4PM. Party makeup? I didn’t have party makeup. Way to get someone to like you? Ha, I’m definitely not the one to ask. Thing to sleep on? (Other then a bed) Uh, but beds are the best thing to sleep on. Way to do your hair when having a bad hair day? My hair is always just up in a bun. Video game to play all night when you can't sleep? I used to do that with The Sims, but it’s been a couple years since I last played. Now I play Animal Crossing for a bit, but mostly I’m just scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and watching YouTube. Girly movie? I have several favorite “chick flicks.” Joke to tell? I love punny jokes. Movie to watch when you're in the mood for something scary? Oooh there’s so many to choose from. It would just depend on what I felt like watching. Way to show someone you love them? Telling them of course, but showing them is very important as well. Spend time with them, make their favorite meal, surprise them with something they like, do something with them that they enjoy, write them sweet little notes, etc.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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gffa · 5 years

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I HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT PADME AMIDALA and why, despite that I get a lot of people hated her ending and I can’t entirely disagree that it was because her character wasn’t written for her own sake, but for Anakin’s sake, that I still have a lot of feelings about this and why it’s intensely important to me personally. I’ve been giving Padme’s character a lot of thought lately, as I’ve been digesting Queen’s Shadow and how it’s made me really have to untangle a lot of the feelings I have about her character. One of the things you need to know about me is that I love complicated, messy female characters, that they are so very much my jam. My main blog is dedicated to female characters and one of the things I often look for when wanting to reblog stuff is, “Is this woman kind of a jerk sometimes? But still unequestionably a hero of the story? OMG, MY LOVE, MARRY ME.” Or “Is this woman kind of failing at something, but I never question that she’s a worthwhile person to tell her story? OMG, I LOVE HER, TELL ME MORE.” So much of this comes from my frustration with how women are portrayed in media, that in order to be “good” characters, they had to be all things to all women, which meant they had to be perfect. Which, itself, was also a limitation on the characters, it was a reaction to the limitations of them, rather than just letting the characters be. In order for them not to be torn to shreds, they had to have absolutely no flaws, they had to be able to do everything just as well and still were only considered half as good as the male characters by a lot of people. Male characters get to run the gamut and we never have to justify that character type, whether they’re the best person ever or the worst person ever or somewhere in between. They can just be. Women, on the other hand, if they have a flaw, it gets magnified a thousandfold and then they’re just a worthless bitch. I want to reject that idea so hard. No! Give me snotty, not always nice, but whole-heartedly good women! Give me smug, arrogant, asshole but whole-heartedly good women! Give me messy, complicated, depressed, mean but whole-heartedly good women! I wanttttt themmmmm allllll and I AM GOING TO MARRY THEM ALL. This is why I do really love Star Wars, I can get an absolute array of those characters, from the softest, kindest, “weakest” character, to the nastiest, meanest, but sympathetic character, to the full on villain who isn’t redeemable at all but can still be cool. Yeah, SW still has a long ways to go (especially in terms of diversity–we’re inching forward, please give me more, LF! I’m so ready!!) but there are so many women I love. So, for me, I really, really like the complicated, messy Padme of Revenge of the Sith. I get that a lot of people see her differently and feel like she was written only for the sake of Anakin’s manpain, that a lot of people hate that she died of a broken heart, and I can’t say I disagree that she probably got really shafted in terms of it being her story. But I really want to find meaning in her story and look at it from her point of view, and, for me, Padme has always been someone who is a GIANT BALL OF FEELINGS, so much so that she cares intensely about people she just barely met and remembers them for years afterwards, but also that she can be blinded to the suffering of others because the other person she cares about is right in front of her. Padme’s willingness to ignore the murder of the indigenous children on Tatooine, her willingness to ignore the murder of the Jedi children and go raise their baby together with Anakin, for me those things are about a Padme who is utterly relatable to me in that her feelings are so intense they burned the candle at both ends, and eventually that consumed her. The fall of the Republic, the fall of democracy, the fall of Anakin, the increasing isolation we see of her during AOTC and ROTS, where her fire is steadily snuffing itself out because it’s using up all her oxygen, is part of what draws me to her character. Not because Padme is lesser or more of an asshole for this, but because she’s relatable to me, because I love her and feel for her and cry for her, what she goes through and how it tears at her. Padme being so strong that she can sway entire governments to her plans and being so weak that she dies of a broken heart when she loses the Republic and Anakin? THAT’S MY GIRL, THAT’S IT, THAT’S HER, THAT’S THE ONE I LOVE AND WANT TO INTERNET MARRY. In the struggle to come to this understanding of how I feel about this character, I realized something that I’d never quite connected to before--I strongly identify with Padme’s giving up on life. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for almost my entire life, that if there had been a way for me to just give up on life, to just lay down and not exist anymore, I don’t think I would still be here today. The only thing that stopped me was that I wasn’t actively aggressive enough about it. I didn’t precisely want to die, I just didn’t want to live, either. It took me a very long time to get to a better place, but I can still look back on that time of my life and intensely remember how I felt--I know my family and friends love me, but I’m such a burden on them, I’m failing them, yes, they’d be sad when I was gone, but they’d heal, they wouldn’t have this weight dragging them down, they would be better off without me, because this world is so painful for me to live in, that I wish I wasn’t in it anymore. When I look at Padme Amidala, I see someone who burned so brightly, but that she crumbled bit by bit. I see someone who had no one to turn to when she was crying alone in her apartment as the Republic was falling, as the Jedi Temple burned, and Anakin was falling off the cliff. I see someone who, instead of continuing to push for something she felt strongly about, dropped it when Anakin was was upset about it and said, “Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.” I see someone who knew how badly Anakin’s dreams upset him and what he was capable of when the worst happened, like on Tatooine, and said, “They’re just dreams.” because she was trying to hold all of this together. I see someone who had no time to address the underlying problems in the Republic because of the 20 tire fires going on, who had no time to address the underlying problems in her marriage because there were 20 more tire fires going on, and I see someone who lost them both. I see someone who pleaded on Mustafar, ignoring more murder of children, to come away with her and raise their child together. I see someone who passionately believed that love would save them all and it didn’t, Anakin still became Darth Vader, the Republic still fell, the Jedi still died, and she felt like everything she’d done was nothing, she’d failed them all. I can all too easily imagine myself in Padme’s place, feeling like I’d failed at everything, like I wasn’t enough, no matter how brightly I burned, no matter how much I poured myself into my efforts to help people and change the world around me, that I cannot live in it anymore, that even if they’ll be sad without me for awhile, I would only fail them again. That there were some things about myself that it took me a very, very long time to be able to face and deal with. So many of the arguments against Padme’s death often come around to, “She wouldn’t just give up!” like Padme’s too good to be depressed and suicidal, like she’s better than that. Which then implies that the people who struggle with this are somehow lesser or worthless, that because I have felt this way before, because I would be dead now if I could die in a fairy tale way of just giving up on life, that I’m lesser and worthless, too. That my struggle with this makes me bad. Which is not my favorite feeling in the world, no. I don’t demand that anyone agree with me, nor do I necessarily think this was the narrative intent. But I see a woman who cried alone in her apartment, I see a woman who couldn’t face some things that she couldn’t deal with, I see a woman who tried and tried and tried and failed (in her eyes), I see a woman who was capable of great things but was crushed under the weight of loss and quite possibly her own thoughts. And I see a lot of myself there. So, Padme Amidala dying of a broken heart, losing the will to live, being unable to live even for the people she has left, that struck a hard resonating note with me. In the same way that Anakin’s anxieties and fears consumed him has meaning for me (as someone who suffers through a shitload of anxiety), so too does Padme’s depression and willingness to give up.

#padme amidala #meta #suicide ideation #long post #this was definitely a rather personal post #but it's okay to reblog if you want

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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When was the last time you cried and what was the reason?: family issues

Do you believe in ghosts?: maybe

If you could live on the moon, would you?: almost all of it belongs to Tom Cruise so no

What is your favorite time in history to learn about?: I just like many interesting history facts in general

When is the last time you felt discriminated against because of your gender?: not sure which situation was last

What race are you?: caucasian, white, european, polish, slavic

What is your favorite sex position?: I’m not into sex tbh Have you ever lost your SO to another person?: yup

Have you ever had a thing for a friend’s parent?: no

Have you ever believed in Santa Clause? from what I remember

Have you ever thought you were getting a surprise party, but you really weren’t? nah and I don’t like surprises so I’m glad I never really had a party like this

Have you ever forgotten someone’s birthday? I suck with dates

Has a friend looked bad in a profile picture and you didn’t tell her? it was my opinion but if they liked their pic then it’s their problem

Does it take forever for your internet to load websites? sometimes

Have you ever pretended to listen to someone but you really weren’t? yeah :x

Are you a bad driver, or do you know someone that is? I know some that are bad yet say they’re oh so awesome at it ugh!

Have you seen the animated movies Tarzan? sure

Have you actually called 911 for an actual emergency? If so, what was the emergency? not me but my parents

Do you sleep in the living room a lot? I never do

Did you enjoy watching The Flintstone’s growing up? yep

Do you wish you were born in a different year? kinda wish I was born after war and die before 2020 or even live in another time period

What do you buy more: Movies or candy? neither

Did you used to eat chapstick when you were younger? ewww, noooo, not even toothpaste

What made you pick up the last book you started reading? I was watching a movie and heard that book has a different ending so I had to see for myself Have you received any bad or troubling news lately? shitload When was the last time you were relieved about something? I wish I was... What about your life concerns you the most? my health related issues mostly but also money and fam, love life, religion etc. Is there a common thing most people seem to do without trouble, but it scares you (talking on the phone, driving, interviews, etc)? When was the last time you had to do one of these kinds of things? there are, recently

Describe a time when you were there for a friend? were there in person? When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? days or weeks ago What is a situation that makes you feel especially confident? umm... Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? depends Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I guess I’m easily offended Is there a belief you have that most others around you don’t have? Do you share this belief with others, or do you tend to keep it to yourself? sure, might talk about it if asked and in the mood If you’ve moved out from home, what was the scariest thing about it? What was/is your favorite thing about it? I didn’t move out yet but there are dark scenarios I imagine that could happen and they concern me What are your thoughts on “forgiving” murderers or rapists? Do you think it’s even possible to forgive these people? I wouldn’t forgive a rapist but particular murders can be justified If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? who cares about grades and cost when you have no possibility/talent/ability anyway?... Last item of clothing you purchased - do you wear it often? didn’t wear it yet Has anything made you feel nostalgic lately? lots What was the last chore you completed? I just helped mom around kitchen and bathroom - przynieś/podaj itp.

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? sloth?

Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? nope, my mom is incapable, she whispers louder than when she’s normally talking to someone

Who was the best kisser you’ve ever dated? I’ve only kissed one person in my entire life

When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? yesterday

this one

and I plan on doing smth similar

Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? one of the most reliable sources that are available for free

When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? meh

Do you want to repaint your walls? I prefer to move out

Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? hardwood

Who would you say is the most selfish person you know? majority of society

Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? waste of the movie

How old were you when you got to go on your first date? dunno what I can count as one

Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? weirdly protective

Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? never had a chance to

Has anyone ever called you a good kisser before? I had my moment

Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? she’s into men so...

Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? it seems that most of parents act this way

What’s your favorite hairstyle you’ve had so far? hmm...

How many dogs do you have, if any at all? 1

Do you think biting is weird or sexy? biting hard is very dangerous and I’m not into being bitten but I might/can bite a little

Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? neither but I'll “believe” slightly more in being beautiful than hot I think

Have you ever had a pet turtle before? yep

Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes? just once I had a bad night and my dad was working overnight so I went to my mom’s bed but then I left in the middle of the night anyway as she was snoring, not that it usually bothers me

Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? saw pics on the internet only

How many surveys on average would you say you’ve done in your lifetime? shitload

Do you enjoy going school shopping? tiny bit as I enjoy shopping in general?

Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? adorable

Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? lookalikes

Has anyone ever knitted you something before? sure

Do you think there is a soulmate out there for everyone? then why some ppl die single?...

Do you like short or long surveys the best? it’s not about length, I need interesting questions

Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? I didn’t try to make it pas for real wtf

Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? *rolling my eyes*

How many uncles do you have? don’t know nor care as they don’t give a shit about me

Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? nah, sometimes I feel physically bad because of it tho

How often do you shower? basically everyday

What is the absolute worst thing about high school? from my personal experience - stress

How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? I don’t drink soda for years

Have you ever met an annorexic pregnant woman? woah I can’t imagine that

Have you ever simply looked at someone & could tell they were homosexual? oh well...

Do you have the ability to read someone without even knowing them? sometimes

Would you rather eat or sleep? sleep

Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? am not, especially Twilight - I didn’t read/watch it because it sounds awful

Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailor? yes

Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? sadly

When was the last time you had a physical injury? this ending week

Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? not really

Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? nope

Is there anyone in your imediate family who was adopted? no

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense? I meet many ppl like this often on the streets or online

Do you think you look anything like your parents? I know I do

Who is the skinniest person you know? Is it because of a disease? when it comes to look or weight? disease though

Is this year the best one you’ve had so far? r u joking?...

What color is your significant other’s hair? natural or dye? XD

Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? yeah The best Christmas gift you ever gotten? The sims 2 as I dreamed of it and didn’t expect my poor parents will afford and give it to me ever, I was so moved that I cried and my sister was jealous and angry

Who is your favorite actor or actress? can’t decide

What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? I don’t consider them cute when I receive them but kind of awkward actually but giving them is a different story

Do you believe in evolution or creation? smth in between, it’s complicated

What group would you say you’d normally fit into the most? I feel that I wouldn’t really fit any

Are you better at drawing things or painting? drawing

Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? I am a failure

How long have you been on the computer right now? too long, about 6 hours Name three black things that you can see? celphone, pendrive, necklace would you perfer to do the dishes or hang washing/laundry? dishes

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jungshookz · 5 years

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I rlly love librarian joon so much that ive been rereading it and i was wondering,,, maybe a drabble on how y/n gets a tutor for her philosophy (or any subject) class and they have lessons in the library and joon gets jealous esp when y/n tutor is obvioUSLY flirting with y/n but shes an oblivious walnut (we still love u y/n) and he gets kind of insecure that y/n doesnt ask him for help instead and constantly ditches him for tutoring lessons and overall just seems to have more fun with her tutor

→ pairing: kim namjoon x reader

→ genre: librarian!joonie is back!!!!, let me introduce you all to arthoe!taehyung, oblivious!y/n, fluffy times + lil bit of angst + tinY bit of smut u know how it be

→ wordcount: 3.4k

(gif isn’t mine!)

namjoon usually doesn’t take things personally because he’s groWn and he has better things to fret over

but sweetie

he is FREttING over this very very hard

you decided to take up art history this semester and you didn’t want to sLip so you hooked yourself up with a tutor

you just came out of nowhere and you were like hey by the way i can’t hang out after class today because i have my first tutoring lesson and namjoon was like ?? do you have another philosophy exam or something

“nah i don’t have any more exams i’m just taking art history this year and i want to be ahead of everything and stuff”

wha-

namjoon thinks that he makes a pretty good tutor himself and he would totaLLY memorise 100 books worth of information so that he could teach you because that’S how much he cares for u

but of course he doesn’t think much of it because yeah it makes sense

art history isn’t namjoon’s specialty so obviously you would reach out to someone who’s actually learning the stuff

okay

whatever it’s fine

“okay! are we still going for dinner?”

“i’ll let you know but honestly probably not?? i’m behind on coursework and taehyung’s going to go over everything that i missed which is a lot!!! i’ll text you later dweeb” namjoon doesn’t even get the chance to respond before you’re leaning down to give him a quick peck and then you just yeEt out of the library

….taehyung

your tutor is a guy

which is fine!!!! totally fine

he’s just curious as to who this taehyung guy is

he’s not like a super jealous freak of a boyfriend it’s all good

namjoon purses his lips before shrugging to himself and bringing his attention back to his laptop

about 20 minutes pass and namjoon’s phone buzzes on the desk

‘we’re still on for dinner!!! i’ll meet u outside the library at 6’

hAh

see

nothing to worry about

hey

remember the thing namjoon said about having nothing to worry about

now he has something to worry about

it’s nearing 6:45 and you still haven’t shown up

namjoon sighs and leans against the front door

he could go back into the library but he already set up the alarm system for the night and he locked everything up

god it’s cold tonight

he shudders and wraps his coat tighter around himself

where are you??

and right on cue namjoon’s phone starts ringing in his pocket

he scrambles to unlock his phone and he brings it up to his ear

“y/n?”

“joon?? i’m so sorry!!!! i completely forgot about dinner i didn’t even know how quickly time was going by!!!”

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it!” namjoon clears his throat and musters a smile “i’ll see you tomorrow?”

it’s good that you’re taking your studying more seriously

yeah it kinda sucked standing out here in the cold for literally 45 minutes but u know what it’s greAt that you’re so passionate about learning new things now

“uh-huh! oh, i have to tell you aLL about taehyung he’s hilarious and he taught me so sO much and i didn’t even know studying could be this much fun! anyways i promise i’ll make it up to you-”

U M

what’s thAT supposed to mean

was studying philosophy with namjoon not fun???? he made like a shiTload of fancy flashcards and you seemed like you were having fun!!!

namjoon presses his lips together to keep himself from saying anything snarky even tho he really wants to

“i’m sorRy i’m sorry i’m soRRy i’M sorrryyyyryryryryyrryyr-“ you whine and slump in namjoon’s arms when he opens them up to give you a hug when you come in the next day

“it’s hard to hug you when you’re all floppy and boneless.” namjoon chuckles and you stand up straight before wrapping your arms around his neck loosely

you stand up on your tip-toes to give him a peck or two (or three or four or five) and namjoon hums contently

you should ditch him more often if it gets u to act like this (just kidding he didn’t like being ditched it was awful)

he has you sandwiched in between the book cart and himself and you’re not usually a PDA kinda gal but you can work with this

“do you forgive me?” you adjust his tie and namjoon leans down a little to sneak another kiss from you

“i haven’t decided yet.” namjoon jokes and you let out a small whine

“maybe if you take a quick break.,.. we can go into the backroom..,.,., i’m sure i can find other ways for you to forgive me.,,” you whistle and trace your finger along his chest and namjoon scoffs playfully before stepping aside and letting you out of the bookcart-namjoon sandwich

“i forgive you, don’t worry about it, hm? i’m sure it won’t happen again.”

“yes, you’re right! it won’t happen again. …and i wasn’t kidding about the backroom thing.”

“tempting, but… someone was being a little too loud in there last time.” namjoon pokes your nose before sliding a couple books onto the shelf and wheeling the cart back to the front counter

meanwhile you’re trailing behind him the whole time

“touché. you’re coming over to my place this weekend, right?”

“correct” namjoon opens the little gate to let himself behind the counter

“good!!! i made sure to fluff up your pillows anD i put the shirts and boxers that u left last time in the drawer”

“oh, i get my own drawer already?” namjoon teases and although you roll your eyes your cheeks are starting to heat up

ya he has his own drawer now so what it’s not a biG deal okAY

“ooh, by the way - do you think i can study here today?�� you point over to the lounge area where your backpack is thrown haphazardly over the couch and your notes and pens are scattered everywhere

..classic

“the classroom that we usually go to is booked up.” you lean over the counter and give namjoon your cutest pout “and i already told taehyung to meet me here”

right

taehyung

he still doesn’t know who the guy is

whoever he is he made you ditch dinner but namjoon isn’t biTTer or anyThing

namjoon rolls his eyes playfully “don’t look at me like that, you. of course you can study here! just make sure to keep it quiet and stuff since this is the library, after all”

hey

spoiler alert: namjoon agreeing to let you study here was a big fat MISTAKE

why do bad things happen to good people

in this case the bad thing is kim taehyung and the good person is namjoon in case that wasn’t already painfully obvious

namjoon resists the urge to roll his eyes when he hears another giggle slip past your lips

yes

he loves the sound of your giggle

but noT when it’s caused by kim taehyung

namjoon peeks over the top of his book to look over at you two again

what even is he wearing

are those shoes from guCCI

he has dad-looking square framed silver glasses which look a loT lamer than namjoon’s thick-framed glasses in his humble opinion

and he’s wearing a dangly earring but it’s only in one ear like if ur going to wear dangly earrings u might as well wear them in both ears

and he’s wearing a beret???? this is the LIBRARY this is not PARIS

cE N’EST PAS PARIS

taehyung leans forward and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear before grabbing the leg of your chair and pulling you closer as you continue to babble on about something

meanwhile namjoon’s just sitting behind the counter gawking at the two of you

what is happening????? what the hell is this??????

“now, lift your hand.” taehyung’s baritone voice is suddenly all namjoon can focus on

jesus

his voice is like.,.,. smooth dark chocolate.,.,,. warm honey.,,.,.,.smokey,.., bbq sauce?,.., the point is namjoon sounds like a frog going through puberty compared to taehyung

namjoon is very obviously staring at the two of you now he’s not even going to try and hide it

“-the elegantly, loosely held hands from da vinci probably represent the most exquisite drawing of hands in the history of art…” taehyung hums and presses his hands against yours before loosely intertwining his fingers with yours “every detail of the long fingers and the beautifully modulated shading produces a convincing effect of reality so that one can almost know the person from her hands…” he pulls away and traces his finger from the tip of your middle finger down to your wrist

hausdhKJSHFJKHDS

is that allOWED ??? is that alloweD????????

namjoon is noT going to let this.,.., this.,,.,., ART HOE steaL you from him

and that’s when the lightbulb appears above his head

art history can’t be thAt hard to master…right?

long ass story short: namjoon spends the entire night going through your syllabus and making sure he’s brushed up on all of the topics so that when he teaches you he’ll have somewhat of an idea of what he’s talking about

he took out a bunch of history books and lugged them all home and he has sticky notes everywhere and his brand new notebook is full of information relating to art history

he pauses and stops typing and leans back against his chair

what the hell is he doing

he’s seriously going to sit here the whole night doing research on a topic he’s never studied before because HE wants to be the one to teach you instead of stupid taehyung

….the answer is yes

namjoon adjusts his glasses and begins typing out his notes again

“the elegantly loosely held hands represent the most exquisite drawing of hands in the history of art…” namjoon mocks taehyung when he gets to a part in the textbook where it talks about da vinci “i bet he has some kind of hand fetish.,,. that beret-wearing weirdo”

maybe he’s being a little too harsh

namjoon is not a mean-spirited person

he’s just not used to.,..,,. relationship.,,., things..,., and the..,., the jealousy thing

he thinks that it’s stupid that he’s jealous but he can’t help it okay

he can be insecure sometimes and right now he’s kinda insecure because taehyung is smooth and handsome and charming and namjoon is weird and awkward and dorky but like in an endearing way??? kinda?? and-

u know what he’s not going to worry about this he doesn’t have time to worry he needs to write out these notes

the point is

these are unfamiliar waters

he lets out a small breath

okay

nice and calm

everything’s good

EVERYTHING IS NOT GOOD

EVERYTHING IS BAD AND EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AND THIS LIBRARY’S LOCATION IS IN HELL

“aw, joonie, that’s awfully sweet of you, but you didn’t have to! taehyung has it covered.” you coo and reach up to cup namjoon’s cheek “okay i’m going to go back to-“

“wait- you don’t even wanna try studying with me?? l-look, i made flash cards and everything!” namjoon sets the textbooks down on the counter with a thud before reaching over and grabbing the whole stack of multicoloured flash cards

“well, maybe we can study together… later! you really didn’t have to do all of this for me…” you trail off and furrow your brows

namjoon did a LOT of work like he filled out an entire notebook with notes and this is a thicc stacc of flashcards

“plus you need to dust the bookshelves, don’t you? why don’t you go ahead and do that?”

“y/n, you coming back?” you look over your shoulder and taheyung’s looking over at you worryingly and you wave him off

“yes! hold on, i’m just-“

“c’mon come sit let taehyung take a pee break or something let’s do some study- oH OH u know what i actually have a surprise for you!” namjoon rifles through his papers before sliding a brochure over to you “there’s an art exhibition in town this weekend! i can take you!!!!”

namjoon’s not aware of this but you’re not really paying attention to him because you’re looking through all the notes he wrote out for you

this is a loT of work how long did he take to write all of this down

you look up at him when you realise he’s stopped talking “sorry what was tha-“

“y/n! c’mon, i was just getting to the good part of the book.” taehyung suddenly appears behind you and wraps his fingers around your wrist

“oh, yep! okay, uh-“ before you know it taheyung’s dragging you back to the couch and you shoot namjoon a sheepish smile

it’s officially been three weeks since taehyung became your tutor

and these have been the worst three weeks of namjoon’s life

after the whole desperation act everything’s just seemed to get worse and worse and woRSE

suddenly taehyung is sucking up all of your time

you can’t grab a bite to eat with joon because taehyung wants you to watch a documentary to learn more about the mona lisa

you can’t hang out with joon in general because you’re spending every free minute studying your ass off

and all of these things have a common link

KIM TAEHYUNG

oOH god namjoon has never actively hated a person before but there’s always time to try new things!!!!!!!! HE HATES HIM

but this

this is just the iCIng on the cake!!! the cherry on the sundae!!!!!! the KICK IN THE ASS

“where are you going?? i thought we were finally going to grab some dinner together.” namjoon raises a brow when he notices you beginning to pack up early

“tae’s taking me to some art exhibition because he says it’s better for me to see the pieces up close rather than through the textbook” you hum as you start packing up your things “but don’t worry! i’ll make it back in time for dinner!!!”

namjoon’s eye twitches

you’re going to

you’re going to the art exhibition…. with taehyung……….. but u didn’t want to go when he suggested it.,,.,,.,.

“oh. i see.” namjoon slaps his book shut and clears his throat

you look over your shoulder before turning around

“…something’s wrong.”

see you have a thick skull but not to the point where you can’t see that something is obviously wrong

namjoon can practically hear the gears click-click-clicking away in your head as you stare at him blankly while trying to figure out what it is….,,. you did wrong,.,.,. ??

namjoon looks up at you and raises a brow “nothing’s wrong.” he shrugs casually before checking the time on his watch “you should probably head out to meet tae soon.” he murmurs a liTTLe more aggressively than he would’ve liked to murmur and brings his attention to his laptop

click-click-click-click-click

OH SHIT

oOOOohHHhHHH

“aw, joonie… i’m sorry!!!!” you pout and bend down and wrap your arms around him from behind as best as you can

“have i not been giving my doting boyfriend enough attention?” you tease and pop a kiss on his cheek before propping your chin up on his shoulder and namjoon lets out a sigh and stops typing

“cut it out, y/n” namjoon mutters and shrugs you off and you let out a breath

damn

he really mad

“namjoon, c’mon. i’m sorry, alright? i should’ve- you know how thick i am sometimes i thought tae was just being friendly because he seems like a naturally touchy person!”

“no one that friendly ever has friendly intentions.” namjoon turns around in his wheely chair to face you and raises a brow

“i’m sorry, joon. really, i am.” you plop yourself down on his lap and wrap an arm around his neck before leaning down to rest your head on his shoulder

his arm slinks around your waist and he rests his other hand over your lap

“no, you don’t have anything to apologise for… it’s just me and my dumb insecurities.” namjoon coughs and you pop up immediately

“what insecurities?”

“i… i dunno… taehyung is… well, he’s not ugLy, that’s for sure.,., and he seems like he’s pretty well-off with his gucci shoes and his fancy berets.,.,. aNd he seems super smart like i heard him speaking fluent french and yA i can speak french too but not thAt well and whenever i hear him explaining things to you he’s super well spoken and it makes me feel like maybe i… maybe i’m not good enough for-“

“Don’T finish that sentence. don’t!!!” you gawk and furrow your brows

how could he even think that???

“you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about. i don’t like taehyung like that, i like you. i don’t care about his gucci shoes and his french and his fancy terminology.,.,, i only like him because he makes tutoring really fun! i like you, okay? you with your dorky glasses and your grandpa cardigans and your big, big… brain!” you beam at joon and he scoffs and rolls his eyes “if it makes you feel any better i think his cologne is waY too overpowering.”

“huh. that oddly does make me feel a little better.” he hums and you grin before leaning in to give him a kiss

you tilt your head to deepen the kiss and your hand slides up namjoon’s chest to fiddle with his tie

namjoon nudges you off his lap and you’re confused for a split second but then he’s pulling you down so that you can straddle him

“how much time do you have before you have to meet taehyung?” namjoon asks innocently although his hands are not so innocently sliding down your back and getting dangerously close to underneath your skirt

he buries his face into the crook of your neck and starts planting warm kisses on your skin

you glance at his laptop over his shoulder “mm, 20 minutes?” you breathe out and let out a gasp when namjoon bucks his hips slightly

“is the,, uh.,, the act of forgiveness that you owed me for ditching me last week.,.,., is that still a thing?” namjoon pulls away and you nod quickly because YES it is still very much a thing “…u wanna… help me restock some books in the backroom before you leave?”

…u don’t even need to answer that question

taehyung enters the library to see that nobody is at the front desk

you were supposed to meet him by the math building but u didn’t show up.,., so naturally he decided to come to the library

he raises a brow and looks around the empty library

where-

“oh my god, namjoon!”

tae’s eyes pop out of their sockets when the silence is suddenly broken by a very loud moan

is that

is that u

oh my god

“yes, please, oh my god yes-“

…he’s just going to wait outside for you

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

masterlist

801 notes · View notes

amusewithaview · 7 years

Note

Sorry if this is super personal, but you've mentioned in a few posts that you got a late adhd diagnosis and I've been wondering if I should maybe look into getting one? maybe? So if you don't mind, how did you make that happen? Did you self-diagnose or did you go see someone or something else? (sorry again if you don't want to answer just tell me so)

Brief (hah!) explanation of how my late diagnosis went down: I was in grad school, having a rather horrible time for a variety of reasons (anxiety! crippling depression! suicidal ideation!) and one of my professors pulled me aside and asked for a meeting with me. She was the one who said that I presented a lot of symptoms that she, in her experience teaching, associated with young adults with ADHD. She strongly recommended that I get tested so I could work with disability services and see if there was anything they could do for me. I was doing poorly in her class and she thought that it might help. In her words, I would fall in and out of the discussion groups. I would present a neat idea, then as the others were discussing it, I would tune out entirely an move onto a new idea, or carry that first idea several steps further, and then break back into discussion with an unrelated or only tangentially related contribution. She pointed out other things too, but this was years ago at this point and I can’t remember her exact wording. Suffice to say that she blew my mind.

I had never considered that I might have ADHD before, and nobody else had either because I’m very intelligent and rarely need things explained to me more than once. I did well in school because I’ve always been an excellent test taker. My undergrad advisor looked at my transcripts (high ACT, average grades) and said, “You got bored in school a lot, didn’t you.” I hyperfocus like mad while reading, and I was reading constantly as a kid, so it never occurred to anyone that I might have focus issues.

What would you get out of a diagnosis? Genuinely ask yourself that before running off to get tested, because testing might be expensive. I lucked out in that I was attending a university that had a lot of programs for students, one of which included a full battery of IQ/psychological tests. It was a teaching program, so psych grad students did the actual testing themselves while we were all monitored through a mirrored wall by the professionals. Even with the extra discounts, it was still something like 150 bucks for the full report. I paid fifty just to get the official ADHD diagnosis sent to my doctor/the school administration, but I didn’t shell out the other 100 for the actual IQ test results (sort of wish I had, in hindsight).

The testing was a mixture of them asking me a variety of questions about myself, my habits, my decision-making processes, and an IQ test, and a standard battery re “are you crazy? lets find out!” The former included fun questions like “are you a perfectionist?” the middley bit was standard IQ stuff like spacial awareness, pattern recognition, etc., and the final bit included “do you hear voices? do they tell you to hurt yourself and/or others?” The test took place over the course of a few hours on one day, then they presented the results to you two weeks later.

The single funny part of the process was that technically speaking, since it was a teaching program, we (the people being tested) were only supposed to interact with the students while the actualfacts doctor observed. In my case, he came out during my presentation to help explain my diagnosis because I was the most textbook case of perfectionism he’d ever seen***. He actually quoted me things I’d said in the initial interview verbatim because of how amazingly textbook my perfectionism was (he took copious notes). He said to me that if I took one thing away from the meeting, what he hoped I’d take was that I was an extremely intelligent person who was ridiculously hard on herself and needed to cut herself a lot of slack.

For me, getting a diagnosis was worth it because it meant I could get certain accommodations from professors, I could freely discuss medication and such with my doctor, and honestly it gave me a shitload of peace of mind. A lot of things about myself that I had always considered character flaws were suddenly explicable (if not always necessarily excusable) by this weird brain quirk that was outside of my control. Even if you don’t go the medication route, knowing that you have ADHD to contend with can be useful because there are coping mechanisms specific to ADHD out there and… yeah. So, what would you get out of a diagnosis? Consider that before getting tested.

If you (or anyone else) has follow up questions, reblog and I’ll try my best to answer. I can only speak to my personal experiences though.

***The exchange apparently went like this:

Interviewer: Would you consider yourself a perfectionist?Me: *immediately* No.Interviewer: All right.Me: Nothing I do is ever perfect, so, definitely not a perfectionist.*crickets chirp*

#something clever in cleveland #ADHD impulsive #actually adhd #adhd diagnosis #actually perfectionist #i'm not on meds right now #i've never been on meds just for adhd #my old antidepressants had an off-label use of adhd assistance and they were AMAZING #i am seriously considering going on meds #but i needed to wait for my insurance to kick in first #it has kicked in as of sept 1 soooo #further updates as events warrant (gotta find me a gp)

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quentinsquill · 7 years

Text

Fic: “Up on the Roof.” (The Magicians)

Up on the Roof

Author: Lexalicious70 (TheChampagneKing70)

Fandom: The Magicians

Pairing: Eliot Waugh/Quentin Coldwater

Rating: Teen and up

Word Count: 1,891

Summary: It’s Quentin’s 23d birthday and Eliot has pulled out all the stops for him, but underneath it all, what Quentin really wants for his special day is the bigger surprise.

Author’s Notes: Did you really think I wasn’t going to celebrate Quentin Coldwater’s birthday? Happy birthday, jellybean! I don’t own The Magicians, this is just for fun. Comments and Kudos are magic! Enjoy.

Read it on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11561874

Up on the Roof

By Lexalicious70

Quentin hadn’t planned to spend the evening of his 23d birthday locked in the upstairs bathroom of the Physical Kids Cottage, but like so many other things in his life, it had rolled up on him and then just kept on rolling, until he felt like he’d been assaulted by a particularly aggressive steamroller.

Downstairs, the party—his party—went on without him. He could hear alcohol-fueled laughter and the crackly, snapping sounds of flashy party spells over whatever bass-thumping music Margo had put on. Quentin knew they meant well and that she and Eliot in particular loved having a good time, but the amount of people crammed into the cottage, along with all the sounds, smells, and anxiety that came with it, had driven Quentin upstairs and behind closed doors, where he was juggling a shitload of free-floating anxiety and the effects of Eliot’s ability to mix drinks. He leaned his back against the closed toilet and wondered how hard it would be to navigate the packed hallway to his room.

Someone knocked on the door but Quentin ignored it. People had been knocking on it almost constantly since he’d locked himself in, but then Eliot’s voice reached him through it.

“Quentin? Are you in there?”

Quentin closed his eyes. He’d been ignoring everyone else, but he could no more ignore Eliot Waugh than he could ignore the beating of his own heart.

“Yeah, El, I’m—it’s me, I’m fine!” How had Eliot realized he’d left the common area when it was packed to capacity with people?

“Then come out!”

“I will . . . in a minute!”

The doorknob rattled.

“Quentin?” A pause, and then the lock gave a loud ping as it bent under the will of Eliot’s magic. Quentin rested his chin on his drawn-up knees and sighed. The door opened a few inches and Eliot looked in.

“What the hell is going on?” He frowned and then slipped inside, glancing over his shoulder at the knot of people who complained loudly. “There’s two bathrooms downstairs, and if I catch any of you urinating outside within ten feet of this cottage, I will turn you all into cockroaches!” He slammed the door and leaned against it to peer down at Quentin.

“You went AWOL from the very lovely party I’m throwing for you.” He said, and Quentin nodded.

“Yeah, I guess I did . . . I’m sorry, El.”

Eliot watched him for a long moment, his amber eyes ticking over Quentin’s form.

“Actually, I don’t think you should be the one apologizing—can you get up off the floor and away from the toilet?” Eliot tugged him up and Quentin turned away once he was on his feet, his hands tucked up under his arms. Eliot went over to the window and worked some magic on it until it was big enough to climb through and waved Quentin toward it. “Come on . . . out with you.”

“Out the window?” Quentin asked, and Eliot rolled his eyes.

“Yes, Quentin, the slope isn’t steep at all on this side! Shoo!” Eliot flapped his hands at Quentin until he turned and climbed out. Eliot followed with what Quentin knew was more grace than he’d displayed. The roof had a gentle pitch that was almost level at this side of the cottage and Eliot sat down as he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes. He offered one to Quentin, who shook his head. The tip of the cigarette flared to life without a lighter, and then Eliot blew out a rich plume of smoke. The sound of the party was still audible but robbed of its claustrophobic aura, and Quentin relaxed. Eliot glanced at him.

“This party . . . it was a terrible idea, wasn’t it.”

“What?” Quentin turned to him. “El, no! It’s a great party! It is!”

“Then why did you run away from it?” Eliot asked, taking another drag of his cigarette. Quentin leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.

“It’s not the party. It’s me. I . . . I’m not good with crowds and noise . . . even if it is something fun like this. I was the same way at Columbia. Julia and James would take me to these parties to meet people—they were always worried that I never had enough friends—and I’d end up just sitting in a corner because I couldn’t relate to anyone and because the music was too loud and all I wanted to do was go back to my room where it was quiet. God . . . I’m sorry, I know I sound like a loser!”

“No. You don’t, Quentin. You sound like someone with severe social anxiety. I suppose I even knew that about you, but I thought because you were here at Brakebills it might be different. But it’s not the venue. It’s what’s up here.” Eliot tapped his own head and Quentin looked up at him.

“You sound like you might know what it feels like.”

“I do.” Eliot nods. “But because of the way my own mind is wired, I’m forced to battle what frightens me. I’m constantly out of my comfort zone because I thought if I worked hard enough to become a consummate entertainer, I would overcome the desire to isolate myself.”

“And you did.” Quentin nodded. “Guess that means you’re a lot stronger than I am.”

“I don’t think it has anything to do with strength, Quentin.” Eliot lit another cigarette from the butt of the first and then made the butt vanish. “In fact, your way might even be better.”

“How’s that?”

“Forcing myself to face it comes with a price. And . . . well. You might have noticed that sometimes I overindulge.”

“I’ve noticed. And I worry about you sometimes, El.”

“That’s very sweet of you.”

Silence stretched out as they sat looking up at the stars, their shoulders almost touching.

“I baked you a cake too, you know.” Eliot said after a moment, and Quentin felt his chest fill with guilt.

“I’m—s”

“I didn’t tell you so you’d apologize!” Eliot said, peering at Quentin through a haze of smoke. “I wanted—oh hell. Wait right here.” Eliot climbed back through the window, leaving Quentin to watch his peers stagger in and out of the cottage below. Several of them were passed out in the chaise lounges Eliot kept on the side lawn.

“Here we are.”

Quentin turned to see Eliot climbing back through the window. A plate with a large slice of cake floated in front of him. He came to sit beside Quentin again as the plate settled in front of them. The top and sides were neatly and cleverly scalloped with what looked like mocha icing. The cake underneath was rich, almost black.

“Won’t everyone notice you cut the cake without me there?” He asked, and Eliot grinned a little.

“Most of our guests have forgotten what planet they’re on, much less remember that it’s a birthday party.” Eliot pulled a pack of multicolored candles from his pocket and stuck them in the cake in the shape of a two and a three. “And I baked you a cake so you could make your birthday wish.”

“You believe in wishes?” Quentin smiled, and Eliot pressed his fingers together lightly and then snapped them in a brisk motion. The candles flared to life.

“If magic is real, then why can’t birthday wishes be?” Eliot shifted a bit closer and Quentin felt his skin flush for reasons that had nothing to do with the heat of the candles.

“What should I wish for?” He asked, and Eliot stared down at the flickering flames.

“Well . . . a wise man once said that you have only two birthdays in your life—the day you’re born and the day you discover who you were meant to be. Have you had your other birthday yet, Quentin?”

“I don’t think so.” Quentin replied. “I mean . . . I thought I did, when I came here and I found out magic was real. I want to be a magician, but there’s something else I want to be even more.”

“And what’s that?”

Quentin turned his head as Eliot faced him to speak. Even sitting down, Quentin found that he had to look up to meet his eyes, dark and liquid in the light from the candles.

“I . . . I want to be the person you care about—uhm—I want . . . I want to—to—” He gestured furiously as he watched Eliot’s expression grow incredulous. “I want—this, El! Just—us, together! I don’t need a party! All I need is to be with you, and I guess I’ve known it since the moment I stepped into Brakebills and saw you there waiting for me and—and. That’s my wish.” Quentin leaned forward, blew out the candles, and sat back, waiting for Eliot to cast him out of his life and possibly off the cottage roof. He squeezed his eyes shut, and then Eliot’s long fingers were cupping his chin, raising his head. He opened his eyes to see Eliot’s face only inches from his own.

“Even before I knew magic was real, I always believed that if any wish you made came true, it should be your birthday wish. And in this case, since I’m the one who can make it come true, then I will happy to oblige you, Quentin Coldwater.” Eliot’s dark head dipped down and Quentin gasped as their lips pressed together, Eliot’s coaxing and Quentin’s trembling but warm. Eliot slipped a hand the back of Quentin’s neck and Quentin felt goosebumps bloom down his spine as his fingers brushed against the underside of his hair. Smoke from the candles curled up around their faces, and then Eliot pulled back. Quentin missed the taste of his mouth immediately, even though his brain was jammed and stuttering.

“You—you mean you feel—you want . . .” He gestured, and Eliot ran two fingers along the side of the cake. He sucked his index finger clean, and then offered the other one to Quentin. After a few moments of stroke-inducing panic, Quentin took the plunge and sucked the long finger into his mouth to clean off the icing. Eliot watched, his amber eyes hooded, before pulling his finger back.

“I hope that answers your question, Quentin.” He said, pulling two forks from the inside of his vest. He used one to cut the large slice of cake in half and handed Quentin the other fork. Quentin dipped it down and took a bite—chocolate mocha bliss.

“Oh my God, this is amazing.” He groaned, and Eliot took a bite of his own.

“It came out all right.” He allowed. Downstairs, the noise from the party dwindled as the moon rose. Soon Quentin’s plate was empty and he set the fork down. Eliot took out his pocketwatch and glanced at the time.

“It’s well after midnight.” He glanced down at the plate and arranged the forks side by side. “Did you have a good birthday? Despite the party?” He asked, and Quentin smiled as he took Eliot’s hand and leaned against his tall, reassuring frame.

“Better than I ever could have wished, El.”

FIN

#Queliot #Happy birthday Quentin Coldwater #fic #The Magicians

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meltedmagazine · 7 years

Photo

AN INTERVIEW WITH BRUCEMONT

Brucemont is an alternative indie rock band from Asheville, North Carolina. Their unique, versatile tracks take influences from many different genres. Lucidly comparable to alternative English early-century rock, Brucemont is definitely one of the most post-britpop resembling bands in Western North Carolina. Although they may resemble bands like The Fratellis or Phoenix, they still incorporate their own unique garage surf feel to their songs. In fact, at times, certain guitar riffs seem to sound like something you’d hear in Beach Boys’ early demo recordings.

While they may resemble a plethora of bands, listening to Brucemont for the first time is like meeting the child of Beach Fossils and The Shins. AND-- they’re genuinely wonderful guys.

Tell us about your band! Who are you?

Julien: Xandy and I went to middle school together. And we all went to high school together.

Xandy: Julien taught me how to play drums in middle school.

J: I actually was teaching drum lessons in middle school. We all played interchangeably in high school.

Colin: And that’s basically how we know each other. We’ve been playing together since high school in a bunch of different variations. Brucemont was just born out of all of us just being the most into being in a band and being into the same sort of music. So, when Lewis got back from college, and Xandy got back from his travels abroad, we were all just in the same place. We started playing music again.

Lewis: Also, when we moved into a new house we had an actual place to practice.

J: Lewis moved in with me after he got out of college. And then we were building the studio.

C: So Brucemont kind of became a thing about a year ago.

**A whole year ago. Could you tell us more about how Brucemont was born? **

L: Xandy wrote a lot of songs while he was in France.

X: The brunt of them was right after I got back.

J: Xandy is like, a super good songwriter. And he can do it by himself. He can write all the band’s parts-- or at least flesh them out.

X: I’ve been doing it since I was like twelve, recording and multitracking in my bedroom, just like messing around.

J: When he says “I have a song idea!” It’s basically done. So that’s why we don’t ever have demos. Because if we had demos people would have a hard time discerning between recordings and demos. He, literally, was just like “I have a shitload of songs, are you guys willing to play them?” And we were like “yeah.” Because we’ve played together for forever.

C: So yeah, Brucemont was mainly born out of Xandy having all these songs and us being down to play them.

X: But we had been talking about it before. Before I left we were like “we should seriously try to do a band,” and so when I got back I was like, “well I’m gonna start writing with four parts in mind.” And it was more rocky than I’ve ever done.

You guys were previously called “Hate A.M.” Why did you decide to switch to the new name?

C: We decided to switch the band name because Xandy lived there [on Brucemont circle] since he was out of high school. We’ve had parties there, and that was the first place we actually played together as a band back in the day.

J: I wasn’t really a fan of the name from the beginning, because we were trying to pick names and we couldn't really pick them.

X: One night, I was like “hey, let’s just be that!”

J: We were like “fine!” But I don’t really like the word “hate” that much in general. But it just didn’t speak to me at all. It was almost a detriment. If someone heard the name of the band, they might be like “oh, they sound like this because it’s got the word ‘hate’ in it. It might be angry or metally”, and so I was like “fuck.” Brucemont is a place that we played a lot and it also just has a really nice ring to it.

X: It’s unique.

J: Which actually is a west Asheville thing, supposedly. I think a lot of people name their bands after [places.] People who live here really like it.

What’s your favorite song off of Scene? Why?

L: I like Resurrection.

J: I think Resurrection is my least favorite song.

Really? I’ve heard that people really love Resurrection!

J: It’s nice to know that. . . that people like our songs!

C: On Spotify, it’s the only one of our songs that has the little popularity bar.

X: Yeah, it has one popularity bar.

X: My favorite is Resurrection because how we play it, and how it sounds in real life.

J: I also think What I Meant is underrated. What I Meant is my favorite.

X: I actually think What I Meant is my favorite.

J: There’s a lot of emotion and then it’s over.

X: If someone asks to hear our music and I play it for them, I actually go to What I Meant. That’s my favorite.

J: I think the coolest thing is how the album has a lot of well rounded songs.

X: My favorite is Evergreen. That’s my final answer. That's the one that I’m most proud of and I feel well connected to it.

C: Evergreen.

Have you had any crazy experiences in the Asheville music scene/ at shows/ during recording?

L: There was a guy at the last Shithaus party, and he was on coke or something. He started a fight with everyone who lived there. The last Shithaus show/ party ended with a fight.

C: Shithaus is the epicenter for a lot of stories. More crazy stuff happens at house parties.

X: Every house party that’s been on Brucemont, someone has tagged the basement. I’ve been cleaning bottles out the next day and there’s a fresh tag somewhere. That’s not crazy, but --

J: Oh! Good story! The toilet water was backing up and that guy was jumping on the fucking board next to the drain. And he was jumping up and down and it was just going everywhere.

C: It wasn’t poop water, but it was related.

J: That was funny. That was at Brucemont and it was after one of our shows. . . Also last time I bled. All over my drum set.

L: There was this punk house called 69 Gay Street, it was like the best place ever. The ceiling was so low, and people would crowd surf there so much that there were always footprints on the ceiling. So when they moved out, there were all of these boot prints all over the ceiling and it looked really, really cool.

Asheville seems to be such a big town for buskers. Has any of you ever tried busking before? If so, what was it like?

J: Fuck them, and they’re from Florida. That’s my answer.

C: The thing about that is how it’s a different music crowd. It’s not related to any of the venues, and it’s not really related to musicians around here who do venues and house shows. The buskers don’t always interact with a lot of other musicians. They’re in their own world. I’ve never been to a house show with someone who also busks.

X: That was something that we aspired to in High School, but now, I don’t know. It doesn’t seem super realistic. It’s weird because you’re playing to a bunch of people who are walking by.

L: That’s like, everything that’s wrong with Asheville.

X: Also, in this busking scene, I was in another marimba band with adults after high school, and we’d play downtown sometimes if it was a nice day. People would pull up and be like “yo, this is our turf! Get outta here!”

How does the creative/ songwriting process work for you guys?

L: Pretty good.

J: Pretty great.

X: It’s been changing a little bit. Before, as they were saying earlier, I would just make a finished song and I’d be like “here’s the song, let’s learn it!” But now, with our newer stuff especially, I’ll have a half-formed idea and we’ll all work on it together, which is really cool.

J: We’re a band!

X: I think it’s more of an even mix of our tastes and expressions.

J: Traditionally, Xandy writes all of the stuff, and he delivers it to us. And then we ignore what he wants until he gets really mad about it --

X: -- and I’m like “guys, fucking listen to this!” and then they do and it goes great.

J: And we mostly play it pretty verbatim. After us playing all together, he’s also gotten better at it. It’s pretty cool that we are playing more together now that we’re more practiced and in sync. We’re writing together now. That’s getting really fun. The other day, actually, we’ve gotten to a point where we can kind of yell at each other without actually getting mad. So we’d say “just hear me out, can we try this thing?” I’m the drummer, but I play bass and keyboard, too. We all play a couple instruments. So I remember this last time -- I don’t know how to communicate chords because I can’t play chords on a guitar -- but I’m like, “there’s this note that I’m hearing that would be really cool if we could go to!” and that’s what’s cool about that. We all just fucking duked it out, to figure out what it could do, and that idea I had in my head was evolved upon as soon as I said it.

L: I feel like the newer stuff is a little bit more. . . chutzpah.

J: The newer stuff is a little more reflective of us. Xandy writing songs by himself is even different from Xandy writing with us. It has all of our sounds & stuff. Also, when you’re recording by yourself, it’s really easy to just to play, like “la la laaa. . . “ and when you’re playing with other people you’re like “YEAH!” It’s hard to fucking bang shit out.

X: Yeah you’re right. You can’t bang shit out on your own.

What bands/ artists influence your sound the most?

X: For me, with my writing, it’s mostly mainstream indie rock. I never stopped listening to The Shins. I love them. I took a lot of ques from Grizzly Bear. Here We Go Magic. Smith Westerns.

J: I agree with all of these things.

When I first heard you guys, you actually reminded me a lot of The Shins.

J: Some of [Xandy’s] vocal melodies are definitely where when he would first sing it I’d be like “hah! What? Pretty sure Mercer’s done that.” But mixed with the music it’s so different. It’s got a lot more influences, especially the new stuff. Drum-wise, I always go back to Stuart Copeland who was the drummer for The Police.

L: Fuck yes dude!

J: I’ve played in a reggae band, and I really like that. So there’s a little bit of just something different there with the syncopation. I think it might be more than with indie rock. It might also just have to do with all of our influences. Spoon is another big one.

X: Frankie Cosmos is a huge one. Alex G, Palehound. I’ve also had a lot of music phases where I’d be into jazz, or acid-techno, or world music. West African, Afro-pop, samba, bossa nova, even more progressive, like Brazillian, Portuguese rock, French music from the 60’s. Whitest Boy Alive and Erlend Øye. Erlend Øye in general is a HUGE influence for me. He’s my musical idol. I love him.

L: The Beatles.

X: My parents raised me on The Beatles.

J: I think that might be a given for all of us.

X: It might have given me my ear for chords and harmonies.

J: Radiohead. Radiohead is like god-level though. It’s just remembering that Radiohead is going to be better than every band that ever comes after us. And knowing that and then being okay with it.

C: The Beatles and Radiohead are on the same wave of influence. The same tier.

X: It’s like saying you like music.

L: They are very different though. [Radiohead] is very introverted, studio-heavy.

J: We do look up to that, though. Songs like Evergreen and Weird Fishes [by Radiohead], the drum parts are very similar in syncopation. On the new music, though, when you listen to some newer stuff we’re writing right now, I hear more Tame Impala and King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard. It’s getting [musically] harder.

Any life experiences that formed songs?

X: I guess almost all of my songs are formed by relationships or being in and out of love with someone. Which is kind of tacky. But some songs, it’s a mix of different things: trying to be a musician in Asheville, and about weird things that my friends are doing, or not doing. Evergreen is about my last relationship. I wrote that one and it feels very universal to me. It feels like I can apply it to a lot for different parts of my life. But it was definitely about a relationship.

J: I think those lyrics are very universal.

What do you want out of music/ the music industry? What does the perfect image of success look like for you?

X: Lots and lots of black tar heroine.

Me too! That’s why I’m in Melted.

X: I’m just trying to mellllllllltt. Haha!

J: Do we all agree that the original idea of a rockstar is probably not what we wanna do?

All: Yeah.

X: I think my image of success is having enough to live off of. Just because of music. And then putting out stuff that people really like.

C: Being able to record our albums without--

J: --having to suck every single dick of every single person who gives us money to record our album. We would rather not do that. . .

C: I think it would be nice to have enough financial gain for our recording -- to take however long we want to record our album--- and not feel like we’re taking a hit in our checking accounts. Beyond that, honestly, I could give a shit. I want to play music for my friends, make music with my friends, and record music ‘cause I love doing those things.

X: My idea of success is not having to work a job because of my music. And that’s all.

J: I forget how fun it is to play in front of people, and so I say it’s not important, but we just played The Mothlight and there were a lot of people in the audience and I was like “oh shit, people actually like our music.” Shows would be really fun, and the format of our music works well for shows.

X: I wouldn’t want to play the Civic Center [which is owned by US Cellular and is an epicenter for less authenticity and more commercialized shows]. . .

J: But we could also crush a small Bonaroo set. We could totally do that. It would be fun.

X: My favorite part of shows is the give and take. It’s a personal thing.

J: And meeting other bands, too, that are trying really hard. But I also run a business. So I really like that. Maybe fame is not the angle. But we’ve always had recording equipment, and we’ve always been really interested in that. The album we recorded was done all on our own equipment.

Tell us about your newly-released EP Fault.

X: Well, the new songs definitely have a different feel. We moved from, I don’t know, dance rock, to more surf rock, and now it’s like psych. It’s a little more aggressive, more mathy.

J: Lewis and Xandy have switched instruments for the majority of the songs.

X: Yeah, thank GOD. I’m not fucking on guitar anymore.

J: Xandy started playing bass and he doesn’t have to play a guitar solo ever again. Lewis is a riff master. He just shits riffs out. Like good riffs, though. Like shiny fucking beautiful riffs.

L: Put that on a tombstone.

C: Textbook riff shitter. When you think riff shitter, think Lewis.

J: They’re polished.

Should we expect to hear any sounds similar to your album Scene, or will it sound completely different?

J: It’s sounding different. But the EP is a cool side thing almost. The EP is more in the direction of Ressurection-y stuff. What I Meant. More light hearted.

A song, artist, or album that makes you feel a heavy dose of nostalgia?

J: I really like The Kinks. That’s some nostalgia.

L: Oooo. Nostalgia is the record Alopecia by Why?. That’s the most nostalgic album in my life.

X: I don’t like them. I hate them. But I think I’ve only heard Elephant Eyelash. Oh it’s a horrible album. I hated it. It’s so whiny.

L: You might not like Alopecia either.

J: I also really like Deerhunter. Deerhunter’s music. . . like he’s nostalgic for those times. He’s more applicable to me.

X: The Shins, and The Strokes make me nostalgic. Flatt & Scruggs. They make me feel nostalgia.

J: THE STROKES!!!!

L: Mad Brains! : Real Estate. Beach House.

J: Are we old enough to understand nostalgia as a concept? I. . . would challenge this question based on our age. Not saying it’s a bad question, I just don’t know if we’re old enough. I think so, but I also think that the nostalgia from people who are three times as old as us are gonna be much more nostalgic.

L: Dude, I was nostalgic from the womb.

X: Yeah me too.

Do you prefer vinyl? MP3? Tapes? Physical or digital ways of listening to music?

L: Digital, but Vinyl when I have free time.

X: Ditto.

J: I love vinyl. However, I have a really nice set of brand new speakers that are fucking amazing paired with a vintage amp

X: You came into my house and my computer was sitting on top of the record player. Maybe that’s symbolic.

L: I am an aux cord liker.

C: I do have a soft spot in my heart, though, for 128 kilobytes per second.

J: I think that the best format for music is definitely an 8 track. No I’m just kidding. The best format of music is. . . no question, a V0 LAME Encoded MP3. .flac is a lossless file format but it’s also open source, and therefore is the best. .wavs and .aiffs and .accs can go suck a dick.

A favorite memory that could inspire jams for years to come?

J: Playing with these guys before any of us had any hair on our faces.

X: Honestly, I don’t feel that much nostalgia for. . . I don’t fully identify with the 90’s because I was so young then. The early 2000s? I don’t feel it.

L: I get super nostalgic about trip hop. Massive Attack. I always heard that shit when I was little and I thought “that is the coolest sound ever.” And then it just, like, died.

J: I miss playing Sims and Rollercoaster Tycoon instead of having to do work.

LISTEN TO BRUCEMONT HERE

PHOTOS by AUDREY KEELIN

INTERVIEW by AUDREY KEELIN + HILA SULLIVAN

#Brucemont #Asheville #NC #MELTED MAGAZINE #Audrey Keelin #Hila Sullivan #interview #music interview

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camilliar · 7 years

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I'm curious about your trans headcanons now. I see occasional fic with CP characters as trans men who are already fully transitioned by the time they get to college, but I would be really interested to see the dynamics of a character coming out as a woman. Especially a character who presents very masculine in the comic, like Jack.

Hiiiii, Ilove this ask, come here, let’s be friends.

I’m not muchof a headcanon person, by which I mean, when I have ideas about characters Itend to put them into stories instead of “what if” informal posts. Thiscomplicates my cool fannish image because I look very inactive when really I’vejust been writing tens of thousands of words that, like a dodo, I absolutelywill not post as WIPs. On the other hand, it does mean I’ve written 20,000words about Jack being trans. I’ve mentioned it here,but I’m not sure to what extent it’ll end up as a story that gets posted.

At theoutset I should say that I take a center-liberal approach to fic writing, whichis to say, I like things to be canon-compliant when they’re not straight-upAUs, but I’m not fundamentalist about what canon-compliant means. I think there’sroom to write a story that adheres to the comic canon but posits that the circumstancesof the characters’ lives and relationships might shift in the future, beyondwhere canon takes them. In that sense I think you have to look at who Jack isif you’re going to do this, and there isn’t a lot of overt evidence that he’ssuffering gender confusion.

There is,however, a lot of subtext. Jack’s story is, in a lot of ways, about strugglingto conform to a neat performance of masculinity. He works incredibly hard tomeet these social expectations; the kind of person Jack is supposed to be doesn’tdeal with mental illness, or drug dependency, or like boys. There is a lot oftextual evidence in the comic that he is consciously or subconsciously fightingagainst these things by controlling the aspects of his life that he can bringin line with expectations: how he spends his days, what his body looks like,and what he reveals about himself to other people. He’s vague and sometimesobfuscating about that, and puts his experiences in terms of what he doesrather than who he is, which I find to be an interesting kind of detachment. Hegoes around telling people he is dating Bitty, but in the comic so far hasn’t identifiedas gay or bi or even something more general like queer or not straight.

I liked thatmoment where he was talking about thecosts of playing hockey that he’s willing to endure, and he mentions, “The expectations and the spotlight …. The anxiety…” Obviouslyhe has expectations for himself, but by and large “the expectations and thespotlight” are things that are external to Jack, things happening to him; Ithink given the recurring theme of people speculating on and assessing him,fairly or unfairly, it seems like he is thinking of these expectations as thoseheld by other people, not ones he’s placing on himself. His anxiety is not anexternal thing, though; it’s something that’s real but is only ever happening inhis brain, that he’s doing to himself. It might be exacerbated by a toxicsports media culture and the general drag that is patriarchal heteronormative bullshit,but his brain is something for him to own, and he’s putting some distancebetween himself, and that.

It’s interestingto me that Jack comes out to George when they’re running. Some of this ispractical; Jack wants to talk to her in as private a place as he can, and heprobably doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to get her alone at work, and itmight have been too much build-up for him to reach out and say, “I need to getyou alone so I can talk to you.” At the same time you have to look at all thethings Jack is tacitly communicating to George: I’m dating a dude, but, I’m still an elite athleteconforming to all of the other expectations of masculinity, I’ll go on this runwith you, I’m down for whatever you put on me, I’m the same person I was the last time we went on a run. He even puts on a dude-ish baseball cap before he gets out of the car, like he’sputting on his dude drag to go have this conversation. God forbid hisconfession that he’s with Bitty undermine George’s view of him as one of herhockey players.

Even hischoice of Bitty as a romantic partner is something I don’t think the fandomexamines enough. Partly it’s because Check,Please! is a yaoi slash heart-eyes adoraboo webcomic, so a good portion ofthe audience is going to just accept this canon couple as a given withoutlooking into it too deeply. I remember Ngozi saying somewhere, at some point,that Jack needs someone really special to get through to him, with theimplication being that Bitty is that special person, he is a flawless angel childwho straddles both ends of the gender-presentation spectrum with his tinyperfect ass bisecting the middle, god bless him. But I’m cynical so I can’tjust take that as a given, and I have to think about the way in which thepeople we associate with, and especially, the people we are attracted to, areways in which we practice our own identity construction. How does standing nextto Bitty make Jack look? Maybe Jack doesn’t think about it in thatstraightforward a manner, but he must be aware on some level that this is goingto reflect back on him. Why does he send Bitty a zillion roses for Valentine’sDay? I mean, the comic isn’t there yet, but let’s think this out for a second: it’sa textbook male gesture to send the person you’re dating flowers. So, Jacksends Bitty shitloads of flowers. It’stoo easy to just say that Jack is super intense and he gives 110 percent, he’sso extra, etc. Like, yes, he is extra, but why is he so extra? Because he canbe? Or because Bitty will be 110 percent happier with 110 extra roses? Or because he’strying to perform 110 percent masculinity?

Writingabout Jack coming out as a woman and transitioning is an interesting way toneedle at his character. (And also, an interesting way to needle at myself, youknow, that’s writing for you.) Back to my center-liberal mode of fannish participation:I do not think that Jack is fundamentally being written this way, but rather,that it’s one way to interpret and examine how Jack relates to himself andparticipates in traditional masculinity. There are a zillion other ways to dothis, and I find that almost every OMGCP fic I write or post I make is essentiallygetting at the problem of Jack’s character from a different angle. (Except onefic that’s the same, except, Kent Parson instead.)

For me, a majorissue in the problem of Jack’s character is that trying to establish himself inthe echelons of professional hockey caused him to suffer greatly, to the pointof almost dying, possibly intentionally—but he decided, for some reason, thathe wanted to go back for more, and try again. So much of the work I see in thisfandom is about how Jack pushing himself to overcome his issues and succeed inhockey is a positive character trait, and readers are proud of him. But Ithink, within the canon and within the fandom, there is a major unansweredquestion in the form of, what the heck is going on with this character that hecannot and will not stop doing things that have the potential to cause himserious harm? Is he just autistic, and unable to detach from this thing he’sfixated on? Is it that he has literally never thought about anything else hemight do with his life? Or is it that he cannot stop thinking of himself as ahockey player? What would happen if he did? How would he start to think abouthimself, if he stopped thinking of himself as a hockey player and began to thinkof himself as anyone or anything else, and stopped compartmentalizing hisidentity and his experiences?

His brain ishorribly roadblocked. “I don’t think about this stuff too much,” he tellsShitty.And, sure, that’s normal, especially among men raised in hyper-masculinecontexts. But it’s normal because those men exist in a social context wherethey should be afraid of what they might find out about themselves if theythought about it too much. He then makes a joke about how he’s a robot andmakes fun of Shitty’s arguably less fraught romantic life, as if Shitty havingfeelings for Lardo is some kind of weakness. He then picks up Shitty and throwshim in a pile of leaves, which is so painfully overt and demonstrative adisplay of masculine and dominant behavior that Bitty notices from inside andyells at him. I don’t think this is what Ngozi intended, but it’s a fair enoughinterpretation of what’s going on: Shitty made Jack feel a little too much, ora little too conscious of himself, and so he has to respond by emasculatingShitty. Shitty’s like, “Love has changed you,” but like, I dunno, has it, or,how has it?

Granted, alot of this is nebulous, because we don’t know and probably won’t find out muchabout what happened to Jack when he was in juniors, what happened to Jack whenhe was in rehab, or what Jack’s decision-making process was when he applied tocollege—by which I mean, it’s unclear if he just saw it as a means to an end.It’s also unclear how Jack handles his anxiety—is he in therapy, is he takingmeds? It’s unclear how he thinks of himself in terms of drug use—for the mostpart, ending up in rehab at 18 is incongruous with having a beer every now andthen, though it’s also worth asking how having a beer at key moments makes himlook to other people, or how it makes him feel about himself. We just don’tknow that much about Jack, for all the comic is largely about him. It can bedifficult to pinpoint exactly how much he knows about himself, and why he’smade the choices he’s made, because many of those decisions are opaque toreaders.

But, that’swhere fandom gets to work. So I come back to the trans Jack thing here. Jackhas spent most of his life, probably, being told (perhaps implicitly more thanexplicitly) that he needed to do certain things and seem a certain way in orderto be taken seriously, and not be suspected of any kind of femmey or queerinclinations. (He knows that being with Kent Parson could have “really messedwith” their hockey careers, for one thing.) Am I saying that butch people, like, don’treally exist, and it’s all a construct? I don’t want to stick my nose into anature/nurture thing, but it’s undeniable that the style you project is part ofa complex network of influences, some of which are prejudices. To write Jack astrans is to ask questions about how those prejudices have affected him, andwhat might happen if he discarded them.

In terms ofhow a story about trans Jack would look, I can tell you what I’m interested inexamining: biology is destiny, and Jack’s body is pretty materially mannish. Towhat extent would it be possible to conform to that, reject it, subvert it?Jack’s attraction to Bitty is probably fixed, but Bitty is gay, and being withJack is an aspect of his constructionof self. How does Bitty cope with having someone else’s decisions destabilizehow he thinks and what he thinks he knows about himself? Jack is a publicfigure with a lot of privilege, but nor does Jack seem like an ideal or enthusiasticspokesperson or model for trans (or gay, or mental health) visibility. We don’tknow if Jack has any awareness of queer discourse or narratives, or how Jack wouldeasily fit into those, or not. How long does Jack think about this—is itsomething that occurs to Jack slowly, over many years, unsure how to act on it?Or is it something Jack realizes, suddenly, and wants to act on immediately? Howdoes this change how Jack relates to Jack’s parents? To the idea of being a parent? Would Jack want to playin the NHL as a woman? How does retirement and a life after hockey fit intoJack’s process?

Ultimately Idon’t think this fandom does that great a job at interrogating characters, orthe general situations they’re in. I’m kind of shocked at how little discussionthere is of what being a not-straight-guy paying hockey means. There’s a lot oftalk about how toxic masculinity is bad and learning to love yourself is good,but I don’t think the fandom is honest about just how physically andpsychologically damaging a hyper-aggressive sport can be, and why thesecharacters put themselves in harm’s way to endure it. It’s not just makingfriends and the thrill of winning and being Canadian; there are socially coded valuesinvolved. Bitty wrestling with his fear of checking to become marginally betterat hockey (if not at NHL-level) is, through one lens, a story about personaltriumph over adversity. But through another lens it’s a story about someoneputting themselves through hell and exposing themselves to harm over and over again,voluntarily—and for what? For camaraderie, for some scholarship dollars, forJack’s ass, sure—but that’s not all Bitty’s getting out of this.

So too withJack, is the thing, but times a zillion. And I wish the fandom did a better orat least more open job of addressing this. Writing a story where Jack is atrans woman is one means of doing so, or asking, why is he so freaking extra? What’she getting out of this? What does all that extra jocular dudeishness and hockeyfervor compensate for?

What’s itdistracting him from?

And whatwould happen if you took that away?

#meta

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