ditzybat
(๑•ૅㅁ•๑)
cleo, she/her, 16just a silly lil dude who’s brain is rotting with dc headcanons and incorrect quotes
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bruce staring at hal: sometimes i want to kill him, or maybe lightly maim
clark: i think he’s got intergalactic diplomatic immunity, so you literally cannot
bruce, grumbling: you and your diplomatic immunity’s…
#dc#bruce wayne#hal jordan#clark kent#batman#green lantern#batlantern#superman#green lantern corps#joker#a death in the family
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bruce: dick, jason, and damian would just lie to me, you’re my only honest son
tim ‘snuck a batmobile into the batarang budget’ drake: yeah … definitely B
#and don’t get me started on the fake uncle#dc#tim drake#bruce wayne#robin#red robin#batman#batfam#jason todd#dick grayson#damian wayne#red hood#nightwing
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tim: honestly, ra’s isn’t that bad of a guy
dick: tim, is this some weird form of stockholm syndrome we need to talk about?
tim: what? no, his whole thing for killing people is basically ‘save the trees’ the guys a hippie - he cries when an animal dies and he met his wife at woodstock
dick: and your point is?
tim: i’m just saying, he’s a silly lil dude
dick: tim, he’s killed thousands
tim: hypothetically i have as well, but i don’t think explosions count if you give them a 5 minute warning
dick: what?!
tim: again, hypothetically
#hypothetical because no one addresses the fact that blowing up all those loa bases meant blowing up all those people inside too#dc#tim drake#dick grayson#ra’s al ghul#robin#red robin#nightwing#batman#batfam
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bruce: everyone this is mia mizoguchi, she —
jason: okay we need to host an intervention, this is getting ridiculous
damian: i thought when he brought the starfish home he would realize his problem
tim: this is bruce we’re talking about, bruce who collects robins like pokémon, of course he doesn’t see his problem
steph: hopefully this one won’t die, we all have at least once and it’s making me think the mantel is a curse
dick: i think bruce needs to go to the child hoarding equivalent of alchohlics anonymous - nothing against you though mia!
duke: honestly it’s not that bad, you get free housing, a vaguely parental shaped figure, food, and a complimentary red head or super when you join this child bird-hero militia
mia: i have parents, why am i even here??
#mia ‘maps’ mizoguchi my beloved - they can never make me hate you#dc#mia mizoguchi#bruce wayne#jason todd#damian wayne#tim drake#stephanie brown#dick grayson#duke thomas#robin#red hood#red robin#nightwing#spoiler#batgirl#batman#signal
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the lego batman movie reads like it was written by jason and tim mocking bruce and dick, like you can’t tell me the batjokes isnt there to piss bruce off, courtesy of tim, or the whole scaly panties thing isn’t jason making fun of the robin uniform
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joker: how did you find my super secret warehouse, let alone that i escaped arkham?!
bruce: you really need to stop posting your criminal activities on your private story, robin is one of 12 people added
joker: because he’s my son! my lil junior
tim: ignoring the fact that that hasn’t happened in this timeline, you have to unadd me, i don’t think i can take seeing your cheesy knock knock jokes circulating my feed again for the sake of my sanity
#i love cryptid tim drake#when he knows about all the timelines n stuff#dc#joker#tim drake#bruce wayne#robin#red robin#batman
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cass: …
bruce: …
duke: what’s happening with them?
tim: i don’t… know, they’ve just been staring at eachother silently for the past half hour, it’s weirdly intense
bruce wiping away a tear: thank you that was a very deep and meaningful conversation
cass: of course, love you dad
#cass and bruce just staring at eachother and having a conversation through body language and vibes#cass is such a daddy’s girl#and bruce is such a girl dad#dc#cassandra cain#bruce wayne#tim drake#duke thomas#batgirl#black bat#orphan#batman#robin#red robin#signal
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kon: happy mother’s day!
lex: …conner we talked about this..
kon: so you don’t want this prada bag i bought with clark’s money for the hard 16 years of labor you put in to make my test tube?…
lex: …
lex: happy mother’s day son
#lex is the mom in the non existent relationship#and clark is the mildly deadbeat dad#only because he didn’t even know kon existed but also because he treated him like crap#dc#kon el kent#superboy#lex luthor#clark kent#superman
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tim: i don’t know wether or not to be more disturbed by the fact that you managed to kidnap me, or that you’re stroking my pickled spleen like a bad austin powers villain
ra’s: your spleen is not pickled, i cherish it too much for that, it’s simply preserved
tim: yeah this is weird even for you
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bernard: ooh is that your portfolio for your photography class? can i see?
tim: yeah sure
bernard: …
bernard: dude, this just a selfie of robin, how did you get this?
tim, who got artist block and ran out of ideas (aka was benched and wasn’t allowed to take candids of the rest of the bats for his final): uhhhhhhhhh
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hc that jason had the worlds worst smokers cough, popcorn lung wheeze, and lawnmower dad snore known to man before he died, and when he came back from the pits his lungs healed and begins the cycle of smoking a pack a day for no other reason than that he truly believes that if the joker can’t take him out a plant rolled in paper wont either.
#i know that helmet smells rank from his cigarette breath#alfred and cass team up and give him disappointed looks and all of a sudden he eats dum dums like its the worlds best thing#dc#jason todd#robin#red hood#batman#batfam
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the lego batman movie reads like it was written by jason and tim mocking bruce and dick, like you can’t tell me the batjokes isnt there to piss bruce off, courtesy of tim, or the whole scaly panties thing isn’t jason making fun of the robin uniform
#dc#lego batman#jason todd#tim drake#robin#red robin#red hood#bruce wayne#dick grayson#batman#batjokes#batfam
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jason unironically listens to jojo siwas new song as a pre patrol hype song, can’t convince me otherwise, so imagine you’re getting your shit rocked by the red hood and all of a sudden he’s just humming karmas a bitch while putting a bullet in your kneecap.
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tim hosting a DARE assembly at school: i will avoid peer pressure and drugs and try my best to prevent others from ruining my happiness. i am and will continue to be drug-free.
bernard: i saw you hit a blinker in the bathroom before this.
tim: shhhhh, bear i'll let you hit my cart if you keep your trap shut…
tim: sweet dog you got there.
gordon: yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.
tim: still training huh?
gordon: red robin.. what do you mean?
tim: ...
tim: nevermind...
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I want less of "the Drakes were terrible people and parents and Bruce rescues poor sad Timmy" (not knocking the trope it just got old for me)
And more of Bruce suffering a hell of his own creation as he tries to figure out how to parent Timothy "latchkey kid" Drake, who doesn't respect the concept of having parental supervision in general and more specifically Bruce's authority as his new guardian at all, because Tim was basically his caretaker for the entire beginning of his tenure as Robin
Any kind of Parental Action would have Bruce choking in his own hypocrisy. Like... imagine trying to get your teenage son to go to bed when he's been putting your ass down for naps for like, years, by that point. Imagine telling him to eat healthier when at 13 years old he was helping your butler with designing your meal plan 'cause you were too depressed to eat
Bruce gently tries to get him to stop working on a case to take a break, and Tim raises a single withering eyebrow (he learned this from Alfred) and Bruce immediately shuts up. Tim only listens to Bruce when he wants to and being legally adopted by the man hasn't changed that
(And I want fics of the rest of the batfam reacting to this dynamic soooooooo bad)
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damian: you bumbling bafoon! never in my life have i met such a -
jason: big words considering i fucked your mom.
dick: YOU DID WHAT?!
jason: oops
#tim: huh - like father like son ig#dc#damian wayne#jason todd#dick grayson#tim drake#robin#red hood#nightwing#red robin#talia al ghul
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tim: sweet dog you got there.
gordon: yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.
tim: still training huh?
gordon: red robin.. what do you mean?
tim: ...
tim: nevermind...
#he has a blunt in his utility belt he plans to share with spoiler later#and a cart#and perhaps a guava ice lost mary that he hits whenever bruce isnt looking - its like a game#stoner tim drake my beloved#dc#tim drake#james gordon#robin#red robin#batman#batfam#bruce wayne#spoiler#stephanie brown#incorrect quote generator
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