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radfemfox5 · 10 months

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Hi there - I'm trans and Jewish and I'd like to share my perspective on the "trans genocide" thing. I don't think we're experiencing active genocide in the US; that's definitely an extreme and offensive statement to make regarding what's happening. However, I do think that the increasing legislation attacking trans rights and autonomy as well as an increasingly polarized public view of trans people points to the potential for a worse situation that moves closer to genocide.

Now, personally, I live in a state where no laws limiting trans rights have passed. I was able to legally begin my medical transition when I was 15, I've never experienced transphobic violence, and the majority of people around me are supportive of my transition. My experience is similar to most other trans people in my area, with varying degrees of familial support.

But nation wide, we have seen an increase of trans people being murdered, and a massive increase in anti-trans legislation. This legislation aims to strip trans people of their autonomy and privacy. It seeks to put trans children in danger, remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access, and enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

Most of this is happening because right wing politicians can capitalize on moral outrage and fear to win votes. They're scapegoating trans people instead of trying to improve the lives of their constituents. This is kind of politician's thing, so it's not surprising in any way. However, when those policies successfully do win these politicians support, they'll have to make them more extreme. They'll want to make it illegal to exist as a trans person in public.

Now I'm not saying that that's genocide. I think we're an awfully long way off from trans people being mass arrested for being trans, and then murdered by the state. But we are in a rising climate of fear, and I don't think the trans people calling this the seventh stage of genocide are doing so out of bad faith. I think they're doing that because they are terrified of having their right to take life-saving medication, or have protection in the workplace, or be able to use a bathroom, or have children, or wear what they want to wear taken away. And they're terrified of those things because the bills on the table in states across the country put those rights in jeopardy. And if calling this a genocide makes people pay attention? I'm not super mad about it.

Hi, thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I appreciate it.

Your fear is primarily based on sensationalist headlines and interpretations of the law that are unfounded. I can assure you, you are not even in the early stages of a genocide.

But nation wide, we have seen an increase of trans people being murdered

In 2021, the Human Rights Campaign recorded 50 deaths of trans, nonbinary and GNC people.

In 2022, the HRC recorded 38 deaths (source). So. If we take these numbers at face value, that's a decrease of nearly 25% in one year, in a growing section of the population.

Taking these numbers and the size of the transgender population in the US (1.6 million), in 2021, trans people had a death rate of 3.1/100k, and in 2022, this dropped to 2.4. Again, the numbers provided by the HRC include nonbinary and GNC people, and accidental deaths.

Some of these aren't even murders or intentional homicides. They just say they were killed. I wouldn't consider these numbers reliable whatsoever, but they're the only estimate we have for now. There are so few trans deaths that they can fit on a single Wikipedia page, along with a little blurb about their life and who they were. It would be impossible to do something similar with victims of femicide, since there are too many to count. This page lists victims of femicide, only in Canada, only in 2022, and it is nearly as long as the Wikipedia page I listed above.

This is a perfect segue to my next point, which is to compare trans genocide to femicide, which is actually real. Women are killed so often that the UN has to categorize female murder victims as either killings (unnatural deaths), intentional homicides or gender-related killings (hate crimes, therefore considered in femicide statistics).

The intentional homicide rate for female victims in the US is 2.9/100k (data from 2021), and it is steadily increasing after having been on the decline since the mid-90s.

That only includes the pink and red circles shown in the UN's chart, not accidental deaths or unknown deaths like the HRC includes in their counts. Some countries have as many as 10.6/100k women die a year.

TL;DR: The murder rate for trans people in the US is not increasing, it is decreasing. This isn't indicative of a trans genocide in the slightest.

But nation wide, we have seen [...] a massive increase in anti-trans legislation.

As I was saying earlier, this idea stems from sensationalist headlines. It's concerning to me how widespread the misinformation about anti trans legislation really is, when house bills are publicly available online. You can literally do a quick Google search and find that most of these bills are nothing burgers.

Unfortunately, it's easier for you to just go on a website like translegislation.com and have them tell you what these bills say. I'll do some of the work for you and go through how these sites lie to you.

Alabama imposing criminal penalties on providers of trans healthcare? Sounds scary. Let's see what the source they linked, the HRC, has to say.

Ah. So it's specifically regarding transgender youth. As in, minors. This is after going through an insanely long title detailing how bad the bill is. The trans legislation tracker essentially lies by omission, implying that all trans healthcare is being criminalized.

Going to the bill in question, AL SB184, we can see that it actually acknowledges the existence of dysphoria in children.

However, they also acknowledge that this feeling may be fleeting, and that making permanent changes to a child's body solely on account of the child's personal sense of identity is unwise.

I won't go through every single bill here, as this post is already very long, but you get the idea. Feel free to send another ask if you would like me to look at specific bills.

Back to your ask: the way you speak of these bills shows that you've never read them for yourself or know how legislation works, since you're acting like it's the beginning of Armageddon.

This legislation aims to strip trans people of their autonomy and privacy. It seeks to put trans children in danger, remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access, and enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

I'm assuming by autonomy and privacy, you mean the choice to undergo medical transition and the bathroom/locker room/women's sports issue respectively.

Bills limiting "gender-affirming" care are focused on children, since puberty blockers like Lupron are now known to have very negative and permanent effects. The bills don't ban adults from choosing to take HRT. It's extremely profitable for doctors to continue to prescribe HRT and for surgeons to continue to recommend expensive plastic surgeries. Legislation won't go that route unless there's a massive shift in public perception.

The "Save Women's Sports Act" literally just limits participation in women's school sports to females only. That's it. The trans legislation tracker even acknowledges this.

Most of these bills are copy pasted from eachother, which is why they're all dubbed as "Save Women's Sports." Here's a snippet from HB61 in Ohio:

If someone's sex is brought into question, a simple blood test is all that's needed. Contrary to what the media may have led you to believe, there are no forcible genital inspections. No trans person is being forced to undress for this. Only 6 trans "girls" are affected by this in Ohio, out of 400k total athletes in girl's sports. So I'm not sure why this feels like a precursor to genocide to you.

remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access,

Personally, I don't think children should be aware that medical transition is even a remote possibility unless they are in extreme psychological distress related to their sex. Even then, therapy is usually the best solution. I don't think the "Gender Unicorn," a surprisingly complex graphic created in part by an alleged violent rapist and groomer, should be used in classrooms to teach children about gender ideology. Gender ideology should be taught to college students who are better equipped to form their own opinion, not children who barely know how to read.

There are better, more useful things to push in our education curriculum, like compulsory comprehensive sex ed. That way, young men don't learn about sex through violent pornography, and young girls don't accidentally get pregnant without knowing what it means. This would also be a good time to teach them about sexual orientation. Leaving it up to the parents or focusing on abstinence evidently doesn't work.

enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

The lack of self-awareness here is pretty astounding. The trans movement actively enforces these archaic ideas of gender by telling tomboys that they might actually be a boy. This implies that femininity is what makes womanhood, which is objectively untrue.

By telling masculine women that they are men and feminine men that they are women, you're literally enforcing the gender roles you say you're destroying.

They'll want to make it illegal to exist as a trans person in public.

You can speculate about this all you want, but you can't see laws limiting child transition and keeping sports sex-segregated as writing on the wall. We're not even close to that.

Now I'm not saying that that's genocide. I think we're an awfully long way off from trans people being mass arrested for being trans, and then murdered by the state.

I'm glad to hear you are moderately sane.

But we are in a rising climate of fear,

Your phrasing reminds me of US politics in the wake of 9/11. When people act out of fear, decisions are made in haste, and wars are started over made-up WMDs. Being fearful clouds your judgement.

Look around you. You're safe and accepted. The trans flag is flown almost everywhere in June. A trans woman won the NCAA National Champion title just last year. For International Women's Day, multiple companies featured trans women. Time Magazine featured many trans women as Women of the Year. Language is now inclusive, so women don't actually exist anymore. We're just uterus havers. This is all to cater to trans people.

Yeah. It's getting to be a bit much, isn't it? Don't you expect the least bit of pushback, especially from women? We aren't living in fear of some invisible boogeyman. We are angry at how rapidly our hard work has been undone.

We're pissed that after decades of feminist progress, we've regressed to being considered non-men once again.

and I don't think the trans people calling this the seventh stage of genocide are doing so out of bad faith. I think they're doing that because they are terrified of having their right to take life-saving medication, or have protection in the workplace, or be able to use a bathroom, or have children, or wear what they want to wear taken away.

Puberty blockers and HRT do not save lives. They actually haven't been proven to have a substantial enough effect on mental health to consider them an adequate treatment for gender dysphoria.

2. Trans people have the same basic human rights as any other human being.

3. Many places are adding gender-neutral bathrooms in order to accommodate the growing trans population. No one is checking your genitals at the door of a bathroom, no one cares that much. I care about girls being assaulted at school by boys in skirts and the school boards covering it up in the name of trans acceptance (x).

4. Trans people remove their own ability to have children by going on puberty blockers, HRT and even eventually physically castrating themselves. If you mean the ability to adopt or foster children, I don't know. Gay and lesbian couples still have a hard time adopting to this day, so progress can be made in that department.

To conclude this hodgepodge of various facts, screenshots and links, I'll leave you with this:

I fundamentally disagree with you that crying "genocide" is in any way helpful for your community. It's not. Most of Western society might have forgotten what genocide looks like or doesn't even know what the word means anymore, but you should know better as a Jew.

The attention trans people get from saying that they're going through a genocide is overwhelmingly negative from people on both ends of the political spectrum at this point. People are annoyed at trans people for making shit up, which ruins your movement's credibility.

When you have to lie to get someone's attention, you've already lost.

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trashybugs · 6 months

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[Fanservant] Pan-Human-History Fairy King Oberon

PHH Fairy King Oberon

Class: Ruler

PROFILE

Default:

The great fairy king and the ruler of the Seelie court. Different from his Lostbelt counterpart who was born as a doomsday terminal, this fairy king lives just to enjoy life and be happy.

Although he was born as the elven king Alberich from the Germanic folklore Nibelungenlied, as time progresses, he has incarnated into a more famous portrayal from Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night Dream". He loves fame and attention, he doesn't mind shedding his old shell to become a more resplendent butterfly.

He is very capable in combat and holds a great strength, capable of controlling the nature and weather even from a change of mood. Because of his overwhelming strength, he's used to toying with his enemies and underestimating them. He prefers to summon his fae servants to fight for him while he watches from a fair distance with a benevolent (cruel) smile.

Bond 1:

Height/Weight: 183cm, 60kg (not counting antlers)

Origin: Germanic folklore, medieval European literature

Region: Britain (formerly), Avalon

Alignment: Chaotic-Neutral

Gender: Male

"My my, dearest, pray tell, why are you staring at me with that innocent, doe-eyed eyes look of yours... are you that astonished at how different I am to that pathetic, washed-out mimicry?

As expected, not a single being in any realm could come close to my greatness after all. Of course, there's a limit to what playing pretend could do... Now, come sit beside me. I would love to hear what you think of me."

A flirty, unrestrained, and outgoing monarch. Oberon has gathered a lot of lovers from varying races in his lifetime, and he's still open into adding more to his harem.

Bond 2:

While he loves gathering beautiful people for himself, he also takes great enjoyment in playing matchmaker and seeing other people's relationship develop, for the best or the worst.

A complete opposite from his other self who appreciates and finds value in everything, this Oberon does not bother attaching meaning in anything he chases. He doesn't view relationships and connections as something that should be cherished, for in the infamous Shakespearian play, his wife has proven to still love him no matter what he does.

He has a great many desires but his motives seem to be empty and short-sighted. As seen in the play, he gave his queen, Titania, a love potion to prank her without thinking much of what will happen after its effects wore off. He received no consequences for his actions and the story eventually brushed aside the quarrel that they had, further enabling his behavior. To him, there never seemed to be a problem that came his way or a moment in the story that criticized his faulty mindset.

His appetite for the world is unquenchable, as he views everything in it as worthy of enjoyment. He seeks to collect everything that shines before his eyes, yet as his collection grows, so does his dissatisfaction. What motives he has to obtain them are but a momentary fancy, but due to his own frivolous nature, he's fundamentally incapable of realizing and fulfilling his desire for a genuine attachment

Oberon lives as any pan-human history fairies will do, living life as he pleases.

Bond 3:

Being one of the great-father of the fae realm, Oberon, who came from the inner sea of the planet and has no connection with human civilization, is very connected to nature.

This can be seen with his appearance, a large beautiful antlers that attracts birds and insects to land on it, and legs resembling a stag. his outfit and a flowery cloak that is magically created by his fae servants. He’s adorned with jewelries from humans who gave him offering as a way to pass his territory safely. In some legend his pearls are made out of maiden’s tears.

with a face that is blessed to be forever beautiful, he is a king that is fitting to rule the fae realm.

Without his beloved queen Titania to accompany him, he took in her role and personality. He developed more gentle, nurturing, almost motherly role to the fairies around him.

As long there’s nature around him, he could give birth to new fairies on a whim using little bit of mana from his Fairy Patterns. He sires many children from that method of reproduction alone but he also took enjoyment in creating them with others. Such as his consorts and random human maidens.

In some legends he have another famous fairy queen besides Titania, named queen Mab

Bond 4:

Oberon was horrified and amused upon finding out about his other self. A pretend prince in rags and naught a kingdom to speak of. A solitary, spineless insect who is content to forever stare at the star above him instead of dragging it down for himself.

Oberon can't wrap his mind on the way his other self sees the world, and while he agrees that stories should not be forgotten, he thinks they should rightfully be enjoyed forever, else they don't qualify as something interesting. In that case, they might as well be obsolete in his eyes.

In the end he took great enjoyment in observing his other self, and wouldn't even mind extending his affections toward him.

After all, he is still his beloved's master compatriot.

Bond 5:

Though his favor is true in a sense, his seeming infatuation with the Chaldean master urges him to act as though he's madly in love with them. In truth, he initially sees them as a form of entertainment, something to satisfy his curiosity and burgeoning envy as to why his other self-took so much liking towards them.

His yearning for the fictitious Titania might perhaps be even stronger than that of Oberon Vortigern's, for he sees Titania as his rightful wife in the myth, unlike Oberon Vortigern who is simply a pretender. As time goes on, his desperation to have a genuine affection for his master grows, leading him to question why their relationship with his other self seems to flourish more than it does with him. He's failed to understand that his connection with his master is fundamentally different, as the relationship between his other self and the Chaldean master have been forged through a long journey together in Lostbelt Britain.

Despite his strong longing for a true love, he doesn't put much effort in trying to find it nor is his attachment to that desire strong enough to make him hate Pan Human History.

"After all, the world is a beautiful place filled with enjoyment, what would be the point in destroying such things?"

The world is but a playground to him, in the end.

big thanks to my friend @lamunana who helps me brainstorm his lore, write her own ideas and even fix my grammar!

#fgo #fate grand order #fgo oc #PHH Oberon #Oberon #trashy oc #fgo fanservant #fate fanservant

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sanctum-of-ramshackle · 4 months

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🤡WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE!!!🎈

[TWST AU]: An MC/Yuu who knows how to serve a smile, and sensing everyone’s deepest fears…

[Synopsis]: In this timeline, the MC/Yuu here is more on the deranged life form that can shape-shift into anyone, cause horrific illusions and devours its feared victims.

[Gender Neutral!Pennywise the Dancing Clown!MC/Yuu]

[(A/N)]: Oh my god. This banger of a song was a great inspiration for this AU. If you’re a fan of horror and a metal head, check out Ice Nine Kills. The band creates great music retelling horror classics and novels through the lyrics.

[(A/N #2)]: I know it's not October or near Halloween, but whatever. I don't think the story was taken place during October.

[Ice Nine Kills - IT Is The End ft. Peter Wasilewski & Buddy Schaub]

youtube

"On a pouring day, Night Raven College had their classes canceled for the day due to a heavy rain storm. Kalim Al Asim, the Dorm Leader of Scarabia was rushing back to his dorm with only a yellow raincoat on him to protect himself from the fallen drops. He was rushing back because he doesn't want to worry Jamil for staying out late. As he hurries on his trail, a voice catches his attention, leading back to a sewer drain."

"Hello? Anyone? I'm stuck down here."

"Kalim had been warned by Jamil and his family to not trust the noises he encounters when being alone himself and never follow through."

"Though, he followed the eerily calm voice and he peeked down at the drain, something came to view..."

IT!MC/Yuu: *Appears in the storm drain*

Kalim: *Gasps and backs up*

IT!MC/Yuu: Please call the DWP. I’m stuck in here.

♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇ 🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇

[Headmaster Crowley's office]

IT!MC/Yuu: After 27 years of being dormant back in Derry, Maine and being defeated by adults who roasted me, I’m now stuck in a world where kids have magic. Worst of all, I'm a teen myself!

Crowley: Now now, child. There is no need to have such anger.

IT!MC/Yuu: *Shape-shifts into a grotesque spider-like creature* I’m gonna rip your limbs apart and devour your flesh!

Crowley: *Hides behind Crewel* They’re not an ordinary student.

Crewel: *Sighs* No, really? I never recall a monstrous spider clown registering for Night Raven College.

♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇ 🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇

[Cafeteria]

Ace: You can't eat regular food?

IT!MC/Yuu: I can. Just prefer a certain type of food.

Deuce: I don't think they serve that kind.

IT!MC/Yuu: It's fine. I still can drink.

Jack: Aren't you underaged?

IT!MC/Yuu: My boy, I'm way passed the drinking age limit before you were born.

♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇ 🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇

IT!MC/Yuu: Oh my god. This child…I cannot sense any fear. I can’t even taste any to begin with.

Cheka: *Giggles* You’re a funny clown. What’s your name?

IT!MC/Yuu: …MC/Yuu. You can call me Penny. Where are your parents, little child?

Cheka: I’m here to visit Ojima!

IT!MC/Yuu: Where are they?

[After hours of searching]

[Savanaclaw Dorm]

[Leona's room]

Leona: *Sleeping in his room*

IT!MC/Yuu: Leona~

Leona: Huh?

IT!MC/Yuu: *Shows him a face*

Leona: *Jumps out of bed* What was that?!

IT!MC/Yuu: Leona, your nephew was looking for you and... *Covers Cheka's ears* I'm not good with children, if you know what I mean.

Cheka: Ojima! Penny gave me an animal balloon.

♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇ 🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇

[During the Stage in Playful Land ~Dancing Puppets and the Fantastical Theme Park~]

Grim: Why do I need to wear this stupid rain jacket? It smells weird.

IT!MC/Yuu: You’re part of my show. We have to give these folks some entertainment. Just act like an innocent little kid named Georgie.

Grim: Whose Georgie-

[Then the show starts.]

IT!MC/Yuu:

Allow me to introduce myself

They call me the dancing clown

And you must be Georgie

Did you hear my circus was in town?

It seems I have your boat here

The storm blew her off track

Just reach your hands down here and take it

If you really want it back

Oh, Georgie

You can trust me, sweet child

Step right this way

I'm at your service with a smile

Believe me

IT's nothing to fear

When I feast on your flesh

You'll see that we all float down...

Here!

Pick through the past you'll see

I'm living history

Come one come all

'Cause I'm starved for the kill

Prey on the pure at heart

Feed on their body parts

I've got some big fucking shoes to fill

Follow me and I'll show you the truth

Devastation as the dead lights defuse

Follow me and I'll show you the truth

Face down in the fountain of youth

Just like Georgie

IT's all out of hand

So join me

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Catch me at the big top

Buried underground

You know I'm not clowning around

Even with a smile

From ear to fucking ear

IT's everything you know

IT's everything you fear

A carnival of carnage

That much you assume

But it's more than just a costume and red balloons

IT's coming back around every 27 years

IT's everything you know

IT's everything you fear

So let go

You know what makes me smile?

Devoured juveniles

Their innards tangled in my twisted grin

Chuckled so hard I choked

Call it an inside joke

They say that laughter's the best medicine

Follow me and I'll show you the truth

Face down in the fountain of youth

Just like Georgie

IT's all out of hand

So join me

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Catch me at the big top

Buried underground

You know I'm not clowning around

Even with a smile

From ear to fucking ear

IT's everything you know

IT's everything you fear

A carnival of carnage

That much you assume

But it's more than just a costume and red balloons

IT's coming back around every 27 years

IT's everything you know

IT's everything you fear

So let go

IT is the end

IT's come again

Believe IT or not

You'll all disappear

IT cannot be fought

We all float down here

IT is the end

IT's come again

Believe IT or not

You'll all disappear

IT cannot be fought

We all float down here

IT is the end

IT's come again

Believe IT or not

You'll all disappear

IT cannot be fought

We all float down here

IT's come again

Believe IT or not

You'll all disappear

IT cannot be fought

We all float down here

Fellow Honest & Gidel: *Holding each other, shaking in fear*

IT!MC/Yuu: You scared of a little clown~? *Grins sinisterly*

♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇ 🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇🤡🎈♦︎◇

Malleus: I must say, you're truly are fearful for many.

IT!MC/Yuu: And you don't find me terrifying?

Malleus: I have not.

IT!MC/Yuu: ...You know, I can sense your fear is not having to make any friends outside of your domain because they seem to be frightened by your presence. And it has something to deal with your late mother.

Malleus: *Glares at them* In what sense are you speaking of? What knowledge you have of my family?

IT!MC/Yuu: *Shrugs* All I'm saying you should speak with your guardian. I'm just a clown from another world.

[Shit. IT!MC/Yuu entered the trope of "Enemies-to-Friends".]

✨[Reblogs helps creators and creates for more content]💫

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bas-writes · 7 months

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Trust Me

Character: Geto Suguru Reader: afab (aka reader with a vagina; no gendered pronouns, ambiguous body, word "cunt" used to describe genitalia) Word Count: 1.3k CWs: explicit nsfw content, pwp, vaginal sex, breath play/choking, size difference, power imbalance, implied mind break, open ending A/N: repost from failed kinktober attempt; unlike the other two this text I actually like so decided to not purge it from existence

“What are you doing?”

Geto’s hips stutter, then completely stop, and the haze around you thins out. The air is still sticky like tar; your chest heaves hard as you fight for each draft of it, trying to soothe the first pangs of exhaustion in your lungs. You’re not sure for how long you’ve struggled but your ecstasy-ridden brain is already balancing on the line of a complete black-out. No wonder you need a longer moment to even realize sex has stopped, then another one to focus your blurry vision on the face of your lover hovering right over yours. Limited air supply doesn’t help your case either—neither does the pressure cease in the slightest as seconds pass.

Geto smiles softly and grabs your wrist, “You’re suffocating yourself.”

He peels your hand off your face, you realize when you're finally able to breathe free again. Forced, hungry breath suddenly expands your lungs, and you start coughing, tears pricking in your eyes—from exertion and from the intense wave of embarrassment crashing over you. How could you miss the fact it was you who was cutting oxygen on you all this time?

Geto waits until you're finished, silent but clearly amused with the whole situation. He sits on heels, back straight, to give you more space—and better views. By this time his robe has completely slid down his back, revealing his toned, and adorned with dark hair, chest in its full glory. Still holding your wrist, he guides you to trace his collarbones and up, along his neck and jaw. Short and rough five o'clock shadow tickles your palm as he nuzzles his cheek into it, smirking down at your puzzled and messy state. He keeps smiling even when pressing a hot, wet kiss to the inner side of your wrist.

"Don't give me that look, love." With a free hand he reaches to wipe sweat off your forehead. "I wouldn't stop, if I knew what was going on."

You cough for the last time, your throat finally finding ease, "H-how bad did I—"

"You started getting pale."

You frown as your oxygen-starved brain struggles to put all the puzzles together. Well, you're not that unaware to never notice you like holding breath or pushing your face into pillows during sex. You just couldn't pinpoint when and how exactly it was happening—and couldn't grasp the difference between all those little moments and the situation from a minute ago. Why did he stop? Geto is not one to treat you in bed like a crystal. He dominates over you with ease, his charm drags out of you shadows and secrets you've been not aware of until he presents them to you on an open palm. He welcomes every new kink you discover thanks to him with irresistible enthusiasm; no, it wouldn't be in his style to withdraw once you put yourself on a set road.

So, were you in danger? Were you harming yourself?

Collecting your thoughts now, calmer and safer, you're sure you weren't. No, it felt good and not threatening by no means. Just: intense, intoxicating and, obviously, suffocating. You were fighting for breath for real, you struggled—but also enjoyed, you have to admit that.

"You've been doing this before but never that far." Geto explains, as if reading questions forming in your mind. "If I knew you would, I would play it differently."

He's close again, broad chest filling the space between the two of you with ease. It's not hard to feel small against a huge man like him, especially when pressed harder into the pillows, your knees pulled close to his chest. Dim candlelight dances with shadows on his face, once gentle and smiling, once dark and dangerous, full of intense, feral even, need. A mix you know well—a promise of the most exciting sensations.

When Geto places hand on your throat, you simply gasp with enthusiasm, your cunt spasming tight around him.

"If you want to continue with it, I don't mind." He answers you with a smirk, his voice soft like velvet, sharp like a katana. "But we're doing it on my terms."

The hold is adjusted—slightly, but you immediately feel the difference when he squeezes you just a little. Adrenaline and lust in your veins perk their hungry heads up at the pressure, blood rushes towards your head and starts filling your brain with a new dose of addictive haziness.

The sensation disappears as soon as it has appeared.

"Do you—" You start a question, cut short with a mewl when he ruts hips against you, his cock sliding deliciously deep into you.

"Of course it's not my first time." Geto leans close and kisses a stray droplet of sweat off your temple. "Wanna try again when the fire is still burning? You don't need much for a finish."

The hunger for the sensation is strong, you realize, when your mewls for more sound embarrassingly like pleading. Your lover looks down at you with adoration, warmth and love—and unsettling gleam beaming from his dark, almost black eyes.

"Here's the rule." Explaining patiently, he adjusts your position the way you don't sink anymore, instead firmly facing him. "If you feel like you're flying away, grab my arm. I will stop."

His big hand finds its way to your throat again. Your breath hitches at the lightest touch, anticipation giving you almost as much of adrenaline as suffocation.

"I'll be gentle…for now." Geto continues, rubbing thumb at the side of your neck soothingly. "Just a testing touch. I need to know you better from this side before I go a little crazy…"

He cuts the distance again, his hot breath grazing your cheek, then ear he nibbles on with sadistic precision, "All those sweet faces you make drive me insane. I might slip too hard, if I lose control…"

You're caught mid needy gasp, his hand grabbing you harder, again focusing pressure on points that immediately rush your blood towards the right places. Surprised, you jerk and twitch under him—a move he quickly crushes in the bud with his weight. In this position, he wouldn't have to squeeze your throat to choke you. Knees pressed to your chest, dull pain in tense thighs, and his chest bearing down on your ribs—he tears the air out of you just being between your legs, towering over you with sheer difference of size between you two. Even his presence is suffocating, forcing you to hold your breath back in awe and anticipation, in blind submission, one stronger than trust.

If he told you to keep your throat closed, you would listen, past your capability and safety.

"Breathe." Geto orders instead. And you listen, of course you do, such an obedient thing gazing into the darkness of his hungry eyes. You open your mouth, drool pooling at its corners, and gasp for air: truly a greedy, overzealous draft.

And then you realize. He still keeps the hold; two merciless fingers control the flow of blood as you struggle to fill your lungs with oxygen. Air squeezes past the little pressure at his palm but it can't relieve your mind, the most starved of it of all.

"Breathe. Keep breathing." Geto's voice turns sharper at the sight of hesitation in your eyes, but his smile doesn't fade. "Show me how pretty you are when you struggle."

You empty your lungs and try anew, harder, your throat constricting on your own doing, until the flow of air turns into desperate wheezing.

"Does it hurt?" The more you struggle, the softer his expression becomes, the softest you've seen in a while. "Does it hurt when you fill your lungs all you want but still can't breathe?"

Geto wipes drool from your chin, pushes fingers between your parted lips and deeper until you start gagging. Tortured throat squeezes tighter and keeps spasming even after he withdraws, as if you started drowning. It's bad, it's really bad, your consciousness starts slipping, flying… But hell, it's too good to stop. Too addictive to be enough. Too much and too little at the same time.

"I wonder," he muses, his gentle, kind face fading with your vision going blurry, "if this is why they call it a small death?"

#geto x reader #geto x y/n #geto x you #geto suguru x reader #suguru geto x reader #geto suguru x y/n #suguru geto x y/n #geto suguru x you #suguru geto x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #bas writes #jjk #geto suguru #sinful #afab reader

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torchwood-99 · 10 months

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So I first heard Rachel Zegler's comments about Snow White and thought, good, they're doing something different with the story. No point in their being a remake if they don't. And her growing into a leader? Makes sense. She's a princess, heir to the throne, she's been usurped by a tyrant, there's a whole untapped mine of drama there. And of course, she can be all this and still fall in love and be ladylike and elegant, where does it say she won't?

But you know what? Why the fuck should she? All these people throwing a tantrum that "women aren't allowed to be feminine and strong anymore" and I have to laugh because what, did they think that 2015 Cinderella wasn't "feminine"? Or Belle or Ariel? That they weren't elegant and gracious and beautiful and very much fitting in with gender norms? They had some grit, they had dreams outside marriage and love as well as beyond, but they were far from GNC.

So to eff with it. Snow White has been a servant for a good chunk of her life, she's been mistreated and she hasn't been taken etiquette lessons. Let her spit. Let her get dirty. Let her be rough and vulgar and ready to get dirty and rough house for the sake of it. Let her do that because it's fun and it suits her and it's part of who she is, not because she want to be like the "boys" and girls like her just want to be NLOGs, but because that stuff is just what she likes. Let's have a princess who takes what the world tells her is "feminine" and stamp on it.

If people are going to get into a hissy fit about female characters not being allowed to be "feminine" anymore, let's give them something to really piss them off. They'll see how good they have it. Right now, Eloise Bridgerton in her bows and her desire for basic autonomy is pushing the boat too much. Princess Peach in a bright pink jumpsuit is butch. Daenerys Targaryen and Arya Stark have "male privilege" because they are warriors and leaders and don't engage in traditionally high class "feminine" pass times. I think these viewers need to see a female character who is all the things they fear, and realise just how narrow and limited their view of women and "femininity" is.

And it's really telling that all Rachel is saying here is that Snow White is going to be thinking on things other than romance, is going to rely on herself instead of her true love alone, that she's going to be thinking about herself as a leader and a ruler, and fans took that as "Oh why can't Snow White be feminine anymore? Why can't a character be feminine and strong!?!"

No one was talking about Snow White's femininity, just her role as a leader and her gaining some proactivity. That's her strength, there. But the mention of it has you saying that she's not being allowed to be feminine. And you're upset that women can't be "feminine" and can't be "strong" at the same time. But you're worried that in being a leader and being proactive means that Snow White is no longer "feminine".

If that's what you're saying, then the only people saying that women can't be "feminine" and can't be "strong" are in fact, you.

And you know what, a live action princess who is rough and reckless, properly dirty and uninterested in how she looks, who never gets a glow up, isn't a "secretly/wild beauty" type, who gets to get rowdy and not have this held up as her somehow rejecting being a woman, but just a person being true to herself, would be really bloody brilliant. Brilliant for the little girls at home, who get to see there are options for them, brilliant to watch on screen and brilliant to follow on a journey. And you don't want to watch a character like that? You want someone who wears dresses and wants romance and fits in with "feminine ideals". Go ahead. You'll see that you have plenty of options.

#Snow White #Rachel Zegler #ASOIAF #Arya Stark #Daenerys Targaryen #Eloise Bridgerton #GNC #NLOG #Bridgerton #Princess Peach

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buttercuparry · 1 year

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I wonder if those who outrage against "masculinized" female characters ever stop to consider that the more our society is progressing, we are moving further away from the concept of gender roles. And that what you are into and what you do is actually a personal quirk and not something that classifies you.

I mean the manliest heterosexual cis man to have ever manned can find embroidery soothing. Like his love language can be gifting his friends pretty embroidered things. It is not a question of his capacity to be "feminine"...it is a question of talent and passion.

I think when fandom characterizes Arya as this masculine coded violent girl- they just can't fathom that a young girl can ever have any other interests than those who came before her. But if it is all about aesthetics, how come Arya cooing over babies, her collecting flowers, her scrubbing floors, prepping meals etc are not considered part of it?

Here is the thing though, gushing over babies is not something that's limited to the female. Samwell ( I know I use him as an example a lot) sang lullabies to his baby brother. He loved this particular nightly ritual till his father thought it "soft" and put an end to it. Soothing babies is not being soft, it's providing them with the emotional care they need. And the only reason it seemed freakish to Randyll Tarly is because this care was being provided by his son. And that's bullshit.

I also think the matter of this supposed criticism resides in part with stereotypes of sexuality. I mean the most tradfem of the characters is headcanoned to have one hundred and one children. While a mother who lost her son in womb is deemed to forever remain infertile. Like I know Dany was cursed by Mirri Maz Duur but this is a fantasy series! Anything can happen. And even if one claims this to be a personal view on the text, linking infertility to her supposed madness is not it.

I feel like there was this checklist going on where they have stuff like: do male characters lust after these women, do these characters dress up prettily, are they attracted to men- if so then they are the definition of feminine. When unfortunately Dany passed all of these ( even the one with many gross male characters almost wanting to prey on her)- they went with the infertility- madness thing.

They can't do this with Brienne because I think Grrm has made it impossible to do so with her. She actively tried to participate in the role subscribed to her but was made fun of by those around her. So she took to knighthood. It has been abundantly made clear that she loved Renly and there is this weird push and pull between her and Jaime. And it's weird how much the scale of femininity lies not with the characters, but in the kind of association this character has with a man. And Jaime is one of the most "desireable" man of Asoiaf. Brienne not being in the way of the one who they think is embodiment of the feminine helps too I guess.

I think this is what stumps them about Arya. It doesn't matter how much she says: the woman is important too. How much she whines when people call her a boy. To them it is all about aesthetics. They go: is she wearing pretty dresses? And they answer is: her dresses are muddy because she runs around in it just as a child would do. They go: okay does she like wearing them- the answer is she never complained before. Only perhaps during her whole riverland arc because she thinks it is impractical. And to them these immediately translate into- but! But!! Sansa was said to be a lady at three. She never thought to go against that which was prescribed to her!! Demureness and subservience is what is feminine!! And also dresses, songs, dancing, embroidery are absolutely hated by Arya because these represent traditional femininity and she has internalized misogyny so she would rather fence and horse ride and wear pants as they symbolize her affinity to the masculine.

They are so so obsessed with a particular kind of beauty and if it is all soft and demure. And of course how it appeals to the male gaze ( all those edits about how beautifully sansa suffers) . Arya is targeted because she in the text is set up against someone who can be whitewashed into their idea of the feminine. Which is why there is this repeated conjecture and criticism of fancasts because how can Arya look like that ? She is afterall called horsefaced (doesn't matter if it's done by bullies) and there is nothing feminine about her ( she is too rebellious)!

This again brings in the case of Lyanna. Right now the fandom is fawning over Elia but there was a time when the most common theory was Arya inherited Lyanna's willfulness while Sansa has her aunt's beauty and femininity. Even now in bits and pieces I get to see this take because how can someone fight over one who looks like Arya.

And what does Arya look like? A pre-pubescent child. Because she is one. And with all the trying to stay alive while disguised as a boy: yeah I think personal grooming wasn't the first thing that was on her mind back then. But all these somehow reinforces her masculinity. Her having no option and turning up to the HoBaW and having to play by their rules somehow does the same. And I think last of all this is what forms the crux of it.

Arya's storyline is her own. She hasn't yet been to a place where her themes can get intertwined with a male character. Up until now her story provides a commentary that is purely her own, independent of any man. And I say this because I know how GoT was written, I see what is happening with Rhaenyra and Alicent in HoTD. I feel like in asoiaf fandom the trend is that themes discussed about women characters often end up being more about their male ship partners. Or they are completely removed from any significant action- and moved as passive pieces across the storyboard in a way that would best glorify or vilify a man.

So here is a female character who is on a journey that is solely her own. It cannot be twisted into anything relating to any man. And I think this at a subconscious level feels peculiar to them. Which is why show!Arya got butchered because to D&d Arya's rebellion got translated into " I want to be one of the boys".

And I think this is why there is also this urge to headcanon her as someone who won't be interested in romance. They don't see her admiring Gendry when he is working, the sensuality of her interaction with Jaqen in the bath house ( i know it's creepy. Grrm at times makes me want to side eye him), that Jon literally compares Ygritte to Arya. Romance to them looks unnatural on anyone who is not playing by "norms".

#arya stark

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mueritos · 2 years

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did it take time to get used to seeing yourself as a man. like i feel like there's a difference between like knowing you're a man and actually seeing yourself as one like as same as a cis man gender wise or maybe that's just me because i am not out irl just yet. i was wondering if this is something others struggle with too

I'm honestly not really sure, mostly because I don't really view myself AS a man! I'm a nonbinary transman, and even though I do use he/him pronouns, Ive never felt like my masculinity was tied down to manhood. I find manhood restrictive, and Ive always found it easier to approach gender by what makes you feel happiest. There were times where I was aching and dying over the thought that many people we not seeing me for who I truly was, but I have to be honest, as a trans person, you just have to get used to it and find ways to manage with that disapointment, but to also find support systems and communities where you know your identity and self will never be questioned. The first step to seeing yourself and accepting yourself is to try to be a little bit more of that self every day. Hiding yourself, limiting yourself, and talking down on yourself are sure ways to get you to stay in the cycle of "am i passing, no one will ever see me for __, why do i even try". I genuinely mean it; focus on yourself, take care of your body and mind, keep urself safe, and build community. itll all fall into place before u know it.

best of luck!

#muertoresponds

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joy-haver · 2 years

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Happy national coming out day. Here’s my queerness update/inventory for the year.

Call it what you want, I’m datin like half of y’all anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️(I wrote this to send to my friends. The joke isn’t true of my tumble but fuck it, I’m keeping it in)

Gender feelings:

contextual. Complicated. Like a tradwife in a nonbinary way. Like a young boy on his first hunt. Like a grandmother on a porch. Like a grandfather telling stories. Like a mother, mothering. Like a father, failing and righteous. Like an aunt, not an uncle, I don’t know why. Like a priestess, but the kind you go to for wisdom. Like a healer. Like a 13th century farm wife to a roving herdsman. Genders that don’t exist in our social context. Genders that have never existed.

Gender presentations:

Usually very femme, I wear corsetts and skirts and dresses and have long hair. But I tend to pull masculine elements into it, and I don’t despise the masculine aspect of my being. Other times, shorts and a tshirt 🤷🏻‍♀️.

And I’m fat, which can be degendering or hyper gendering, depending. at this point I’m not sure what I pass as and how often and to who.

Biological sex:

As far as I’m aware, i am perisex, meaning I have no intersex conditions. (no notable or medicalized congenital [from birth] variations in my sexual characteristics (limited definition))

I have, however been on HRT for nearly 5 years. My hrt journey has been rather unique, and far different than anyone I’ve ever encountered. I’m not consistently on progesterone or antiandrgens, and I’ve stopped Estrogen twice for a few months due to shortages.

I have had no relevant surgeries.

I also had an abnormal initial puberty, and some weird stuff with that.

So I think it’s safe to say I’m no longer sufficiently “male”, but not quite anything else that’s defined. Which is nice.

(A)Sexuality:

contextual. Long periods of no sexual attraction being my baseline, and moderate periods where my baseline is sexual attraction. But there’s always veriation in the form of little peaks and hills and apparitions. It seems very tied to both my hormones and my bipolar disorder

Sexual attraction:

Idk y’all every time I define it I’m proved wrong. However, I can say that I find that it grows out of mutual desire, availability, accessibility, and a feeling of equality in a relationship. I like a verity of human bodies. But, I find myself incapable of more than fleeting sexual attraction to those I have power over (whether real power or perceived).

Romantic attraction: constantly, but differently than most folks. I’m attracted, first and foremost, to Earnest people. A variety of people. People who look like they know themselves well. People who don’t put me on a pedestal. People who love to grow. People who believe in harm reduction/prison abolition. People with strong values. But ultimately, I view romance as an activity you do, either with someone or about them, that produces certain feelings and realities of intimacy, and closeness, and soul sharing. To me, romance is the act of tying one’s souls together

Polyamory:

Goodness. I’m a relationship anarchist. I think I’ve taken that ideology and made it my own in many ways. It’s quite a bit more anarchistic, and spiritual? And religious? To me nowadays. It’s almost hard to define myself as polyamorous anymore, just because of how far removed I am from that framework due to the flexibility of my relationships.

What it means to me to be queer:

I’ve tried to answer with nuance and complexity in categories of gender, sexual attraction, aceness, sex, etc. i definitely could write like 20-25 pages minimum on each, but my hands are tired and I’m sure you are tired of reading.

But in reality, the most important aspect of my queerness is this: I seek to be in good community. With everyone, and everything, and every idea, In every singe way that I can.

I seek to undermine and outgrow all systems of harm and oppression. I seek to live freely, for the benefit of all people. I seek to meet my needs, for myself, and so that I can meet the needs of community.

That is queerness.

To be queer is not to be ace, trans, gay, intersex or polyamorous, or whatever identity. Not on it’s own, and not exclusively. To be queer is to live in earnest community, and plan for the future.

Because, what it means to not be queer in our society, to be normal, is that one is abiding by systems of domination. To live the prescribed life you have been given is to act in reaction, and to neglect the needs of all humanity, and all life on earth.

I don’t mean that if you are straight and cis and het and allo and perisex and monogamous that you are the enemy of the people. What I do mean is that if you live prescriptively by what our system has told you those mean, if you refuse to queer them, you are the enemy of the people.

And so,

to be queer is to be against the state.

To be queer is to LIVE against the state.

To be queer is to be in active,

good relations with all things,

and to purposefully undue the harms caused by empire, eugenics, domination, and white supremacy.

Happy coming out day, may your queerness grow every day, and every year.

#text post #coming out day #asexual #lesbian #trans #polyamory #relationship anarchy #queerness

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shirogane-oushirou · 8 months

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🩷,💌, and 🎁 for the emoji asks? :D

tysm caitie for the ask!!! ☺✨💕

gonna go for a change of pace and talk about my main man oushirou, my beloved freak of almost 15 years. gives him a little kissy. mwah.

🩷 for a headcanon about f/o.

the desire to seem non-threatening is what got him to start experimenting with things like his looks and his weird-funny-guy personality... then he crossdressed for the Funnies once and realized it was fun, actually... then he started being a little more flamboyant because it came naturally to him... and this was all in the gender-rigid environment of the all-boys-except-tsukiko seigetsu academy.

so as soon as he graduates to go to college, get an internship, enter the journalism field, travel all over the world... he realizes how even HIS view of the limits of expression are... well... limited. he feels more free to try new things, wear bold patterns, paint his nails, do his hair in even more interesting styles. as he learns new languages he also learns all new ways to describe gender and expression and sexuality. in the end, he realizes doesn't really need defined labels; he's simply oushirou, and he's going to look beautiful and handsome and charming and sexy and flirty for anyone and everyone who's willing to give him their time.

when he shows up at the 10 year seigetsu reunion, wearing a zebra stripe suit with polkadot tie, red aviators, black nails, and an intricately styled hair-do, it catches everyone a little off guard... but they quickly lean into the bold changes when they see just how much more comfortable and self-assured he seems.

(tl;dr: i hc him as genderqueer and pansexual lol. and he has a VERY nonbiney fashion sense ksjnkjnsf which is canon but like. they didn't INTEND for it to be typical nonbinary fashion, they just wanted him to be a little weirdo man. no, sorry, i'm The Oushirou Guy (tm) and i declare he's Gender.)

💌 for a snippet of a conversation we had.

(ngl i'm extremely brain empty, so i'm actually going repurpose and rewrite part of a prompt i did in... uh... 2012????? jfc i'm a selfshipping grandpa.)

“Kehe! What, are you afraid to show a bit of leg, sweetheart? You know I’ve already seen them before right?”

The door closes, and the red-head strides over to the bed and, with a grunt, plops himself down where Ro’s feet end under the covers.

“Doesn’t mean you just get to see 'em for free, you know! B'sides, if I ran around half-naked all the time I don't think it'd stay entertaining for long.”

“Oh, you doubt the power of a true pervert? Kuhihi~”

He begins to move, and Ro closes their eyes and tenses, preparing for the usual onslaught of wriggling fingers and wet, sloppy, gross kisses...

The weight on the bed shifts, and two warm arms wrap around their waist.

A quick kiss at the corner of their eye.

“…Did you get a lot of work done?”

Their shoulders relax, and a sigh escapes them as they look up into his face, much closer now than it was before. “Enough…I guess. It’s hard to say at this point.” The work of a freelancer is never done, after all.

“So then,” his hands slowly, gently travel up and down their arms, “how about a nice, relaxing, eight-to-ten-hour sleep break with me, hmm?” He moves his head to the crook of their neck, nuzzling into it. Ro brings one hand to his long hair and begins running their fingers through, the other rubbing his shoulders and back. “Just you, me, and this big ol’ comfy bed. Ah, and your pants-less legs, of course~!” He grins against their neck.

“As long as you don’t look at them, mister.”

“Oh c'mooooon, don’t pull the ‘mister’ thing on me right before bed! It makes me feel so oooold and formal. You’re so mean, sir.” He looks up from his comfortable neck-crook long enough to wipe a fake tear from his eye and pout at their serious face.

A few seconds pass, the two staring intensely at each other, before Ro huffs and breaks into a small smile. They lean forward and give Oushirou a light peck on the lips, and as they lean back to lie on the bed, his lips eagerly follow theirs, wanting more.

🎁 for a gift f/o has given s/i (or vice versa).

he travels all the time, all over the world, so he tries to bring back little trinkets from all of the places he's been. just tiny painted keepsakes. i keep them displayed on a shelf as a reminder of just how much he's been able to do, how far he's been able to go, and how many people he's met.

and while bringing back cooked food with him would be... difficult, he does sometimes bring back interesting recipes from those who are willing to share. when we meet up again, he buys some ingredients, borrows the kitchen, and cooks something to allow me to experience a small taste of the places he went to.

#man... looking back at my short-lived oushirou wife blog is so strange. i was writing prompts as far back as 11 years ago. wild.#i really should repurpose / rewrite some of these and post them here sometime. i have to change pronouns and names and whatnot...#and just update the writing style in general... but it'd be nice to have everything /here/.#(also my very first posts about oushirou-zombie-au-that-would-become-my-oc-mars aughhh so nostalgic. mars has come so far.)#📌 [ my posts. ]#[ asks. ]#📷 [ phantom hearts. ]#🐐 [ been up all night. ]#[ need to draw. ]#⭐ [ canon lore. ]#[ oomfies ; caitie. ]

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starlightrosari · 8 months

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Reassessing transition: Do I want to go on Testosterone?

I’ve been thinking on this a lot and feel kind of strange about it because while I do have dysphoria, I don’t have an overwhelming sense of dread for my appearance. However, I am a nonbinary boy who wishes to look androgynous in a way akin to androgynous men (think vampires and elves, or for more human examples, androgynous male models or celebs and emo boys). I often feel limited in how I’m able to look because I can’t be androgynous in the way I wish for being a petite AFAB person and it holds me back a lot on feeling comfortable embracing my masculinity because I feel like no matter what I do, I look to some extent like a girl.

Section 1: Dysphoria as a feeling

I would describe my dysphoria as more being saddened at times by the way I look being overly feminine to a female appearing degree when I want to be androgynous masc leaning in appearance. I get upset when I’m dressed very typically masculine and still don’t look how I want, knowing it’s because I’m limited in how to achieve that because of my petite body and young feminine appearance. I get jealous of people who can be both masculine and feminine and not look like women, and as much as I tell myself “clothes don’t have a gender” or “androgyny shouldn’t be based on AGAB,” I still can’t shake the dissatisfaction of how I look compared to others. Sometimes it can mean almost crying staring at myself or being in a space where I’m aware of others perceiving me and look around being surrounded by androgynous male leaning appearing people who I wish I looked more like. Other times I get dressed fem anyways and then feel really uncomfortable about my body being so apparent and feminine and don’t want that attention on me, feeling like I look even smaller than I already am and that my curves are overly visible in a way that’s too female appearing that it’s not androgynous anymore, so I change into something else or just bare with the minor annoyance of dysphoria because I don’t want to sacrifice style for comfort when I probably don’t pass no matter what anyways. It’s upsetting if I think too hard on it but I’m sort of numb to how prevalent this feeling is because I’ve always had it and dealt with it by just looking cool enough that it didn’t matter that much as the alternative of hyper-fixating on how I should look sometimes makes it worse. That was how I coped with it growing up with a poor view of myself that I could never look right as a girl or as a boy. Because of this, when I acknowledge how I actually want to look or the parts of my body that bother me, although it’s obviously dysphoria, it doesn’t make me feel much of anything, just minor annoyance, discomfort, sadness, and a feeling of wishing I could look the way I always wished to be.

Section 2: My dysphoria

So I’ve explained how my dysphoria feels and vaguely what it is, but how about specifics? What feels wrong? Well, for starters, I have always loathed my tiny skinny arms hands and shoulders, wishing desperately that they could be bigger, partially because it’s an inconvenience stylistically (for example, I have really skinny fingers and wrists that make jewelry shopping difficult), but also because I just don’t want to be so small and feel dysphoric seeing my tiny arms. My height is another thing that I absolutely hated growing up, being triggered by how behind I was from everyone else and how overall young I look being petite and only 5’ tall, also worrying this is a big deterrent from me ever appearing masculine (so much so I repressed that I felt trans for most my life even though I’d have thoughts along the lines of being trans through most of it). I worked on this a bit in Highschool when I realized it would never change, and that even if I were a girl I’d still be bothered by this because it’s annoying for anyone, but it’s still difficult at times. Another thing is my feet. I hate how my feet look and how skinny and small they are, same with my toes. I try to keep socks on and not wear sandals to help this, and when I was young I always got uncomfortable comments about how tiny my feet were and would purposefully sit in a way that would hide them even though it was uncomfortable. It’s also annoying because my tiny feet and ankles and calfs make it hard to buy cool shoes. And I have huge thighs that sometimes bother me, and then below the knee is skinny when I wish at least that my legs were pencil shaped. My small waist is something I feel mixed emotions about. On one hand it’s kind of cool to have a unique feature on my body, and it can be hidden underneath shirts anyways, but then it also makes me really uncomfortable having it exposed. I feel similar about my hips. It’s cool my hips even out my body features a little but I don’t want them super visible, though I’m grateful to have them at the small size I do because they’re not so noticeable but they also make my big thighs appear slightly slimmer. My torso in general is really thin when I want it to be more square shaped. My voice sometimes bothers me too, more than I think even realize. Like, I don’t like hearing my voice back in recordings, and I don’t like repeating sentences because it makes me aware of how I sound. I feel annoyed that hard of hearing people can’t hear feminine voices as well as masculine ones because I hate shouting and hearing the sound of my voice so loudly, and I also internally think of my voice as androgynous so it’s frustrating realizing it’s not. I also hate when I subconsciously raise the pitch of my voice to seem more approachable to other people because it’s not how I want to sound. I also have mixed feelings about my face because I like the shape of it and my bone structure and big nose, but I wish it didn’t have such feminine fat and stretch to the skin, and I wish my jaw were more prominent and in general that my features were less round and more angular. And then there’s an area of my body I try to not ever think about that I hate, I have bottom dysphoria. I hate the function of that area, and how it genders me as belonging to women’s space. It always felt icky to me and I feel major dysphoria if being asked by a doctor about my fertility/sex life or about my period. I have an irregular period but when I get cramps and bloated and bleed, I feel so miserable and too embarrassed to tell anyone, and I hate thinking about how people in the house probably can see someone is on their cycle and know it’s me. My chest normally doesn’t bother me that much because I’m small but I wish I could have a flat chest and sometimes feel like my chest is just another obvious indicator of my assigned sex at birth that I don’t want to be referred by or seen as.

Section 3: Transition goals

Transition is complicated because I want to look like an androgynous boy, but not male. I want the effects of a deep voice, but still in the androgynous range. I want to get taller, which I doubt would happen but I’d be really happy if it did. I would be a lot happier with my skinny small body if it were more angular and masculine, with a wider torso and broader shoulders. I want my feet and hands to get bigger. I want my face to mature in a more masculine way. I want an atoms apple. I want bottom growth. I want my periods to stop, and to be infertile. I want fat redistribution to move fat away from my thighs, chest, and butt and distribute it in a more muscular male appearance. I want the curvature of a masculine frame that’s more stoic and angular, and to not be so overwhelmingly circle, pear, and curve shaped like women are. I want to wear makeup and pretty clothes and feel like I look like a pretty boy in it, not having to feel dysphoric for a way of expressing my style that I enjoy. I want to be non-normative in my appearance, feminine and glam or soft and masculine, but underneath all the styling have a boy base for my body that I much rather have than the feminine base that makes me uncomfortable in feminine clothing because I want to look like I boy in it.

Section 4: Doubts

I’ve explored what I want and how I feel dysphoric, even linking back to feelings that have been with me since childhood, and I understand how I feel limited in these goals without transitioning, but there’s still some things I haven’t quite figured out if I’d be okay with about transition. Since I want to be androgynous and T is geared towards masculinizing people to a male appearance, I worry some of the effects may not come across as androgynous as I hope for. I am very small and petite, and my features reflect that through the delicateness of my skin and bones and lack of muscle, and my hope is that T would masculinize this in an androgynous way that I’d be really happy with, where I look between male and female, masculine yet androgynous. I’ve felt this way since before I even fully came out to myself as trans or even was questioning my gender fully, and often envied how T effected people who were petite like me pre T. So I’m not nervous about the body and face changes, in fact I feel like those are what I want most out of T and am confident I’ve been really bothered by these things without it my whole life, wishing to be more androgynous. And I know I want the bottom growth because that was the first obvious dysphoria I had since I was a kid, and however strange it might be I feel like it will feel more right, as I always wished I had something different than I’ve been given. Any amount of doubt I sometimes have about this is more societally based, like concerns over if pants will be harder to find or if people will find my body strange or if I’ll still feel uncomfortable with my naked body. I also worry about if the hair increases will look strange on me, or if I’ll feel weird growing facial hair because “fems aren’t supposed to have hair.” I feel like on my own, I don’t think it’s weird to be hairy and have facial hair, even with me being small and androgynous, but the idea of other people seeing it makes me nervous. The voice change makes me nervous too because I don’t want my voice to get too deep and I love singing and don’t want to lose the ability to sing. I also feel like I’m supposed to want everything and feel terrible in my body because that’s what I see so many people say but I don’t want every effect and feel invalid for that. I feel like I’m supposed to know 100% that I’ll love every change of transition, and I don’t think I can know that to be honest. Though my body gives me dysphoria, the idea of changing it however fascinating it may be also is scary to me, and it’s a big decision that I’d like to feel more strong feelings about before deciding on it, as well as more good about the secondary sex characteristic changes I’ll get. I think it’s okay to not want so much of the hair changes, I can just be a guy who shaves, and I don’t mind so much being hairy on my body even if I would prefer not to be, it doesn’t feel like I’d feel wrong about having that change, it’s mostly just I don’t know how I’d feel with the facial hair, and I don’t want to feel ugly or not like myself. I think there’s just a lot of work I need to do to understand myself better, because I know I’ve felt immense jealousy over guys deep voices, flat chests, facial hair, and hell, even body hair sometimes, yet these are all the aspects of transition I’m least sure about.

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diivinidad · 9 months

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Names: Akira and Tamiko Ootsuka Alias: Leraje ( Akira ), Dantalion ( Tamiko ) Affiliations: Shie Hassaikai ( former ), Phantom Casino Age: 32 ( both, as they are twins ) Gender: Genderfluid ( Akira ), Demigirl ( Tamiko ) Orientation: Pansexual ( Akira ), Lesbian ( Tamiko ) Occupation: Yakuza ( both; former ), Villain ( both ), Phantom Casino bartender ( Akira ), Phantom Casino entertainer ( Tamiko ) Height: 5'8" ( Akira ), 5'3" ( Tamiko ) Weight: 132 lbs. ( Akira ), 126 lbs. ( Tamiko ) Hair: Akira has long purple hair that reaches her hips, though her true hair color is red. Tamiko has red hair of the same length. Eyes: Both twins have very vibrant red eyes Mother: unknown Father: unknown Siblings: None, other than each other Significant Other(s): verse dependent Diagnosed Disorder(s): tba Undiagnosed Disorder(s): tba Personality: Akira and Tamiko are both very eccentric women. They both have a keen interest in the fine arts and they are both highly skilled actors. They use these skills primarily in luring their marks with various acts, playing parts ranging from interested potential lovers to damsels in distress. Regardless of the act, the end goal is for one or both sisters to be brought to the target's home, where they will then kill the target and stage it as a suicide, and if required for the mission/assignment, take whatever is necessary ( i.e. info, valuables, etc. ) Akira's Quirk: warmonger

Warmonger is a quirk that incites intense anger and belligerence among those within a 10 meter ( roughly 33 feet ) radius.

Anyone within that radius effectively goes into a frenzy and attacks anyone nearby.

Akira risks being attacked by her frenzied victims when her quirk is activated, and thus must either fight back or activate her quirk when she is hidden from view.

The effect ends only when her quirk is deactivated forcibly or voluntarily ( i.e. being knocked out or deactivating her quirk of her own will ) or when the victims leave the 10 meter radius from Akira.

Tamiko's Quirk: captivation

Captivation is a quirk that causes anyone that makes eye contact with the user to allow their thoughts to be heard and even altered by the user.

The effect lasts for a full hour and has no limit as to how many people can be affected. However, hearing the thoughts of multiple people at a time can be very overwhelming, causing intense migraines and restlessness and irritability.

The effect is also involuntary, so Tamiko makes it a point to never look someone in the eye unless she absolutely wants to hear and/or alter their thoughts.

Because of this, her performances at the casino always feature her blindfolded.

Overview: The twins were orphaned before they could even remember anything and sent to an orphanage. The two remained there until age 18, when they were cast out like all the orphans who went without adoptions until 18 in order to have less mouths to feed. Now homeless, the girls were left to fend for themselves and survive through any means necessary. They decided to put their quirks to use, Tamiko willing people into giving them what they needed and Akira inciting brawls between people who would dare resist and oppose them. Within the year they fell in with the Shie Hassaikai, and they stuck with the group until they turned 28. After Pops was incapacitated, Akira accused Overhaul of the deed and created a feud. To avoid being killed, Tamiko convinced Akira that they needed to flee, and so they did. However, in their escape, they ran to the Phantom Casino in order to hide, and ended up under the care of the staff until the danger passed. In exchange, the girls offered their services as staff members, Akira offering her knowledge of bartending gained from their yakuza days and Tamiko her skills in dance and acrobatics as an entertainer. The two still currently hold those jobs in the casino.

#AKIRA OOTSUKA / from the ashes of hate; it's a cruel demon's fate #TAMIKO OOTSUKA / i'll surely go on to wander a desert of words #info post.#long post.#ask to tag.

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lunarsilkscreen · 10 months

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Neurodivergence and Fitting In

Look, I keep seeing videos trying to explain "neurodivergence" as the reason they're not fitting in with the crowd.

I've said before "there's no such thing as neurotypicality" but there IS such a thing as "the good ol' Boy club". This club is basically the cool guys, the in crowd, the clique. Whatever. They exist everywhere, even in Neurodivergent groups.

Colorblind people exist and make a significant portion of the population. Being colorblind makes them unfit for foraging. But people without that limitation are the best at discerning minutiae that can kill you.

I think this might be partially the origin of the "two spirit". Some people can do one thing or the other that is gendered, but others can do both. That doesn't mean those things should've been gendered nor do they indicate a person's gender.

At school I was taught "Men hunt, women gather". This is what I mean by that. "No never trust Dave not to pick the berries that give everybody diarrhea. He thinks he's picking the cranberries, but they are never cranberries."

"Fitting In" is a social hierarchy, people good at the skill of being social, or even social manipulation excel at this. While people who do less of that and more work are more prone to being nitpicked.

A scale of work big enough is ripe for being picked through for every single missed thing. Especially if higher management starts acting like you need to do more work.

This isn't neurodivergence. Because it starts from a place of discrimination. It starts with how you look that's different from others, may extend to actions, and then "who am I not friends with?"

And that's why, in the military, there are regulations banning "fraternization". Especially between officers and enlisted. Because if you start preferring certain workers over others based on who you're friends with, you lose the ability to keep an objective view of those people.

"At the top you have no friends."

Because of that loss of objectivity, you can run the risk of promoting people less deserving, and overlooking those more deaerving.

In the military, the officers tend to rate other officers and leave enlisted to rate enlisted. Which makes it a bit more muddled. The closer you work with somebody, the more likely you are to know more than you should. And familiarity breeds contempt.

If you go golfing with a buddy from work every weekend, and you pass them up for promotion, but they think they deserved it. Now you've lost a buddy.

Or, what if you pass up somebody more deserving because you go golfing every Saturday with that guy?

In the business world, it's pretty acceptable to grease elbows this way. In fact, that's one of the "big tips" on getting jobs or promotions, becoming friends with somebody higher up.

Basically, an attack on their objectivity, and that can work out, or backfire incredibly. That's another reason why we have etiquette and professional behavior guidelines. To avoid hurting that objectivity, because a loss of objectivity is bad for business.

This isn't a neurotypicality thing. Etiquette was created because we think and act differently, and the guides help us get on the same page.

Blurring those lines simply makes the person who stands out a bigger target.

Like the tallest guy of an opposing army. The archers have a pool on who hits him first.

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dimdiamond · 11 months

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tbh I feel cynical as well about the Barbie movie because of the level of brand marketing that this has been able to do and present some watered down 'feminist' idea packaged in commercialism, enabling more films like this already being set up because of companies like Mattel. I feel weird, because these are two tentpole films that I feel just REALLY iffy about in different ways and I don't like it. but it's always like...being asked which one you would see. neither thanks. them and their popularity don't feel right. it's either pink brand feminist marketing film vs tortured white guy making a bomb that doesn't feature Jewish actors film made by a white guy. neither of them feel remotely appealing to me.

I completely understand your feelings on them. I do. They're feelings I have for years for Hollywood movies and shows etc. They want to sell hot topics in a marketable neat package following "aesthetic" moodboards instead of actually putting in the centre of the scene the real issue and make a decent criticism.

But I can't expect the perfect representation and the perfect movie that talks about an issue in a perfect way. Frankly, I want people to use market and trends to talk about things that matter. People MUST use any mean to show their truth. Even with the restrictions and exclusions and whatever limitations producers and companies apply on their media, people will still find a creative way to pass their message and I believe for these people it's worth watching them.

You feel weird supporting projects like that? Good. That doesn't mean you have to guilt rip yourself and you can watch them with a way of not giving them your money. You don't want to watch them? Great. You should not feel forced to do so. Honestly there are many other movies you can watch and support (indie productions for example but you probably know them better than me).

Regarding these two movies I feel more comfortable with watching and supporting Barbie than Oppenheimer. One reason is because the first looks fun but the biggest reason is that Barbie feels genuine, like an honest effort to talk about feminism and more, even if it's in a more marketable package baiting you with nostalgia of your childhood. But even the audience it targets it's not the usual, it's for girls and now women who played with them, who got through the girlhood and its struggles and what society demands on them. And that's why it can resonate with anyone, regardless gender and sex, because it talks about patriarchy from the perspective of the "victim". I have my doubts about Greta's view of feminism in general but I do think it's worth to be shown because, honestly, how many big budget movies will talk about this issue? And if more movies like them are made then that's good, we can talk about this issue more instead of ignoring it.

But Oppenheimer? For who is Oppenheimer? It talks about nuclear weapons and the danger of science and what is humanity from the perspective of whom? The one who caused it? And it's not like we should not tell stories from this perspective but what does it mean when it's in a big budget movie of Hollywood? We already see the message of "necessary evil" from the trailer and I honestly felt uncomfortable watching it , especially knowing that it wasn't even a necessary evil story in reality.

Now I don't want to be unfair for those that worked in these movies and whoever is eager to watch them or already likes them but maybe we should consider what it means talking about violence and other issues and from which side of the matter. Especially when we're talking about movies that will be marketed and distributed to most of the world. Especially when they are marketed in a certain way and in the end we have to ask if they were honest to that.

In the end I believe that if even one person watches a movie and makes them question and see a side they never considered then it worths it, even if one reason that was made was to advertise a doll company.

#btw i am not lecturing you or anything #i totally understand your point and i am with you #these are just some of my thoughts on this matter #sorry for not being clear or comprehensive enough it's more of my blabbering #and i am not that knowledgeable or the right person to talk about these things #but yes i feel very uncomfortable with oppenheimer #thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!#the barbie movie #oppenheimer

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euphoriaonpluto · 3 years

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Queer Representation

Alright let's talk about Loki and Good Omens.

Before anyone tries anything, I am going to state upfront that I am a biromantic asexual. So keep that in mind before you automatically take what I want to say in bad faith and go to accuse me of bigotry.

I want to talk about how the only ones benefitting from the way we handle queer rep discourse right now are the queerphobic networks and execs.

First, let's look at Loki. The MCU's first canonically queer character. Since episode 4 came out yesterday, I have seen multiple accusations go around of people who are upset about the hinted romance between Loki and Sylvie being biphobic. Bi people are allowed to date people of the opposite gender, you say. And of course they are. But you are purposefully missing the whole point of why people are upset.

The MCU is a 13 year old franchise and Loki is the first time they are actively acknowledging the existance of queer people. This, despite how infuriating it is, is pretty par for the course when it comes to fantasy and sci-fi media. These two genres are notoriously horrible when it comes to diversity and the portrayal of queerness. So it's only natural that people are going to be upset about what Disney is doing right now, and no, they aren't upset because they hate bisexuals.

Fiction in inherently limited to what is portrayed on screen/in the text. We don't know a character's every thought and feeling and we have not seen their entire life. Which is why good media follows the 'show not tell' rule. A character making an off-handed comment about their sexuality is never going to be enough representation, not when Marvel continues to refuse to portray explicity queer relationships or have their queer characters have any experiences tied to their queerness at all.

So sure, bisexuals can date people of the opposite gender and still be bisexual, obviously. But why are you guys acting as it that isn't how most bi people are portrayed anyways? Aren't most bisexual characters only shown being in het-alighned relationships and their identities only acknoleghed like a couple of times in passing converations? Please point me to the abundance of bisexual characters in fantasy and sci-fi shows who have actually been shown being in a relationship with a person of the same gender or have explicitly gone through stuff linked to their queer identity. Please go ahead.

Now let's look at Good Omens, specifically Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship. The constant discourse there is that queer relationships don't always need to be physical. "Aziraphale and Crowley can be asexual!!!! They don't have to kiss on screen for their relationship to be valid!!!!!" Okay fine but can you please first point me to all of those explicit mlm couples that you are refering to when you use the word always. What does always mean in this case? Are you telling me that fantasy and sci-fi shows are so oversaturated with explicit mlm and wlw relationships that some change of pace is desparately needed?

All of this discourse around the two shows is purposefully ignoring the history of homophobia in film and TV. Despite the code being removed almost sixty years ago, the film indistry is still in the shackles of the fucking Hays code. Queerness is viewed as dirty and sinful. Queer men and viewed as sick predators. MLM relationships are treated are perverted and nsfw and will someone please think of the children!

So why, please tell me, WHY are you giving the powers that be such loopholes for them to continue to not portray queerness while wearing a brand new woke hat? Do you not realise that you are giving Disney the option to continue to never portray queer relationships because all they had to do was write one short line of dialogue and now whenever someone tries to demand mlm representation they are going to be accused of biphobia. Loki can go on to never be shown having interest in someone of the same gender or having queer experiances at all, be it discussing his identity or anyone else around him acknowledging it or having his part experiences shape his behavior or anything at all that is just part of real queer people's lives. And people will continue to uphold his character as good representation because he said the sentence "a bit of both". Disney would rather Loki go and fuck a female version of himself than portray a mlm relationship on screen and you go and accuse people of biphobia for pointing that out.

Nuance is great. It's needed. But, perhaps, before we start talking about the nuances of sexuality and identity and the nature of queer relationships we should at least get to see some gay people kiss on screen, don't you think? When there is sufficient mlm and wlw representation in fantasy and sci-fi shows and movies, we can go on to talk about all of these things. But until then all you're doing is giving networks the excuse to never show an ounce of queerness on screen and then market their product as queer rep becase the writer said they love each other on twitter and oh if you object to that at all you're acephobic because their relationship doesn't have to be physical! Nevermind that homophobia still holds that industry by the throat and they continue to find gay relationships are disgusting and less than and to be avoided at all cost.

TL:DR - let some gay people kiss on screen first before you start giving networks exuses to not portray explicit queerness.

#loki #marvel #good omens #loki spoilers #queer #lgbt #i am SO tired my GOD #i can count the mlm relationships in fantasy and sci-fi on my fingers and y'all are treating these shows as peak rep for doing the bare #fucking minimum #ineffable husbands #azirowley #aziraphale #crowley #lokius #i guess

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cornfarm · 3 years

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waves against the rocks

saiki kusuo x reader

word count: 2.0k

synopsis: you show saiki your powers. he’s unbearibly jealous, yet for the first time, he feels seen and understood by another person.

cws: mention of the reader having a bad family

genre: melancholic fluff

reader is gender neutral!

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notes:

greetings... i promise i’m working on cease and desist part 2 but i keep starting one shots;; I ALSO DECIDED TO CHANGE MY TEXT FORMAT... i yoinked all the capital letters away... it feels a bit more liberating

whenever i make my crazy op self insert oc, i always think about how i can make them a foil/double to the characters i like. for example my gintama s/i is also a traumatized war veteran. i thought like... wouldn’t it be fun to write the reader character as a direct foil AND double to saiki? they have everything he doesn’t, but he has a lot that they dont and it’s like,., mutual jealousy.

i also wanted to write saiki properly empathizing with someone. aiura and toritsuka are so fun because they both have different moral compasses with their powers and how they’d like to use them. however despite the fact theyre all psychics, saiki can’t really empathize with either of them.

i wanted to have saiki be excited about something, and feel truly seen. empathy is a very powerful thing.

i hope the “ability” i chose isn’t too cringe;;;

i can’t help but feel like i write saiki ooc so feedback would be super appreciated!

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perception. the way people are seen by others, the mental images and sour thoughts rooted in nothing but misconception. the falsafied persona of greatness, beauty, and kindness. perception.

you kept saiki afterschool. tugging at his sleeve, you quietly asked “i need to show you something, stay here for a few extra minutes?”. he refused you at first, but you stayed firm, “i need you to stay.” fierce. he decided to stay.

but you stood before saiki, right? were you there? he suddenly felt a bit weary, head pounding at the thought of you. your name, voice, scent, failing to find matches in his library of records. when he thought of you, his brain flickered through the faces and names of everyone else he knew.

you were a gap, a void, a sudden unconjurable memory. it was horrifying. but he quickly accepted it. the body circling behind of him was none of his concern, because there was nobody there. he supposes he should go home now. why was he standing alone in the classroom anyways?

firm hands land on his shoulders, warm, present. he remembers why he’s here.

“it’s not that i’m invisible, it’s just that your brain can’t recognize me, and refuses to acknolwedge me as a thing that exists.”

like a wave crashing against a rocky shore, the void is filled. your voice, your scent, your name, all slotted back into place in his mental library. he recognizes the hands on your shoulders as yours.

a hand snakes around and pushes up his glasses, covering his eyes.

“it’s not about visibility, it’s perception. you are unable to percieve me as a living thing, or of anything of importance. that’s why you can’t read my thoughts, and that’s why you’re so quick to give up trying to recall me.”

he’s practically trembling- you have one power. it was simple, but it managed to find a loophole around practically all of his.

“that’s terrifying.”

“right?”

you take your hands away and step in front of him. he adjusts his glasses properly.

“were you born with it?”

you nod, “it caused me trouble when i was a kid. i almost got left at an airport,” you chuckle.

“does anyone else know?”

“i’ve tried to tell my parents but they don’t believe me. they called me a liar and delusional, so i decided to stop trying with them. nobody else knows, i’ve never told any of my past friends either. when i found out about your powers, i thought maybe someone would finally understand. that’s the only reason i wanted to tell you.”

your lip quivers, “you believe me, right?”

truth be told, saiki’s stunned. he wasn’t expecting someone like you to have such an abrasive ability. despite how reclusive and fittingly unnoticeable it is, it was certainly powerful.

he’s jealous. you were able to freely aquire something he wanted- privacy, but he does believe you, afterall he just watched you waltz around him, outside of his keen field of view.

“yeah, i do.”

you smile, bright and wide- you’re nearly trembling. was being believed that big of a deal to you?

you take a step forward and embrace him, wrapping your arms around his torso as your head presses against his chest. he goes a bit stiff, and glances at the door. “hey, someone might walk in-”

“it’s fine.” you look up at him, meeting his eyes, and oh. your eyes are glimmering, shining greater than he’s ever seen them, “they won’t.”

burying your face back into him, he tenataively wraps his arms around your back. you continue, voice muffled, “’m sorry, you’re the first person who’s accepted me. i’m happy.”

the emotional explanation for your actions ease him a bit, “it’s fine.” he states back.

you finally pull away, and for a brief moment as you lose connection, you flicker out of his view, but you come back in again, placing your hand on his.

“actually, i can touch you while using my power without you being affected by them, but i’m manually using it on you right now.”

“if you touch someone while making sure they still can’t see you, what does that make them experience?” his voice is clear, a bit fierce in tone. you always had trouble reading saiki, but you could tell that this was interest. perhaps he was threatened, but he was certainly intrigued.

“they might whirl around and look who’s touching them and account it to a person around them, but if not, they might think they’re having sensory hallucinations. i can also talk to people, but because my voice doesn’t have any weight to it, it’s almost like a hypnotic suggestion.”

“so you can brainwash people?”

“not necessarily,” you let go of his hand, you must have released your power, your eyes are dark, “if i suggest something to someone and it’s something mild, they’re more likely to do it because it already falls into their line of thinking. if i suggest something bold, they might do it thinking it’s an impulsive thought.”

“most people won’t do extreme things, they’ll read those as intrusive thoughts. but sometimes people think my voice is the voice of god, or a passed on relative, and will do intense things regardless of their judgement. others have poor impulse control, and some are just batshit crazy.”

you sheepishly scratch your head, “but i don’t really like having that much control over people. i don’t want to use my powers to hurt anyone.”

“do you want to use them to help people?”

you pause. it seems you’ve thought about this quite a bit.

“well my powers can’t help people. they give me the ability to help people, but they can’t help people directly. i think it’s a matter of it i’m strong enough to help people.”

“are you?”

“would you hate me if i said no? of course i lend a hand to my friends when they need it, but i don’t think i’m strong enough to really make a difference. i want to live peacefully.”

you look down at your hands, “i wish i wasn’t born with it.”

saiki felt unnervingly softhearted. he struggled empathizing with his peers, but his heart pounded in solemn familiarity. “i don’t hate you for that, i’m the same. having the powers i do means i have the responsibility of keeping the world in peace. people would be jealous of me for the self-fulfilling purposes i could use my powers for, but i don’t want to use my powers to hurt people. i don’t want to help anyone either. i just want to be left alone.”

guilt. guilt was a disease, just like jealousy is. it eats at you from the inside, and creeps up at times least expected. it left both of you hollow and empty.

“i wish i didn’t have powers,” he continues, “i don’t think i’ve ever properly experienced life in the way i’m supposed to, like everyone else has. i’m envious of you, you’ve had a bit more normalcy than me.”

“i suppose we’re equally unhappy, then,” you smile at him. he had been staring out the window, but he turns to looks at you. you’re leaning on the door of the classroom, tilting your head, you ask him a silent “walk home with me?”.

“i mean,” you begin, “i’ve missed out on a lot. i’ve always had trouble making friends- my powers made it difficult for people to remain interested in me. i’ve gotten pretty good at controlling them, pk academy has been really good to me, but it doesn’t heal the damage it’s caused me.”

your teeth gnaw at your lower lip, “your family is so supportive of you, they love you so much, it makes me angry. i wish i could say the same about mine.”

it wasn’t too empty in the school, but your footsteps were loud and clear, both you and saiki walking in sync. saiki didn’t really know what to say, so he stayed silent.

sighing, you continue, “i don’t want to be alone, but it’s too easy to be reclusive when that’s where you’ve always been. if you live a life of isolation, making friends is scary and draining,” a grim smile forms on your face, as if you’re trying to comfort yourself.

but saiki does have to admit that the two of you have much more in common than he initially thought. he quietly thinks to himself, perhaps he could use your abilities.

“y/n,” he begins, eyes meeting yours, “will you do me a favor?”

“yeah, what is it?”

he doesn’t like being indebted to people, but he wants to test your limits. you don’t give him the chance to ask, “you want me to use my powers while we walk out together, don’t you.”

his mouth falls a bit open, lips parting, “how did you know?”.

you laugh, “you’re not the only one who can read minds,” and reach out to wrap a hand around his forearm. he raises a brow at you, seemingly amused by your comment. he expected you to take his hand again, but your firm grip on his arm was admitedly unexpected.

he felt his heart skip a beat.

“well? are you doing it?”

“yup, you won’t feel any different though.”

walking down the steps together, people passed the two of you, strangers, familiar faces, teachers. nobody noticed.

the two of you passed toritsuka at the steps, but he paid no mind. “you know,” saiki started, “when i use my invisibility power, that guy can still see me.”

“can he?” you murmur, your voice a bit low.

“if it’s easier, you can just think what you’d like to say to me, we can talk that way.”

you squint your eyes in concentration, “like this?” you think to yourself.

“yeah.”

you smile. you continue to hold onto his arm as he changes his shoes.

“that must be frustrating, that he can still see you.”

he nods. he supposes if toritsuka can’t see you, then aiura probably can’t track you- and him, down either.

“hold onto my arm while i change mine.”

without breaking contact, he gently wraps his fingers around your wrist. you hastily change your shoes, and slide your hand a bit up, taking his in yours.

“is it neccesary to hold hands?” he asks. his expression was nearly deadpanned, but the slight crease in his brows communicated just enough. he felt sheepish, a bit lost.

“no, but it’s nice.”

teruhashi stands idly at the exit, waiting, doing her best to gently shake off the boys that surrounded her.

“she’s looking for me.”

“is she? do you want to talk to her?”

“no.”

you pause.

“is she the reason you asked me to do this for you?”

he nods.

you turn and head towards the gate, but not before waving a hand in front of her face. you take a deep breath, before exclaiming a loud “teruhashi!”. she whirls around, trying to find the source of the voice, looking rather bewildered.

letting out a hearty laugh, you grin up at him. a slight huff of air escapes his upturned lips.

the two of you slip past the front gate.

“but you owe me something in return, i don’t give out my labor for free!”

he sighs, “what would you like?”

“wait, really? i was joking, you don’t have to do anything for me!” you double down on your demands.

“you say that, but i know you’re secretly hoping i’ll treat you.”

“shit, i forgot you can read my mind. that’s so invasive.” you pout, “not fair!”

“it’s fine, i don’t like being indebted to people, and you did do me a favor like i asked, so i’ll take you somewhere.”

you look a bit nervous, “really? you’re sure?”

“just accept the offer before i revoke it.”

you twirl in a circle, letting go of his hand and hopping a few steps ahead of him. “you’re buying me a nice coffee then!”

he lunges out to take it again.

“sure.”

and once more in sync, both of your hearts skip a beat.

#im sorry for writing so much friends to lovers in the pining stage i can't help it /j #the disaster of psi kusuo saiki #the disasterous life of saiki k #saiki k #saiki kusuo #saiki kusuo x reader #saiki k imagines #saiki k headcanons #saiki x reader

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