i worked hard on these

Dear Diary

song 1: dear diary |  good & bad masterlist | prev | next

Pairing: sakusa x reader

Summary/warnings: life has been kicking your ass yet you don’t want to tell sakusa/profanity

WC: 1.5K

“How’ve you been,” you paused debating on answering honestly or not. Switching your phone to speaker, you fiddled with the covers resting beneath your fingers before sighing out. “I miss you Yoomi.” A silence comes settled through the phone line. “How are you doing?” The insistence of your well being causes another sigh to escape your lips. Of course he could tell that something was off even through the phone and a part of you curses his observational skills. “Im just--really fucking stressed,” you mutter out reluctantly. 

“Have you been taking care of yourself? Eating real meals and getting proper sleep?” The questions being rattled off on the other side of the phone causes you to crack a small smile at his concern. You could only imagine the furrow in his brows at the thought of a lack of concern for your own health. You almost miss the ending of the questions as he tells you not to lie to him. Your silence causes Sakusa to sigh on the line. 

“Sometimes I hate how much you really know me.” You voice the thoughts that had previously been in your head. Sakusa could hear the slightest of background noise as you maneuver yourself under the warm comforter and shifted to get comfortable. “Do you need me to come home.” The words aren’t phrased as a question, and that causes you to quickly shake your head despite the fact that he couldn't see that.

“No-no. Yoomi, it's fine. I just- I just need to get my mind right and relax. I just needed to hear your voice tonight, that's all.” You tell him, despite wanting nothing more than for him to be back with you.He’d been on the road for the last month, a series of away games and such. And right before he left, you’d been out of town on a major business trip. It seemed as if time nor luck were your friend. It’d been at least a month and a half since the two of you were anywhere near one another. He’d still be gone another month and all either of you could do was wait it out. 

The silence that followed your response was telling. You could already imagine the way Sakusa has his eyes narrowed in thought. Thinking about whether he should push for your well being or let it go for now. The quietest sigh escaped his mouth from the other side of the phone. He’d made his decision. “I miss you too. I’ll be home soon.” 

Life after that phone call seemed to grow progressively worse. Not only had you and Sakusa not been able to squeeze in another talk in the following week, but life sucked. Your job has been giving you more and more responsibility, and allowing you more freedom. On one hand that was great, a celebratory text sent to your boyfriend at the talks of you in for a promotion, however it was tiring. You were coming home later and later, exhausted and starting to neglect your own health.

It’s not you were intentional in the neglect. It just felt too damn hard to come home after a long day and cook a healthy and fulfilling meal. When you were home you were suddenly reminded of just how empty the apartment was without Sakusa. Dust that was normally absent due to his cleanliness began to appear. Dishes piled up more than he would have liked. Whenever you did bother to straighten up at least for his sake, it drained you. 

Adulthood was really kicking your ass and it came to a head one night when you woke up sweating. As if life couldn’t drag you down even more, your AC had gone out right during the hottest part of the summer. Come morning you found out that your landlord had gone on vacation and could not and would not be able to fix the unit for at least a week. 

So you’d done what you usually did. Sucked it up and forced yourself to push through. Not a word of your woes to Sakusa who had more important matters to attend to other than your slump. You went to work, exhausted yourself there and dragged your feet into the dreaded heat of your apartment. 

Upon entering you were automatically hit with a wave of heat, making your already sluggish steps heavier. Kicking your shoes off you offhandedly waved hello to the person seated on the couch before dragging yourself towards the kitchen like it was completely normal. A moment later you stopped in your tracks. “Yoomi?”

The slightest nod from your boyfriend caused you to blink in surprise before launching yourself into his arms. “What are you doing here,” you muttered as his hands ran up and down your back. Pulling away slightly you eyed him. He looked tired. Eyes unusually sunken and you noticed the tiniest sheen of sweat across his forehead. You went to pull away knowing the touch paired with the heat would likely make him uncomfortable. To your surprise, the hands wrapped around your middle didn’t make any moves to release you. “You needed me so I came home.”

You felt a squeeze in your heart as your arms tightened wrapped around his shoulders. “But I didn't say anything—“

“Your voice. On the other week. And then your texts were different.” Of course he noticed. The conversation had already signaled to him that you weren’t the best. Your shaky exhales as you insisted that you were fine and that he didn’t need to come home. Then he noticed the jokes within your texts began to slowly subside. You’d also found yourself saying that you missed him more than usual. “So you came back?”

“I have a 3 day weekend this week. Then I’m back to practicing.” You nodded in understanding the two of you releasing one another and you noticed Sakusa frown. “Why’s it hot?” You explained about the broken AC and about the suffering you’ve endured for the past 2 days. “Did you get any more fans?” He looked annoyed once you denied purchasing any additional appliances knowing he’d had to get that done for you. “You know you’re more susceptible to nosebleeds in the heat right?”

“Thank you Dr. Omi,” you teased, laughing at his scowl from the nickname. The two of you settled onto the couch, your head coming to rest on his shoulder. “It’s common knowledge.” His replies allow a lightness to settle in your heart. One you hadn’t felt in weeks. The two of you settle into a silence for a little while his hand rubbing soft circles on your knee. “You need to take better care of yourself. And tell me when you need me.”

“I didn't want to take you away from your busy schedule,” you hum out. You feel the movement against your knee stop, a former grip replacing it. “I don't care how busy I am, I’m here. Now stop being annoying and tell me things.” You feel yourself jokingly roll your eyes before agreeing. However that wasn’t enough as you heard the scoff from next to you. 

“I’m serious. You remember what you told me back in college”

“Pretty sure I told you a lot of things back then,” you tease, taking his closest hand and interlocking your fingers. “You believed in me,” he started catching your eyes. “Told me you always knew there was no limit to me. That means I can handle it. Don’t feel like you’re annoying me.” Your eyes widened at how he remembered that very specific moment. 

It was around 4 years ago. He’d just told you that he signed to MSBY, something everyone around him was dying to know. Yet you were the first person he told. He remembered how your eyes beamed as you sat on his lap, your phone camera in his face recording the moment for memories sake. He didn’t even bother swatting it away like he usually did. He’d allowed you to place messy kisses all across his face despite the feel of your tacky chapstick. “Why do you remember that,” you questioned a soft smile gracing your own features. 

You notice the shrug of his shoulders as he helped to to sit you sideways into his lap. “Doesn’t matter. Now tell me what’s wrong. And then we’re going to get some fans.” You nodded leaning so that your lips met his for a soft kiss. “I really missed you,” you murmured into the kiss. And while he was only there for the weekend it was enough. He came home for you. The one who has loved and supported him with open arms for the past 5 years. He’d be damned if he didn’t try to make up for it. 

So you told him everything on your mind. Laughing every time he scolded you for the little things. “Don’t let the dust build up by the time I get back next month.” To “You need to sleep more.” And in return you got the same. You got the story from the exhaustion laced in his eyes. The hours it took to get to you, and the germs he forced himself to sit through to make it happen. And despite the annoying heat in the apartment, neither of you have felt that good in a while.

a/n: wow i FINALLY got at least 2 consective songs in a row done so now my prev/next is relevant for at least 2 parts. This took a different route than I initially planned for, nor is it exact in its storytelling. It was also started 2 months ago and finished now bc it was kinda hard for me. Anyways hi um did you catch the no limit to you ref? bc yeah i love that and to date still my fav piece ive ever written. you dont have to read that to understand this but its 5.4k words if you have some spare time.

anyways: im about to be on an 8hr car ride so feel free to request stuff. rules 

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

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晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

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看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

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下個禮拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

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會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

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笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

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我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

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星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

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沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Ok

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B  Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there. 

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary:  “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently  made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3 

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

TLDR : I am tired and worn thin.

Life is shit.

I need to write this out. Last year, on July 4th, I admitted myself to the hospital because I was feeling so crushed by my depression and I knew I needed help. I was at the hospital for a week before I was released. After release I attended a day hospital program to try and continue to get my life back on track. I actually learned new coping skills for once. (Considering I feel like I’ve heard most everything under the sun already, it was a bit refreshing.) During the time that I was out of the hospital and in the program, my parents sprang on me that they wanted me out of their place, that they wanted to put me into a group home. This is a significant point for me. What was said to me at that time, after I was trying to get back on my feet... It has hurt me so much. I’ve had a large fear for years and years and years that my parents considered me a burden and didn’t like having me around. I had brought it up to them on multiple occasions over the years, and they would always tell me they loved having me around, that I wasn’t a burden. I wanted to believe that. So after I had gotten out of the hospital, I ended up hearing a number of things. That if I needed hospitalization again, they would throw my stuff out on the street as well as me... The most hurtful thing however was something my mom said to me in a moment of frustration and anger. Where she told me, “You’re right. You are a burden. I don’t like living with you. You are difficult to live with.”

Right then, I feel like my heart broke a bit more. I felt and still feel like those words solidified my supposedly “irrational” fear of being a burden. Of being unpleasant to be around. It made me realize that my fears were correct. I wasn’t being irrational. The reason I am now even more unable to believe the people around me, who tell me they care, and that they like me, that I’m a good person... Is because of that. My parents have since apologized. But I can’t help but feel I can’t trust that. I am afraid of having it thrown back at me to hurt me.

....

I was able to find an apartment/roommate situation fairly quickly at that point... I won’t lie, I got extremely lucky. The first place I went to check out, is the one I moved into that coming weekend. It’s a shared house, and I have 3 roommates. 2 guys and 2 girls total. 

I quickly tried to search for work, to try and become a more productive person in society.  And while I did find a job, it was one I never started. It was a job for selling life insurance. Before I could be allowed to work though, I had to pay for a quick course to be able to get a license... Which, also required that I pay for the test. I never finished the course. Never got anywhere.

All throughout this time, my depression and anxiety were getting uncontrollable. I was dealing with an unrequited love as well... Which was draining me. I had previously dated the person.. But unfortunately for me, he wasn’t over the previous person he loved. He had come to visit somewhat early in the relationship, said he had a good time. I think it was maybe a month or two after that when I asked him if he still loved me, cause I had started to feel maybe he didn’t. At that point he told me he didn’t, and hadn’t actually since he had visited. That he had assumed I felt the same so never told me. In the end I broke up with him, after being essentially dragged along. The bad part is, even after we broke up, we continued to hang out. I got to hear about his feelings for the other girl. His desires. How much he wanted to talk and do things together with her. (Note: This girl talks to him once in a blue moon, and not much when she actually does.) Why I put up with this in the long run, was because there were times he seemed to feel romantically towards me. And in general, he knew me well, we liked to play games and such together, and was somewhat helpful when I would need to talk.

Anyways. Back to the story. By the time it reached December, I was feeling dead. Trump had become the president-elect, the roommate situation was eating at me, my finances were dwindling, my conflicted and hurt feelings towards my ex/friend.... I was a disaster. On the 31st of December I cut that friend off completely. Started to work on self improvement again. Looked into volunteering. Worked on getting my health insurance set up. Generally taking care of my business. It was good. I think.

Two or three weeks into the new year....

That ex/friend and I reconcile. He’s finally working on being a responsible person who contributes to society. He’s got job interviews that he’s going to. He’s finally got a cell phone. He’s worked on cleaning up his place, and trying to be more conscious of what he says. Tells me that the weeks I hadn’t talked with him made him realize that he does really love me, and that he realized he hadn’t been good to me. That he wants to try a relationship again. I agreed. We made some rules and boundaries. We made sure to tell each other if something the other did bothered us, why it bothered us, and generally agreed to be open about things and how we feel. It started out well, we were able to be romantic, supportive, and open/honest with each other. About two weeks into this... I had started volunteering, he had his job. We made sure to spend time together doing things. But... I noticed... He wasn’t tending to be romantic anymore. He wasn’t being as much of a boyfriend as a best friend. I brought this up, cause I noticed that I was the one who was trying to be romantic, and such, while he wouldn’t... And I had started avoiding trying to be romantic, cause it just felt one-sided. He told me that he wasn’t feeling that romantic towards me at that moment. That it seemed to come and go. That he did feel that he loves me and cares about me and wants to be around me... And is attracted to me. But not romantic.

We had already by this point, decided beforehand that I would be visiting him as soon as I could. So he told me to wait till after we meet up, and if when we meet up he is able to sort his feelings one way or another that would be it.

So I am still being strung along... I’ve told him that if, after we meet, he doesn’t feel any differently... that I will need space. That I can’t let myself stay near him. That I can’t anywhere near as much time near him in that case. That I won’t talk to him more than I would an acquaintance. He told me that he knows it’s selfish of him, but he doesn’t want that. That he wants me to be around and be near him. That he doesn’t want me to put distance between us.

...

...

...

I don’t think anything will change after I visit for him...Except for me moving on.

.

Now back to other things that have happened during my reconciliation.

I’m on SSI. It is my sole source of income. After moving out, I continued to be on my parent’s insurance until the new year, in which I could not be allowed to stay on their plan. SSI means that I get medi-cal coverage included. However, since I had been on my parent’s private insurance, my medi-cal benefits has been frozen. So after the New Year, I went through the fun ordeal of calling, calling, calling, calling.... to try and find out how to get it un-frozen so I could have health care. Finally was able to find the people able to do that. Call back in a week to make sure it was processed. Called back to make sure. And asked about switching to one of their specialty health plans. Gave me another set of numbers to call. Set that up. Asked to have them send me information on the plan... Since I knew little about it, except it was the only plan they offered that would allow me to still keep my previous doctors. Told me I would get sent the info and such in 2 weeks. (This was late January.) Didn’t actually receive said info until early MARCH. (THIS MONTH)

In the meanwhile. My roommate and living situation has gotten bad. I have one roommate, who despite being told/having the rules be no smoking in the house... Has been smoking his weed & ”pure nicotine” in our shared bathroom. I am allergic to whatever the heck he is smoking. After moving in, I have dealt with an almost continuous cough... (From August until now.) Went to the doctor last year three times for it. First time was told it’s just a cold. Second time, post-nasal drip. (Which I am susceptible to.) Third... bronchitis. I haven’t been able to see the doctor since the new year...

Not to mention.. My financial situation isn’t helping. I live off of ramen, popcorn, and bread. Occasionally I will buy extra special things... Nothing healthy though... Cause healthy food is expensive. Cookies. String cheese.

I am most likely extremely vitamin deficient. But.. can’t see my doctor yet, or do my blood work.

I called my insurance over three weeks ago to see about authorizing me to see my previous doctor. They said they would check and get back to me within three weeks. ... never heard back. Called today to check on it, as well as see about being able to see a psychiatrist and psychologist. Turns out it had been declined two weeks ago.. and no one had let me know. The reason for being declined was “due to not having any previous connection to the doctor.” I face-palmed. My current insurance has my last name listed as only one of my last names. Whereas my old doctor has me on file with both my last names..... Gave the person my medical records number for that doctor as well as the name my doctor has on record. Was told they will get back to me in 3-5 days with the decision. As for getting a psychologist/psychiatrist.. I would need to call a totally different number cause this specialized plan doesn’t cover it, but basic medi-cal does. I call the number. They tell me they need to schedule a screening. Which.. for whatever reason is done over the phone. (It’s not like they don’t have access to my records.. and have medical papers that will tell them my diagnosis’.... No. I have to be screened, to see if I actually need help and am actually the diagnosis I am and have been for all my life.) The first available time for that call is on this Thursday. Yay. I get to wait even longer to get help. And I bet that even after I do the screening I will get to wait more.

I am so tired, and stressed..... Not to mention anxiety and depression levels are terrible.

I’m also looking into finding a new place to move to.

Also trying to balance my volunteer work...

Also trying to feel like I can get a job...

But how can I even think I can handle a job, if I can barely handle volunteering doing something I enjoy....

How am I supposed to feel like I can get a job, when being on SSI means it’s actually pretty fucking difficult to have a job.

How am I supposed to be able to live.....

I have soo many things going on constantly in my mind that are stressing me out, and I can’t get help cause I have to wait for insurance.

Insurance that might end up taken away from me completely during Trump’s reign.

SSI that might be taken from me during his reign.

...

My ability to afford anything.

...

..

.

My ability to live.

insurance cost per month

insurance cost per month

insurance cost per month

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancefreequotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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The adjective pompous ways packed with pretext, making excessive or baseless insurance claims to become significant or stylish. That person's pompous use of words hides the fact that they perform certainly not have anything of substance to claim. That's considering that today (just like at that time), individuals misusage words pompous" all the damn time. Very first hint that you are not entrepreneur product ... is actually if you are searching for a quick or simple technique to build wealth. The in activity narrative purpose from the island may be had as the literal function of the game, if you want this to possess one. As well as mistreating the word ostentatious" is actually probably among the absolute most pompous traits an individual can do.

That's a means of saying that modern fine art is a downside" and also subtitled films are actually hard" - that they carry out not interest everyone and consequently must be actually intended for the sorts of individuals that believe they are actually better in comparison to everybody else. Take, for example, account on p. 2 along with the engraving The full photo of the carbon dioxide pattern. That is actually an art work of two individuals, that's it. In regards to top quality by just how people were paintinged, you could not necessarily even call this good. If being actually authentic is actually looked at a quality - just what our experts should make every effort to become in society - after that being pompous is actually considered a whitewash, a face-palm to your history. Take pleasure in the clean as well as eccentric visual appeals from Ostentatious Video game and also jump completely right into a poetic and also deeper tale. The daffodil hairstyle blossoms may resist coming from 4 to 8 times, if they are actually properly gone to. They were actually established by ladies in the Heian time frame and also are still considered feminine by Japanese folks. When you were quickly greeted along with product line problems, if the activity was based around stories at that point you will be actually best to expect even more stories and also right to be actually dissatisfied! This is likewise suggested to call Pretentious.install _ watcher early on to be able to produce much better installations. The fifth game ends along with Magenta saying that she'll expect Gray to become complimentary, so she could not have separated him after all. Merely a basic chat between both people influenced me sufficient to compose a post located around it, and I'm only one from plenty of people that he talks to daily. Pretentiousness concerns due to exactly what this reveals concerning just how your identification relates to everybody else's. Most individuals go back to square one, job very hard with the very best of objectives and also inevitably end up being satisfied or even aggravated with their lack from progress. The 5th activity focuses on Magenta's emotions towards Gray, both prior to and also after the contests from the previous activities. I talked to everybody from recent as well as I reached the crack-pipe over a four month period in a manner that would have eliminated many people after a time's session with the sort of misuse I was actually self inflicting. If you have any thoughts relating to the place and how to use mountains in england to climb; http://sejasaude.info/eco-slim,, you can contact us at our internet site. The buyer, which had actually devoted the final 4 hours along with Leo appeared him in the eye as well as exclaimed just how much he loved the product line and also informed Leo that he was the greatest agent he had actually found in a long period of time. Take a good check out the developers you marvel at and also appear around. You'll most likely discover that the majority of the most ideal professionals around don't use pompous labels, however instead utilize headlines that correctly define what they do. Also those who do utilize fun titles typically do this in an incredibly tongue-in-cheek technique and also do this in restricted amounts. The words which can be covered on this post are actually all coming from the lexicon sessions solutions, amount F, system 2. You'll be able to make the most of this content in order to get a definitely taste of their significances and also the examples are going to really receive you started to using the phrases the right way in your on a daily basis life. You may utilize this widget-maker to produce a bit of HTML that can be installed in your site to conveniently make it possible for clients to purchase this activity on Steam. I think that with work we may bring in amazing people like Mike Smiarowski much less of an one of a kind and additional of an daily enjoyment. Last but not least, I am going to point out that I perform take place to assume Blow is a clever fucker, and I presume that if he desired to create an activity everyone adored he could have accomplished this rather quickly. Just because you've eradicated pretentiousness off your lifestyle meanwhile doesn't mean that won't sneak back in. Thus be sure you remain ever-vigilant from it. Given that the in season menu comprised from mostly video game and there was no fish, the response was properly that is going to possess to be the vegetarian alternative. Saying concerning regulations, rules and right or incorrect ways from doing traits is one method of discussing the amateur and also the specialist; social categories that make pretentiousness an even knottier problem. The waitress provided the biggest laminated and also very most complicated menu Leo had ever before observed and then poured 2 huge glasses from recently created icy herbal tea. That corrects - Gal Power": Great in English, but reveal this kanji mixture to a lot of Eastern folks as well as you'll acquire a blank look at best. But naturally the difficulty proceeds, as well as the following 2 phrases in Degree F, Device 2 program to be sufficient for many trainees. Record Repeats: Subverted in Pretentious Activity 4; Magenta's child practically obtains eliminated by an inebriated motorist, which is just how Blue perished in the second video game, however his more mature sibling spares him in the nick of time. My estimate is you were just possessing a jab considering that some individuals talk in a different way to you. The pompous treasure will definitely then analyze what procedures are actually gotten in touch with, exactly how that is actually created and also create exam situations for that. However nearly any person could find the further meaning responsible for this story which's what ceases it from being ostentatious. The impact is to integrate the procedures of set learning as well as game having fun to fix the advertising notification in consumers' minds. The ostentatious defects from others attest your very own mental or cosmetic know-how. I hooked up with everyone off the past and I attacked the crack-pipe over a 4 month period in a manner that would certainly have gotten rid of most people after a time's treatment along with the kind of abuse I was actually self inflicting. The customer, which had spent the final 4 hours along with Leo appeared him in the eye and exclaimed the amount of he loved the product line and also informed Leo that he was the greatest agent he had found in a long time. A scrawny 22-year outdated along with a mustache that he can not very manage does not possess an ostentatious mustache." That very same 22-year old can effortlessly be actually pretentious, however it would need to be actually for his expectations, phrases as well as activities, certainly not the excellence or even breakdown of his flavor-saver. I want to think that all of us possess a specific degree from really good ethical trustworthiness, however individuals typically are actually incredibly susceptible to reliable imperfections. Our team have possessed some terrific specific report purchases due to Nolan Johnson, but we fizzled on our percentage due to the fact that a few people around listed below typically aren't taking their sales extremely truly. They seem to scuff some religious knowledge" coming from this artistic manure completely as a result of that individuals possess the humbleness to presume that this is rich" and also wise even if they do not recognize this. Which's considering that there is absolutely nothing to understand.

Ramblings: Johnny T and the Islanders are Plummeting at the Wrong Time (Mar 1)

  The Niemi-ssance continues!

Other than getting roasted by Mathew Barzal, which could and does happen to anyone, Niemi stopped 27 of 28 to defeat the Islanders. Niemi has made eight starts since joining the Canadiens, winning four of them and putting up a quality start in seven of the eight games. The one blip on Niemi’s record was 4-1 loss to Edmonton in which he stopped 31 of 34 for a .912 save percentage. Literally, his worst start has been a .912 save percentage! That’s his career average! What a run. I don’t trust it at all but am thoroughly entertained.

That Barzal goal, by the way:

{source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">.<a href="https://twitter.com/Barzal_97?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@Barzal_97</a> opens the scoring with some nifty moves. <a href="https://t.co/DNU0ti1C0k">pic.twitter.com/DNU0ti1C0k</a></p>— NHL GIFs (@NHLGIFs) <a href="https://twitter.com/NHLGIFs/status/969004326575312896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 1, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  Niemi will likely get another crack at shutting down the Islanders on Friday after this win.

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The Islanders are in quite the post-All-Star funk. They’ve won just four of 14 games, claiming just 10 of a possible 28 points. That’s a good way to fall out of the race. Worse, they’ve actually gotten some goaltending with Jaroslav Halak boasting a .916 save percentage in that stretch. That isn’t great, and it still comes with a 3.22 goals-against average thanks to all the shots being conceded, but at least he’s battling to an average level.

Instead it’s the offense that is slowing down. They’ve scored 2.57 goals per game since the All-Star break, which is the rate that the anemic Blue Jackets (27th in league scoring) have carried all season. This is bad news for fantasy owners. Check out their top scorers since the All-Star break courtesy of Frozenpool:

Rank

Name

GP

Points

1

BARZAL,MATHEW

14

16

2

BAILEY,JOSH

14

8

3

NELSON,BROCK

14

8

4

BEAUVILLIER,ANTHONY

14

7

5

EBERLE,JORDAN

14

7

6

LEDDY,NICK

14

7

7

TAVARES,JOHN

14

7

8

LEE,ANDERS

14

6

9

HICKEY,THOMAS

14

6

10

PULOCK,RYAN

14

5

11

CIZIKAS,CASEY

14

4

  Outside of Barzal that is bleak. Where’d the magic go for John Tavares, Josh Bailey and Anders Lee? It hasn’t been a lack of power play production, as the Islanders have still clicked at 24% over the past month. That top line is simply getting crushed at 5-on-5 over the last month. Really, it’s that their shooting percentage luck is finally catching up.

Superstars like Tavares can help drive shooting percentage, but Lee, Tavares and Bailey ranked third, sixth and 11th respectively in on-ice shooting percentage at 5-on-5 at the All-Star break. All at well-above 10%, which is a tell-tale rate for regression. Since then, they rank 511th, 460th, and 493rd. All three at below 5%, which is far too low. They should rebound, assuming there’s not some injury or other dynamic causing this drop.

My guess is that after crushing teams since the start of December 2016, teams finally got enough film on that line and schemed a way to slow them down. Add in some regression, perhaps a loss of confidence, Bailey returning from injury and bam, brutal funk.

It doesn’t help that the Islanders’ schedule for the fantasy playoffs (March 5 – March 25) is weaker with just nine games.

Is it too late or can you sell Islanders in your league? All my one-year leagues have passed the deadline and I have zero Islander stock. I had Nick Leddy for most of the season, but his decline is one I’ve documented heavily over the past three months. He actually shows well with seven points in 14 games, but his plus/minus (a category I’ll punt if it’s worth it) has been an anchor. I tried shopping him, but eventually just dropped him outright. A burden was lifted, you have no idea.

With Tavares, you need another star back, no easy task. With Bailey, you can probably come out okay. With Lee, he does enough things that maybe you just ride this out. He’s a multi-category stud as one of just six guys with at least 20 goals, 150 SOG, 30 PIM and 70 hits on the year. Other guys with those benchmarks: Brendan Gallagher, Evander Kane, Jamie Benn, Vincent Trocheck and Brayden Schenn.

You definitely aren’t nabbing the latter four for free. They’ve all got ownership levels through the roof. Gallagher, however, is out there in 50% of Yahoo leagues. He’s trending up with 15 points in 23 games since the start of January. He could be a free upgrade off the waiver wire and would give you 11 games in the fantasy playoffs.

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No Nikita Kucherov for the Lightning last night. We still aren’t sure his exact ailment, though it is purported to be serious. At least they didn’t do what the Bruins did letting Patrice Bergeron play against the Sabres on a (not yet diagnosed) broken foot. Just be healthy next week Kucherov.

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In the world of bizarre goalie performances, how about Chad Johnson defeating the Lightning twice and the Bruins twice in four of his last five starts. They were over 2/1 underdogs in three out of four of those games. The odds on them winning all four would have been 26.5/1, which is in the neighbourhood of the odds you’d get to bet the Islanders to win the Cup.

Since Jack Eichel went down Ryan O’Reilly has nine points and 31 SOG in nine games.

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After making his Flame debut on the top line, Chris Stewart was banished to the fourth line last night. It was worth a shot for Calgary, and two games does not mean can’t be an impact guy. It’s just EXTREMELY unlikely he’ll be a difference-maker for fantasy owners. He need to be a hit right away and flopped. When does Micheal Ferland return?

No timeline yet for Ferland and his undisclosed injury, although he has been skating. He just needs to be back in time for the fantasy playoffs where the Flames have one of the best schedules with 10 games, and a lot of off-night action.

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Need a multi-category boost? Consider Duncan Siemens who has 14 blocked shots in five games since being recalled. He also has nine hits and 21 PIM. Unfortunately, all 21 PIM came in two games against the Flames, who the Avs don’t play again this season.

Big win for the Avs to hang in the playoff race. They are currently in 10th but have a game in hand on the Ducks just one point ahead in the eight seed. The West chase as it stands is going to be insane. There are seven teams within four points of one another chasing three spots, including all three California teams, the Avs, Stars, Blues and Flames.

I don’t think anyone has faith in the Avs, but Nathan MacKinnon is back healthy and looking to drag them there. He has 10 points in six games since returning from injury. I’m not sure there’s a guy I’d rather have for the fantasy playoffs than MacKinnon. He is in full superstar mode, having the season I thought Eichel was going to have.

They need Semyon Varlamov to get there as well, and we know that he can. With both Jonathan Bernier and Andrew Hammond concussed it could be Varlamov starting the bulk of their remaining 19 games. They have only one back-to-back in March, but a tough slate of opponents facing Minnesota, Nashville and Vegas each twice.

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Nice rebound performance for Carter Hutton who got lit up against the Wild the other night coming on in relief of Jake Allen. Neither has been good over the past month for this sinking squad, but Hutton has been better. If they are going to have any hope of hanging in the playoff race, they need to ride Hutton. Two back-to-backs for the Blues during the fantasy playoffs, however, so even if he’s the starter he’ll have reduced utility.

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It would seem that the Rangers don’t have any time for this notion of being a poor destination for fantasy options. Ryan Spooner has four points in two games since joining the team. Vladislav Namestnikov scored two points in his debut.

Then again, the Rangers did get the not-so-imposing matchups of Detroit and Vancouver, so we can pump the brakes.

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The San Jose Sharks extended backup goaltender Aaron Dell for two years at $1.9 million per. That’s a bit on the rich side for a backup, but he was heading towards unrestricted free agency and has performed well with a .920 save percentage in 45 appearances across the past two seasons, while winning over 60% of his decisions.

If you’re Dell, you have to love this job security and bump in pay, especially after conceding 23 goals in your last five appearances. That poor run has tanked his 2017-18 save percentage to .912, which highlights what a small sample of play we are dealing with.

You can’t help but wonder if Scott Darling and the Chicago Blackhawks don’t wish they had been able to come to a similar agreement last season. Would Darling have flamed out in the same way had he stayed in Chicago? Would the Blackhawks have drowned after Corey Crawford went down with vertigo and none of their backups could fill the void? Then again, the Blackhawks might not mind if they can win a top-three pick in the lottery to reinvigorate an aging core.

In any case, Dell’s extension likely takes him out of the mix for potential starters next season. He could conceivably be dealt somewhere, but it’s unlikely that an acquiring team would view him as anything more than a 1B option.

Dell is stuck behind Martin Jones, whose own extension (a six-year deal at $5.75 million per with no-trade protection) kicks in next season as well. It could be worse! While Jones is firmly the Sharks’ starter, he’s shown enough variance to be susceptible to losing his gig for stretches so Dell should remain relevant, even if just as a handcuff to Jones.

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Time to review some goodies from Elliotte Friedman’s latest 31 Thoughts:

8. Heard Calgary resisted offers for three young defencemen — Rasmus Andersson, Adam Fox and Juuso Valimaki. Maybe they would have considered one for a difference-maker with term, but there was nothing appealing enough.

This is completely understandable. Those prospects are REALLY good. You can add Oliver Kylington to that list in terms of intrigue, though his not being name could indicate he was available or at least not as valued either by the Flames or inquiring teams.

The cliff may come faster than expected for Mark Giordano and TJ Brodie. Having a good stockpile of defensemen will be key to keeping them afloat for the span or the Gaudreau/Monahan prime.

Andersson might be ready to contribute to the team right now. Hell, he might even be better than Travis Hamonic (struggling through a tough season), or Michael Stone (never more than a third-pairing guy). Just look at how Travis Dermott has really settled things down for Toronto’s blue line. Andersson has 33 points in 45 games as 21-year-old sophomore in the AHL. He’s on the cusp.

What might the Flames have been able to do at the deadline had they left a spot available for one of their prospects to potentially grow into? What if they had not swung the Hamonic trade, dealing away their first and second-round picks from this year and another conditional 2nd. That left them with essentially only their prospect cupboard to trade from, which they weren’t quite willing to do.

Most people thought the Hamonic deal was a good bet, myself included, even with all the draft capital they gave up. There’s no guarantee they would have ensnared a more impactful player with those picks at the deadline. There’s no guarantee that Andersson would make a difference if given a shot.

Now, however, they have the right side of their defense locked up until 2020, with Andersson having no real shot at promotion beyond an injury. He’s an excellent insurance policy who is also locked up until 2020. Could a one-step backwards/two-steps forwards deal be in play this summer? Moving out one of Stone or Hamonic could return draft resources and open up cap space. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long wait for returns on these prospects for fantasy owners.

Read more about Andersson here, Fox here, Valimaki here, and Kylington here.

14. One scout on Stastny and Winnipeg: “That’s a good fit. He needs speed around him… and they’ve got plenty of it.”

Stastny’s last great fantasy season came in 2013-14 when he put up 60 points in 71 games with a third-year Gabriel Landeskog, and rookie Nathan MacKinnon as his most common wingers. That was for the overachieving Avs who won 52 games in Patrick Roy’s first season as coach. It was also a contract year for Stastny, but the theory holds water.

Stastny was scoring at a 50-point pace before landing in a spot more conducive to production than he had in St. Louis. You don’t want to over-react to a two-point night in his debut but Stastny really could go for 15-20 points in Winnipeg’s final 19 games if things break right. I wouldn’t predict that he’ll score more than 14 in those 19 games (a 60-point pace), but variance over a small sample can swing things.

Winnipeg has a decent 10-game schedule during the standard fantasy playoffs (March 5 – March 25), which is an upgrade over St. Louis’ nine-game slate.

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If you missed it, check out my breakdown of the trade deadline winners and losers for Sportsnet.

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Thanks for reading! You can follow me @SteveLaidlaw.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-johnny-t-and-the-islanders-are-plummeting-at-the-wrong-time-mar-1/

On balance of attacking and defending...

Okay this piece might well be gobbledy-gook that only really makes sense in my own head. When you're tackling something from what seems like a rational position to one-self, but are actually arguing against what seems like more scientific or mathematical approach, you really set yourself up to look like a bit of an idiot. Maybe that's what I am, but this is what I think on this topic...

The interesting issue I'm wondering about is what the best approach might be for underdogs. What I would consider the orthodox position is laid out in this post, which comes to the conclusion that "For good teams, it is better to be offensive, and for bad teams, it is better to be defensive".

Part of this is largely undisputed. Lower scoring games will be more susceptible to random outcomes between a dominant and inferior team. I don't think this heuristic is really in serious dispute. When a bottom of the table team plays a top of the table team, the bottom of the table team aims to keep it tight and snatch a draw or a win. The massively dominant philosophy among weaker sides is for well-organised defensive teams that try to maximise lower quality and fewer clear-cut chances to their greatest advantage. They are not set up to win every game, indeed you could argue they are set up to lose most games, but they are set up to win enough of the time to survive.

My contention with the article listed above is its interpretation of 'offensive and defensive'. I see a disconnect there between a more scientific approach that simply looks at basic records and judges teams on those results, and what is a more value-based approach that looks at what teams actually try to do on the pitch. Obviously the first approach is more easy to quantify than the second. But also, the former can only be applied in hindsight, whereas the latter is more grounded in what I consider to be the more important realm where decisions must be taken on the ground and without the benefit of such hindsight.

Assuming sample sizes iron out anomalies, if a team scores lots of goals but also lets lots of goals in, they are probably fairly described as an attacking side. But what about a team that scores few goals but lets a lot in - are they defensive? The answer is that they might be. But they might just be an attacking team that is very deficient. And vice versa, a team that only lets a few goals in might be a defensive side, or they might be an attacking side that puts so much pressure on opponents that they drive them back and restrict the chances opponents get to score. The 'balance' of a side is quite a nuanced thing - sometimes attack is the best form of defence. Just as possession and control are often the hallmarks of a defensive side and not an attacking one, it is dangerous to start assuming one factor is indicative of anything.

There is also an assumption that attacking sides end up with very high-scoring matches that are close - 4-3, 3-2 etc. But I suspect that with many attacking sides you will see matches with higher goal difference that reflect approaches that are high-risk but highly successful when they work (4-0, 0-3 etc). After all if attacking approaches were not ever conclusively dominant nobody would ever play them. So in many ways it's really a question of risk - what do you risk by being attacking, and what do you risk missing out on if you are defensive?

The problem as I see it is that human nature tends towards the same heuristics that are assumed - it is simply orthodox thought that good sides attack, bad sides defend. This makes me suspicious. What do we see by examining outcomes in this mindset? - rather unsurprisingly we see a natural extrapolation of that status quo. If your qualification of an attacking side is one that scores a lot and lets in a lot of goals, you will find an endless supply of data that confirms your own bias.

The practical issue with any team looking at their balance between attacking and defence is often one of imperfect knowledge. At the start of the season, how do you know if you're one of the good sides or one of the bad ones? Actually how do you know you're more attacking or more defensive without knowledge of future opponents? And even more importantly how do you transform yourself from a potentially bad side to a potentially good one? To what extent does assuming you are a bad side condemn you to actually be one? Of course if you are a bad side who beat the odds to be a good side, the victor's history will never acknowledge that you were a bad side in the first place.

For emphasis: If you outperform based on an attacking outlook, you become one of the 'good sides' who should always be attacking, if you underperform based on a defensive outlook, you become one of the 'bad sides' who should always be defensive.

From the poker world that I spent many years at the heart of, the same orthodoxy basically existed. An expansive style was considered very dangerous and really rather reckless, except for those who succeeded with it who were labelled the 'elite' or the 'hawks' who were a level above the norm, so able to operate the expansive style. Those of more average ability or below were considered to be most successful with a 'tight' style, with low risks and minor gains befitting their lower ability. Any evidence of deviation from these basic beliefs was considered an outlier usually explainable by luck. Or in my opinion, by an absolute refusal to understand the benefits of risk to any strategy. For a game that at the higher levels is the domain of some incredibly intelligent people, it seemed riddled with erroneous 'groupthink'.

Like poker, I believe the best strategy in football is almost always a mixed strategy. One that tweaks itself towards the strengths of opponents and the situation. There are times when out and out attack is beneficial, others where a defensive outlook may help. And of course in football perhaps most importantly this depends on the playing staff you can bring to a club or produce. If for example your Summer budget can be spent better on attacking strength, an attacking outlook may be better.

A note also on 'random outcomes' - I think this is a bit of a logical trap. As I wrote earlier, it is largely undisputed that in lower-scoring games there's a higher chance of random outcomes. But it does not follow that a weaker side should always focus only on those random outcomes - it is assumed. For a random outcome to be a random outcome, there has to be a better and a worse side - a defensive side reflects this orthodoxy, where an attacking side might redraw what the orthodox view is. So relying on random outcomes is the result of a defensive outlook - if we focus on that we are only ever measuring the success of defensive outlooks and not attacking ones. I agree that attacking sides rely less on random outcomes and more on applying and improving their own skills. But that does not mean that one approach is better or worse.

One more point - even if I thought it were true that a 'bad side' should have a more defensive outlook in any campaign, what must be considered is the benefit of the alternatives that go beyond mere results. Let's say that a promoted side comes into the Premiership with a 20% chance of survival with an attacking style, and a 50% chance of survival with a defensive style. This does not necessarily mean that the defensive style is more beneficial in the longer term. It depends what the attacking style brings in terms of the status of the club, prize money for higher places, ability to attract players and fans, ie how much survival in either model sets you up for sustained success in the future. A heuristic that may or may not be true is that if you build with a defensive model, you struggle to ever progress beyond that coinflip for survival. And if you drop a division, you will need to rediscover an attacking style in order to win at the lower level again.

So, that's a bunch of thoughts on what conceptually is a very complicated subject I think, maybe an unknowable one. It's one of those subjects where the benefits of clear thinking and an understanding of the pitfalls of unclear thinking are everything. That's what makes it interesting.

Brickerbot is mysterious antimalware that nukes badly secured Internet of Shit devices

New Post has been published on https://worldupdatereviews.com/brickerbot-is-mysterious-antimalware-that-nukes-badly-secured-internet-of-shit-devices/

Brickerbot is mysterious antimalware that nukes badly secured Internet of Shit devices

The Mirai Computer virus is a seemingly unstoppable piece of malware that objectives the garbage-security Net of factors gadgets which have proliferated via the world; those gadgets then used to deliver similarly unstoppable floods of traffic that endanger whole countries.

Bricker Both Devices

Because Mirai (and its cousins) use your gadgets to goal different humans, you would possibly never even know that your machine is destroying the sector.

For the beyond a week, safety researcher Pascal Geenens has been tracking what seems to be a vigilante reaction to this threat, a competing Bug he is dubbed “Bricker both,” which infects these insecure IoT gadgets and renders them completely inoperable. Bricker both is mutating rapid, with 4 versions performing in per week, every more effective than the final.

Bricker both appears to be a botnet hosted on thousands of inclined gadgets that are spared euthanasia just so they could function executioners.

There are different vigilante botnets competing with it: Hajime has infected at least 10,000 gadgets, and is a successor, of kinds, to the Watch botnet, which shut down susceptible devices in 2015.

Pascal Geenens, the researcher who first documented what he calls the everlasting denial-of-service botnet, has dubbed the fiercest new example BrickerBot.3. It appeared out of nowhere on April 20, exactly one month after BrickerBot.1 first surfaced. Now not handiest did a BrickerBot.3 mount miles faster wide variety of attacks—with 1,295 attacks coming in just 15 hours—it used a changed attack script that added numerous instructions designed to more completely shock and awes its goals. BrickerBot.1, through assessment, fired 1,895 volleys all through the four days it turned into lively, and the nevertheless-active BrickerBot.2 has spit out near 12 assaults consistent with the day. “Similar to BrickerBot.1, this attack was a brief however excessive burst,” Geenens informed Ars. “Shorter than the four days BrickerBot.1 lasted, but even more extreme. The assaults from BrickerBot.three came in on a specific honeypot than the only that recorded BrickerBot.1. There may be, however, no correlation between the gadgets used inside the preceding assault versus the ones on this assault.”

Instructions accomplished through BrickerBot.3 are identical to the ones completed by way of BrickerBot.1 except for several new ones that placed new methods into the background until all resources are exhausted.

Quickly after BrickerBot.three started out attacking, Geenens determined BrickerBot.four. Together, the 2 newly found times have attempted to attack gadgets inside the research honeypot close to 1,400 instances in less than 24 hours. Like BrickerBot.1, the newcomer botnets are made up of IoT gadgets jogging an outdated model of the Dropbear SSH server with the public, geographically dispersed IP addresses. the ones two traits lead Geenens to suspect the attacking devices are poorly secured IoT gadgets themselves that someone has compromised and used to completely take out further unsecured devices. Geenens, of safety firm Radware, has more information here.

I woke up this morning packed with sadness, it’s miles the 22nd, and Doomsday has No longer arrived. To mention I experience let down is a sarcasm, in place of looking out the window and seeing an ash included sky, fires raging and those screaming inside the streets, it is raining and there are 2 pigeons gambling with a squirrel, oh what sickening torment is that this? I’m stunned and mortified that those bloody historical Mayans, with much less era than the circle of relatives of 10 in a council flat down the street, had been Not able to make a prediction hundreds of years into the destiny. How could they get it incorrect? Read the celebrities, stare off into the area, take a chunk of ayahuasca, and let infant Jesus manual you via the future while gently stroking your hand so you don’t freak out.

To mention I feel let down is an underestimation, I went out and acquired a family size p.C. of first-rate streets, I put on my new footwear so I may want to outrun the looters, and that I shaved so the Messiah wouldn’t think I was a hobo, how fast one’s dreams can be shattered. Now we understand it is not the stop of the arena, and I’m left with yolk on my face, and I’m embarrassed besides. So where to from right here? How do I fill my life with reason, what is there to sit up for since the Mayans let us all down? The only achievable way out of this I will consider, is to put down my very own prediction, and one which is much more likely to come back actual Due to the fact I did technology and stuff in college.

Get out your Clever telephones and set a reminder for the morning before the cataclysmic occasion, so you recognize the day earlier than it takes place, and Not at the day while it is too overdue (works with birthdays too). Ebook the day without work, do not make plans for the following weekend, inventory up on cigarettes (they will be the brand new currency), construct a bomb safe haven, and the day earlier than, exit and purchase masses of meals and water, or just a gun so that you can take different people’s food and water. If you do not, you would possibly end up having to consume your family, we’ve all been there and it’s Not a laugh, Not initially anyway.

In this day a meteor will come flying in from outer space, invisible to us Due to the fact it’s far very, very sneaky. Terrific volcanoes will erupt spewing ash into the air with the intention to cover the sun for 100 years, earthquakes deep within the ocean will purpose tsunamis that allow you to wipe out 70% of the land, there can be a huge solar flare which smothers us in radiation, and only for that very last kick within the pants, a virus will mutate and flip us all into boil blanketed comfortable messes.

Why this date? And why is all this shit gonna kick off on one day? Nicely, it’s less dramatic if things take the time to go wrong, but mainly Due to the fact the planets will all line up with our galaxies black hole, and Remarkable gravity will make shit cross crazy.

I realize what your thinking, he’s right! but for the doubters available, I recognize these items Because I took hundreds of acid in my Twenties, and the swirly colors informed me so. Also, it simply kinda popped into my head, like fate or something. I understand after the numerous let downs of the past, it will be hard to take inventory in my prediction, but I don’t have any doubt you may position your query marks apart and include my beliefs as your very own, you cannot deny that date rings true someway, you could sense it on your intestine, and Additionally that part of the mind which deals in irrational questioning.

You spot! I advised you it become coming! Now Jesus is right here, doomsday is upon us, the aliens are taking on animals by two, and you’re No longer geared up! You were too busy gambling your games, operating your jobs, plowing your fields, and now Jesus says he isn’t always gonna wait, and your caught here with the pestilence, and the nuclear wintry weather and what Now not, and I am heading off to Gliese 581G to make sure the survival of the human race, and baby alien Jesus says I will be high-quality, ’cause I pay attention, and I stockpiled all my shit, and now I am the only sharing out snack length candies for special favors, who’s crazy now?! Huh, who’s GODDAM loopy NOW!?!

P.S. I have a safe house for retaining large display screen T.V’s and gadgets, in addition to a giant safe for coins, In case you want me to look after your shit, e-mail me and that I promise to maintain it securely.

Bulimia to B.E.D. - A journey

To me it makes complete and total sense, but I guess to others it doesn’t. This became so very clear to me when I was discussing having an eating disorder with a friend a last summer. She said to me “Do you still consider yourself to have an eating disorder?” The subtext being, how can you have an eating disorder?? You’re fat. 

I get it I’m not thin. But it really made me think. 

My entire life I’ve had an eating disorder, this actually just occurred to me. In my earliest memories I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I’ve always considered myself to be fat, as long as I can remember. When I was hospitalized at age 17 and 19 for malnutrition I thought I was fat. When I look at pictures of myself from about 10 years ago I see my arms with that sickly thin look, but I remember that day and I remember thinking if I could just loose 10 more pounds I would be “ok” not “thin” but “ok.” Whatever it is that “ok” means, I don’t think I really had any idea what this dream of “ok” I was seeking was then. Either way “ok” means something different now, something healthier. 

So like I said I’ve always thought I was fat even when I wasn’t. It started pretty early, elementary school I would say in 3rd or 4th grade. I developed faster than a lot (actually all) of the girls in my very small school. I had big ole titties by age 10, as well as womanly hips and I was nearly my full grown height of 5′7″ at that age as well. I was teased and of course it hurt, I was very susceptible to this type of teasing due to events in my early childhood I may discuss at some point but not now because it isn’t the point. Just believe me when I say some people are more susceptible than others. The idea that something was WRONG with my body was cemented in very early. 

By the time I got to middle school anorexia and bulimia where starting to get a lot of news coverage. I heard about bulimia and instead of recognizing it for the sickness that it was it seemed like just the thing to help me finally fix my body. I couldn’t make myself stop needing food to live, buy I could eat and purge it right out. At first it was hard, I would put my fingers down my throat to bring on a gag and a heave, but eventually it was like I conditioned my mind that this is simply what is done after eating. I could simply think gross thoughts and boom express upchuck. I lived on a farm miles from other people in all directions. I would take long walks in the evening and void myself away from home so no one would notice. I could usually manage most of the school day without eating at all so that wasn’t much of an issue, but if I felt the need to evacuate I would simply wait in the bathroom until it was empty. I was often accused of hanging out in there to listen to other people’s conversations. 

By high school I was experimenting with chemical intervention to further restrict my calorie intake. I took my brothers ADHD medication and would happily buy it off students who didn’t want to take it. My levels of anxiety grew and grew. The only things that made me feel “better” where purging and partying. I was a high acheiver but antisocial, I had good grades and kept to myself so I was completely unnoticed by most of my peers and most of my own family as well. During my sophomore year I had my first “episode.” I told my parents I just CANT handle IT anymore!!!! What it was that I couldn’t handle? I couldn’t really tell them because I didn’t really know. I was just sure I was going crazy and I needed help. My parents took me to our family doctor, through a blood test he found me to be malnourished and I spent the night in the hospital getting IV nutrition and a psych consult. My doctor told me I was malnourished because I ate too much junk food and not enough healthy fruits and vegetables. He never once asked about my eating habits, at 150 pounds I was actually overweight. He told me if I made healthier choices with my food I would feel better emotionally and I would also be able to maintain a healthy weight. The psych doctor at the hospital told me I was depressed, and prescribed Prozac and weekly therapy session. My parents insurance covered 6 session which I attended but accomplished absolutely nothing. 6 sessions isn’t enough to build trust let alone fix the depression I was diagnosed with, or the eating disorder no one noticed. 

When I say no one noticed BELIEVE me when I say that. No one. Not a single person noticed. And do you know why? Because we have this image that the media has put into our head of the person suffering with bulimia. That person is a waif. So thin a stiff breeze would knock her over. Even malnourished, light headed, heart racing at the slightest exertion I was no waif. I was skin and bone in size 10 jeans. I understand this will be hard to accept. My parents didn’t notice, my friends didn’t notice, my doctor didn’t notice. I was starving to death, wasting away. You know what my friends are parents did notice? My very slim friend, who did not have an eating disorder. I was told many many times that it was my duty as best friend to this thin person that I intervene and help her because she was so thin she must have an eating disorder. This very much reinforced for me the idea that PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE THIN. If I could just be thin enough then someone would care enough to notice. 

Time passed. I kept right on bingeing and purging and partying. I finished high school, early actually. Moved out and turned up the volume on my unhealthy lifestyle. Malnourishment plus drug abuse and Prozac with a side of my boyfriend left me for his ex-girlfriend equals a suicide attempt and back to the hospital we go. This time as an adult I was treated to a 3 day observation period. My malnourishment was diagnosed as being caused by my drug abuse. Schizoprenia now replaced my diagnosis of depression. At a healthy weight of 145 pounds not a question was asked about my eating habits, or lack thereof. I see pictures of myself then, and I look sick. My face is gaunt, my skin is bad, my eyes are dark and vacant. When my face becomes gaunt I think that I look like a man, someone told me once I looked like a horse (it’s funny how the hurt sticks isn’t it). All these people who were supposed to care about me supposed to look out for me, they looked at the number on the scale and said well that’s healthy it must be something else. 

So I moved back home, I laid off the drugs for a year or so. I gained back about 30 pounds. I withdrew and tried in some way to heal myself. I was frail but I was holding it together. I had a job, it was drugs and drinking on weekends, eating only one meal a day and not purging, hating my body. This was my normal. Then I met a boy, of course it’s always a boy. This man-boy introduced me to a new and wonderful drug called methamphetamine. What made it different from all the other drugs was the EUPHORIA that and it turns up your metabolism that you lose weight twice as fast as if you are simply starving yourself. So back down the rabbit hole I went. Fast forward 18 months, a shot-gun wedding and a still-born son later and here I am. Now I actually am depressed. I’m 22 years old, I’m married to a man I knew for 2 months who has turned out to be incredibly abusive, I’ve buried firstborn and I realize I do really need to make a change. I stopped doing drugs completely and I stop purging. I cut way back on my drinking and make a real effort to eat at least 2 meals a day. I try to “fix” my husband because I am deeply in love with his daughter who lives with us. With both of her parents are far more into the drug scene that I ever was I feel like it’s my duty to protect her. And I really do want a family. I suppose I figured if I couldn’t have the family I needed when I was young I can build that family and have a different role in it. I can be the loving mother I never had, and I can CHANGE my abusive husband into the involved father I never had. I can have another son and give my step-daughter a healthy sibling relationship. 

Surprise, you can’t change or fix people who don’t want to be fixed or changed. I did have a son, who is the light of my life. However, after 7 years of physical and emotional abuse and constantly being cheated on I realized I couldn’t put any more energy into fixing this “man.” It was killing me. Though I didn’t realize it at the time I had completely replaced drug/alchohol problems with a food problem. When I was at home alone while my husband was out doing whatever/whoever he was doing I sat at home so full of sadness an worry. As I had sworn off drugs and getting drunk with the kids around there was food. The binge and purge cycle came back. When he was home and I was walking on eggshells trying not to set him off food was always there, cooking provided busy work and eating would reduce my anxiety, I couldn’t purge with him home. I was afraid it would bring on his rage, because he would certainly hear me through our paper thin walls. 

Having to constantly sacrifice and forgive is really really hard, it drains you, you start to feel like you don’t matter. Sometimes I wondered if I was real. I would play a game where I wouldn’t speak for days at a time. Just to see how long I could go before anyone noticed (3 days is my record by the way). I started thinking about dying a lot, how if it wasn’t for my children no one would notice. By the time I left my ex-husband I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW how to be happy anymore.  To make it worse after we split and I’d had 2 weekend visits, to punish me into submission my ex-husband refused to let me see my former step-daughter. I cried and cried thinking of how she must feel like I abandoned her, how I had clung so hard for so long to try to give her a happy life and how I had failed miserably. I can’t talk too much about her because I feel so emotional, but just believe me when I tell you that I still love her and wish I could be a part of her life. That was the final straw really, so I guess he “won” in punishing me. The guilt and sadness and grief of losing my step-daughter sent me into a serious drinking spiral. I hooked up with a guy at a bar, two years later I moved in with him and I realized I was making all the same mistakes I had been before. 

Instead of being physically abusive this new fellow was a narcissist. He was a master of gaslighting. It was impossible to purge because he was always around. He was also very particular about knowing where I was ALL of the time. I remember once I was about 10 minutes later than usual getting home. He demanded for HOURS that I tell him why I was late. I really didn’t even have a reason. It was 10 minutes. But somehow he made me feel like I was the one who was being crazy for not having a reasonable explanation for 10 minutes if my day, instead of him being crazy for demanding I answer him. If I was in the shower to long I kid you not he questioned me about it. He had me so convinced that something was wrong with me that I started seeing a therapist about 1 year into our relationship. I was very very fortunate to find my therapist. I came across her by coincidence, I was looking for a therapist that had evening office hours so that I didn’t have to miss work and after a short wait on her list I got in to see her. 

My main complaints were general unhappiness, angriness, being distracted, feeling overwhelmed but not really doing anything. I knew she was the right therapist for me when I told her about feeling overwhelmed, feeling pressure to get all of these things done and then not doing anything, feeling unable to do anything. She said to me that people often feel this way when they are dealing with a great deal of anxiety. It was like someone had finally given me permission to admit what was really wrong. One of the things that gives me the most anxiety is talking about my anxiety so it was really important for me to hear it from someone else. Especially after hearing from other doctors that my problems were anything but anxiety. I was finally able to talk to someone about how I coped with my anxiety first in life with bulimia and later by bingeing. She gave a name to what I was dealing with. She told me what I was feeling was real, that I wasn’t alone! She encouraged me to attend over-eaters anonymous and I did and truly experienced that I wasn’t alone. She worked with my patiently, she truly listened to what I was saying. We did hard hard work together. Though it’s a continual struggle she taught me coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety and therefore to reduce my urge to binge. She taught me how to have self-worth, which was something no one had ever told me before. She proved to me that I mattered and that I deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. With her help I learned how to create a support system or people for myself and for her I am forever grateful. With her help I know consider myself in recovery and getting better every day. 

So when my friends asks me if I still feel like I have an eating disorder (even if the sub context is that they don’t think so because I’m fat) I tell them the truth. Yes, I am in recovery. I see it as an opportunity to be an example for people that having an eating disorder doesn’t always look the way you think it does. I see it as an opportunity to spread awareness about B.E.D. so that maybe someday that friend can reach out to a friend in need. Back when I was in the throws of bulimia and B.E.D. I can imagine that my response would have been crazy, there would have been screaming, and crying, and incomplete sentences. The true gift of recovery is peace. For me peace is calmness inside of me that allows me to spread a message that is helpful instead of crazy.