hey friends! 🤗 out of curiosity, where else are you online?

(don't worry, im not leaving! just wanna know what alternatives people are trying)

Heyy me again so about the creepypasta thing, I just wondered if you can do Ben drowned with a gen z reader platonically? It's okay if your uncomfortable doing it ><

Ben drowned x gen z!reader (platonic!)

not uncomfortable at all! love that im getting ben drowned requests since i enjoy him a lot and kind of want to write for him more; just strictly platonic ..which reminds me, i need to draw him again soon! gonna answer this then take a break and get back to requests yipe!

admin is still sold on the idea of ben being confined to electronics most of the time so i can easily see him gaining access to your devices so he can pester you whenever he wants; though this may get a little annoying since youre... well still alive! you have a life

whether or not the reader is a creepypasta themselves or is a normal person is up to you! i think both can work, though i must say the idea of the reader being just some random person is really funny. like can you imagine? you get some haunted virus but the ghost is chill an you guys become friends

i do think ben can only mess with devices, i dont think he can mess with like. any internet browser stuff.... which segways me to my next idea; the og creepypasta came out in 2010, majoras mask came out in 2000, so putting it in the middle lets say ben died in 2005.. bro has missed a lot. youre going to have to fill him in on a lot of stuff, and boy let me tell you hes going to be going nuts

tell him about the new legend of zelda games. i think he would be hyped. throwing admins hc of ben being sick and tired of LOZ due to being trapped in the game out the window, admin needs this boy to get joyous!

he probably pesters you and asks you about the dumbest shit, does it on purpose because he thinks its funny

sometimes you guys play video games together, bro is absolutely astounded by how far games have come since he passed away. i think he would go insane over five nights at freddys. fill him in on the lore

going back on the video game stuff and playing together, just know that hes going to break the game and cheat + hes a sore loser, soooooooo...

do you think sometimes he comes and tries to spend time with you more and more over time because hes been stuck for years and hasnt really had many people to talk to? like yeah hes an angry spirit, but even angry spirits deserve friends!!!

ponders

probably messes with you by messing with your recordings if youre trying to make a video/tiktok/reel/what have you

probably interjects his own texts into your posts, never really says anything harmful, just messes with spelling or adds dumb messages

honestly its not your SM account/blog, its yalls shared account/blog now/j

stuck with old 2000s humor but i think he would absolutely love present day humor and how unhinged its gotten, though quick warning hes going to start quoting stuff

definitely quotes the sticking out your gyatt thing, hes going to drive you insane with it and hes going to laugh at you

do not play roblox tycoons with him hes going to bully small children

you guys play a horror game together on roblox and you can hear him freaking out through the speakers (likely using an old device for him so youre not fighting for control over one device)

absolutely DEVASTED when you tell him club penguin shut down

just know hes punching the metaphorical wall

on the rare chance ben is able to pull himself into the real world for a brief period of time, you guys probably do the same stuff hes just physically there for a short time!

make him touch grass while hes out, bro hasnt touched grass in nearly 20 years. this isnt even a haha "hes chronically online" joke, he hasnt actually touched grass in years due to circumstances

closing this with a hit of angst that made me go :( but imagine that it starts out as you guys being around the same age (well... close enough, since ben doesnt age anymore due to being a ghost) but overtime, you obviously grow up and have less and less time for him and :(

like owie

"what happened to us? we used to be best friends?" audio but its you two SOBS AND CRIES

Heres the thing. obviously i understand how it feels when you spend hours upon hours and years upon years on your creations and they get almost no engagement or interest. and it has been said a million times before how you shouldn't base your self worth on social media responses and all. lets just say not everyone can flip a switch in their brain and say 'i dont care and will not pay attention to this anymore'. we all want to be seen and heard even if it comes in the form of numbers of likes and shares. and im not touching on the reality that if you want to make money off your art you need engagement because that's a whole different thing entirely.

the reality is that theres a lot of people on the internet and people curate their online profiles on what appeals to them. there are few people who will share art just for the love of the game frankly. people will share what fits their 'theme' or their fandoms and interests and not much aside from this. and if you don't create works that broadly appeal to a very high number of people your numbers will plummet. if you aren't creating works that make 10.000 people laugh/relate/want to have your work on their profile you won't get 10.000 shares and it doesn't reflect on you as an artist or as a person. its also why text posts/memes always get much more engagement than artworks. it's just easier to relate to a funny text post than to a piece of art (no matter the 'skill level' or whatever).

heres what i think and what concerns me. more often than not the amount of attention you get is never going to be enough if you focus on numbers. someone who routinely gets 10k shares will often be distressed that one of their pieces only got 5k shares. and so on and so forth. i personally think people need to focus on making community with peers. truth is that 1 person who is genuinely engaged and interested in your stuff is better than 100 people who press share and forget about it, no? if you engage with other people's creations and lift them up you will notice they will probably do the same for you! try to make friends (or at least internet neighbors. you know im too shy to befriend people so i understand) share and comment on other peoples stuff in your circle and you will start making mutual connections and start enjoying art more. obviously some people don't care to engage with other people and that's fine. you will find people who do! i just think focusing on numbers instead of community is not healthy. its like. if i go into inspect element and enter 100000 likes and shares for my artwork, how is that better? let's say my piece blows up. people will scroll away and forget. but that one mutual you made because you both love each others art and projects isnt gonna forget.

also some stuff i want to say as a guy whos in it for the love of the game.

self rb your art and dont depend on stuff blowing up in a day or whatever. talk about your pieces (if you want to obviously) your process, your ideas etc. talk about what excites you and what you liked in each piece. its easier to be engaged when You are engaged in your own stuff. also im talking about all types of artists sorry if what i wrote feels too visual arts focused i love all art forever

also about ocs and worlds and so on. personally if im scrolling and i see someone talking about their ocs im interested. but i wish it was more common to put info about your ocs in a visible place for people to access. I Will Read All That. people who are interested in your ideas but can't find a write up to understand what you're talking about are probably going to be confused. so like! if you'd like more engagement with your oc content try to make it easy for people to 'jump in'. creating tags for info of your ocs/world/etc is also a good idea (i will read all that). or dont. im not forcing anyone to do anything.

gonna be talkin abt my meds for a bit

so i started adhd medication arounnndd a week ago, maybe. and the effects have honestly been almost immediate and very drastic.

for starters everything is just a lot easier, doing tasks is easier, going to work is easier, staying on task at work is easier...just a lot of tiny things i struggled with before are way easier for me now, i feel.

part of me is like, what if this is a placebo!! and i could always do this, but another part of me is like wow if i wasnt medicated i couldnt have done x or y thing. like i keep finding myself in spots where adhd absolutely would have taken over at this point and made me stop but i just kept going. i have this weird. feeling. inside me a lot more often, like...my blood is jelly or something, sorry if that sounds weird but i cant explain it better, so i definitely dont think the meds are fake or anything like that, but it was something i was worried about.

however even if they WERE fake (for some reason), i think what really makes the difference is just knowing i have something thats helping me out in my daily life. living with adhd sucked so bad, but it sucked even worse when i realized i had it because it was like, there was nothing i could do! but now i KNOW i have medication and i know things will be fine if i keep taking them and i KNOW if something weird happens i have my doctor's visit at the end of the month so im just. so much more relaxed about things.

....thats another thing, i used to be so so so anxious about random stuff all the time, labor over every interaction i had either online or off, spend 10+ minutes debating on when to send a message and if what im saying is okay, but that doesnt happen anymore, in fact ive been talking to a ton of new people lately and its easier than ever to just go up to someone and say hi. I had a whole ass convo with my coworker about stuff i honestly wasnt that into, but i was still alert and engaged in the discussion, that's literaly never happened before!!

theres still things im struggling with and problems i still have that medication cant just. whisk away or anything, but i dont mind taking the time to work things out, im at the start of my medication journey and the doctors were saying yeah the root of your anxiety and even deppressive episodes can be traced back to the ADHD, so dealing with one can fix the others and that tracks to me i guess. overall though im currently in suuucuh a better mental place than i was at the start of the year where it was just breakdown after breakdown

thing are different, things are better!! its such a liberating thing to think and say but its the truth lmao

before i head to bed i have one last ramble post to make here we go

so for years ive had this on and off idea of becoming a teacher, specifically an art teacher. ive always loved art Obviously but ive also really always enjoyed sharing my knowledge of art with other people. i think being a teacher fits me to some degree yeah?

the thing is im not sure if its..a good? idea? to step into a new career path at this point of my life. i mean like not bc of age, im only 26 lol, but because ive worked So Hard to be some sort of animation industry professional, for Years, that it feels like almost a waste of time if i just change career paths like that? and i know thats not a very healthy way to think about it but thats where im at

in addition you apparently have to have a bachelor's degree and let me tell you. i do Not want to go to college, especially when im not 100% sold on the idea of being a teacher. if theres some way for me to get a teaching certificate license without having to go through a wholeass four year college course then great i'll consider it but right now this is more of a fleeting dream than anything else u_u

the reason im thinking about all this is b/c like..idk. being a small, small artist online is hard. i enjoy it 90% of the time! i love drawing cartoons for people and making them happy while making money at the same time. its fun. but i make Not A Lot of money, and every single month i get stressed right around this time b/c i usually dont have enough for rent yet. it usually works out, ive only had to have help a couple times (this month will..probably be included in that unfortunately), but overall i enjoy what i do. that being said, i long for a job/career that i can rely on to get me by more smoothly than this, yknow?

i want to buy my wife a bigger space. id love a house one day. id love a car. id love to buy little luxuries from time to time. like i used to buy my favorite db figs every now and then but i havent done that for two years. i rarely buy little treats like that for myself anymore bc 1) we dont have the space and 2) i feel like rent and food are more important and i have to spend my money on important things now. we barely even have enough to go to conventions or take vacations to a beach for two days out of the year. it's rough out here [note: i do not regret moving out when i did btw. i needed to for growth and boy have i grown like its insane, i love the person i am now. im just saying i do struggle a lot still with other things]

anyway yeah. i dont like to think about Giving Up my current aspirations of becoming some popular artist and making a living doing what i do right now (just more comfortably). but im starting to feel like if i want to improve our quality of life im gonna have to do that u_u idk

✧ Do you agree with reblog karma or is it forced interaction?

salty mun questions ; accepting

as usual im gonna take an inbetween position because i cant help but see both sides having been on both sides. those both sides being "i believe in ask karma because its only fair and it helps the community feel more connected" and "no one is entitled to me sending them asks, and im not entitled to anyone else sending me asks".

my opinion of ask karma is: if you really strictly enforce ask karma and get on peoples case for it all the time, youre kinda being entitled to people's time and energy. maybe need to consider if you put in any effort sending people stuff too? its a two way street, of course! people are more likely to reciprocate if you take the initiative.

on the other hand, i also understand the frustration when you reblog memes and everyone on the dash goes ahead and reblogs it from the source (like you wont notice lololol) and then NO ONE SENDS ANYONE ANY ASKS. its def an awkward moment when that happens and it makes me a little sad like, damn are we really all that shy and socially awkward? i guess we are, since we are on tumblr and not on other social media.

also, theres the fact that not every ask prompt out there is going to work for every single interaction. ic ask prompts tend to be a little more tricky than ooc prompts. an ooc prompt you can send without much thought or commitment, but if you send an ic ask, you gotta figure out what is the most ic option, and what would work best for the dynamic at hand.

maybe the person reblogged an ask that centers mainly around romantic dynamics, only you dont have a dynamic like that with their muse, and dont want to be presumptive by sending something in. it would be kinda weird to expect ask karma in situations like that.

and there is an expectation to continue threads from asks -- maybe you dont want to send anymore ic asks for a little because youre already swamped with your own ic responses you have to do? been there. and also if youre like me, you spend a lot more time in drafts or the inbox than actually scrolling the dash, so its pretty easy to miss when people reblog certain memes.

so like...it kinda depends? we should all make an effort to interact with each other and give each other opportunities to write. roleplay is collaborative. if i wanted to scream into the void i would just do that on facebook or twitter.

but also i think its healthy to remember that sometimes ask prompts are pretty..... hit or miss. not because of the actual quality of the meme, but because they can be sometimes too vague to work for some muses, or too specific. how many asks you get often has a lot less to do with how engaged people actually are in your blog, or how much they like or dont like you, and more to do with what time you post the meme, how many people are online, and how many people are actually actively scrolling the dash, how much youve engaged with your mutuals previously, and how many people are looking to send asks!

honestly i think the best solution as always is really just .... communicating and treating people how you wish to be treated. if you want asks, send asks when you can! and if you ever want me to send you prompts from a specific meme, or you want me to reblog a certain meme so you can send in something, all you gotta do is ask! im totally cool with rp partners pointing out a meme they reblogged and asking me to send something/reblog it, i feel like thats a lot more straight forward than just sitting in each of our corners and hoping someone is brave enough to send something lololol

im so sick of my parents im so sick of livng here im so sick of the house im so sick of always needing help with everything because my confidence has been crushed i have no actual lifeskills and i have no real life experience that would be helpful. i also kinda feel like mom is deliberately keeping me here for ome reason. like. tldr mom and dad were verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and just basic neglectful, in different flavours i got ignored a lot by my parents and immediate family, and i got bullied in shcool w no support whatsoever and i only just about 2 years ago got rid of the most debilitating parts of my ocd and im still recovering. and im stuck in a house i bought while i was so dissociated i was astral projecting into hell in broad daylight daily. its not the worst lifechoice ever but i literally cant afford to renovate it with my monthly 800-ish dollars (give or take im converting, diff country) that also go to groceries and food for me and the cats. and the leftover money from the loan was already used on fixing something really expensive we werent informed about at all before i bought it so its not like i can fix much else unless insurance says hey heres your money back. not to mention i cant really go anywhere. the house is almost an hour from any nearby city and i have to take a train just to buy groceries so its not like i can go to the library whenever i want or anythng like that. im more or less disabled, i only have so much energy, i dont wanna spend 4-8 hours just to buy milk dependingon what time of day i go. in summer theres no trains at all so im actually stuck at home unless i get a ride home. like sorry its more of a vent than a confession but it feels like mom and dad are trying to slowburn kill me. which isnt neccessarily true but how do i fucking know for sure. i cant go to school, i cant get a job, i cant go to therapy, i cant go anywhere, i dont have a car, i barely have money as bills and food take up most of it, i have to take a train to get to the city so grocery shopping takes either 3 hours or 8. i cant even go to the fcking library. i cant visit my grandmas. i cant make friends and i couldnt hang out with them if i did have any who the fuck wants to take a train for half an hour to visit me. i cant join a group at the local bakery or do stuff. my parents dont even fucking visit unless theyre gonna do something to the house and dad has visited three times since i moved in. like. it could be worse. but im stuck with nothing to do on a daily basis in a house i dont want and cant afford to fix but arent allowed by mom to sell, i cant figure out what to do with my life or how to get out of this and theres no support to be found anywhere, they dont call or text or even visit just to see me and im not even sure i want them to anymore. i spent the past year grieving my childhood and coming to terms witht he fact that im straight up not wanted by anyone. noone actually cares that i exist except sme online frends and my cats. it sometimes feels like im a bug they put a glass ove rand theyr just waiting for me to use up all the oxygen so they can throw me out instead of having to use a flyswatter themselves. i just wanna move out and get a place i actually like living in and can afford somwhere i can actually access shit i wanna do. and get therapy and make friends. instead of whatever the fuck it is im doing now.

it’s really funny that I only went out today to buy a monthly bus pass because I have to go back to work at the office tomorrow, but then the universe decided that I should get hit by a car while crossing the intersection on foot (the pedestrian light is on btw, I had the right to cross), got my ankle badly sprained, my snow boot ruined when the weather is -13 Celsius outside, and made me have to use an ambulance to get to the hospital to make sure no bones were broken in the middle of a pandemic. I now work from home tomorrow once again, but I also have to pay $45 ambulance fee. this is definitely going on the record for worst new year, thank you 2022 for this fun and exciting car accident. 

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

text || alison & aaron

Discord text thread featuring: aaron & @alison-haynes

When: december 16

Mentions: @quentindelancret​ @ronnieroy @wtf-eden @lemonkiaiyo

Description: aaron spills his guts about quentin to alison and alison asks aaron for advice about lemon 

TW: -

Alison.

I know you’re spending the night Christmas Eve, so we can do Christmas morning together. Do you want to stay for Christmas dinner? Or are you heading to your moms?

Aaron.

maybe I’ll ask my mom and Ireland to your place?

by the way. Eden and Ronnie are staying with me for a bit. Just so you know who’s here when Des is here. Ronnie’s apartment was broken into and Eden needs some space from her boyfriend

Alison.

yes, that’s fine with me! I’d love to have them here.

I love Eden and Ronnie. Thanks for letting me know though. Are they both doing okay?

Aaron.

Ronnie is shaken up and Eden is just stressed. I think it’s good for them to be together though lol they’re something else when they’re together

Alison.

Well they are lucky to have you helping them out

Aaron.

also

I have another thing to tell you

like get off my chest

don’t judge me plz

Alison.

oh boy

go for it

Aaron.

so I um

remember when I told you about Quentin and how I wanted him to meet Des and you told me to figure out how I feel about him

well

it unfortunately hit me up side the head after the holiday party. I know he’s in love with me and I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. Thing is...last night I took him out for his birthday at throuple. Some of our friends were there including Roman and I snuck off to get drunk and flirt with Roman AT Q’S BDAY PARTY. And I feel soooo terrible about it

Alison.

*ugh emoji*

if you’re in love with him, do you want it to turn into something,

Aaron.

hey I told you you couldn’t judge me

I’m not sure.

no I like being single

Alison.

I’m not judging

How do you love someone and not want to do something about it?

Aaron.

a lot of reasons

I love my freedom and being single

and I don’t want to hurt him. I think it might be better for us to just stay the way we are and not put any restrictive label on it

Alison.

I don’t know. If I loved someone, i think it’d probably hurt more to not be together.

but it’s a relationship between you guys, you know what’s best for your two

Aaron.

i don’t know. But I haven’t exactly told him how I feel

and at the holiday party...we were getting really intimate. Like. We’ve had sex before obviously but it felt so much more intense this time

and then I pushed him off of me like a dick because I couldn’t handle it

Alison.

are you going to tell him how you feel?

Yikes...that’s tough. Have you been intimate with him since?

Aaron.

if you count drunk sex as intimacy then yes

and no. i mean...i dont know...if i do things will change with us

Alison.

I feel like things are going to change either way

Aaron.

explaiiinnn

Alison.

with what happened at the holiday party, I feel like that could happen again. If you love him, sex is going to be intense and what if you just can’t have sex with him anymore?  Maybe if your feelings are out there it will make things easier

Aaron.

i cant imagine a world where i can't have sex with him lmao

Alison.

well it’s happened once before, it could just get more intense

Aaron.

https://media.tenor.co/videos/0d5495d03063a544f7f621e8c6a978e6/mp4

Alison. 

just trying to be honest with you

Aaron.

i know

thats why im coming to you with this

Alison.

ultimately it’s your decision, I just feel like if your feelings are on the table it might be better.

Aaron.

im afraid of admitting that to him though

Alison.

are you afraid of it destroying everything? Or afraid of what might come of it?

Aaron.

both

Alison.

I think you should think about it. Like truly think about it. Telling him might have a better outcome than you think it will

Aaron.

ugh okay i hear you

doesnt mean im gonan do it though

Alison.

at least think about it

Aaron.

i hear you, respectfully disagree, but hear you

loll

Alison.

you were scared to start a relationship with Eden when that started up, and that went well. So just remember, relationships aren’t terrible.

Aaron.

it went well bc we acted more like best friends than lovers

Alison.

think about it

Aaron.B

but you're right it wasn't a terrible relationship

okay

ellie is gonna take Des to piano today btw. am i picking her up or are you

Alison.

I can pick her up

also can we talk about that weather on Sunday? Did you know it was supposed to snow?

Aaron.

no clue

hope you stayed warm lmfao

Alison.

I did

I was not expecting to be locked in all day on my birthday though

Aaron.

yeah but im sure you loved an excuse to stay in

im just glad the babysitter was able to keep Des for longer

Alison.

It was a nice day for sure. Best birthday I’ve had in a while

I thought the same thing about the twins. I was stresssing over the thought of the nanny bringing them home in the storm

Aaron.

im glad they're okay

were you alone....or

Alison.

no I wasn’t alone

Aaron.

explainnn

Alison.

Lemon wanted to walk me home from the party, and when we got back I invited him up for coffee and we just talked.....and talked and talked. Next thing I knew it was morning and we were snowed in together

Aaron.

ya'll had cofffffeeeeeeee after a party at a bar?? lmao

Alison.

yes yes we did

no judgement Aaron

Aaron.

hey.

No judgement

just a questionnnnnn

Alison.

it was a great cup of coffee

but speaking about lemon, I need your advice on something

Aaron.

hahaha okay hit me!!

Alison.

1. Do you think I should make a move and ask him to maybe be official? Or should I wait to see if he makes that move?

2. I should keep Christmas gifts for him not too crazy, right? You know I love to spoil people at Christmas

Aaron.

you just met this man like two weeks ago. Less than that. Are you sure you’ve gotten to know him well enough to make it official? What if hes like a murdered or something?

definitely don’t make it crazy. Especially since you’re well off and he’s not. But you could probably buy him some nice things!!

Alison.BOTToday at 3:00 PM

Has it really only been a couple weeks? It feels like it has been longer than that. I can’t explain it Aaron, but something feels right about him. Like, there is something there that I didn’t even feel with the twins father. I know it’s fast, but I just have these feelings that I know I won’t be able to shake anytime soon. Also, he’s too sweet to be a murderer so I’ve ruled that option out. Plus, the world already thinks we’re together, someone shared a photo online of us kissing at the holiday party and paps caught lemon coming into my pent that night

I’m struggling to come up with good ideas for him. I’ve written something for him, and he was telling me about this flower from his native island,  I was thinking about doing research and trying to get him some of those flowers. Is that weird? It’s probably weird.

I don’t want to weird him out

Aaron.

okay well you can't really fairly compare him to the twins' father. he sucks. for like 2345 different reasons. so that not really a great comparison. the pap photos don't surprise me though. have u talked to him about that? like...ngl getting papped for being alison haynes' life takes a lot of getting used to. even for me, and i already had some exposure with rich kids. what did you write for him???? i wanna hear. i think the song and the flower would suffice as a christmas gift, especially considering he might make something for you too ya know?? the flower thing isnt weird, it's really really thoughtful.

Alison.

but I didn’t think he was a tool when I dated him. I thought he was the person I’d spend my entire life with. We all know the truth behind him now. But there is just something I feel for Lemon that I need to explore. We talked a little bit about it at the holiday party after he kissed me, but I did text him today about all of it. Because we’re trending on Twitter. I told him I’d make a public statement and shut it down if that is what he wants. But I’m waiting to hear back from him. I really hope it doesn’t scare him off, but I do know we need to talk about it because it is a lot. I haven’t recorded it yet, but I’ll play it for you next time I see you. You think so? I just don’t want to seem weird.

Aaron.

i think you need to see how he feels about that honestly...because that could be a big thing for him. especially since he grew up so modestly...hes so not used to that

the flower is probably way more thoughtful of a gift that i would ever think of

Alison.

I know. Of course I am going to talk to him about it before I do anything crazy. I'm just nervous it's too much, its too much for a lot of people.

Aaron.

it is, yeah. but i really hope it works out

im gonna have to have a stern talking to him though

Alison.

i do too

oh boy, not the big bad aaron stern talk

Aaron.

tell him to be afraid lmao

Alison.

i'll warn him

just a little vent because im really, really tired, my anxiety’s been kicking my ass hard for the last few weeks, and i just feel on the end of my rope dealing with shit even though i literally said i was doing fine in therapy today (spoiler: im not fine)

i feel like i need to preface myself. let it be known. i do not hate my friends. in fact, i care for them quite a bit. i care about their wellbeing, their happiness and health. i enjoy their friendship, and presence, and spending time with them. what i do hate is pity, myself, and the fact that trauma has made my brain so fucked like this to begin with.

so, long story short, its sad boi times, i’m super fuckin’ lonely and isolated, and the grand idea that i’m always gonna be that way - that i’ll never have a partner or a best friend i can just... lean on, bar nothing, nor a happy fulfilling life really rears its ugly head and hurts like a motherfucker sometimes. nothing new.

a long story long...

so i’m a pretty fucking depressing person in general, right? i’m not pleasant and i know it. i bitch a lot, i’m salty, i’m absolutely not the nicest, and a lot of the time i come off a lot meaner and more bitter than i’d like. i don’t mean to. i try to be positive or to look out for others, y’know? at the end of the day, i’m just like every other person. i just want to be liked. to be wanted. to belong.

most of the time... i never feel that way. and like, y’know? its nobody’s fault, really. i know it’s past abandonment and abuse that makes my brain think everyone actually hates me. but sometimes that feeling is founded, which is i suppose how my brain gets away with still feeling like that to begin with.

i’m forgettable. i’m nobody’s best friend, i don’t think i’m lovable - not likeable either, really - nor partner material though i wish i was, and im so sick of being so fucking lonely all the time. i don’t even think my friends consider me friends generally. i’m not really anyone’s friend, yeah? i’m an acquaintance they have to put up with and tolerate when i inflict myself on them.

you know those memes, that are like always making fun of the weakling, the friend who walks behind everyone or who gets picked last in the group (if they’re included at all), that friend who’s never invited to things, or gets pitied? that’s me.

or debatably worse, means so little that if i just disappeared, it wouldn’t matter even a mote. that one really stings. that one i know for a fact is true, and i don’t mean that in a guilt tripping way. just that it’s the way it is. it really kills me.

and like..... i don’t have any irl friends. i didn’t come from a great background anyway, but i attracted a lot of trouble and negativity and in my own pain i pushed away a lot of people and hid until i didn’t know how to be human anymore, and now i can’t, and im alone. there is literally nobody that would actively come check on me or drag me out of my house if i was feeling down. and i’ve tried. i really tried. it’s hard sometimes, to try. maybe being a narcissist or a serial abuser’s playtoy is the only thing i am good for. and this is even before covid, much less now where everyone’s isolated or else.

the people i can genuinely say i love with all my stupid little heart are all across the country and the world. even people i care about in the same state are hours and hours away across literal mountains. that’s all i’ve got. long distance internet friends. and i feel selfish and terrible because i want more and i hate it.

all of those friends have partners. and if they don’t have partners, they already have their best friends. their irl pals. their communities, and groups, and friend-families and companions and lives and just.... i don’t mean that badly. everyone is more than entitled to their life and happiness and i guess i just....

i wish i was part of that. for someone.

i don’t want to be an obligation to respond to, or just..... someone on the edges. the fringe friend. and with online friends i am, i absolutely am, worse than anything. im something to pity and tolerate when the real time is spent having fun with their actual friends and loved ones. i’m nothing to anybody. i know if i just walked away, just closed down discord, blog, wherever else and vanished, nobody would ... i dont know. they’d just shrug, go ‘eh, whatever’ and move on easy and simple. no worry. no concern. and that’s great for them, but i just... want someone to care on principle. its not the guilt trip of the action. it’s the idea of i wish someone would care if something happened to me.

i hate internet friends because i don’t want them to be internet friends. some of the amazing people i know i just wish i could see, whenever i wanted. that i could hang out with them, bring ice cream and bad movies when they’re sad, see and hear them laugh, and have fun, and care. i wish i could just have a big house and my friends could be housemates, or live in the same apartment block, or a fucking little cottagecore farm commune out in the woods where we can all live off the land and each other and grow crops and animals and just be happy. or just... something. something. but i know i’ll never be included in that. everyone else would go. be happy to see each other. just... without me, the ‘not really a friend’, the fucking acquaintance, the stupid, stupid naive little idiot.

i’m so touch starved and sleep deprived and exhausted. my heart always hurts and i’m so full of anxiety and i just. just desperately, DESPERATELY need a hug, and just to be told “bluu, it’s gonna be okay, you matter to me and i care” but you can’t do that when it isn’t actually true. you just can’t. you can’t fake that.

i know nobody would go to bat for me. i’m alone in my own corner. if i have a breakdown, i have to have it alone and shoulder myself because nobody’s gonna be there at my side. i know i’m always gonna be watching from the sidelines, as everyone else is happy, and doing their thing, and has their family and loved ones and i...... shouldn’t even fucking exist.

and i dont want pity. i dont want platitudes or ‘i’m sorry’ or guilt, or ‘i would but...’ or any of that shit. nobody’s supposed to feel bad over this. i’m not in the business of toxic guilting, and im not in the business of fake friendships. that would defeat the purpose of literally anything.

i just...... really wished i had someone who would hold me up and (platonically or romantically. anything.) go “this one! This is the one I want to keep around for as long as possible, please. i want this one.” 

and no matter how hard i wish and pray, that’s just something i’ll never have, and i know it.

Bro we already follow because of your ur skill, it's honestly Amazing the way you line without sketching and you coloring skills! Everytime you draw something I can tell the character's personality through the way you draw them, and I'm not gonna be surprised when you reach 2,000+ followers based in that alone! You are so amazing and you've inspired me to get back into drawing both traditionally and digitally! There's so much that you do amazingly that I can't really get it out! UR AWESOME ❤️❤️

(sorry 4 late response, been busy all day)

i appreciate this a lot and the compliments on my stuff makes me ahh!!! im glad i could inspire u and thank u for sending this in

i didnt mean for that post to be a pity party though, its just a bit of frustration, possibly because of the state tumblr is in nowadays. its just that i have like 4200 followers, and i can hardly crack 100 or even 200 notes on my pieces, which i spend a really long time on most of the time! i know that wanting attention often comes off as selfish or attention seeking but when you put something out in the public, you hope that you can at least get something back to satisfy that.

OBVIOUSLY not everyone thinks like that but its what a lot of people do when they post their stuff online! they want to build an audience, they want some interaction. tumblrs the best site for this imo but somehow you can barely get any of it anymore. it feels so awful having to ask this from people who really dont owe you anything but its not so hard to make an artist feel like their work is worth more than just a follower count that means nothing in the long run

Dear David...

If you’ve kept up with The Krazy Crazy Life of Kassiopeia Fullbright, you’ll know about the appearance of the Bayless family from Twinbrook. If not, then, ***minor spoiler alert!***

Davis Lamar is related to them... a.k.a. David Bayless. Arc 34, Remembering, briefly features the Bayless family. I decided to share some stills from my gameplay for fun. 

Avery Bayless (14)  is rather angry that the soda machine ate her simoleons. She really hoped for a refreshing drink after school.

Dear David, I really hate this blasted machine! I wish you were here to reach up with your long arms and grab the cola. 

Frustrated, Avery gives up and comes home to play ball with her brother, Taye on their Bayuck swamp farm.

The days and nights kinda blend together, but every night, Taye and I play ball. It’s kinda nice. I know he wouldn’t admit it but he’s grown to be handsome while you’ve been gone... er... except for those ears! 

Taye Bayless (17) tosses a baseball with his sister, Avery near the swamp. He’s taking a break from studying for exams, and he adores his kid sister. 

At least I can wear my hair long to cover mine. The girls at school still make fun of me. I don’t know if I can ever show my face again there after falling flat on my pimply nose while trying to get that blasted cola!

Avery and Taye play ball in the yard near the water tower that provides fresh water for the Bayless family. Also Avery’s sporting her rainboots since the ground can be quite mushy in the swamps. Avery shares a special relationship with Taye as they both love the outdoors and are active. 

But here on the farm, I can just be goofy self and laugh and play in the yard. No one’s gonna see me with all this swamp grass ‘round. Don’t feel like you gotta write back. It’s just stupid stuff here, really. Don’t even know howta end so bye, I guess. ~ Aves

Skye Bayless (16) plays the bass much like their older half-brother, Davis. They also have a flamboyant style. In game, when Skye aged up from toddler to child, they had a feminine hairstyle, and when they aged up to teen, Skye was actually wearing a dress. I decided Skye is gender fluid as the game encouraged me, preferring they/their as pronouns. Look at the pure joy on their face! 

Evening hangs in sultry skies; the heat of sweetgrass swaying in the sweaty breeze. The scent of sun-soaked tea tickles my nose and tempts me away from practice. I ponder little and then I play the love song only Bayucks know and beat my foot upon the porch wood. I strum the notes you taught me b’fore and think of the soft twangs on a sweltering night that barely scratch the sky for which I’m named.

Skye shares a room with their older brother, Taye. Taye is a studious kid and is looking forward to university and getting out of the backwater swamp. Here he practicing writing his speech. 

How do I start? I miss you sounds trite. I love you sounds stupid. But I do, mmkay? Uni apps are due soon and M’as breathi’n down’em my neck, but ya know...what she dont’ realize is I really wanna go and be out there in the world. And somehow I know its tough for ya’s now, but you make it seem okay... that the world aint so scary if you can face everythin’g that’s you have and still come out okay. So hang on... oh and um... when you get home... I still need help with apos’trophes. - Love, Taye (and yeah, Im cool with mushyness but dont’cha tell Ma). 

Little River (5) Bayless is sad. She misses her big brother very much. She also lost her doll somewhere and fears the dog took off and buried it somewhere in the swamp. 

Dear David, I miss you. I love you. My dolly is gone. I think the dog took it. I think the dog put it in the yard in the ground. I wish you was here. We could dig it up to...to...too...(it’s a big word - Chase helped me). together. ~ River 

Shepherd Skeet Bayless may live in the Bayuck swamp, but he’s far from backward. True, he prefers the simple life, but he takes pride in his swamp farming skills. Here he tends to the sweetgrass his family has grown for generations and practices his sermons. After all, plants are very good listeners.

 Son, I miss you. We can’t wait for you to be home. I think it would be good to spend time in the garden together. Plants have a healing nature to them. After all, the Good Lord gave us a garden to tend to give us purpose and a place. Enclosed are my notes from my latest sermon, some psalms, and a few of your favorite hymns. I’ve taken to preaching to the plants. I know it’s dumb, probably, but they listen. I hope you’ll listen and know that you just get well and get home soon, okay? 

At twilight, Chase Bayless (19), all grown up, and capturing the land she calls home on the canvas. It’s a cooler evening than most, the mists of the swamp rising up to provide some low haze. She’s home on break from uni, an Education major, and she took up painting to unwind.

Dear David, I don’t want you to worry about me. Shark Racket broke my heart all those years ago and I know how angry you were. But today he brought me a cake. He dropped it off on the porch and ran away like a sissy, but I saw him through the curtains. I think he heard about your situation somehow. Townsfolk talk. The parishoners whisper among themselves on Sundays and I don’t like it. But you don’t need to worry about it. I’ll bop any of ‘em on the nose if they speak badly about you. 

Ma Bayless... Gwayne, that is, has enchantress abilities. She hoped at least one of her children would inherit her supernatural genes, but alas! No matter how many kids she popped out, not one of them is “special.” She takes out her frustrations by crafting potions (legal and illegal) in the attic of the Bayless Manor. 

Ma’am’s spendin’ most nights in the attic. I don’t think she’d admit it, but she feels guilty. She’s working on the perfect stress potion. She says it’s for her, but I don’t think so. I hear her mumblin’ to herself, hissing at herself, and she says your name a lot and that she’s uh... failed you. Don’t tell her I said that. She’d probably wring my neck like a spring chicken. 

Avery, like her siblings, Davis and Skye, loves music. It brings a smile to her face every time she can tickle the ivories in the evenings. What southern home is complete without a family music room? 

The armless statue of the goddess Veni offends Pa Bayless, but Chase brought the beauty back from her studies abroad in Sim Union. After three days of arguing, Gwayne finally convinced her husband to keep the peace and allow the lady to be on display. 

Did I tell you I got to study abroad? You aren’t the only Bayless to travel now, big brother. I betcha can see my smile. I can still try and one up you, ya know? I spent some time in Championne, in the City of Lights. Oh it was beautiful! I wish you could’ve seen all the art and culture and that you could taste the scones. I’ll make you some when you return.You still like blueberries, right?

I’ve enclosed some of my silly scribblings from the trip. I hope you don’t mind. Tonight I’m painting on the porch. I can hear Skye and Avery both play different songs, and yet somehow they blend so beautifully. I think you’ve inspired them. 

When she isn’t enchanting, Gwayne likes to feel the earth between her fingers. After all, an enchantress has a special relationship with nature. It’s the only time she can be “free” and doesn’t feel the pressures of motherhood and her business management career. 

And Ma’am too. You know she loves you in her own way. She spends more time in the garden now than she ever did, in the section we used to call yours. She’s trying to cut back on her hours at city hall. I think she misses you. But yeah, don’t tell her I said it. This is our secret. 

Taye gets in a late night workout in a dark corner of the attic. He really wants to grow out of the “skinny boy” stereotype. Alas! I don’t think he’ll grow into those ears! 

Taye’s upstairs now fighting on the weight machine like you always did. He’s determined not to be so scrawny anymore. 

In the backyard, River plays pirate in the treehouse. Land Ho! 

And River... I caught her in the treehouse you built with her and Pa tonight. She sleeps out there most nights, playing pirate into the wee morning hours. She says she’s lookin’ out for you over the Gulf. You’ve got a guardian angel you know that? Well, I should sleep. I’ve got an online class in the morning and I need my beauty rest. I hope you’re hanging in there. Hurry home. ~ Yours, Chase 

Hope you enjoyed! 

(The arc itself is NSFW, but if you want to read the chapters featuring the Bayless family directly/indirectly, you can read Unyielding and Unexpected.)