#i'm currently doing the days out of order because i'm struggling with my adhd to get my fics finished in the right order
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One super fascinating thing about Kristen's current arc in JY is how much it reflects real-world conversations I've been following about effort and consistency and reliability in relationships. Specifically, I've been reading about the resentment in (primarily het) relationships caused by uneven distribution of mental load and repetivite, constant labor between partners.
Follow me now-
I've seen a few posts on here from people who have ADHD highlighting how realistic it is to their experience that Kristen is SO GOOD for doing grand acts and big miracles, but struggles so deeply with "the boring stuff". Upkeeping social media for Cassandra/YES!, consistently holding meetings to maintain whatever following she does develop for her gods, even just bi-weekly essays. I can't speak to the ADHD experience myself. However, from my relationships with people who have it and a decent amount of the posts I see on this website, that is a consistent manifestation of the disorder.
Dovetailing from that is the very real conversation I've heard time and time again about people whose family/friends/partners refuse to help with the little tasks of keeping a home in order or a project on track, but will pull through for big events under the assumption that it balances things out. It's a conversation that occurs a lot in spaces of studying gender dynamics in relationships - i.e. In a dynamic where the wife is responsible for doing all of the cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/organizing, the husband will do a singular, high-effort task or grand gesture, "I built you an armoire!", "I took the kids out for a full day so you could relax!" and reference that singular event or task as a counterbalance for smaller tasks they do not aid in (daily dishes, laundry, running errands). This can also take the form of one partner doing grand gestures on occasion, but not showing up in smaller ways throughout the relationship on a day-to-day level.
-Ex. Partner A indicates that would appreciate more frequent affection in the relationship, such as date nights, flowers, non-sexual physical contact, etc. Partner B responds by planning a fancy dinner, gratuitous non-sexual contact/complements, and buying a lavish gift - but they do not increase displays of affection in their daily lives. Partner A mentions that though they appreciate the gesture, it didn't solve the initial problem, and Partner B doesn't understand why all of the obvious effort they put in isn't enough. The cycle continues and resentment grows as both people feel like their needs aren't being met/their efforts aren't being appreciated.
(Sorry if that's an over-explanation, I'm trying to be clear lol)
I think a lot about two things Cassandra said to Kristen:
"You're unreliable." and "It's not fair." in the context of these dynamics.
I've seen a decent number of people talk about how mutually unfair bringing Cassandra back was for both her and Kristen. I have also seen a lot of very valid arguments about Kristen being a LITERAL CHILD who makes a lot of impulsive (re: bad) decisions because she cares so deeply about specific things. We've also seen that Kristen CAN be so good in the little ways (Giving Lydia Barkrock the Help action, supporting Tracker through her bullshit, trying to do okay in school to help Riz). For all intents and purposes, there is no actual lack of effort on Kristen's part - she very obviously cares deeply. However, those efforts are more occasional and case-by-case than something constant, like going out every day to spread the word of Cassandra or doing something boring like homework.
Cassandra, whose entire thing is that she's always there to offer support -"I'm there holding your hand in the dark"- knows these things as well. She knows what Kristen is capable of. The hurt, then, doesn't come from the fact that Kristen can't but because, for some reason, she won't.
In conversations about how certain partners... underperform in relationships, one theme that often arises is that of, "I know he can do it, he simply doesn't." Whether that be daily chores or consistent acts of affection, Partner A has seen Partner B be helpful or put effort into things that they find interesting. There is no question of capability - Partner B can do whatever it is Partner A requests. Partner A thus concludes that Partner B doesn't because they don't want to. -Ex. "He refuses to help me because he doesn't care about me/He doesn't think I'm worth the effort."
While I obviously cannot make a true 1-to-1 comparison between this particular manifestation of Executive Dysfunction in people with ADHD and lackluster partners in relationships (I am aware that it is deeply harmful to imply that being a "bad" partner is in any way correlated to any singular disability), this is a degree of parallelism to be found in the Kristen/Cassandra dynamic and the type of dysfunction I reference in above examples. There is the caveat that if you have ADHD and know you struggle with doing things that are smaller or more tedious/repetitive, you can work with the people in your life to accommodate that. Additionally, men (at least in the US) are traditionally socialized to undervalue the traditional female labor that is caretaking.
That said, in universe, Kristen doesn't seem to know she has ADHD and thus could not articulate her limitations to Cassandra - and even if she could, it might not have solved the problem ( though it could have kept Cassandra from getting so upset).
The entire reason I wrote all of this is that I've seen several responses to the most recent preview for FHJY wherein Kipperlily Copperkettle accuses Kristen of not caring (and, to be clear, Kristen fully does not care about the Presidency. That is very likely what KLCK was referring to, and she is not wrong in being upset if Kristen wins this thing she hasn't even bothered to campaign AT THE SCHOOL for). The trend in the responses has been people listing Kristen's miracles more than anything, and while those do prove that she does CARE about SOME THINGS, it doesn't address the fact that for most people care is displayed through active, consistent, reliable effort rather than big dramatic displays: While the shrimp jump was cool, it does nothing to prove that Kristen gives a shit about student government.
#this is barely coherent#there's just this wild juxtaposition that I feel like comes up a lot on Tumblr#it seems to happen specifically with ND characters that people see a lot of themselves in#where even if the flaws and complications of that Neurodivergence are being assessed and deconstructed#people will plant their feet on “she can do no wrong!”#and sometimes it's whatever because it's just a fictional character#but other times#like with Kristen Applebees#where the defensiveness has the flavor or being deeply honest#which concerns me#like I truly hope y'all are putting more effort into handling real world criticism than you do with fictional shit#the instantaneous demonization of anyone who isn't tooth grindingly supportive of the Bad Kids (namely Kristen) is worrying#kipperlily is allowed to be mad at Kristen for winning! She may have done some shifty shit#but you can't say she didn't try really hard to win#and Kristen didn't even do her own shrimp jump. she only ran because she immediately disliked kipperlily#and ever Kristen's reason for disliking Kipperlily isn't fair???#Like it started before they realized the whole rat grinder conspiracy#she just didn't like that Kipperlily was a Type A overachiever#which has nothing to do with Copperkettle#and everything to do with Kristen's own insecurities#as for the relationship aspect#i have a lot of concerns about how people on Tumblr talk about relationships#let me die#if i die#d20 fhjy#fhjy#dimension 20#rant#kristen applebees#i guess
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Hiii! Gosh, I love your work SO MUCH. You recently mentioned in an answer to someone that you have ADHD and because of that, you have lots of rituals for your work in order to stay focused. May I ask what your routine is? I have struggled for years and years as a working artist to control or harness my adhd, and I would love to hear what works for you!! Thank you so much for even reading this :)))
Hi there!! Thank you so much. ♥
I'm probably a terrible person to give advice, because I absolutely do NOT have a handle on my ADHD. I often feel like I'm drowning in it, as I'm sure a lot of other people in the same situation can commiserate with. A lot of my issues are exacerbated by my agoraphobia and anxiety, but I won't go too into that stuff because I am not really in a place to talk about that aspect of my life so much. I do think I've become more aware of it as I have gotten older and am definitely better at managing it than I was when I was younger. Also to start off, I'm not medicated for it.
First and foremost, I tend to need to overstimulate myself in order to get down to painting, though this is only so effective. I play really loud, very noisy music when I work. Angelspit, Combichrist, The Gazette, etc. Heavy electronic, industrial, nu metal kind of stuff. It helps drown out my thoughts so I can focus on painting. I need to Not Think to be able to paint. I have to already know I'm in flow state on something and really into it if I'm going to be playing mellower stuff.
I also like to play youtube videos or shows on things I'm currently fixated on. Like I'll watch nothing but videos on Welsh folklore or horse training or whatever the hell. I really struggle with listening to audiobooks or podcasts because they aren't engaging enough.
I have parental controls on my computer set up so that I can block out any distracting websites, however this is really not super helpful because I have to keep social media open at all times as it's part of my job to manage those things. It does help some though. It might work for you! They make browser extensions for it.
I try to keep momentum on pieces. I can't let a piece sit for more than a few days, or I know it's time to bin it and give up. I either hyperfixate on a painting until it's done, or it's not good enough and it's going to be like an anchor dragging my momentum down. The second I feel momentum waning I know I need to make a change. I've made huge changes to how I take commissions in order to help me with this, as this is my biggest struggle. I hate sending updates on things, waiting for emails, painting things I'm not super invested in, etc. I recognize that I am incredibly blessed/lucky to be in a position to be a little pickier about the work I take on and how I take it. But I do firmly believe in general that a commission based artist should try to make sure they are doing work they enjoy and not just slogging away on something that they don't vibe with at all. That's good advice for anyone, but I do think that us folk with ADHD tend to feel burnout and artblock harder. I know when I have artblock literally NOTHING can get me to paint, so that's why momentum is so important.
I also try to recognize things that I know are going to trigger me into avoiding what I need to do for the day, or causing me to spiral. For example, if I know I need to make a phone call I try to do that first if at all possible, otherwise I am going to end up not getting anything done for the next 6 hours. If I know I'm going to have to have to leave the house for an appointment or something scheduled, I typically just let that day be a wash and don't plan any work for it. I end up physically ill when I have something I have to go out and do (like going to some appointment or even something small like going to pick something up off of FB marketplace) so I try to just Avoid That, but if I can't I will just clear my schedule for the day.
I try to maximize my Good Days by minimizing things that trigger my procrastination/lack of motivation/distractions. But when I have bad days I just try not to beat myself up about it. (Still do, but I'm trying to get better.)
The worst thing is letting a whole day be wasted sitting there, knowing the time is passing. Knowing that there is something you should be doing, but you're not doing it. Knowing that you don't want to be doing that thing, and that you'd rather be playing a game or painting something else. But not doing that either. And before you know it, the sun is setting and you've done no work AND had no fun and it's time for bed. Ugh, I've had so many days like that.
It's important to recognize when that is happening, and to just say "fuck it" and go do the fun thing you want to do instead of toiling for hours in indecision. That's probably bad advice for people who have poor responsibility skills (like actually making sure to get work done on the good days) but I am saying this in good faith. Sometimes when that happens I'll let myself go bake a bunch of bread or obsessively clean a cabinet out so I still feel like I did something that day. Next day, I try to do better.
I don't know if this is helpful at all- I know people with ADHD have a lot of different experiences/tendencies, but this is what helps me. I slipped a lot after my dad's cancer diagnosis several years ago and felt myself really just completely letting go into the ADHD time void because my thoughts and worries were so loud I couldn't drown them out with all the screamo in the world. I started fixating on BG3 really hard near the end, and it's absolutely responsible for me being Okay artistically and emotionally speaking after his passing last month. I think difficult situations can make our symptoms worse, and to an extent we have to ride the wave and be kind to ourselves.
That's perhaps my closing thought- be patient and kind to yourself. Our brains don't really work right but it can be a blessing in that I think the flow state we are capable of is really something otherwordly. So try to identify what helps trigger that in you and foster it.
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Do you have any study tips for people who find it hard to concentrate for long periods of time, or just struggle to even sit down and focus?
Hi! I'm so sorry for the late answer, I've been busy with classwork, curating my schedule for the next few weeks, and just life in general.
I myself struggle to sit down and focus and have trouble concentrating for long periods of time. Everyone works differently and some things may not be helpful to everyone, just a disclaimer!
Something I do that really helps me is to have a set "ritual" I do every time I need to or at least know I need to do school work or productive things that I personally want to do.
My current "ritual" includes the following, in order:
Make a cup of my preferred drink (currently iced coffee with one sweet n low and French vanilla creamer) + grab a glass or bottle of water
Set out all my necessary materiales (studying ex: textbooks, stationary, technology, planner, etc)
Take a deep breath
Write out a todo list that is managable for what I want/need to accomplish
Flick on my desk lamp
Begin the first step for the first talk (open textbook, go to website, write out note title, etc)
My brain got into the habit of "lamp flicks on, sip of coffee, time to work" and it became very automated.
Lately, I've tried to spread out my necessary tasks out throughout a week (within necessary due dates) with daily planning for flexibility of my schedule and whatever things pop up. I believe being flexible with scheduling tasks helps a lot because sometimes I have more energy on some days than others, and other times, I need to allocate energy to other priorities.
For concentrating for long periods of time, I try to figure out my limits, and do whatever I can to work with myself and not against myself. I have severe unmedicated ADHD (as well as other things mentally) and I've learned to listen to my brain and body as best I can.
I can not concentrate if my phone is not near me or within eyesight when I study. I will be too preoccupied thinking about my phone and any missed notifications if I can't see my phone. Answering texts and calls while doing homework does not interfere with my productivity as it takes me a few seconds to type out a message and hit send or answer a call and listen/explain that I'm busy. (it's usually my dad who calls me, and I have no problem stopping my work to talk to my dad).
I need caffiene to give me that push to start. Once I taste my coffee, I know it's time to crack down on my assignments and start focusing on my work.
Background noise!! Very rarely can I listen to music when working at home, so I usually have a comfort show or some youtube video playing in the background while I do work. When I'm on campus, I listen to a specific playlist while doing schoolwork, usually more mellow music like Lana Del Ray, The Neighborhood, Chase Atlantic, MARINA, Mitski, Arctic Monkeys, Mother Mother, Cigarettes After Sex, beebadoobee, Taylor Swift etc. I normally listen to K-pop, but my favorite songs are too upbeat for getting work done.
I try not to watch the clock or set a timer because I never really know how long some assignments will take and if I'm watching the time pass I tend to get anxious and then my mind will wander from the task at hand.
Water!! I have to remind myself all the time, but having water at my desk or study area keeps me hydrated, which keeps me focused and awake.
I try not to eat big meals right before I do work. If I do eat something substantial before I need to work, I always wait 30 to 60 minutes so I can perk back up and properly focus on my work.
Never push past my physical energy limits. If I'm falling asleep at my desk, if I'm yawning uncontrollably, if my body feels heavy with fatigue, I will not push myself past exhaustion as that is no longer healthily productive.
Sleep is a priority!! If I'm sleepy and tired and groggy, I can't work properly. When I'm low on sleep, I also tend to over do the caffiene and overeat, which makes me both uncontrollably anxious and shaky while also making me more lethargic, thus inhibiting my work ability.
Listening to my body and learning how I work best has been the most helpful in my concentration and productivity abilities. I know when I'm feeling off, how to determine what I need in order to feel more regulated and functional. Good, healthy habits and a little self intuition go a long way for me.
I hope this was helpful in some way. I didn't want to give generic or basic tips because this is not a one size fits all topic. I'm open to any other questions!!
Til next time, lovelies!! 🩷
#pink pilates girl#pink pilates princess#self care#self development#self love#wonyoungism#health & fitness#it girl#mental health#physical health#study aesthetic#studyblr#dream girl#high value woman#vanilla girl#girly stuff#clean girl#coquettecore#college studyblr#college#productivity#school#study blog#student life#that girl energy#that girl#kpop#self care tips#self improvement#student
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Hi there! I hope you're having a nice day.
Little bit of a rant and a bid for advice, if you or your readers have any. I hope that's alright.
I'm currently writing a fic or maybe multiple fics (plot bunnies be running rampant in me brains) about a rarepair of two guys. I'm a bi woman and have basically zero social skills, so in order to properly understand other people's body language, I like to look up guides or articles about body language between two people, although I know those things are full of bullshit and don't mean anything, and it's hard to find articles for example about whether another woman's body language indicates interest in you if you're a woman yourself, but eh, they're still better than my brain which is usually like "eh, could mean this or that or this or that or this or that or- basically could be anything, I wouldn't know that lol, now I'm tired and will shut off, bye" aka useless as well.
The results I've found have been absolutely useless. I like writing characters in a slightly plausible-sounding way, so I like incorporating body language as in acting choices or subconscious body language (or whatever a proper term might be) in my writing to make it sound more in-character. So for stuff like this, I usually just think "ok what is that person's expression and if I do it, what would that indicate me to be feeling currently", and I don't know if other people do that or if that's just me being bad with social stuff and intuition about it again, and if I should really try to get re-evaluated for autism which I have been advised to think about doing multiple times in multiple direct and indirect implicative ways such as people being like "hey btw are you autistic? no? you sure?" or "I know you got a negative diagnosis as a kid, but maybe that was wrong and you might wanna do it again because of all your social struggles and sensory stuff etc.", heh. (Have been diagnosed with ADHD though, so that might also just be it.)
Sorry for the rambling. English isn't my first language, so if anything sounds strange, that's to blame.
My question or rather bid for advice is: I am wondering if you or your readers might have any advice on where to find resources for reading body language and romantic or sexual implications in body language between two parties, in this case between two guys.
(Hopefully this is not too nonsensical or insensitive or something like that because that's not my intention. I just really don't know how to human or if there actually is some difference on how different people of different genders flirt consciously or subconsciously or if that's some weird unnoticed transphobic bio-essentialism shit that I hadn't yet noticed and sorted out of my head because I don't want to be transphobic since that sucks.)
--
Weeell...
If people have links to guides, that's great, but I do think that in the context of fanfic, people often write flirting that they find sexy or they write whatever the canon style of interaction is and recontextualize it as how these particular guys flirt.
They're not usually thinking "What does flirting look like in general?" and then having the characters behave in a new way.
A lot of our interpretation of body language in written fiction has to do with information we get from the POV character about how they're feeling internally. For the non-POV character, we may have the POV character's thoughts on what the body language means, but we're generally interpreting it based on media cliches and based on knowing this is a ship fic.
So the other dude acts like he doesn't like our POV dude and the POV dude is like "Alas, my pining is unrequited!" and the audience goes "Ooooh, it's one of those fics!"
If the goal is writing certain types of fic, you may not need a guide to How People Really Act as much as one to How Fans Interpret Such and Such a Behavior from Canon as Subtext.
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Hi - I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to cultivate community, and would love any advice!
I currently have two friends (one long distance, one who lives nearby) and live with my spouse. All of these people are also socially isolated. I spend most of my day alone in my home; I don't work because my spouse's income can support us both; I don't go out because my spouse is immunocompromised so we generally avoid being around other people; and I don't engage in online spaces very much (mostly following a few authors whose books I like or watching youtube videos about special interests). I'm autistic, adhd, and struggle with ocd, which are all things I learned about in the past two years.
I've tried to become more engaged in hobby-focused online spaces, but have found that I am not great at reading the social rules or am somehow behaving in an inappropriate way due to misunderstanding the way people were communicating. This happens both online and in-person. Over time, I've tried to become more observant, but this has led to a sort of social inertia as observer rather than participant, which excludes me from the connection-making experience so many people seem to have.
Based on some of what you have written, it seems like you put a lot of importance in community building and the work of cultivating friendships. I've seen you suggest seeking out identity-based groups (like autistic support groups or enby support groups) or seeking out hobby-based groups (like going to cons), and these are all things I've tried before but always felt unable to be a part of - like I have an invisible bubble around me that blocks me from really connecting.
I feel really frustrated and a little ashamed about all this. Like I should be trying harder or doing more in order to become more involved with the world around me. I guess, how do I do the work of cultivating community when it feels like most communities won't have me as I am? (not to say that I'm a perfect unchangeable person, but that in some core way I'm rejectable?)
I don't think you need to try "harder," just that you need to keep trying. There are a lot situational reasons why you are so isolated that it sounds like you're very well aware of, so try to keep those factors in mind to check your own feelings of brokenness/rejectability/underservingness when they occur.
You don't leave the house much. You don't participate actively in most online spaces. You don't have many opportunities for organically meeting people. No wonder you have so few connections in your life *and* feel so self-conscious and awkward when you do make an attempt. Anybody would in your situation. You need like hundreds more hours of attempts, potentially, for it to start to feel more natural and less panic inducing. That's a big part of why the first tip in my advice column on the subject is to know that this process takes years, it did for me, and to not take that as a reflection of who you are as a person.
The research on how people form friendships says time and time again that we build relationships by being in proximity to people numerous times and with consistency. That's it, and that's all. There is no magic juice or essential quality that you lack. Among neurotypicals, research shows people are more likely to be friends with people who have last names that are closer to their own in the alphabet, because those people are/were more likely to sit next to one another in class as kids. That's really how arbitrary this shit is.
We befriend the people who are around us a lot, who we interact with a lot. And so, you'll just need to be around the same people a lot (does not have to mean literally physically around, it could be in the same zoom room or discord call), and interact with them a lot. It sounds like a lot of the online spaces you've attempted to be a part of so far are not quite social enough -- I would say do not consider social media to be socializing, it's more like social snacking (tho there are some exceptions).
instead try to identify some online events or groups with meetings / synchronous forms of communicating. Watch parties, online game playing sessions, online writing groups, support groups, meetings, etc -- ones where you have interactions with a handful of the same people, where they get to know your name/handle and become familiar with you and interact with you multiple times.
You can also try asynchronous forms of communication, but they have to again be really specific and personal. Things like exchanging letters or having a pen pal or playing correspondence chess with someone -- not posting on say instagram or reddit or whatever. It has to be a form of interaction where you get to know a specific person, and they get to know you, and you navigate some of those interpersonal conflicts and insecurities that you're talking about.
Maybe you are rubbing people the wrong way sometimes, that's okay, being annoying is not a crime. don't give up. Maybe they are just dropping off the map on you sometimes for their own reasons or not being super enthusiastic and you are reading that in a negative light when it is in fact a neutral cue. Keep at it. That's really the only way to get better at it, i'm afraid.
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Hi again! I was wondering how long it usually takes you to write a chapter. You're a very productive writer and my brain being neuroatypical mess (affectionate) I usually end up writing 300 words, then I have to do some deeply random tasks before going back to writing.
I'm not asking this in order to compare myself to others but just to have an idea of how long it takes you + how you organise yourself around writing 😊
Thank youuuu (currently starting There is a light & it never goes out)
Hi and thanks for the ask and the ridiculously lovely words about my work 🫠
It really depends on the chapter, which I know is a shitty answer so I will try to elaborate - when I first started writing Dont Fall Away From Me, a chapter would take me 3-6 hours. But this was because it was entirely train of thought whirlpool of emotions writing. The chapters I am writing now have taken me a solid 5-6 days each, because I'm now in a position of trying to resolve everyone's character arcs and make sure I've left no plot holes open or stories unfinished.
I also have the added pressure of having a much larger following and readership than I had when I began, and people will lie and say it makes no difference but it does. I have the Pit in my head telling me everything I write isn't good enough, that people won't like it...
So I change things, sometimes do a complete rewrite (Ch 34 didn't look anything like that when I wrote it the first time), sometimes again and again. It's frustrating.
All I will say is, make yourself write. I have Autism and ADHD and struggle too, but after doing Neil Gaiman's masterclass (which I highly rexommend), his one bit of advice was just to keep writing, even when you don't want to, even when it's bad. You can always take those bones and add the meat later.
Hope this was in any way helpful.
I look forward to seeing writing from you in the future 🤩😊
#phoenixrose314 answers#dont fall away from me#ao3 writer#how long is a piece of string#writing is hard#send help#and biscuits#and hot chocolate
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As part of my struggle with being unable to form habits or remember things that aren't right in front of me as an adhd haver I tend to rely on systems of 'if I do x I must then do y.' One example is 'if I start the dishwasher I must then start the laundry.' Those tasks are chore buddies. Vacuuming joins in if I have time. Another one is: If I take my keys off my belt then I hang them on the key hook.' Or the very simplest one: 'if I see a thing that is the wrong place then take it and move it toward the right place if going that direction.' I'm very big on every object having a 'place' or sometimes a series of places. Like most of the laundry that goes from my body to either the 'wear it again' bin or the dirty bin, then to the hallway, then to the washer and laundry rack, then to the bed, then put away. Socks got their own special sock box because I hated putting them away the most.
These systems can be days long and infinitely intricate, especially for work tasks. Notice how none of them involve rewards or 'winning' anything either. There is no 'end goal,' there is only the system. I can have jellybeans whenever I want whether I did the dishes or not.
Nothing is perfect though. I'm always juggling a few too many tasks and a few always fall off because I run out of energy or time before I can get to them. Sometimes I just fail to add a system where one is needed because I'm already too overwhelmed to deal with confronting the fact that I have a crack in the system. Like how I currently walk in and leave my coffee thermos on the shoe shelf every day until I run out of thermoses. Then they just sit there for days because I haven't made room for them in my system. I'm vaguely aware of the problem but I've never looked directly at it. In order to fix it I'd have to consciously design a spot for them in the system, and I don't know if there's room.
I once just didn't clean my bathtub for a year because it was the perfect storm of being a task I didn't like that was also out of sight 99% of the time. The only reason I clean it now is because I saw a tiktok about a system someone else had where they kept cleaning products in the shower and just cleaned a little every day. —If showering, then clean the shower! That worked so well that I went and got specialized cleaning supplies for every part of the house. My house has never been cleaner. It's not perfect but it's alright.
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I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.
Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.
Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.
Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.
Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.
I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.
I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.
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Yet another “I'm more non-speaking/nonverbal than I thought” post.
Hi. This is Nico. Our body is autistic. When I first found that out I thought we were “high functioning”, because we weren't as disabled as others seemed to be. But we were just very high masking at the time, & the mask is peeling off in painful layers.
I perfected my ability to write from 5 years old till now (we're 23), in part because speaking aloud is difficult. (But I thought everyone struggled to speak words & that I just....wasn't dealing with it well.) Because of that, this will be written in much better grammar & clearer words than I am capable of aloud right now. That does not mean I can speak aloud, nor that autistics who can't write like this don't exist or aren't super valid. That also doesn't mean I won't use wrong words sometimes, because I do still mix up words or have an inability to find the word I mean.
That disclaimer aside....
I thought I was hyperverbal. Because we also have ADHD & C-PTSD, the tism didn't seem to affect our speaking much.
The hyperverbal speech was part autism mask, part ADHD hyperactivity (or, externalized symptoms to be more accurate), & part PTSD (got abused & punished for not speaking).
I am currently medicating my ADHD with a balance of sugar & caffeine that works short-term. (I will eventually seek actual meds but there's a shortage right now & I am a tired bitch who doesn't wanna deal with doctors right now.)
I was trying to sing along to my music playlist. That's typically one of my most reliable self-soothing tactics. Even as we've started unmasking the tism, I didn't notice much difference in my singing—as long as I'm singing with backup music, I can still sing when words otherwise don't wanna work/translate/etc.
It came out in soft babbles, “bah bah bah” (lip taps with air), “bleh bleh bleh” (basically just tongue taps with air), & faint humming. I could follow the general beat/tune of the song, but couldn't make any of the lyrics come out.
This followed a session of flirting with my autistic girlfriend, & her making me laugh nonstop for a solid 20mins, until my brain decided “I'm safe right now” & words failed me. My mouth wouldn't do it.
I can still make noise in my head. Some of my thoughts are words (in a jumbled mix of the languages I know (Spanish & French, & bits n pieces of Norwegian/German/Italian/Irish Gaelic/Russian/Greek)). But most are pictures, feelings, vague concepts that I couldn't translate if I tried. None of the thoughts, even the ones that are words, will come out of my mouth. I can't make them come out.
That said, after around 20mins of incoherent noise I was able to sing along again not by understanding the meaning of the words or by saying the words, but by mimicking just the sounds. Ignore that it's a word, let the meaning float in nonexistence, & I can repeat the sound. But I don't know what the fuck I'm saying when I do that, because I can't think the meaning or process the words at the same time as I mimic it.
And that's the same reason that I sing almost exactly the same notes, accent, tone, etc. when I sing, 99% of the time. I'm just mimicking—I'm not actively singing. In order to actually sing, I have to wait for my brain to have enough processing power to spare to not mask, not mimic, process the words, process everything around me (lights, sounds, etc.), associate the words with something or someone, preferably a memory (usually it's my girlfriend who comes to mind right now, but sometimes it's family or friends), AND still make the words come out like they actually mean something. And that takes...so much out of me.
I can't make meaningful words happen right now. Just meaning-detached sounds.
So...yeah.
I thought I had no problems with speech. I thought words were just “a little difficult sometimes”. But I can only word so much in a day before I run out now, & I mean hard stop, ‘can't even mask to save my life’, can't talk to my loved ones, ✨run out✨. My girlfriend pointed out I'm unable to word speech more often than I'm able to now, & suggested I might be more non-speaking than I realized. Because I can usually word inside my head, for most of a day (especially if I take a nap), but I cannot word aloud for more than 2 or 3 hours if I'm not masking, & my mask starts glitching & breaking (stutters, wrong scripts, etc.) after about 5 hours at work now.
So I was never high functioning. I was destroying my brain to mask, & now I'm so burnt out & destroyed from what I did mask through that I can't even mask most of the time. I am now “high support needs” (incorrectly dubbed “low functioning”) autistic, because of how masking destroyed me.
Once I graduate college with a degree that lets me get a job where I can be myself (preferably my own boss), I will never be masking ever again. I can't. It's so taxing.
Speaking isn't supposed to be hard. It's also not supposed to be an act of mimicry 24/7 (sometimes it is mimicry, but not this much). And this is news to me, and I am devastated for child me who thought he was just not trying hard enough or was broken or was just missing a tool.
He was always disabled. We were always disabled. I will honour that disability now, to the best of my ability. Because I love him, because we're worth it, because I shouldn't have to pretend to be neurotypical & able-bodied when I'm not, because that little kid deserved better.
I will learn other ways to communicate. I will learn other languages, but also non-word ways. I don't always have to speak.
And that's okay. I'm allowed to be disabled.
So into the future we grow.
~Nico
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(Brief content warning for appetite disregulation and talking about eating habits)
So in light of ADHDAlien's cool posts and some of my ADHD friends and family starting college or being newly diagnosed, let me, a whole ass adult (somehow?) with a job, also share what has helped me with my ADHD so far! Conversation time!
Background: I was diagnosed at 7 and prescribed methylphenidate 18mg ER, starting immediately upon diagnosis and having maintained the same dose except for during college, where I scooted up to 20. I'm very responsive to medication of any kind, and higher doses make me uncomfortable physically, so be aware that this is the babiest of baby doses. Ritalin has a stronger effect with less intensity than Adderall, and for people who have severe symptoms, Adderall may be the only one that works.
In high school I began doing organizational tutoring to better manage my course load, and that was the single most helpful thing I did, but that may not be accessible to anyone. So here are some things that I've employed on my own. They may not be helpful for everyone, but in the event that they are...
-Time is fake, and the sooner you realize it, the more sense it'll make. We can't connect the current events in our brain to the end result, (usually done via anticipatory dopamine, which is literally what ADHD is: lack of that) and ergo we can't process that 2pm is [_______] from 3pm and we need to get ready at 2:15 or something... Like what. That's fake. The time it takes to complete a task is also fake. Divide your tasks into days/assign sub tasks based on either 1. necessary order they need completed in, and 2. energy, instead of based on estimated time. For me that's been far more intuitive.
-Body Doubling or inviting people over as an external motivator to do a task. Invite a friend over to motivate yourself to clean your room or make food. Either bc they show up and help or even just tell you to do it, or bc you want your space to be nice when they've arrived.
-SNACKS. Eat eat eat!!! You are hungry, more often than your body will acknowledge! Small things like fruit snacks or a pack of crackers you can eat slowly, one every few minutes while doing a task are ideal. Since we have shit anticipatory dopamine, we just have to reward ourselves, and food does an ok job. That said: be careful with dark chocolate, it can be an appetite suppressant if the cocoa content is high. Same with caffeine. My stimulants also make me more sensitive to caffeine side effects.
Also, take snacks with you during the day, because if you're like me, you get tired easily if you don't eat often. Chocolate milk or drinkable yogurts are great fast energy boosts. Plus they're fortified with vitamin D, which in my latitude is in short supply.
-In the same vein: Have low effort, high calorie food on hand. You will have times when you can't summon the energy or get sucked into a hyper focus wormhole and don't have time or spoons to cook. Frozen dinners/personal pizzas/canned soups... whatever to get meal-quality food into you fast. If you eat meat, take advantage of cured or preserved meats that last a long time and are harder to let spoil. Some are stable at room temp, like jerky. If you don't, peanut butter seems to serve people well (can't relate tho, allergic)
-A lot of this is revolving around food, but ime regular meals and easy foods I can get myself to make and eat is something I struggled and still struggle with a lot. Prep snacks when you have spoons and time to do so. Hard boiled eggs before bed. Make extra portions' worth of rice with your dinner. Anything to have extra calories on hand ASAP. Also, rice cookers and any kind of automation is a lifesaver. Just set a timer to remember to get it out later, or pair it with when you're hungry and motivated to get it out and won't forget >.>
-Setting timers. Sucks. it really does. but it's better than not setting timers. If you have a "it's time to leave for class or work" alarm, make sure you have everything packed and you're dressed BEFORE the alarm goes off. With time blindness, that can be hard, but we do typically process abstract "x BEFORE y", just not "15 minutes before y". Switching from direct numbers to just "this has to be DONE by y time" is easier ime.
-Wear an analog watch. Helped me with time blindness so much. I could watch the minute hand crawl as I walked across campus and it cemented how tasks or going places took. I can link "this takes this space on the clock" easier than "this is (abstract number)".
-AUTOMATE WHATEVER YOU CAN. I'm not just talking about rice cookers and dishwashers and roombas, though those absolutely count. I also mean computer programs--zotero for citation formatting, writing or finding macros or scripts for file processing so that you reduce the number of clicks while working. LEARN TO USE EXCEL and clone sheets, if applicable for your job. Anything you can press a button for instead of having to think about is more that will get done during a day.
-If you have a pressing task that is making you sad or just has been hovering over you, or a big assignment: take the anxiety as a sign to prioritize it, and set aside an entire day for it. I'm not joking. Take a mental health day and do your taxes. Even if it only takes an hour, time is fake to us. Energy is not. Escapism or productive procrastination (doing other tasks that do need done, though less pressing, while avoiding another) devour insane amounts of time. If that is your One thing slated for that day, then it'll get done. Promise.
-Yes, use a schedule planner, but GET ONE WHERE YOU CAN SEE THE WHOLE WEEK ON ONE PAGE SPREAD. That way, when you break up assignments (I may do a post about how to do this, but it's integral and entirely what my organizational tutoring was for) you can see how everything fits into the week and where you will put tasks that roll over between days. Teacher planners are good for this. This shit got me through my college projects. Also: write in the assignments and important deadlines for your whole class syllabus right when you get it, for students. It'll take like 2 hours but you can SEE where things fit in physical space instead of abstract time.
-Write lists, not for the purpose of doing the things on them, but just to sort out what's rattling in your head. I rarely LOOK at lists after making them, but knowing it's all down on paper means I'm no longer worried about forgetting it, and threads it into my brain piece by piece, I can process each individual concern. What should be on these lists? Anything bothering you: deadlines, worries, emotional chaos. Anything that circulates in and out of your conscious thoughts. Chores you haven't done, inadequacies. It's like defragmenting a drive when you write it down.
-Your RSD makes it feel like people don't care for you. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is literally so central to my experience, and I don't see it talked about beyond "it exists and it makes me feel The Awful". It impaired my ability to have healthy boundaries and connections to people, because it compounded with my insecurities to make me feel like people weren't showing me they cared or giving me enough encouragement. I got frustrated and I felt like my emotional needs were unfulfilled. It took a lot of therapy to get to the root of it: that I felt unsupported and was reaching to people I shouldn't for external support, when most of the pain I was looking to heal was internal. It is okay to ask for help! There's just a part of RSD where you have to learn to separate what is your OWN pain in response to yourself, your own echo of self-loathing attaching itself to another's behavior, and what is genuinely hurtful behavior. I don't mean that you are accusing anyone of this; rather until you separate the pain you feel from the impact of others, you will feel trapped and controlled by their reactions. It's complicated. I advise therapy if it's accessible, but even knowing to look out for it will help. Admitting the words "I am in pain because I hate something about myself, and their reaction makes me aware of it" is a huge first step. Yes, spoken aloud.
-If you're breaking stim toys or wringing your hands, crushing things... You're freaking out and you need to go deal with whatever is bothering you. Your unconscious movements will register before the importance of the emotion itself will. I find my emotions are like my appetite, it's inconsistent when I will actually process them on a conscious level. Learning to watch my hands helped me realize when I was overwhelmed. It may be another cue for you.
-Go decompress when you're overwhelmed. You may still feel functional: you should not attempt to work through it. It will continue to haunt your processing until you go stare into the void over your water bottle and breathe for a while. I advise going home early too, if possible. Our emotions tire us more than we process.
-Try taking an ibuprofen or acetaminophen when you're starting to get physically tired or frazzled. Dopamine disregulation also prevents us from modulating background pain signals adequately, I notice I get achy.
-Exercise if you have the means and time. Especially if there's a facility at work/home/school so you don't have to convince yourself to go to a secondary location. Somatosensory and kinesthetic feedback good.
-If you take a break from something, go touch stuff and move around. Again, somatosensory feedback good. Walk around the block and touch bricks, etc.
-Use your scenery as a memory aid. Your workspace is your working memory, your HUD. I have told my coworkers not to move anything in my work area for this reason. Where I have left things and what is nearby reminds me what I was doing. Same principle as listing; all of it externally in front of you, digestible without worry of slipping your mind.
-In tandem with above: control clutter. Excess input that is no longer relevant will only confuse you. Old notes, etc. It's okay to throw things or memos out that you wanted to do but don't feel like you ever will.
-Your physical location and status ground you. Going to specific locations to get work done, or dressing specific ways for certain tasks helps link what you're doing now to the task later, and signal to your brain that you're in focus mode. I can't get shit done in pajamas. If I'm not dressed by 12pm, that day is gone.
-If you can't see it, it doesn't exist. Chores, clothes, etc. The best ways to store things are in plain sight. Clear bins, cubbies, etc. Again, your space is your brain. Sort items in places that are relevant to their use.
-If your space makes it hard to do chores, your brain will too. Arrange your furniture to the best of your ability in a way that facilitates easy movement and makes sense to you.
-Cut your losses sometimes. If you cannot finish the project you started that's taking up space in your room, you're not a bad person for throwing it out. Plants you can't save. Art you won't finish. Waste production is a societal problem, but you have to prioritize your mental health. Using disposable lysol wipes instead of rags that will add to laundry, etc. It's okay to need the time saving route.
-If you have the means, it is okay to spend extra for convenience. That's literally why the product exists. If it's more compact or automates something, it was built bc it will help people, especially you. Time IS money, or for us, tasks ARE spoons. Pay extra for delivery if you can't leave the house. I was raised very frugal and disposable anything was very hard to justify to myself, but sometimes it is just necessary to have something DONE and not need to clean or maintain things. You are rationing your energy, it is not laziness.
-ENCOURAGE YOUR BRAIN TO BE ITSELF. It will feel forced, especially if you've been masking hard for years. I had to direct myself to go touch flowers awkwardly or pick up bugs, and at first I didn't feel anything. I just reminded myself that the bug was cool and tried to look real hard at the details. Reminding myself I used to love this. And then at some point I wasn't pretending anymore, and I was sending pictures of jumping spiders to my colleagues like "look what I found outside!" That love some of us have for the present experience, the deep connection we have to our surroundings due to how much we rely on them for our processing... that is so valuable and such a source of joy. Fight for it. Fight your mask, fight the expectations people have for you to act a certain way, fight the notion that unbridled interest with and engagement with small details is "childish". It is not. The world is free dopamine. Grab heaping handfuls.
I may write up a followup for the fundamentals of organizational tutoring; it was what really carried my ass through college/uni and more people need access to it.
Anyway, I hope this helps someone. Not everyone's ADHD is like mine, and not all of this is universal, but maybe you and I have enough in common that my experience is valuable to you.
#adhd#mars#adhd tips#eating disorder content warning--not discussed but potentially triggering relationship with food for people in recovery#neurodivergence
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If it's no trouble I'd like to make a match-up request, Gemini INFP still on early 20s. Non binary who have a preference for woman (To be fair woman hot), I'd say my love languages are gifting and spending time with my friends/lover which also end up being what I enjoy receiving.
Currently only freelancer but due to several disabilities, psychiatric and physical, I'm not even allowed to work actually ;;;; list is too long for me to add everything but social anxiety, severe depression and ADHD along a very annoying chronic pain are the most notable ones right now so I believe I would end spending quite a lot of time with the medical staff and other people in treatment.
I quite enjoy playing games and handling animals, they're pretty much a big interest I have which taught me lots of interesting but also morbid facts on animals. My friends do say I'm funny and good listener but I struggle quite a lot with communication and take my time to open up.
Two things I absolutely adore are animal plushies and sweets, I still sleep hugging one bear plushie plus have quite a few scattered around my room. Chocolate derived deserts are the ones I enjoy most having petit gateau as my favorite food, I do end craving eating anything that have cinnamon and sugar quite often too.
>~> also in Arknights I totally would have Rosmontis plus the Ursus Self Governing Students as my adopted children. Probably a Feline Supporter from Bolívar as it match my birth country and what people usually compare me to.
Thank you in advance, don't forget to take care of yourself and have fun doing these match-ups ♡
Your Girlfriend DM'ed You!
Crushing
You had big plans for today and boy, were you excited to go out with Silence!
It wasn’t everyday that Silence took a day off and spend it with you outside of the laboratory. Usually you spent your time in owl lady’s labratory, watching her work on her drones, always trying to better her work and fixating on her biggest mission; Originium.
Despite her missions to make everyones life better, she always finds time for you. She truly appreaciates you being around her while she works. Often forgetting to do the bare minimum for herself, but giving the maximum effort for others is taking a lot of energy. A lot of Energy that she doesn’t has, regardless she forces to go through her work as if her life depends on it. And it does, she would give her life for others, including yours.
Why must your body punish you today? That’s just so unfair towards you and Silence.
It’s been fifteen minutes since you were supposed to meet Silence in front of her lab.
But you just can’t get up! You can’t move an inch without your body flaring up and spreading the pain throughout your body. Sure, Silence’s patience was very generous, but you couldn’t just let her wait for the whole day. It’ll take so long until you two get to spend time together outside again.
Speak of the Devil.
With a knock, and opening your door to let herself in, she greets you with an apology.
“Pardon, my sudden Intrusion, [Y/N]. You didn’t send me message, so I started getting worried. I’m glad I decided to give you a visit in person. Let’s take care of you and spend our day here. We can visit Kafka’s Garden another time, how does that sound?”
Mayhaps with Silence being around, your day would turn out better than it has started. After a few hours Ifrit started to knock on your door as well, she looked a lot like that she missed being around Silence and you. You got to learn a lot about Silence and Ifrit that day, both respecting that you can’t exactly do much in your flare ups, but at least make it a sweet day by watching kid cartoons, talking a tiny bit about work because Silence can’t go a day without mentioning her projects and of course, ordering good food from Wackdonalds.
General Dating
There’s a lot that Silence treasures about you, and she makes sure that you’ll always get the right treatment for your woos. If she can avoid it, she’ll make sure to always bring that precious smile of yours back on your face!
She may not a professional in the psychologic department, and nor does she want to council you, as it’s very private and unhealthy for the relationship. She does listen to your vents, she listens, gives advice and comfort the best as she can. She’s also a good rely on medication!
And if you’re going to play video games near her, please let her know which game has taken your interest. She loves listening to your rambles about various characters and their stories. It’s a giving and taking in your relationship to infodump about each others interest. Silence also likes to compare real world medicine with unrealistic medicine in games, and tells you in details why GTA or Squid Game’s wounds would never work out in that way.
Love Language
Her love language is a mix out of Quality Time and Acts of Service.
She loves helping you in anyway that she can, especially with your many disabilities, and next to that, she loves having you just around her. It’s soothing for Silence to have her love of her life always just a few meters next to her. She isn’t going to intitiate phyiscal affection in public, unless it’s hand-holding and on occassion a cheek kiss. Please wait until you two are back into your dorm or her labratory. She prefers to have you for herself in privacy, giving you as many kisses as she can handle.
She noticed that you enjoy her making tiny gadgets for you, such as the mini drone she exclusively made for you in your favorite color! Silence’s always surprised by your gifts, “There’s no need to give me that…I will make sure to use it a lot from now on.”
The stoic expression on her face can mask her excitement very well by the presents you came up for her. The latern necklace you gifte her? She wears it always to work under her labcoat. The snacks you have given her? She enjoys them with Ifrit during lunch.
On that note, you’re now also responsible for Ifrit!
This tiny wild girl loves you so much! She always coxes Silence to meet up together and spent time with you, and sometimes Ifrit is seeing you more than Silence does!
Helper and Flaw
Silence biggest flaw and greatest trait is that she’s such a workaholic. She’s so fixated on her work, that she forgets everything else. Once she starts concentrating, she’s in the zone. Do not bother her unless it’s important, just be Silent. She appreaciate that you take care about her, but sometimes she gets mildly irritated that she can’t concentrate on her work when you’re around. Sometimes she has to send you out, and tells you her thanks for coming by before rushing to her work again.
It’s rather hard to get Silence worked up unless you really fucked up big time, like Saria!
So, whenever you two should end up arguing, it’ll always be her considering your words first before acting. Yet, she’s not a mind reader. You have to talk with her about the issues you have, she might get a hint or two that you’re bothered, so she’s always going to offer her help, because you would do the same for her.
Fun Facts
Silence can sing you a song about morbid animal facts, nd Ifrit likes asking you about fun animal facts too!
Ifrit saw you kiss Silence once and immediately asked if you’re going to be her new cool mom. You better accept!
Silence puts new desserts into your fridge and stores whenever she visits you. She knows that you have a sweet tooth for these lava cakes!
Silence lets you stim with her uniform, she really likes how close you get to her, plus it’s a good sensation feeling.
Silence has really bad bed hair in the morning, and you were the first to witness that.
Other Matchups: Nearl, Eunectes and Saria. Defender’s Favorite!
Fun Fact: I was this close to write a Saria x You x Silence for you, but decided against it later.
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Just chiming in to say that I got a PUPPY! And it's been a lot of chaos and hardships the last 8 weeks. But also great achievements have been had.
I'm just constantly worried about being too tough on her and developing negative side effects. But the dog trainers at the dog school keep trying to reassure me, that it's okay to try things out - she's young and she's still learning quickly, so changing methods is no issue if something turns out negatively.
But the first weeks were really rough. The breeder and my ADHD coach taught me old training practices, which tend to result in a more frustrated and anxious mess of a puppy. On top of that, the breeder put minimal effort into socializing the puppy before handing her off to me. Things like bit inhibition, getting to know the big dogs, more outside environments... The puppies were in the garden once or twice, with some interesting obstacles at least. Elsewise they got a small cube with some things strung on it. One trip to the doctor was framed as practice with car driving.
Of course my puppy senses how nervous and unsure I feel as well. I want the best for her, but feel constantly unsure because of how many different views on dog training exist now, and how little have caught up on the most modern, positive training.
At least I have a dog trainer who responds quickly to my inquiries through WhatsApp - it's truly a blessing.
Yet it's sooooo much to train, and I'm very much behind the recommended socializing route, because she's been way too stressed to deal with new stuff properly.
First of all, the food my breeder gave me was bad for my puppy, leading to multiple vet visits, leading to rushed car exposition too. She's very scared within the car now, because she also had to barf a lot.
At least she enjoys the vet. I chose one that has a sister of my puppy, thus should be familiar with the race and health conditions from breeding. Her gene record is pretty much perfect - in the sense that she carries no risk of genetical disease.
Then comes the box training. It was decided from the beginning that I'm gonna train her with a box, to have an easier time with potty training and a safe place when I'm gone for a bit because I'm living alone, and it also included training for the box in the car. However, breeder and coach told me to just force her in there, she'll get used to it eventually. Ignore all the whining. Wait until she crashes to sleep.
That was such torture.
She started to become aggressive. I asked for advice again. "Do the Schnauzengriff (literally translated muzzle grip)". It just lead to her biting even harder. "You must show confidence while doing it, don't just try it".
That's where I stopped and turned to the dog school for advice.
It was the second week and I just felt absolutely overwhelmed with how badly things developed. She was pretty self-confident in the beginning, the walks were an ease, she was very brave, but now I'm dealing with a very alert puppy who has trouble dealing with stress. So much that something as simple as pooping is becoming a chore, because she's so distracted and stressed out.
Currently I'm still very much struggling with walking the stairs with her. We already learned to go up the stairs, which I'm already pretty happy about. She used to be able to do it in the first week I got her with no problem (I went grocery shopping and couldn't carry her), but guess what, she suddenly became scared.
She's currently so big that carrying her is absolutely destroying my back, and it stresses her out a lot, and she still needs to pee a lot. Needless to say, it's a lot of stress every day. Thankfully a dog trainer is going to visit me on Thursday to help make her walk down the stairs, and also to show me how to train carrying properly. Then I won't have to be so scared of stressing her out too much by making her experience anything else.
Sleep is very important, and she needs a calm mind in order to process new information properly. A frustrated brain will not be able to learn.
I'm kinda mad at my coach encouraging me to get a puppy under my conditions, but she said it's gonna be fine and she's gonna be there to help! Except she made things worse and now I have to deal with that baggage. On top of work.
However, things are looking more positive again. I've been focusing on strengthening my bond to my dog and have her ease up, showing her that she can rely on me. I feel like I'm just reliving the first weeks again - two months late. But now with a proper instruction manual. I feel so sorry for my dog, but I hope we can still get along nicely with a chill life.
I definitely wanna move into a proper home with her tho. This isn't ideal at all for her. Not just because of the stairs, but the people here seem to be not the right fit either. Which is a shame, because this place actually isn't crowded at all and has lots of greenery, with a lake nearby which is perfect for a long walk for when she's grown up.
I've been annoyed by this complex and the people for a while already anyway. And I recently got a note about raised rent. The only thing keeping me from moving is a) less help available and b) I'm planning to move together with my partner in about.. 5 years? We don't know yet. It would be a very far move. From the top of the country to the bottom of the country.
Planning anything in that direction is hard.
I hand out a cookie to anyone who's reading this. It's been some wild weeks.
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My Horrible Adventures with Etsy
My journey with my new Etsy shop began after Redbubble changed some policies that at the moment, I can't remember what my fuss even was. In any case, I didn't like Redbubble's changes, and I had been chafing, wanting different things than Redbubble was offering, so I researched other print-on-demand platforms and immediately found Printful, which unlike Redbubble, partners with more conventional shopfront websites like Etsy, Shopify, Bigcartel and WooCommerce.
Why Print-on-Demand?
I'm fucking poor. I full stop cannot afford to order and keep a physical inventory of product so for me print-on-demand is the only answer. I literally cannot even afford my own housing where I live (I have to live with my retired dad,) so physical product inventory is completely out of the question. Currently, I only make $1,200 a month with my day job... if I'm lucky. This is while living in the most expensive place for housing in the entire landmass of North America, the Canadian province of British Columbia. Moving isn't an option as I can't even afford housing where it is cheaper in Canada, plus doing so would remove me from my family which is a no-go socially. I don't have a partner to rely on for social support: I need my family which means that I need to stay put where I am in British Columbia, at least for now.
Where do the Woes Begin?
It started with Etsy repeatedly removing my listings despite all of my art being obviously hand drawn by me (and my being able to prove it with timelapse videos,) and the use of a print-on-demand service falling well within Etsy's rules. Frustrated, I added an infographic advertising the fact that my work is absolutely mine to every single one of my listings. This did nothing. I was still somehow violating Etsy's handmade policy and I couldn't figure out why.
This is their policy, by the way:
"Handmade on Etsy is a spectrum. On one end, we have makers — sellers who are literally making their items with their own hands (or tools). On the other end, we have designers — sellers who design their items but rely entirely on outside assistance or another business to help physically produce them. Many handmade sellers fall in the middle of the spectrum because they are both making and designing their items."
Then I got the email that I took a screenshot of and included here. Unless I fixed the unknown problem, Etsy was going to suspend my account and I wouldn't be able to get it back for at least six months. Frustrated and stressed, I desperately combed over the email and my Etsy seller account, struggling to figure out what I was missing. This can be easier said than done for me because I am dyslexic, so my brain tends to skip over some of the information that I read without me even knowing about it. I also have ADHD, so my ability to focus on non-fiction jargon is even worse than usual.
You would think a creative marketplace company like Etsy would understand that not all people's brain can easily parse written instructions, except there were no real instructions in the email at all. Printful never gave me instructions for this either, which is weird considering that they want you to sell their stuff on platforms like Etsy. There were no notes that I needed to go in manually to do anything. It was only because I had already been fudging around with my listings that I finally noticed that there was a widget called 'Core Details' which needed to be edited.
At long last I had figured out that I needed to physically add a production partner - Etsy has a bulk editing option for this, but since I discovered that that option is extremely glitchy, I had to (in a panic, scared again that my shop would be banned,) edit and check every single listing to make certain that Printful was displayed as my production partner. Fixed at last, I breathed a sign of relief.
Etsy Didn't Tell Me..
...after my credit card was recently stolen that it was debiting the $.20 USD ($.28 CAD) against my future sales so when my aunt kindly bought a blanket off of me I couldn't understand why I wasn't being paid the full amount for the purchase, not even enough money to even cover its production cost. After a lot of stress and emailing I finally discovered that Etsy was charging my future sales instead of my new credit card. I still don't know if I managed to fix this or not, but in any case I took a financial hit on my aunt's sale. Hoping that I wouldn't have any more problems, I turned my mind back to other matters in my life, thinking that I could relax about my shop.
But Then I Got THIS Email!
That's right, Etsy isn't going to give me 100% of my funds after fees for three months (even though my shop has already been open for longer than that.) Since most of the cost of my product listings is my cost, this means I won't even make profit on any of my listings for a quarter of a year. This is absolutely infuriating, especially because I didn't start this shop as a hobby, but because I need money to survive, because I want to be able to support myself financially with my art because conventional day jobs just aren't working for me. I raised the prices on my items but the burn still hurts. A friend mentioned that I could sell on Ko-fi instead which would net me 100% of the funds right away, so that I never go into debt for my sales even temporarily, so I began slowly adding items to my Ko-fi shop where I already had listings for commissions. (This is still a work in progress as I write this.)
Printful's Return Policy Sucks
This one isn't Etsy's fault, but it sure hurts too and Printful never directly explained what their policy was when I was getting into doing this so like a nincompoop I just left the default 30 day Printful return policy on my items. Simply put, because Printful is a print-on-demand company they do not accept returns or refund for buyer's remorse or even for incorrect sizing (no exchanges whatsoever.) Today I learned that an apparel item that I had sold was the wrong size for my customer so I looked up Printful's return policy and learned that Printful is never going to refund me for what I paid for my customer's item
I quickly got rid of the default Printful return policy on my Etsy shop, but now I'm going to be out $60 which I couldn't afford to lose in order to refund my poor customer. Coming from a decade of working in retail I feel bad not being able to accept returns or exchanges now, but I just can't afford to swallow any costs. It's bad enough how long Etsy takes to pay me even just 70% of of my sales; by the time that they do, Printful has already taken the item cost from me.
Apart from Ko-fi, I'm not Entirely Sure What to do Now.
At the moment I plan on leaving my cheaper listings - cotton t-shirts, stickers, toques/beanies and headbands on my Etsy store and treat it as a gateway to my Ko-fi. However, Ko-fi isn't really an option for growing my business because I have never been a successful artist when it comes to offering commissions and the only people who are going to readily find my Ko-fi are my friends and other artists. The problem with us creative people is while we really love supporting each other by buying each other's merch, we're also often kind of financially challenged because a good pecentage of us are neurodivergent (conventional day jobs are hard for us. It's like asking a Windows computer to run a program coded for Apple.)
I need to have my products available to strangers who have never heard of me before, who stumble across my work because they love wolves or other animals. So, I need to research a new commerce platform. Right now I'm muddling over learning more about WooCommerce and Weebly. I like the idea of a platform that posts ads on social media where strangers might encounter them and buy my work but I may need to launch a website which is yet another monthly fee.
I Haven't Earned Anything; I've LOST Money Instead.
Before I removed all the listings from my Etsy shop I had over 200 listings, each of which cost me $.20 USD ($.28 CAD) a pop. Since at least half of those had to be relisted after three months, all those listings really add up. Now, with Etsy refusing to pay me all of my money, plus ads that I paid for, and with the confusion with Printful's ridiculous return policy I think that I'm out at least $200 which I couldn't afford to spend. All of the Youtube videos about commerce platforms preach Etsy as the best site for artists to sell their work on but I almost want to remove my shop entirely.
I read multiple things about Etsy not being great for artists before I went into this venture but truthfully the Youtube videos that I watched which said the opposite really confused me. Despite its ridiculous return policy I still like Printful but until I make a proper amount of money with it I won't be able to offer refunds at all.
Mostly, I feel like a complete idiot because my dyslexia caused me to not immediately notice particular details* and I'm upset that Etsy and Printful weren't more transparent in their communications with me. The production partner issue could have been solved with a simple picture tutorial included in the email, or even just more detailed instructions instead of the ambiguous 'review your listings' that they wrote into it. Further, as many of my friends have mentioned, Etsy's seller fees are just plain high. It's definitely not a good platform for artists at all.
I'm very grateful to all of my friends and fellow artists for trying to warn people, warn me, that Etsy is no good. I'm upset that my glitchy brain required me to learn why Etsy sucks the hard way, by trying. Hopefully someday I can still find a way to support myself with my creativity and stop hurting from my complete lack of financial independance because normal work is too stressful for me (not to mention how it is damaging my drawing hand's wrist to the point that my doctor is talking about carpal tunnel surgery.)
I'm deeply glad that I never got around to printing any business cards for my Etsy shop; it will continue to exist, for now, as a gateway to my Ko-fi shop and hopefully someday other online marketplaces.
___________________________________________
*This isn't the first time that my dyslexia has screwed me over and it unfortunately probably will not be the last. It prevented me from pursuing my childhood dream career of becoming a wildlife biologist by making math an absolute agony of stressful frustration.
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Pick-A-Pile: Your Future Spouse's Sexy Thoughts About You (18+only)😋💦
🚨🚨Minors (anyone under 18) DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS POST - KEEP SCROLLING🚨🚨
👑Check out my masterlist to see all of my pick-a-card readings😊
🔮Disclaimer: This reading is for entertainment purposes only. Tarot readings are based upon my intuitive interpretation of the cards and about possibilities based on your current energy. Energy is forever changing and nothing is set in stone. Always remember, you have your own free will to make whatever decision you feel is best.
🔮How I read: I use a mix of tarot cards, oracle cards, along with my intuitive abilities of claircognizance, clairaudience, and clairsentience.
🔮How this works: Close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you at this time!
Pile 1
Hi my Pile 1's, your relationship is or likely will be a slow burn. But don't be fooled, they want to ravish you! 😋
I'm getting that your future spouse (fs) is someone who has naturally dark hair (even if it's dyed when you meet them) and is energetic and artistic. What I mean is that they may be fit kind of by default. This person may have adhd or another similar condition, and in order to effectively manage it they go the gym/workout as well as explore their creative side as health productive outlets for their excess energy.
Your fs is totally more than meets the eye, 4 of Pentacles is showing me that they're prudent with their energy and have a very high level of self-awareness. This translates to you thinking that they're all calm, cool, collected and actually disinterested in you when you two first meet.
The 5 of Swords is showing that you'll totally be in your head about this connection. Your fs may trigger some of your insecurities when you first meet. But like I said earlier, don't be fooled by the image they present...it's a facade.
The Lovers and The Chariot together with a Tongue Master 👅 oracle card basically tells me they want to lick your 😺💦 on sight when they meet you (yay, your fs is orally gifted and a bit kinky 😏). Them being so cool and calm is a defensive mechanism.
You two will likely initially meet or connect because of their artistic talents. Like they're an artist 🎨 who does commission work or a highly-rated freelance photographer. The attraction is mutual and instantaneous if neither of you show it outwardly.
This connection is a bit of slow burn🔥 until it turns physically intimate because you will both be struggling with your own insecurities that you trigger in one another. I see 👀 you two working on a project of some type together where you have to be around another frequently (are you a print model or figure model my Pile 1s?🤔). The chemistry between you two is definitely there and will build as the two of you get to know one another and wrestle with your own internal doubts.
Your ass (you have a nice one in their opinion😌) is something they constantly steal glances of when you're around one another and your fs fantasizes about fucking you from behind.
One day, both of your passions will boil over at the same time resulting in a situation similar to the gif that represents this pile. Enjoy 😘
🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮
Pile 2
Hi my Pile 2's! With King of Pentacles and Queen of Cups coming out as the first two cards to describe your future spouse (fs), I'm definitely getting "boss" energy. You're fs has a strong masculine energy, is extremely emotionally intelligent, doing well financially, mature, and likely older than you.
This is the type of person who has learned about Tantric sex and knows how to please their partner!😆 Even though that's the case, your fs has very discriminating tastes when it comes to intimacy (no, they don't discriminate against people...they're just very selective about who they sleep with). A variety of a scenarios are coming through as to how you two meet, but The Reunion oracle card makes me get the vibe that you two initially meet at a mutual friend's gathering. When they see 👀 you, you will immediately spark their interest.
Their first thought will be how much they want to massage your beautiful body (you're hot AF 🥵 my Pile 2's...regardless if you think otherwise). Like their mind will be working overtime trying to figure out the perfect moment to introduce themselves to you at this party. Your fs knows they're good with their hands and can already see you moaning from their caresses😏
The 9 of Swords with the Page of Pentacles let's meet know your fs is aware of their talents (but will have some apprehension about you -- likely because of an age difference), but they want to overstimulate you and make you have a full-body orgasm!😆💦
The Balance oracle card shows how your fs will definitely desire an intimate relationship with you ASAP, but will temper their desires with maturity and move slowly, consistently and intentionally in the way they approach and date you.
I would say my Pile 2's that you will feel very safe and protected with your fs from the start so you'll take them up on a massage they offer early on in your dating/courtship. This will lead to some intense make out sessions early on😏😚
Your fs will touch, relax, pamper and stimulate your body like no one has ever done before. Your first orgasm with them will indeed be when you're both fully clothed and they start plying their magical hands to your body. Yes, wine🍷 will be involved😽
🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮
Pile 3
Ha, my Pile 3's, your future spouse (fs) will be totally unassuming they want to tie you up and dominate you in the most sensual way possible 😏
The Devil card and 6 of Swords is giving me Scorpio vibes of someone who's starting to discover their true nature. I think their starting to do their inner work and accept the more sensual parts of themselves. Your fs is likely a very mild mannered, intelligent and level-headed person. They likely embody the sexy nerd asthetic.
The Hermit card along with the Family oracle card emphasizes this time of inner work and reflection that your fs is/has been doing because they really want to open up and start dating to find a long-term partner, ideally a husband/wife😁 You may work with them in some way, shape or form and likely think they're attractive low-key.
The 5 of Wands is about your mental jousting with yourself about whether to approach your fs or not but in your heart you know if you did, the two of you would be successful with this 2 of Cups that also popped out.
Your fs is sensual vs. rough (for the most part) when it comes to sex so they have been envisioning you elegantly tied up with red silk rope for a while (think wrists tied above your head to the headboard and ankles tied with your legs open in a bent leg position). Ah, they want to lick👅 and kiss💋 all the way down your body😋 (ok the bent leg position makes much more sense now😉)
With the Domination and Silk Sheets oracle cards coming out, I see this scenario ending with you getting your 😸 thoroughly licked👅/your 🍆 thoroughly sucked👅 until you cum. After that, expect to be untied, spanked then fucked until you cum again😳💦
It's a little unclear of how you two will end up having sex initially-- I'm getting for most of you it's a casual date that turned into a real date that led to kinky fun happening.
Don't worry about them having any negative thoughts about you after the fact as I see you might with this Mental Entrapment oracle card. The 8 of Wands and King of Swords shows that you two will talk extensively after the orgasms have calmed down and that you both want the same thing in this connection. This is so sweet🥰
🌟I hope you enjoyed this reading! Please reblog and let me (and others) know what pile or piles resonated with you the most.🌟
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Oh my gosh! Clara! 700 followers!! wow!!! That's amazing!!!!! You deserve them all!!!! the exclamation marks!!!!! cannot!!!!!!! convey!!!!!!!! my happiness/proudness/excitement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You deserve ALL the followers! All of them! and many more! Keep going, you fantastic creature!
Ok for hcs.... Maybe Kili with a strong, buff, gentle giant farm boy? like this dude is tall enough that he struggles in the houses of men and has to duck under doorframes constantly and Kili sees him and is like "......... 0o0 I'm very much in love with this man". He tells Fili and Fili rolls his eyes and goes "you're in love with everyone you meet" and Kili's like "No really he's my one" (I'm sorry that's so long and specific but I've been thinking about this for days)
Ok and then also Eowyn with a farmgirl/cowgirl? (I'm sorry, I keep wearing my mom's cowboy boots and now I'm fixating on farms)
You don't have to do them both, I just couldn't pick! (and don't feel pressure to do either one)
Love you! Congratulations!!
YOU HAVE MADE MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH THIS ASK THANK YOU:
this is the face of a lad who is respectfully looking up at the 6′9 giant man who just came into the tavern and bumped his head on the doorframe. Kili is just in total awe, looking (again, respectfully) at the massive muscles toned and hardened from years of working in the fields and stables, and the goofy smile and shrug the farm boy sends his way after catching him looking (a gesture that truly meant “whoops bumped my head again oh well” but for kili it made his entire face flush). Kili immediately would tear his eyes away and look down into his ale, and Fili, noticing all of this, knows exactly what’s going to go down and rolls his eyes before ordering another round and asking the bartender to slide an ale over to the farm boy and say it was from kili (king).
kili is not aware of this since he’s currently doing the adhd zone-out and imagining his life with the farmboy in his head so it comes to great surprise when the farm boy plops down next to kili a few minutes later and fili slides away.
the poor lad would be blushing like mad as the farmboy thanks him for the drink and starts making conversation, but kili composes himself quickly and starts his usual flirty antics.
“You look fairly strong,” he notes, looking the farmboy up and down. At this point in the conversation, kili would have used his charms and now the farmboy is blushing.
“i suppose so,” he says, taking another sip of ale. kili smirks.
“I’ve yet to meet a human able to beat a dwarf in a test of raw strength. Care for an arm-wrestle?”
The farmboy agrees, and kili holds his own for a good while, but the farmboy overpowers him in the end, which makes kili’s bisexual brain explode. anyways, one thing leads to another and soon they become lovers.
A few highlights:
-Kili’s favorite thing is getting picked up. Farmboy can do it with no effort and Kili just smiles like an idiot as he gets carried around in his big strong arms.
-Height difference. especially with kisses. Either Kili finds a stool or Farmboy picks him up against the wall. they both prefer the latter.
-Kili introducing Dís and Thorin to the farmboy and Thorin being skeptical because ‘not a dwarf’ but Dís being thrilled (and slightly concerned at how long farmboy will be able to not injure himself walking through their house)
-’as you wish’
-Kili walking through town with his hand in Farmboy’s, even tho he has to reach up slightly to grab it.
-cuddles with Kili being the happiest little spoon in the world and Farmboy feeling a compelling urge to protect the incredibly accident-prone and impulsive dwarf he loves
-Kili constantly looking up at his super sweet and strong farmboy bf with admiration and the stupid-with-love bisexual awe eyes
-Fili thinking he had peace now that kili was with someone but ending up having to listen to kili rant a billion times a day about how amazing his boyfriend is.
#700 followers#kili#kili x farmboy#kili headcannon#bisexual kili#the hobbit#fili#dís#thorin#the hobbit headcannons
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fanfic ask game (emojis don't show up very well on my laptop so here's the full text questions): Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?; What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?; Current number of WIPs; Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?
There's one that's like....I probably WILL publish it at some point, because I have no filter about these sorts of things, for better or worse, but I've been working on it on and off for the last...two years, at this point. It's set in the same basic universe as "Mizenhead", so it's a modern college AU dealing with the Mythological Cycle. And it deals with Bres...really struggling to get an assignment in, and it's high stakes because Elatha has told him that it's either he gets all first class honours or he gets yanked back to Norway, to start his training to take over Elatha's fishing company. And Bres is freaking out because he essentially has undiagnosed ADHD , he hasn't been able to force himself to do the assignment up until now, and the deadline is midnight.
And I started writing it at the start of the pandemic, when I was really facing down a lot of my own issues with executive dysfunction and facing the possibility of being yanked back to a country I didn't particularly want to be yanked back to, and since then I've seen the same thing happen to me time after time again where I essentially cut my mental health to ribbons to turn in papers that I know are immensely flawed, and it's this combination of something being a little bit too relevant, to the point of basically being an apology to everyone who's ever had to deal with me as a scholar and as a student, as well as being based on and reflecting a time that I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about. (I know, in real life...even though my endgame for the fic has always been to keep it unresolved for Bres....Elatha DID yank him back to Norway. It WASN'T enough.)
So, basically, I think it could be very cathartic to get out but I also think it's personal in a way that relatively few fics are.
What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?
Night time, especially in the very, very late hours when things are quiet. At that point, I've finally kind of settled into myself, I'm firmly awake, I've had enough time to procrastinate on everything else, so I can focus purely on what's in front of me. During the day time, I tend to be totally unfocused.
Current number of WIPs
about.......79, give or take one.
..........................no, I don't know where they came from.
Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
Research is probably one of my favorite things to do for any given fic and it's definitely the thing that can make or break whether a project gets done (If I can't do the research for it, it doesn't get done.)
So, for a lot of fics, I've been known to break paywalls in order to get ahold of resources. One of my personal favorite examples is the book "Growing Up French", which was invaluable for writing Young!Lazare in the Childhood Friends AU.
Whenever I can, I try to go on location, or as close to it as I can -- When I was in Ireland, we had a lovely fort nearby, so I would fairly regularly go there and then climb up and down the stairs (as a way of figuring out how Lazare would feel when he's in the Bastille -- answer: Stairs in old forts tend to be quite uneven and I regularly had my knees going up to my stomach), I've been known to take up languages as a way of trying to get into a character's headspace. Probably the most infamous example of that would be the September Massacres AU for 1789, which had Ronan and Lazare fleeing to Brittany -- I haven't touched it in five years mainly because I decided, at some point, that if I'm going to write about this, I'm going to be as responsible about it as possible, and I'm not going to do anything until I've actually had the chance to go to Brittany and pick up some of the language.
Like, in general, in just about any fic you're getting from me, there's probably at a minimum 15-20 hours of research put in, more if it's a larger fic.
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