I like that I’m Aroace and coincidentally, orange, green, blue, and purple happen to be some of my favorite colors

Arms Wide Open - Chapter 2

Din should refuse.  He was going to refuse.  How would he keep himself from looking like a fool over an entire evening with you?  And then there was the issue of the helmet…

While he was busy formulating a response to let you down easy, Grogu took the decision out of his hands, jumping directly into your arms without warning and nodding vigorously in the affirmative.

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Summary: An enjoyable evening gives way to a surprise.

Notes: All of my stories have some ace and aro spectrum representation, and while it won’t be a primary focus of this story, those who follow my writing for this reason should know Din is meant to be greysexual/greyromantic in this story.  He’s clearly experiencing an immediate attraction to this person, and it’s surprising him a lot because he hasn’t felt that draw very often in his life.  Hence my favorite - awkward Din.

Warnings: Some mildly spicy inner monologue.

Word count: 1.5k

Read on AO3

________________________________________

You exited the shop feeling light, maybe even a bit giddy.  It had been a long time since you’d found yourself in such a girlish state.

Your mind was filled with questions. 

Of course you wondered why a Mandalorian was residing in Nevarro given the recent news that Mandalore had been reclaimed, how he came to garner such respect from the locals, and by what circumstances he became caretaker to such an unusual child…

But more importantly - 

How old was he?  What did he look like?  And was he single?

You’d have to ask one of your coworkers tomorrow what they knew about him - make sure he was neither some young buck nor an elderly man under there… and definitively unattached… before you considered getting to know him with certain intentions in mind.

But as fate would have it, interrogating your colleagues would be unnecessary.

“Flora?”

Oh, that voice.  You’d be dreaming about it tonight.

You whirled around to face the subject of your musings and his tiny ward, trying hard to keep the delighted smile from your face.  Maybe he felt it, too.

“Yes?”

He stood awkwardly, fumbling with his posture as he stumbled a bit with his words, but regardless, he was absolutely resplendent, the Nevarro sunset reflecting beautifully off of his armor.  And the physique which was more obvious as he stood just before you… wow…

“Well, uhhh… Grogu… and I…  If you’re not in a rush, we’d love… uhmmm… like… to show you around…”

Oh, you could sense it clearly now.  He liked you, too.

You’d never felt that you were much to look at, especially as the fine lines settled around your eyes and grays peppered your hair.  But this man was drawn to something about you, nonetheless… and you were not going to turn him down.

You smiled broadly.

“I would love that.”

—-------------------------------------

Din relaxed quite a bit as you walked around the town center together.  He was definitely in his element here.

While he focused more on the practical, showing you where to purchase all of the basic necessities and find the public facilities, Grogu was on a mission to introduce you to the best dining and sweet treats.  He toddled in front of you, pointing you toward each destination as you followed behind, feigning excitement at each and every one.

Din finally turned to you as you slowly meandered toward the open-air cafe under Grogu’s guidance to engage in real conversation.  “Thank you for humoring him,” he said sincerely.  “He’s having the time of his life right now.  I’m not nearly so patient.”

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” you replied.  “He’s a very sweet child… though I think that blue cookie is probably melting in my pocket.”

Din huffed.  “Sorry about that.  It does wash out - don’t ask me how I know…”

“I can only imagine,” you responded lightly.

“Best if you don’t...” he deadpanned.

You laughed out loud at that, and Din thought it might be the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard.

Nobody ever thought his dry humor was actually funny.  How were you so different?

“Hey,” you said, knocking his shoulder with your own.  “I still feel like I owe you.  Could I cook you dinner?  I love cooking, and opportunities to make a meal for friends are far and few between these days.”

Din should refuse.  He was going to refuse.  How would he keep himself from looking like a fool over an entire evening with you?  And then there was the issue of the helmet…

While he was busy formulating a response to let you down easy, Grogu took the decision out of his hands, jumping directly into your arms without warning and nodding vigorously in the affirmative.

And once Din heard your joyous laugh in response, he couldn’t imagine saying ‘no’.

It didn’t even register that you’d just witnessed Grogu’s force jump…

—---------------------------

In the end, you’d all made your way to Din’s cabin, which was in relatively close proximity to your own, as you remembered that you’d not yet unpacked most of your dishes and utensils.

His place was remarkably modest and simple, though he’d clearly put in an effort to provide the comforts needed for a child.  Grogu’s artwork decorated many of the walls, and you spied a few toys and other knick-knacks on the porch and in the living area.

Din had admitted apologetically as you looked through his meager kitchen cabinets that he wasn’t much of a cook and had a bare minimum of supplies at the ready.

“Not to worry, Din,” you’d reassured him, with a hand to his shoulder.  Gosh, you touched him so easily.  “I can still put together something decent, I’m sure.  And I can teach you a few things, too… if you want…”

Your offer may have been a mistake - except no, it definitely was not.  You nearly died when he came to stand beside you, peeling off his gloves and washing his hands in the kitchen sink.  Gods, what would happen if you ever saw the rest of him?

I’m a grown woman, you reminded yourself as you regained some of your composure, and I can handle a man’s attractive hands.

All in all, it went very well.  Din was so earnest in his desire to learn, probably to provide his child with more satisfying food options, that you couldn’t help but admire his effort even as he fumbled through much of what you were trying to teach him.  It was rather endearing, honestly.

And he finally, truly relaxed, falling into comfortable conversation as you worked.

He told you about his recent involvement in the retaking of Mandalore, why he was here and not there, and about his under-the-radar work with the New Republic, an endeavor at its root meant to serve his good friend and leader of his planet, none other than the Mandalorian princess, Bo-Katan Kryze.  

Maker, this man had a galactic presence - and here you were standing in his kitchen with his child hanging off your leg teaching him how to season grains.

You told him about your own decidely less exciting adventures in agricultural science, too.  For several years, you’d been an academic, teaching and doing research at several of the core universities after earning your doctorate.  But you had longed to be back in the field, doing the hands-on work, and that’s how you found yourself here in Nevarro, leading Greef Karga’s new initiative to promote homegrown agriculture on the arid planet.

Holy kriff, Din thought.  She may be too smart for me.

—-------------------------------------

You waited with baited breath for the moment Din would take off the helmet as you all sat down at the table to eat.  You were dying to know what he looked like.  Thank the Maker you’d been blessed with patience.

Din hesitated for just a breath with one hand grasping the lower edge, like he was thinking it through, before lifting the helmet only just past his chin to take a bite. 

What?

Grogu seemed unbothered - this was apparently typical mealtime behavior.  

Was the helmet a whole thing?  Was he not allowed to remove it?  Hmmm… you’d have to do some research about Mandalorian customs.

No matter - you didn’t really care how he looked.  And anyway, the stubbly beard you’d glimpsed was patched with gray, confirming at least that he was probably age-appropriate.  That was enough for now. 

You pushed those thoughts out of your mind and enjoyed your meal, keeping your eyes averted as much as you could to respect this boundary, even if it didn’t make any sense.

—-------------------------------------

Din noticed right away what you were doing - and it fostered a strange, contradictory feeling.  

He sort of wanted you to look - to see as much of him as he could allow you.  But at the same time… Stars, he was much more comfortable that you weren’t… and it was so much easier to relax and enjoy this very unexpected turn of events knowing that you had some inherent degree of respect for his creed.

In fact, he couldn’t remember such an enjoyable evening as this in the recent… or distant… past.  He could get used to it - but that was definitely putting the cart before the fathier.  Regardless, he really liked you, and it had been a very long time since he’d felt this kind of warm draw toward another person.

But an unexpected turn threatened to pop the little bubble of blissful companionship you’d fostered over the last few hours.

“Oh, what’s this?’

Din watched in slow motion as you noticed the metal gear knob that had been resting on the floor beside your chair and reached down to take it in your hand.  

Turning toward Grogu in no small amount of panic, he meant to warn him not to do the thing he was certainly about to do… right in front of you - a kind stranger… but a stranger still nonetheless.

But it was too late.

The knob flew out of your hand directly into that of his small son’s.

A collective gasp echoed around the table - Grogu as he realized his error, Din in abject panic, and you in delighted wonder.

Din couldn’t breath - this was all going to be over before it had even begun.  And what if you weren’t who you said you were?  

And then your mouth turned up into a smile.  

“I knew it…”

And the knob flew back into your outstretched hand.

—-------------------------------------

Next chapter

June 17: Chengxian 💜🖤💕

childhood friends to lovers/QPPs, ace Jiang Cheng, bi & aro Wei Wuxian, modern AU

(A/N: If you're wondering about a certain other someone, he will have a wonderful, full life of his own in Suzhou in this AU but is not in this story. 💙 There are some brief mentions of offscreen ace-antagonism, not by anyone we know.)

Read on ao3

Jiang Cheng had been Wei Ying's best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

Okay. Well, not quite his entire life, but certainly since Wei Ying’s parents moved to California when he was little little, which was about as far back as Wei Ying could remember anyway. Wei Ying’s baba and Jiang Cheng’s baba had grown up in Wuhan together and been best friends when they were kids, so naturally, when Wei Ying’s family moved into the same neighborhood as the Jiangs, it made perfect sense for Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng to become best friends too.

It was Jiang Cheng who had taught Wei Ying that he didn't have to be afraid of dogs, by introducing him to Princess, Jasmine, and Lil' Love. Lil' Love lived up to her name, coming and quietly sitting in all her fluffy glory on Wei Ying’s lap every time he went over to play.

It was also Jiang Cheng who Wei Ying got drunk with for the first time. They snuck booze from the cabinet where Wei Ying’s parents kept it and laughed at the faces each other made with every shot until they stopped tasting the harsh burn, and then laughing more just because.

(Wei Ying’s mom had not laughed, not at the time, when the two teens had been sick as anything the next morning, but instead made them a gloriously greasy late breakfast and gave them lots of advice about proper hydration.

Then she told Jiang Cheng’s mom and let her scold them.)

It was Jiang Cheng who came out first, their first semester in college, when he told Wei Ying he didn't think he wanted to have sex with anyone, ever, and asked if Wei Ying thought that meant no one would ever want to date him. Wei Ying hugged him tight and told him he didn't know about everyone out there, but he knew Jiang Cheng was the best guy in the world and would be an awesome boyfriend, and he'd fight anyone who said differently.

Jiang Cheng found a group on campus for third culture LBGT kids, and Wei Ying went with him, as a supportive ally.

Which was how Wei Ying figured out that he was not just a supportive ally.

In listening to the others talk about orientation and identity and attraction and cultural expectations, Wei Ying realized that what he'd always assumed was normal—finding all kinds of people physically attractive, regardless of their gender—was actually his bisexuality. So that was kind of cool.

"So yeah, now we can be queer together!" Wei Ying said, when he excitedly shared his newfound realization with Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng snorted. "Yeah, 'all' and 'nothing,'" he joked.

It was Jiang Cheng who'd helped him practice what to say to his parents when he wanted to change his major at the end of sophomore year, and Jiang Cheng who reminded him to eat and sleep and "take a fucking break, Wei Ying," those next couple semesters when he took way too many hours so he wouldn't have to rack up a whole extra year's worth of student loans to finish his new degree plan.

It was Jiang Cheng who graduated first, on a gorgeous blue-skyed sunny day in May, and Jiang Cheng who suggested Wei Ying keep living with him at his new apartment, so he wouldn't have to try to find a one-semester lease until he finished in December.

(They renewed the lease together every time.)

Jiang Cheng ribbed him playfully each time Wei Ying met someone new, but he was always there each times things fizzled out after a few months for reasons that never quite made sense to Wei Ying.

Jiang Cheng occasionally dated too, and Wei Ying was glad he never did have to fight anybody—though he did drive Jiang Cheng to the emergency room the time he came home with split knuckles from punching a guy who, "seemed to think I didn't know my own mind about certain things."

But dating sucked for everybody, right? It wasn't like Wei Ying or Jiang Cheng were in any hurry to settle down and do the whole spouse and kids thing or whatever. Wei Ying tried to imagine it and just... couldn't, though the image of Jiang Cheng with a baby was admittedly pretty cute.

~

It was not Jiang Cheng, but Jiang Yanli, a few months after she proposed to her girlfriend and they started planning their wedding, who Wei Ying finally asked, "Yanli-jie, how does a person decide someone else is their person?"

Jiang Yanli looked across the room to where Jiang Cheng was showing her soon-to-be-wife how to put side spin on a billiards ball and smiled. "I think you just know," she said. "You meet someone and you get to know them, spend time together, then one day you realize you love them and want to build the rest of your life with them."

Wei Ying wrinkled his nose. "I dunno if it works that way for me. Just some random person? I've never met anyone I can imagine wanting to live with all the time. Well, besides—huh..." he cut off suddenly and darted a look over at Jiang Yanli, who just calmly sipped her drink.

"Have you ever told him that?" she asked, after a moment where Wei Ying reassessed his entire life and dating history. "I think he might appreciate hearing it."

"I... huh. Yanli-jie, you're kinda blowing my mind here," he complained.

"I gathered," she said wryly, before fixing him with a smile that made all the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "Of course, I trust," she told him, "that I do not need to explain to you of all people how very dearly I hold my didi's happiness and well-being."

He swallowed and raised three fingers in the salute he'd used ever since the summer that—hah—he and Jiang Cheng had decided as kids that they would make their own oath of brotherhood like the heroes of their favorite show. "I, Wei Ying, swear to you that I would kick my own ass before I did anything to hurt him."

Jiang Yanli leaned over to knock her shoulder against his and nodded. "That's what I thought."

~

Turned out, dating Jiang Cheng didn't suck at all.

It felt easy in a way Wei Ying’s past dates never had, less like trying to keep up with a game whose rules everybody knew except him, more like... well, like spending time with his best friend in the whole world, but on purpose. There was also a tension in the back of Wei Ying’s mind that seemed to have lifted, though he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that had gone.

It was Jiang Cheng who helped him figure it out.

"I think it's that now I'm able to count on this. On us," he said, when Wei Ying brought it up. "Before, whenever you went out with someone new, I wondered if this would be the time you'd find someone to fall in love with and leave me behind."

"Aww, Chengcheng! I would never!"

Jiang Cheng huffed and rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were pink. "Well, I know that now," he said, a pleased little smile breaking through his attempts at a scowl.

"As long as you're sure—" Wei Ying began, still getting used to thinking about himself with the word "aromantic." Still a so very sure that Jiang Cheng deserved to be fallen in love with.

"Hey!" Jiang Cheng cut him off. "None of that. I know you. And I know you don't see it this way, but I personally think it's pretty damn romantic that you choose to love me, on purpose."

"I simply have exquisite taste in life partners," Wei Ying sniffed, embarassed the way he always got when Jiang Cheng declared something he'd done "romantic."

"You do," Jiang Cheng agreed. "Someone told me a long time ago I was the best guy in the world and would make an awesome boyfriend, and that he would fight anyone who said differently."

Wei Ying laughed. "That's you and your sister I've promised to kick my own ass if I ever break your heart, then. Guess I'll just have to keep you forever."

"Damn right, you will," Jiang Cheng agreed, grinning smug and happy and breathtakingly beautiful. Wei Ying leaned across the couch to give him a sweet, closed-mouth kiss—the kind Jiang Cheng had shyly admitted he actually did like, a lot—and smiled too, at how lucky he'd gotten to be with his best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

🖤💜

Today's (extremely long!) thread was inspired by this WONDERFUL art of ace Jiang Cheng and bi & aro Wei Ying! Go give Midori some love on Twitter!

I spent a nonzero amount of time googling to double check when various terms and flags came into vogue, so if you're wondering, WWX & JC were in college in the early 2000s, before the ace and aro flags were designed. By the time they get themselves figured out, they can get their cute wristbands.

...which, yes, means these dingdongs spent about a solid decade living together before realizing that was what they wanted to do forever. 😉

This also means Jiang Yanli and her unnamed wife here are getting married between when California started recognizing same-sex marriages in 2008 and the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling in 2015! THIS SHIT'S RECENT!!!

Happy Pride, thank you for reading, check out more LGBTQIA+ sweetness on my #PrideMonthSnippets Masterpost!

@tsuki-chibi​ / SailorChibi(AO3)

Ok, so after several months of radio silence, it was time for me to come back to work and post one of my “fic of the month”, but since I literally read everything Miraculous Ladybug written by Sailor/TsukiChibi, I decided to make an author special. This is my first one; the template may change with time.

As I’m writing this, Chibi has 76 works on her AO3 for the Miraculous Ladybug fandom. She has also many fics related to the MCU, Sherlock TV series and Supernatural. Kudos for so much inspiration!

Warning: Long post ahead!

Her fics are ALL worth reading, but here are some of my favorites:

Duststorm: Words:2960 - Chapters:1/1 Summary: Sandboy shows Ladybug one of her worst nightmares. It affects Ladybug far more than she would've expected, and Chat Noir is doing no better.

What I liked: The emotional comfort, The way Ladybug’s resolution to keep their identities secret is just thrown through the window

Black and White and Red All Over: Words:5222 - Chapters:1/1 Summary: Ladybug didn't know that Chat Noir had a sibling. She finds out in the worst way possible.

What I liked: Chat Noir not being Chat Blanc, Adrien having a sibling, Bridgette’s cameo, an akuma with enough control to team up with Ladybug

Shared Characteristics: Words:2895 - Chapters:1/1 Summary :Out of all the things Nino and Alya could've inherited from their kwamis, it would be a heat.

What I liked: DJWifi and the fun factor, really. Imagining them in heat and how they deal with it is just hilarious.

Miraculous Online:  Words:2619 - Chapters:1/1 Summary: What do you do when you're freed after having been trapped inside of an online game for over two years? Adrien finds his partner.

What I liked: It made me watch Sword Art Online and, re-reading it after, I could even more appreciate the fic!

Tripped at Fencing:  Words:5326 - Chapters:1/1 Summary: Of the all the ways for Ladybug to figure out his identity, Adrien never thought it would be because his father had slapped him.

What I liked: The hurt to comfort and Gabriel A+ parenting. Seriously, this is a sweet fic where you just want to give Adrien a hug or adopt him.

Kitten-ing Around: Words:959 - Chapters:1/1 Summary: Chat had a bad habit of making too many puns. Ladybug had a bad habit of pushing him off rooftops. Technically, that meant they were both to blame.

What I liked: the easy reveal. There’s no drama, no fight, just kids kitten-ing around and messing up their secret identities.

Miraculous Hive (series):  Works:5 - Complete: No Summary:  Following Chameleon, Chloe figures out who Ladybug and Chat Noir. Her bee instincts then set off a chain of events that change everything.

What I liked: Chloe POV (I haven’t read a lot of fics written from another POV outside of Adrien’s and Marinette’s) and Chloe’s redemption. I’m pro Chloe’s redemption. She’s just a kid who does what she does because of the way she has been brought to see the world (contrarily to Lila who’s genuinely bad imo)

And I’d give up Forever: Words:26829 - Chapters:13/13 Summary: Marinette and Adrien were hiding out in a motel room. Paris knew they were Ladybug and Chat Noir and hated them, and they in turn knew that Gabriel was Hawkmoth. This is one situation that they can't fix alone.

What I liked: I actually dreaded to read this one. I was trying to avoid angsty fics, but the summary about “Paris hating them” made me think they hated them for, idk, being bad at what they do. I was relieved when I understood this was caused by an akuma. The hurt to comfort, the fight against Hakwmoth and how Marinette and Adrien end up so attached to each other made me love this fic.

The Butterfly Effect:  Words:22632 - Chapters:8/8 Summary: When Hawkmoth wins and wishes for a new timeline where Emilie Agreste is alive, Marinette and Adrien are the only other ones who remember everything about the old timeline. But Ladybug and Chat Noir don't know each other's identities, and coming together to beat Hawkmoth once and for all may not be as easy as it seems.

What I liked: Adrien seeing his mother again (and finally having the chance to say properly goodbye to her), Marinette’s proof of love for Adrien by giving him the chance to keep his mother, and when Marinette and Adrien find each other. Reading Adrien snapping at his overworked life was nice too :) He needs vacations...

Guess Who:  Words:13142 - Chapters:31/31 Summary: Marinette thought a Halloween party with her friends would be fun. That was before someone died. In this choose your own ending story, can you help Marinette make it to the end alive? Reader beware... you’re in for a scare!

What I liked: Where do I actually start?! This fic is a crack and is so fun to read. It’s in the format “Choose Your Own Adventure”. I read it on my phone, set on “Chapter by Chapter” and the links from a chapter to another makes it like a RPG. I was reading it during my breaks at work and just couldn’t stop thinking about it, about who was guilty. I actually guessed right and couldn’t stop laughing.

Fruitful (series):  Works:3 - Complete: Yes Summary:  Adrien and Marinette are telepathic soulmates. That’s not always a good thing, but neither of them would give up their deep bond for anything.

What I liked: I love soulmate AUs, Marinette being there for Adrien when he’s alone, how losing the other affects them, Chloe playing the game for their sake

By my Side (When the Rain Comes Pouring in): Words:81938 - Chapters:28/28 Summary: Two years after Marinette got her miraculous, she meets Adrien Agreste for the first time. In spite of an initial gum-related bump in the road, they become fast friends thanks to their shared interest in fashion and design. But there's something funny about Adrien. He seems to suffer from terminal clumsiness just like Marinette, frequently sporting sprained wrists and ankles, new bruises, and other injuries. Injuries which look suspiciously similar to the ones that Ladybug's beloved partner has...

What I liked: Adrien’s heartbreaking situation at home, Hawkmoth’s reveal, Marinette and Plagg’s complicity

Honorable mentions:

Lovesquare Ficlet Collection 2019 (Works:8 - Complete: Yes) and Lovesquare 2019 Ficlet Expansions (Works:5 - Complete: No)

2020 Lovesquare Prompt Months (Works:7 - Complete: No)

aro-ace Valentine fics (Works:17 - Complete: No)

Cat in the Night (Words:1926 - Chapters:1/1 )

Lap Pillow:  (Words:1496 - Chapters:1/1)

Trolling Alya:  (Words:14502 - Chapters:12/12)  

Arctique: (Words:19714 - Chapters:9/9)

With that, I’m done! 

Thank you so much Chibi for all the work you’ve done and for all fluff and comfort you put in your fics! 

Please read, share and leave kudos on her works!

-----

If you know ML writers you’d like to shout out, or are a ML writer yourself, please contact me!! @clawsout83​

So this project represents a lot for me. 

I haven’t seen it or touched it in months; I can’t even remember the last time I worked on it. 

Originally, it was intended to be a gift for my partner. Her favorite color is purple, and since she lived across the pond (I’m in California, she’s in the UK), I wanted to knit her something to make her think of me - not that that was ever an issue, as we talked everyday for the entire length of our friendship. 

Even though we never met, we had this plan that eventually we would, we would get married, find a house in the country side, live the whole cottagecore dream. It made sense; there’s no one I’ve ever clicked with more than her. We were a perfect match in so many aspects, and to this day, I don’t think anyone has ever understood me the way she did. 

But in February of this year, she broke up with me. 

I use that phrase very liberally. We were never actually dating, at least not from my point of view. But during the end of our friendship that was a constant point of stress; she wanted more, but I didn’t want to tie her, or myself, to something that couldn’t happen until years into the future. And to make matters worse, during our time together I realized I may be aromantic. I wish I’d known going into it, then I could have saved us both a lot of heart ache, but I’d never had a serious relationship before. 

In the beginning she tried to be supportive. I started to realize I may be aromantic about a year before I actually told her, and the realization was crushing. I didn’t want to be aromantic. I wanted to be normal, to have the life we dreamed of together, and this made me feel like we never could. It was months and months of me trying to prove to myself I couldn’t possibly be aro, and then even more months of me talking to other aro people, trying to come to terms with it and understand what it meant for me. And, more importantly, what it meant for Her. 

I think one of the worst part of being aro, as opposed to being ace, is how She reacted to it. If I had been ace, she would have been fine. Ace means no sex, or maybe only sometimes, and that was something she could respect. What she couldn’t live with was the idea that I didn’t love her enough. And it didn’t matter that that wasn’t true - I’ve never loved anyone like I loved her. For two years, I talked to her what felt like all day every day. I told her anything and everything about myself, things I could never tell anyone else. I poured so much of my life into Her. 

But it wasn’t enough. Because I was aromantic, and she couldn’t see the difference between how I felt about her, and how I felt about my best friend. I tried to explain it everyway I knew how from my little bit of experience, I showed her the split attraction model and tried to make her understand the difference, but she just... couldn’t. And it was awful. It made me feel awful, for hurting her, and for the way she hurt me, made me feel like my love would never be enough for her, even when I gave her all I had to give. 

For all her talk about love, how there are so many different kinds, she really doesn’t understand it at all. If she did, she wouldn’t have grown to resent me, she would have seen how much I loved her, even if it was different from the way she loved me. 

But I think the biggest tragedy, is that it never had to happen in the first place. We didn’t need to break up because we were never dating. At least, that’s what I thought. And whenever it came up, I made sure to gently remind her that I saw us as friends, and that I didn’t want her restricting herself to only me. it wasn’t fair to either of us. She always insisted she knew, she wasn’t stupid, she just didn’t want anyone else, but the pressure of knowing she was entirely devoted to me was suffocating. 

I realized later, long after the final fight that ended things between us permanently, that she spent the last several months of our relationship lying to me. I could pinpoint the exact day when her resentment began to fester and build, until it finally culminated on February 17th; ironically during aro awareness week.

It was October 18th. Half an hour before my Statistics class, we were talking as usual. She mentioned her mother who asked if the two of us were dating, and I made some comment I don’t even remember, but I’m sure you can guess meant something along the lines of, “You know we’re not together.” She agreed, but her tone was completely different, and then she stopped talking to me all together. For the rest of the day, and the next. I tried to continue messaging her here and there, but she ignored me, until I finally gave up. She agreed, but in February, she put the final nail in the coffin when she said, “I was only telling you what you wanted to hear.”

And that completely shattered my world. Months of our relationship had been built on lies. She told me that from the day I told her I thought I was aromantic, she knew we wouldn’t stay together. Long before that she told me that whatever happened, romantic relationship or not, we would always be friends. And then she destroyed that too. 

Sometimes I wish i was ace instead. People in our community are so much more willing to accept that over aros. Because it’s fine to not want sex, but God forbid you don’t feel love. At least, not the way someone else wants you to. It doesn’t matter if the love you feel is everything to you, it will never be enough to them. To Her. 

I loved her so much, for so long, that when she left, it felt like she took all of me with her. I gave her everything and there was nothing left for me. I’m nothing like who I was before. 

It took me months to scrape the pieces of my life back together. I went to school, I somehow managed to pass my classes, I even started making a few friends, before the quarantine. I managed to finally start working in May with the job I’d been working towards for two years. I’m not the same, and I doubt I ever will be - the first major heartbreak will do that to you - but I’m getting better, 

And then she decides to drunk text me out of the blue, and it’s like I’d lost all of that progress I made. As soon as I saw her name flash across my screen I felt my stomach twist up in knots. I was cold and shaking with the worst anxiety attack I’d had in months. And all it took was a single text. I didn’t even have to read it, just see her name. 

There were more, of course, she couldn’t leave it at just one. I somehow found the strength not to respond, even though I’ve thought about texting her every day since our break up. In the beginning I wanted to apologize - even though I didn’t know what for, aside for being who I am - and then I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me, and then I just wanted to know why. But I didn’t. Because I promised her I wouldn’t. And then she decides the fragile rules that she set between us, didn’t apply to her. That she has the right to come in and out of my life as it suits her, with no regard for how hard I’ve had to work to get over her. 

But I didn’t respond, and she deleted the messages, and I still don’t know what, if anything, to say. I want to ask her if she’s trying to hurt me. I want to tell her not to drunk text me, because I hated it before and I hate it now, and it was her drunk texting that started this all, long before I realized I was aro and she realized she couldn’t live with it. 

I gave her everything I was and more, and now all I have is this half-finished blanket in Her favorite color, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore. 

The Ace-ing on the Cake Part 3: Flowers

Or read it on AO3: The Ace-ing on the Cake

Part of my Aro-Ace Valentine Collection.

--------

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

Plagg was quiet for a long time. Too long. Adrien glanced up as he finished making his bed – most people assumed that the servants did that, but Adrien had always taken care of cleaning his own room. It was something he’d doubled down on after getting a miraculous: he couldn’t risk having Plagg be discovered by a well-meaning maid. Bad enough Nathalie sometimes gave Adrien a weird look when she noticed a stash of Camembert.

“Plagg?” Adrien said.

“You know what, you’re right,” Plagg said, seemingly coming to a decision. “You bought the flowers and you should give them to her.”

Adrien narrowed his eyes. “You’ve been trying to talk me out of this for the past hour. What’s changed?”

“Nothing,” Plagg said in a way that meant something definitely had. “Shouldn’t you get going?”

Much as he wanted to press for details, Adrien realized that his kwami was right. “Plagg, claws out!”

Once transformed, he carefully picked up the bouquet of flowers he had purchased for Marinette last night on his way home. Usually his luck was purely of the not-so-good variety, but Ladybug must have been looking out for him as he’d passed over a florist that was still open. The delighted woman had been very helpful indeed, putting together a colorful bouquet of chrysanthemums and hydrangeas. She’d reassured him that both flowers meant gratitude and thanks.

He tucked the bouquet under his arm and jumped out the window, taking a shortcut across the roofs towards the bakery. It was early yet, just after ten, so he knew that chances were high that Marinette would still be at home. She might even still be in bed since, according to Alya, Marinette hated getting up early and loved to sleep in. She and Ladybug had that in common.

Chat alighted on the balcony outside Marinette’s room and crouched down. There was a curtain drawn over the window, so he knocked and waited. No answer. He knocked a second time, just in case Marinette was there and hadn’t heard him, but still nothing. He looked down at the bouquet and decided to leave it on her chair. She wouldn’t know it was from him since he hadn’t included a card, but Marinette was smart enough to realize how few people had access to her balcony.

But no sooner had he set the flowers down on the chair than the curtain rustled and Marinette’s face appeared. Her eyes bugged out in surprise when she saw him; Chat smiled weakly and waved, realizing that Plagg had probably been right. He was wondering if it would be better if he just left when the frame rattled, and then the window popped open and Marinette stuck her head out.

“Chat Noir? What are you doing here?” she asked in astonishment.

“I just… I wanted to say thank you for last night,” Chat said.

“Last night? I didn’t do anything,” Marinette said, scrunching her nose up the way she always did when she was trying to figure something out. Chat couldn’t help smiling.

“Sure you did. You listened to this silly cat when no one else was around. That means a lot to me,” he admitted, feeling a little awkward. “So I got you these.” He picked up the bouquet again and held it out.

“Oh…” Marinette’s lips parted with a breathy sound of shock, but she said nothing else as she climbed out onto the balcony to join him. She was wearing sneakers, jeans, a pink t-shirt, and a pink apron that had a few smears of chocolate on it, and he belatedly realized she must have been helping her parents in the bakery.

She took the bouquet and slowly opened the paper. Chat watched her face closely as she took in the blue and pink flowers – blue for her eyes, and pink because he knew it was her favorite color. Something in her expression seemed to soften, and, when she looked up at him again, it was with a gentle smile that brightened her tired eyes and made Chat’s heart stutter a little too hard.

“Thank you, Chat Noir,” she said. “They’re beautiful. But you really didn’t have to get me anything. I was happy to be a friend when you needed one.”

“I appreciate that,” Chat told her, meaning it more than she could ever know. He had precious few friends, and even fewer that he could’ve talked to the way he had to Marinette last night. Nino was completely amazing, but Chat just didn’t think he would understand.

It helped that he knew Marinette would never tell another soul, even though her best friend ran the Ladyblog and would go bonkers for a scoop like that. As both Adrien and Chat Noir, he had to be so careful about who he shared things with – he’d learned that the hard way. For a moment he wished he could detransform and repeat everything he’d said last night, but this time be able to say it as Adrien.

That wouldn’t work, though. For one thing, he couldn’t tell anyone who he was. For another, Marinette could get weirdly tense around Adrien sometimes. He had yet to fully work out why. He just knew that he couldn’t bear the thought of her being weird when he was sharing something so private.

His mission complete, and assuming Marinette was busy, he turned to go. He was startled when a small but strong hand gripped his wrist, stopping him before he clear the railing. Chat turned, startled, and saw Marinette had closed the distance between them in a blink. She didn’t let go, either. Her expression was pure determination, like she was going to say what she wanted to say no matter what.

“You know,” Marinette said. “You could talk to Ladybug, I bet. She’s your friend.”

Chat blinked at her, then shook his head. “No, I couldn’t.”

“Yes, you could! She wouldn’t think less of you!” Marinette argued. “And… and you said it yourself, right? She doesn’t like you that way, so it doesn’t matter…” She trailed off when his ears and tail drooped and bit her lip.

“It’s true that my lady doesn’t love me back,” Chat agreed, forcing a smile. “But I still couldn’t tell her this. She doesn’t want to know any private details about me. We don’t talk about anything important.” It was true, but he also didn’t think he could admit this to Ladybug on the off-chance that someday she decided to reciprocate his feelings. If that ever happened, he would figure out what to do about the sex thing then.

Marinette looked slightly perturbed. “You talk like you think you’re not important,” she said, as though baffled, and Chat cocked his head.

“Well, that’s because I’m not,” he said. “Ladybug has way more important things to think about. From the way she talks, she has great friends and good parents and a really busy schedule. She barely has time for akuma attacks sometimes! She gets really mad when Hawkmoth sends an akuma when she’s trying to do something else…” He smiled genuinely this time.

“But she’s your friend too,” Marinette persisted. “She would listen. She would help you to understand that it’s okay, believe me.”

“Maybe,” Chat said politely, not wanting to argue anymore, but also knowing there was no way in hell he was bringing this up to Ladybug.

Marinette pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. “Come back here tonight.”

“What?” Chat said, startled.

“I have to thank you for the flowers,” Marinette said. “They’re way nicer than what I did for you. So come back after dark. I’ll be waiting.”

“Marinette –”

“You better not keep me waiting long!” she interrupted, walking back to her room. She climbed back through the window and slammed it shut. Moments later, the curtain was sharply drawn across.

Chat stared at the window, dumbfounded. He was pretty sure he had inadvertently offended Marinette, though he had no idea how. And he was almost afraid to show up tonight… but he was no longer sure he had a choice in the matter.

ALL.THE QUESTIONS FOR THAT ASK MEME

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? I use he/him pronouns, please! And I have a lot of identities so uh, be warned. I'm nonbinary! Not really sure on gender, or any specifics. I'm pretty fluid between andro/masc/fem so??? It's a big Question Mark. I'm polyamorous! I'm in a handful of relationships but they're all important to me. I'm also pretty open about loving and appreciating my friends too! I'm pansexual! I'm also panromantic and nebularomantic! I know people debate on pansexual/polysexual/bisexual all the time, and honestly I just go with pan cause I like the flag colors xD But also, it's basically me saying I feel attraction not based on gender/presentation! 2. How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story? Oh oof okay so. I noticed it since I was YOUNG. I always thought girls were cute?? I'm AFAB, for the record. But I always figured that was something everyone was into. Then some people were talking about lesbians and such, and I was like "Well yeah, I'd kiss a girl" SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WELL THAT WENT OVER. People asked me if I was gay, and I didn't think I was? I liked boys too! Wasn't until probably high school that I finally settled on "Yeah, I'm bi." and then discovered the whole gender spectrum and being nonbinary and so much just fell into place 3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? So I present pretty andro, I think! I don't try to fit a masc/fem scale but like, in person I don't really make a big deal out of it. There was a stretch of time where I went by she/her still, even as a nonbinary. But I switched to he/him about a year ago and it's just GOOD for me. Well.... Someone I really don't like joined the chat where I first decided to go by he/him. They joined, and they bitched to the mods about not liking me, but they called me "she/her" EVEN WITH he/him being in my intro. The mods were friends of mine and corrected them and were DEFINITELY on edge and asked me if I ever went by she/her or if they were purposefully misgendering me. 4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react? I'm pretty sure it was my boyfriend, Eric! They didn't give a shit HAHA, and have been all respectful and everything. 5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel? So I don't actually remember when I told them? But it wasn't a big deal actually. 6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react? Oof so, I don't think I ever straight up told my mom. But I don't really care what she thinks anyways LOL I did have to tell Eric's parents, though! When we were poly and dating our qpp Reina. (Didn't want to explain those details and shit to them). But telling them that meant telling them I'm gay haha. They totally didn't care and have been so welcoming and accepting, i love them so much ;;w;; 7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality? "Why do you need to be polyamorous do you not love your partners does that just mean you want to sleep around you're just using it as an excuse to cheat on your partners" All said from people who don't know shit about being poly. 8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. Oh god this is so boring. I just wear jeans and tshirts xD Nothing special or SUPER GAY. 9. Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships? ROSE/PEARL FROM STEVEN UNIVERSE I don't consume a lot of lgbt media apparently, huh. 10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any? Sometimes! Usually no, though. I like eyeliner most of the time. 11. Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you? YES. So with my chest it's more frequent, I also just don't like being as fat as I am. SO that's half my body problems. Bottom stuff is less frequent but usually during That Time Of The Month (Which, I actually haven't had for YEARS, but I started getting again recently, I hate it.) 12. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community? "Oh yeah I'm inclusive of ace/aro people in the LGBT community!! You have a chemical imbalance in your brain which makes you just like us!!!" Like.. what the fuck. 13. What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? I love how we're all THERE for each other! You join a chat, go "Hey I'm gay" and we're like "GAY??? GAY???? GAY???? GAY????" we're like dogs LMAO 14. What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? Sick of transmeds and terfs and ace/aro exclusionists and shit, fuck off my blog. Also??? Can we stop making jokes about MOGAI identities and shit??? "Lmao this gender is based on being a special snowflake" cool shut up, let people live damn, it's not that hard to just respect people. 15. Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not? Nope :c Everywhere I've lived either 1. there wasn't any close to me/I wasn't out, or 2. ITS TOO DANGEROUS TO GO, or 3. I don't have a car lmao. 16. Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity? Lil Nas X, hands down. He's a great dude. 17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet? I'm in three right now!! So the first is Eric, we met on an online rp chat website thingy! Second is Chander, we met through a mutual friend and we knew each other like a year then within the span of like two months we started dating and now we live together, 2.5 years later xD Third is Jay! I met him through a kin Discord, we've been friends over a year but it took a few months before we started dating! 18. What is your favourite lgbt+ book? Y'know I don't think I've ever read one. Uhhh... I mean the Black Dagger Brotherhood has a gay couple??? Does that count??? xD 19. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened? Slightly! Most of mine is about being polyamorous. I have people tell me "That's not enough to be lgbt" paying 0 attention to me also being nonbinary and pansexual. Also had people tell me I'm not trans enough to be nonbinary because I don't want to transition. 20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show? One Day At A Time? That's about the only one I can think of LOL 21. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers? Uuhhh I don't really follow bloggers. 22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim? QUEER and gay itself. People act like "gay" was never used against the lgbt community like, bitch, if Hillary fuckin' Duff has to tell some stupid teens in a PSA to not use "gay" like that, then I'm reclaiming it, shut up. 23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it? Nope and nope. 24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you? I'm nonbinary! I use he/him pronouns and it pretty much just means I don't wanna be a boy or a girl. I don't mind being called like "You're a good guy" or whatever. 25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not? Not really? I'm very selfish and self-centered, I don't think I could handle having a child xD 26. What identity advice would you give your younger self? "You don't have to figure this all out right now! You have time! Also, make friends with gay people. They're not some closed community where if you join and you're wrong they abandon you." 27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships? Eh, nah. Like I'm a big "Yeah sure I'll do laundry and dishes" or whatever. But I'd rather share responsibilities! 28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender? I've been questioning and trying to identify my gender a lot more and get more specific, but I'm in no rush. 29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+? We're just people, man. That's it. That's all there it to it. You don't have to have the same feelings as us, but just give us the right to love and marry who we want, or not do that, or have our relationships look however we want. 30. Why are proud to be lgbt+? I'm proud to be LGBT because it means I'm in a community of people who are accepting and caring. It's like a family wherever you go.

Thank you for the asks <3

Fanfic Writer Meme: 8, 19, 30

Aus or canon?

I like canon-compliant things when I like the canon. If I think there’s stuff in the canon that needed fixing, I like fix-fic AUs. I’m not big on “casual” AUs of epic fandoms (e.g. high school, coffee shop, florist, certain brands of soul mate), but that’s just a taste thing.

How do you feel about PWP (porn without a plot)?

Okay! So this actually was a big ol’ story! To catch up those who don’t know - I’m asexual, and pretty sex-repulsed in the traditional sense. (I do have one weird kink, I’m one of THOSE aces, but a lot of people have weird kinks. I’m only disclosing in case this comes up later and people are like “BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE - “.) But I didn’t figure this out until literally after I graduated college because the resources on what asexuality is weren’t really available to me. I thought if you were ace, that meant you had to be aro, and I definitely wasn’t aro. I thought I was just unreasonably scared of sex and I would have to “get over it” someday (...yeah, not happy times, and probably a good thing I didn’t ever go on enough dates to warrant anyone discussing bases). ANYWAY. So I got into Internet fandom at the tender age of...18. But I acted like a 15-year-old brat. Autism ahoy! Anyway, I kind of just jumped into the deep end and what do I find? PORN. ESPECIALLY MLM PORN, AND I HAVE BEEN RAISED IN A WHITE SUBURB WHERE LGBTQ+ ISSUES JUST WEREN’T TALKED ABOUT. I had heard the “teen sex is bad” narrative enough to take it to heart, and I thought that by remaining a virgin, I was holding a moral point over others. Look at me! I’m a good girl who doesn’t have sex! No, honey...sweetie...past me...there was a very definite reason you didn’t have sex as a teen and it wasn’t moral. You’re probably wondering how this ties into PWP. Well, since I had it in my head that sex was this big bad thing that was Not Good, I found all the mlm porn, yaoi included (and, as I’ve mentioned - back in the day, no one really knew how to use the term “yaoi,” so people might call their mlm fic of fluffy hand-holding “yaoi” and then there’s me who looked up the literal definition of the term going “WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WRITING IT?”). Soooooo I kind of...went on a crusade to reject all the sexual content. I was just mega grossed out. I couldn’t handle it. And I thought it was something moral, something in which I was taking a high road. The crossing of the erotic content with the queer content actually contributed to that phase where I was...kinda homophobic, not gonna lie. I shudder when I look back. Anyway, the longer I spend in fandom, the more I get whittled down bit by bit - maaaaaaybe it’s not such a bad thing for people to like to write about sex, but that doesn’t mean I have to read it because still ew. But at least I get way more comfortable with queer ships and realize their importance for representation! Fast forward waaaaay into the future, when my friend is explaining to me over dinner at a Noodles & Company what asexuality REALLY means and sex-repulsion, and IT ALL. FUCKING. CLICKS. So, okay, I now realize that PWP exists because it turns some people on, but I don’t like it because I don’t like looking at crotches, even in my mind’s eye! We’re making progress now! Actually, realizing how much of my sex-negativity was tied to my own asexuality and repulsion was a huge gateway for me becoming more sex-positive and supporting others’ decisions in that realm. You do you (and your partner/s, so long as there’s consent all around)! But NOW we’re in the phase where I’m well aware of why I don’t like PWP and still the fact remains that SO MUCH fic is PWP and I’m trying to just find something please that isn’t PWP in some of my niche fandoms. (Also I may be bitter about some old PWP fanfics that got famous in my old fandoms, not gonna name names ‘cause that’s rude, but, like, people saw me get pissy about porn and still rec’d me those fics unironically, up to and including NON-CON which is my least fave kink, and I’m still mad about that whole situation. Guys come on. I can’t be the only one out of all of you that was confused on sex repulsion.) So I’m scrolling through things going “Nope, nope, nope, porn, porn, porn, not my thing, not my thing, WHERE’S THE CONTENT I WANT?”. Which is really my fault for shipping rarepairs and getting into niche fandoms. Go me. BUT THEN. ENTER NETFLIX ASOUE. I get really into shipping Fernald/Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, which...I’m sorry to say I don’t actually like anymore (THANKS, SEASON 3). But here’s where I’m going to start naming names because these ARE good fics (though, I warn you, these ARE E-rated and M-rated, so proceed at own risk). I wrote Amorous Accomplices ch. 1, starting on Tumblr and transplanting it to AO3. After that, I go on a search for the same ship, and there are a few fics out there (actually mostly inspired by mine now that I look back...I’m glad to have lent you the inspo!). I read through all of them...except the ONE that’s pretty much PWP. And then I’m out of fics. And I want more content. So, on a lark, I decide to read The Morose Motel by knockoutmouse. AND...IT’S ACTUALLY GREAT. It actually only gets to the sex several chapters in and builds up with relationship fluff beforehand, and that was probably the best way to intro me to it. I realized that erotica could be a GREAT place to see ships I liked in a new and incredibly intimate setting! Also, while I still don’t like seeing lewd fanart or nudes, I realized that just text-based stuff wasn’t so gross to me anymore - in my head, I had control over how much you could see, and if I did picture things explicitly, I still held the reins. So basically, knockoutmouse got me into reading smut. After that...I don’t necessarily like reading it for any old character combo, as it doesn’t have the *ahem* effect on me that it does other people. But I do really like reading it for ships I DO like to see how their dynamic works in the bedroom. I’ve read some really good ones for IsaLea and for animated!Jafar x Captain Hook Onceuponatime (TRUST ME IT’S A GOOD SHIP). So, if you make PWP of one of my ultra OTPs, I’ll be there! Otherwise, well, again, you do you and I’ll just find other things to read. Now, that was a long story and time you wasted when you could’ve been reading a PWP.

Favorite fic writers?

I’m glad you asked me this, because I answered it once before. And I stand by the two I said: @gavillain (one of my best buddies and a truly AMAZING writer) and Beastrage (one of the best names in the Kingdom Hearts fix-fic industry). But last time I was asked, I somehow FORGOT @imagitory, master of the LONG EPIC ensemble-cast fic. Hoooopefully I haven’t left anyone out this time? (Feel free to come banging on my door if you’re reading this and are one of the faves I forgot.)

Get to Know the Author

Tagged by @eastofthemoon. Thank you!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

“Maychoria” was the name of the main country in the fantasy novel I wrote when I was thirteen and fourteen. It means “happy land,” based on two words I found in a Greek dictionary we had in the house. So “Maychorian” basically means “inhabitant of the happy land.”

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

On AO3, A Split-Second of Violence still has the most views and kudos and bookmarks, over 46k hits and almost 2500 kudos and 762 bookmarks. The first and second Boom Crash stories combined beat it, though, and Sell Me Your Nightmares beats it for comment threads. Over all platforms, I’m pretty sure my most famous fic ever is still Entertaining Angels, a deaged Castiel fic I wrote at the cusp of Supernatural fandom, just as Castiel was starting to get popular. I  happened to write that story at the exact right time, in the mid-season break when everyone was hungry for more of the intriguing character we’d just been introduced to, and cute deaged angel boy trying to help Sam and Dean with their respective traumas was bound to be a hit no matter who wrote it. Plus I gave him pneumonia. It’s a thing I do.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

Same as my current tumblr icon. Cuz Lance has the best expressions and he’s the cutest and the best.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I do, and I love them and appreciate them so, so much. If you comment on a lot of my fics and/or chapters, you’d better believe I notice, and I love you, even if I don’t respond.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Basically anything in this tag: https://maychorianrecs.tumblr.com/tagged/personal-favorite.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

Oh, golly. My work subscriptions at AO3 is currently at fifteen pages. A lot of those are completed or abandoned, though. No idea how many fics and authors I’m still subscribed to on ff.n, mostly in dead fandoms. I have 80 bookmarks on AO3 at the moment, but that is not an accurate representation of the fics I like and recommend others read. That would be @maychorianrecs, which currently has 681 posts and isn’t even complete even for the Voltron fandom, let alone the other fandoms I read now or have read in the past.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

The Dream Seam ‘verse is definitely the one that owns the largest part of my brain right now, but I’m also looking forward to getting back to my DnD AU once I finish my current big projects. I tend to write more canon-divergence AUs than alternate realities, in most cases. I like exploring how things can differ across time if one small (or large) change is made in the setting we know and love. Like what if Castiel went back in time and ended up as Sam and Dean’s older brother? Love that one.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

User Subscriptions: 617 Kudos: 27064 Comment Threads: 5019 Bookmarks: 5631 Subscriptions: 2713 Word Count: 1169905 Hits: 325489

That’s insane, and it’s only in the last three or four years, since I didn’t really start using AO3 until mid-2014. I have a lot more before that on ff.n and other sites.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

If there’s something I want to write and share, I will find a way.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

I wish I was better at action. It always takes me a lot time to sort of choreograph it in my head and then describe it in a way that makes sense. I also need to work on writing believable romance, since I want to eventually write more mainstream fiction, and it’s pretty normal for characters to have romances. I can’t just write everyone as being aro/ace or siblings, though I kind of want to. I wish I wasn’t such a procrastinator and had more energy to spare on responding to comments, because I really do love them and appreciate them.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Only if you count gen as a rarepair, which it kind of is. Otherwise, no ships for me, ever. I tried it. Didn’t much like it.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

70. Some of them are reposts. Eventually I need to get all of my fics over to AO3. It’s definitely the superior platform nowadays.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Unposted? Mm, more than five, less than a dozen. I tend to post things as soon as I’m halfway satisfied, because I crave that sweet, sweet feedback.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

They’re mostly up in my head. If it changes by the time I start to write it, that’s fine. And if I forget an idea, a new one will come along sooner or later. I write in the now.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Yes, a few times, most recently with ardett for Sewing Patches. It was a great experience.

16. How did you discover AO3?

Back when it was just getting started, I got an invite to the beta from an LJ friend. It wasn’t until years later that I got into sports anime fandom and decided I wanted to start using it, so I searched my email to find that years-old invite and used it.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

I’m well-known in the gen corner of my fandom, which is not the same thing as being a BNF in the fandom as a whole. I have no doubt that 99% of Klance fans have no idea who I am, and Klance basically IS the Voltron fandom, much to my annoyance. But I’m fine with the way things are. I interact with cool people all the time and get to show them awesome stuff and get nice feedback when I post fics, and that’s what I want.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Nah. That seems kind of pretentious and arrogant.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I’ve wanted to write since before I knew how to read, as far back as I can remember. As soon as I understand that those scribbles on a page meant something and told stories, I wanted to tell my own. Certainly in my teenage years I was very inspired by the fantasy and science fiction authors I adored, like Tolkien, Lewis, MacDonald, Orson Scott Card, Stephen King, Tamora Pierce, etc. I have been encouraged along the way by many, many fellow writers, as well. But as far as an instigating person at the very beginning, I can’t think of one. I just always knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Just do it. Post it if you’re brave, keep it to yourself if you’re not. Make yourself happy first. Find one person who will read and enjoy your stuff, otherwise it will get stale writing only for yourself. But first and foremost, stoke the fire in your own belly until you have no choice but to use it, to let it fly from your fingers in words and paragraphs. Once you start, keep going, even when the fire burns low. Discipline is more important than inspiration in the long term, but inspiration is how you start.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Mostly the latter. I’ve written from outlines in the past, and I sometimes do extensive freewriting before I start something to give myself some semblance of structure, but working from a strict outline isn’t really fun for me. I’d much rather  discover the story as I go. I subscribe to the Stephen King school of writing, the idea that a story is a boulder you dig up with a lot of hard work and exploring. Granted, that doesn’t always work perfectly, and it can lead to stories that are overlong and oddly structured or dissatisfying, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take in order to enjoy the process as much as possible.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Occasionally, mostly not on AO3. My feedback there is by and large very kind and enthusiastic. Every once in a while I’ll get a weird comment on ff.n complaining about some choice I made or chastising me for not doing what they wanted or expected with the story. Mostly I just laugh and let them go, though they used to bother me a lot. Once in a while they’ll make a solid point, and I’ll think about it, and maybe change the story a bit to satisfy the issue that’s bothering me, not for their satisfaction but for my own. That’s exceedingly rare, though. I think I’ve done it twice.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Action is hard, yes. Dialogue and emotional scenes come easily, so naturally that’s the bulk of my stuff.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

My ongoing series and stories are all currently in posting. I have some ideas on the backburner that I haven’t started working on yet, but I’m not the kind of writer who finishes a project before posting, so there’s nothing going on that my readers don’t already know about.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Often as I’m finishing up a long project my mind will already be working on what’s next, yes. Not really planning so much as just daydreaming and working out scenarios in my head, but I do like that I never run out of things to do.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

I try to write at least 750 words every day. Not always fiction, though, sometimes it’s freewriting or a diary entry. This post will probably be my writing for today. 

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Indubitably, since for the very first story I wrote I asked my mom how to spell the word “fan.” I was five.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

Oof, that’s hard. In Voltron, probably Bury the Sun. I keep going back and re-reading that one. It just…hits my buttons. On purpose. I did that. In all of my fandoms ever, probably Coming Down on a Sunny Day. It came together in an extremely satisfying way, and I’m very proud of it, even though the last part never got very much feedback since the fandom had moved on by the time I wrote and posted it.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

I started writing an original fantasy fiction called Cat by Night with the idea of posting it on Amazon and making money with it. But I started it out in very YA fashion with an incipient romance, and it just bored me to tears. I hated it. I couldn’t do it. Romance is not for me.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

I would love to develop my original fiction and discipline myself enough to actually start publishing stuff on Amazon and eventually make enough money to live on, maybe with the help of Patreon. RIght now, though, fanfiction takes up all my creative energy, and I don’t know how I would justify making a living off that.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Making characters cuddle.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Getting characters to the point where the cuddling makes sense and feels in character.

33. Why do you write?

For the sake of the cuddles, mostly. Also because I can’t imagine not writing.

No tagging today because I’m exhausted, but feel free if you want to do this. 

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

Thank you @a-writerwrites for tagging me in this! It took me a while, but I did it!

1. List of works published this year: 

Like to Keep You Laughing

Shut It Down When the Time Comes

Get My Good Side

So Long I've Been Waiting

Bye Bye's Are Not For Legends (I'm Forever Young)

Wednesday Edits (the only one not for an exchange of some sort)

Day 10: Scrub a Dub Dub (from the 30 Days of Smut Challenge)

Plus, one fic in the Girl!Direction Exchange, and one in the HL Exchange. I can’t say which ones yet, since authors haven’t been revealed. =)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Probably Like to Keep You Laughing. It’s the only fic I’ve written with ace or aro characters. I researched asexuality so much before attempting to write anything with that fic because I really wanted to avoid offending anybody. It took a lot of putting myself in the character’s shoes to really figure out how they would act. Well, more than usual, anyway. And it turned out really well. I’ve gotten so much good feedback on it and I’m definitely proud of that. 

This is totally cheating, but just want to say that I’m also super proud of Wednesday Edits, because it took me a year and a half to finish that, and I wanted to give up so many times, but I didn’t. And I’m so happy I finished because I think it wound up being great. So I’m proud of that, too! 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I wouldn’t say that I’m least proud of it, but I wish that I had more time to work on Get My Good Side, which was the fic I submitted for the Winter Exchange. But I was a pinch hitter, so I only had like, three weeks, I think? I wound up going in an entirely different direction, no pun intended, with it than what I planned on, just because I ran out of time. But I’m still happy with the story! 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This is from Bye Bye's Are Not For Legends (I'm Forever Young). 

“Leaving so soon?”

Harry glanced over his shoulder, only to see a third man; Louis, he guessed.

This man was far more beautiful than the others, with bright blue eyes, a button nose and light brown shaggy hair that had a single strand that curled down the side of his face.

He stood with a wide stance, and his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was staring Harry down, daring him to make a move.

Harry turned to face him and said, “I guess you’re Louis?”

“Maybe. Where do you think you’re going?”

“Home, fucker. I don’t know you and there’s no reason for me to stay.”

“How about this reason? I know what you did to Bennett.”

Harry stilled. There was no way he knew about the money.

“What was it? Ten thousand dollars? No, a hundred thou- No! It was four hundred and seventy thousand dollars that you stole. That’s impressive.”

“Shut up.”

“What’d you do with the money?” Louis wanted to know. “I mean, we saw your apartment. You definitely didn’t do any remodeling with it.”

“Fuck you.”

“No, thanks. So how’d you do it?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Of course I would,” Louis grinned. “And so do Liam and Niall.”

At the mention of their names, the other two men appeared from another room, flanking Louis on either side.

“I mean, we already know it’s some kind of mind control. But I get the sense that it’s more complex than that.”

“Why would I tell you?” Harry asked.

“Because we want you to join us,” Louis answered.

“Excuse me?”

Niall nodded happily. “See, we’ve been working together for nearly ninety years now. It’d be nice to have someone else join the ranks. And your power is very interesting.”

“And what exactly is it that you do?”

“Save the world,” Liam answered simply. “Save people from destroying themselves and those around them. Prevent the fall of mankind, that sort of thing.”

“How?”

“Well, like you, young Harry,” Louis replied, “we’re immortal. See, we did some research on you. You stopped aging in 1951, and have been traveling the world ever since. You mainly lived in London up until last year, when you moved here, to this fine city of New York. And last week, you robbed Adam Bennett of almost half a million dollars, which, like I said before, is very impressive.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I love every single comment that I get on my stories, but the ones that meant the most and that made me want to cry the most were the ones on Like to Keep You Laughing. Most of them were from people who identify as ace or aro, and hearing from them that my representation was accurate was incredible. 

Like these ones: “Wow, thank you thank you for writing this! There's definitely not enough ace/aro-centric fiction in this fandom (or most fandoms, really) and you did such an excellent job repping those communities here--at least, I thought so, based solely on my own personal experience being ace and talking to some other ace people. And of course it was very well written and thoroughly enjoyable to read, and I loved your characterization. No pressure, obviously, to keep working on something you feel in your heart is finished, but if you write anything else in this 'verse I'd definitely love to read it. Thanks again for taking the time to write this and posting it! Pleasure to read <3″

“No offense but this was perhaps some of the best characterisation I have ever had the pleasure of reading, like honestly the dialogue was so good and natural and so /them/ it felt like I could hear those words coming out of their mouths, like I wasn't just reading them saying something because it was necessary for the story. And the way you depicted being ace and aro, it was just so good and so well-written and well-thought, I've seen some fics either over do it or just fall completely flat I truly adore this as someone on the ace/aro spectrum and just as someone who loves great writing. If I could leave even more kudos I would!!”

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I already mentioned that it was tough during Wednesday Edits, but it was also really hard when I was writing my fic for the HL Exchange. This was the most recent, and there’s just been so much shit going on in the fandom that there were so many days when I felt like I wanted to just leave for good because I stopped caring and just couldn’t handle it. So writing these characters based on Harry and Louis was really difficult. But I did it! I had support from a bunch of people and I continued reading fics and I just kept reminding myself why I love them so much. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

Definitely Ace Harry/Aro Niall in 'Laughing,’ because I’m just so happy with how I described them and how I had them act in the fic. But also, OT4 in Bye Bye's Are Not For Legends (I'm Forever Young), because in that fic, the boys all have super abilities. They’re immortal and have been working to ‘save the world’ for a long time, so it was interesting to write them as characters who change over a long period of time. Plus, I got to write them in fight scenes, and I’m surprised that I managed to make those somewhat believable. 

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I’m not sure, really. I’ve definitely tried a lot of new things in writing - this year I wrote mpreg, superheroes, ace characters, kid fics and girl!direction - in addition to writing my standard pining and fluff. So maybe that’s it? 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

DESCRIBING THINGS. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t been called out on this more, but I’m horrible at describing setting and appearances. If a character walks into the living room, for example, I almost never tell the reader what the room looks like, what kind of furniture there is, how the character looks, etc. That’s just never been my strong suit, probably because I usually skim over a lot of that stuff when I read fics. So maybe I’ll try to work on that, haha. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

First and foremost, I have to thank Michelle @temporaryfixlouis for being the best beta in the world. You’ve helped me through so many fics, probably more than I have the right to ask for! And you translated some awesome German for ‘Bye Bye’s,’ which made sure I didn’t sound like an idiot writing subpar German. Also, Jen @evenasyoungastheyare for working with me and drawing amazing art for Day 10. Your drawings made me so much more excited to post the chapter! And of course, every author who’s written an amazing fic this year that kept me motivated to keep working on my own stories.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Uhh, most things, haha. Wednesday Edits (and the first part, Monday Meetings) are largely based on my years as a newspaper editor and my time in college, as well. So much in those fics are actual things that I experienced, which helped me write them. Also, my fic for the HL Exchange is based on a lot of things I’ve done in my hometown, and even my job. Let me stop before I tell you which fic is mine. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

1) Don’t give up. You’re going to get so frustrated some times, but it’s all worth it when you have a fic that’s done and ready to be posted. 2) PROOFREAD. Don’t rely on a beta to catch every mistake for you. Proofread while you’re writing, after you write a scene, after you write a few scenes and at the end. And then read the whole story all the way through again. (I’m a little obsessive over proofreading, if you couldn’t tell.) 3) Don’t write in order. I’ve lost inspiration so many times because I couldn’t figure out how to start a story. Usually, one specific scene in a fic stands out for me, and it’s most likely a scene that happens in the middle or toward the end. So just write down everything that you’re thinking of, and then go back and fill in the rest. I usually outline the fic around whatever I have written, and put little notes in if I have an idea of something I want to happen before or after what I already have. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Not right away. I’m taking a much needed break from writing because it’s been overwhelming lately. But I have the third and final part in The Taylor Times series, which I’m excited to work on. I already have a title, so I’m hoping that helps with writing it. I also want to go back over the 5.5K words I had originally written for the Winter Exchange and see if there’s something there that I can salvage. Plus, for at least a year, I’ve been wanting to write a fic based on my day care job, because I think it would be adorable. There would be a lot of cute three-year-olds saying funny things and it would definitely be genderswap, because that’s what I’m experiencing, so... Finally, there are a bunch of my fics that I’ve always wanted to write sequels for, so maybe I’ll finally get around to doing any one of those. 

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I know it says three, but I never follow the rules for these things, so let’s go with @jaerie, @100percentsassy, @suddenclarityharry and @louehvolution. 

And anyone else who’d like to participate!

*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)

Old Scars and New Beginnings Pt28

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

AO3   Beginning   Previous   Next

This shouldn’t be confusing. Marinette knew that. She knew she should be grateful and say thank you. She knew that. But she’d spent so long as both Ladybug and Marinette second guessing everything. Always trying to think ten steps ahead to avoid the fall out. As Marinette she’d spent the last year replaying everyone’s words and actions, trying to find their hidden agendas. They always had one. Everything her classmates did was to set her up so they could run to her parents and get her in trouble. Every time her parents had given her leeway it had been a trick or a trap. The question was what was the hidden agenda here?

The simplest answer was that Mr. Wayne was acting on her parents behalf to see if she would break their rules once she thought she was free of them. Anything she did, anything she touched could get her sent back. Get her put in the institution. Maybe the guardianship had been a ruse. She didn’t see the paperwork only a vague text to say the judge had signed off on it. Mr. Wayne was a businessman, that text could have been about a hundred different things.

If it was real then maybe they were testing her to see if she’d fall back into old habits and patterns. He could be trying to make her comfortable to see if her actions could be linked to her file. The last option was that she was being given all this so it could be taken away as punishment when she failed to meet their standards. The Wayne family was widely known and she’d bring nothing but disgrace to it. Just being associated with her would make it harder for him to do business in Paris, possibly all of France. There was no way she’d remain in his good graces even if he seemed to pity her at this moment.

There were too many unknowns. Too many things she didn’t understand. She felt the phone still in her hand and wished she could actually call her friends. Adrien and Chloe both grew up in affluent families, they’d know what game was being played. They’d be able to tell her how to proceed. But she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t take the risk that it was a trap or a trick. She couldn’t do anything. But he was waiting for a response. She didn’t know what to do.

“Marinette.” She blinked at him and realized he’d knelt down in front of her again. When had that happened? “I’m not sure exactly what is going on in your head but I doubt it’s positive.” She felt tears sting the back of her eyes and dropped them to the floor. Her thoughts felt muddled and she couldn’t come up with a solution. That had happened more and more since she lost Tikki. Maybe she’d never been that smart or special. Maybe it was just because of Tikki, just like her confidence.

“I’m sorry.” She knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. No one wanted to hear apologies or excuses, but she didn’t know what else to do. And she was sorry.

“Sweetheart you don’t have to apologize.” Selina’s voice was calm and soothing but it just made her feel more guilty. “If you tell us what you were thinking maybe we can help.” She felt herself cringe away from them but couldn’t control it. She couldn’t let them know what she was thinking. If she did they might just come up with a different test, one she didn’t see coming. Given she couldn’t even solve this puzzle she certainly didn’t want a different one. She felt her breathing start to shorten as she tried to come up with something, anything to say.

“Marinette, no one is going to be mad at you or punish you for your thoughts. No one is going to punish you for using anything in this room you have my word.” Mr. Wayne’s earnest tone caused her to speak before she could stop herself.

“That’s not how it works.” He looked confused and when she dared to glance at the others they did too. Her attention was pulled back to him when he spoke.

“Not how what works exactly?” It was another trap and she’d fallen straight into it. Either she backtracked and lied or she told the truth. Was it worse to be punished or have to face a new test? She couldn’t lie, not when she didn’t have to. She felt her shoulders slump and mumbled her words towards the floor.

“Nothing is ever that straight forward. There’s always a trick or a hidden reason.” She heard shuffling from the direction Jagged and Penny were in but otherwise it was silence. She’d made him mad, she knew it.

“Can you give me an example of what you mean?” His voice was still soft but she heard an edge in it. This was bad. Marinette handed the phone back to him before she spoke.

“Four months ago my parents gave me back my phone privileges. They said I could call Adrien or Chloe once a week. One or the other, not both. They made that very clear.” She’d known they were monitoring the calls, but she didn’t think past the obvious restriction. “I called Chloe the next week and Adrien was with her at the time so I got to talk to both. That wasn’t acceptable. I broke their rules because it was supposed to be just one of them. That’s why I’m not allowed to call them anymore, because I can’t be trusted to do as I’m told.” She could feel tears on her face but couldn’t do anything to stop them. She didn’t think hard enough, didn’t put it together fast enough. She should have been able to understand better.

----------------------------------------

Bruce just stared at the phone in his hand before looking up to see varying expressions of horror and anger on everyone’s faces. At least now he understood why she’d seemed afraid of the phone. How was he even supposed to begin to help her if she thought everything coming out of his mouth was a lie? Or at least a half truth.

“Marinette, why do you think Alfred set all of this up for you?” She hugged herself and he could see tears dripping off her face. Her mental battle was visible in every shiver or head shake. How did anyone live like that? She saw danger everywhere, even more so than him.

“I’m not sure.” The words were forced and he could tell she meant them. But given everything that just meant she had multiple bad scenarios running through her mind.

“Is there anything I can say or do to make you believe that it’s because we want you to be happy and comfortable here?” That actually caused her to meet his eyes. He saw fear first followed by panic then they settled into guilt.

“I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I just… I don’t…. I don’t deserve to be happy.” She actually believed that. There was no doubt in his mind. She’d been conditioned to believe she was at fault. Conditioned to believe that everyone deserves more than she does. Conditioned to believe that she was nothing but a problem to be dealt with. How did you even begin to reprogram that kind of thinking?

“Would you like to go help Alfred make dinner?” He had no idea where the words came from but she brightened immediately. For right now she needed to feel useful. They could manage that at least.

AO3   Beginning   Previous    Next

Kofi

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