I need to eat massive amounts of KitKats at this exact moment before I kill myself snzkjoznojndojnfjifbjifb

i like to make fun of murderbot for being all "i hate everyone, i don't care about anything or anyone, fuck off" while simultaneously caring very much about the people around it and the situations it finds itself in. i love how it "accidentally" ends up caring quite a lot about the friends it makes along the way. but i think something that i tend to forget is that murderbot actively decides to care - at least at some point in its story.

idk, as a person that struggles with depression, this paragraph from artificial condition really resonates with me. prior to all systems red, murderbot had contracts. it had routine and it had protocols. it knew what it had to do to just get by, how to perform so no one would notice it had disabled its governor module. it was deeply depressed, yes, but it was functioning (for lack of a better word). in artificial condition, murderbot's routine is gone. it cannot go on in that state of numbly going-from-contract-to-contract, putting in as little effort as possible, consuming media to cope. that option is gone because it escaped (and note that escaping the company was not an active choice, it kinda happened to it). murderbot has two options now: it can either gather all its energy; actively do something new and difficult and distressing; change something in its life and try. or it can let the numbness and the emptiness take over and stop trying. if murderbot wants to survive as a rogue secunit, it has to try. no matter how difficult that is. the wording in that paragraph really hits home for me. the way the non-caring sees an opportunity to slip in and to take over. does murderbot even care? does anything really matter? is anything really worth the hassle? wouldn't it be so much easier to just let your mind slip away a little, to go numb, to be passive, to watch media and wait for things to happen to you? wouldn't it be nice to stop thinking and struggling and feeling complicated things? to stop making an effort? you've been dealing with a lot lately and maybe it's time to just shut down. maybe you'll just take a little break. just slip deeper into this chair and start the show. time flies when you're not paying attention. trying is exhausting. who cares if you don't do the things you wanted to do, you were supposed to do. it'll be fine. let's just ignore those things for now. just let the non-caring take over. just stop thinking. you can deal with the aftermath later. just watch your shows. who cares. but murderbot cares. it decides to care. it decides to fight with all it has and i think that is so brave. and i think in the later books caring is less of an active decision for murderbot. once you start caring, it's easier to keep going than to stop; and murderbot, for all its "i'm a grumpy rogue secunit, leave me alone" behavior, knows just how important caring is. so it's not that it doesn't know what's happening; rather, it lets itself care. tl;dr: caring is not the default for murderbot, it's just the more difficult of two options. and it decides not to take the soft option. it decides to struggle. it decides to care. and so it does.

do you ever just cry while thinking about how tender creature is with lisa or are you normal?

being depressed is like experiencing full gravity on the moon and watching every other bastard float around while you stomp wretchedly from crater to crater

wouldn’t it be funny if i learned how to draw in the 90s anime style just to make fake anime screen caps of worm. haha. but i would never do that i mean that’s ridiculo

I was gonna make a post earlier about how life hasn't actually sucked lately and that things have been going surprisingly well for me but then like an hour later I discovered I have to move out of my house ASAP which means I will probably have to move out of state bc I can't afford to live here anymore

gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.

yes i'm sad and cold and unbelievably touch starved. but both of my cats are napping on their heated blanket, inches away from each other. one of them is purring so loudly i can hear it over the sound of the show i'm watching. the other is gently snoring, kicking her little feet every few minutes in her sleep. how can i feel lonely when these beautiful little animals trust me enough to sleep peacefully in my presence? how can i let the sadness overcome me when i have been blessed with the privilege to love, to protect, to cherish these creatures???

sorry for how slow and sparse I've been getting around to everyone. I'm doing my best but genuinely rn I desperately need to take care of myself instead of always putting others first.

as much as i wanna tear my brain out for deciding to ban drawing for me during exam season, it has lead me to watching proper drawing lessons online and studying drawings so maybe i will become as good as the greatest soon

anyone else completely overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of themselves for the rest of their lives. like you’re telling me i have to eat well and drink water and do skincare and brush my teeth and move sometimes.. forever? forever? girl i can’t even do that two days in a row

*guy who hasn’t posted in 8 weeks voice* um. hi for the love of god hello

hey ouhhh does anyone have knowledge about trans binding tape that they could impart on me

just purged through more than a ton of my posts. felt amazing.