#im mentally ill i warned you about this
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BPD culture is feeling bad when people say your blaming your behavior on BPD when you're putting in every ounce of your being to change and act differently while explaining how your BPD makes your symptoms appear and why you act that way because of it.
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#cluster b culture is#bpd culture#bpd#actuallyborderline#actuallybpd#mod saltwater#YEAH#i hate it when people accuse me for giving excuses when i say this#like??? im telling you Why i did it how is that an excuse#its the truth????#im mentally ill i warned you about this#dont get pissy because i have symptoms
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Watching Elizabeth (1998) and that scene with Mary and Elizabeth at the start but make it Rhaenyra and Aegon. "When i look at you i see nothing of the King, only that whore, your mother". Mental illness
#this is me going insane about Aegon's resemblance to Alicent again#does Rhaenyra look at her beloathed brother and just see her old friends face do you think#the same way alicent is forced to see rhaenyra in her own children's faces#they cant escape each other they are bound by blood#and aegon who resembles nothing of his father who did not even like him <3#alicent/aegon/rhaenyra mental illness never leaving me#im warning my total of like 7 mutuals i will be insufferable when hotd season airs be prepared#hotd#aegon ii targaryen#rhaenyra targaryen#alicent hightower
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Ooh if you're still taking prompts I'm submitting one for Parkner (can't wait for the last chapter of a peach like you btw!) I liked the idea of a combo of #8 and #46 or just #28 because werewolves!
Heeelllloooooo dear darling anon. Do you remember me? Do you still read parkner? You sent this prompt in April of 2022 and Congratulations!! I'm finally filling it over a year later 😬 sorryyy
These prompts are from this prompt list. I was tempted by 28.) werewolf au. both of them are werewolves, which was surprising bc I've been exhausted on werewolves (and vampires) for a while now, but I thought it would be fun if it was human Ned's POV scrambling to keep Peter's big hairy secret from their new roommate, Harley, that they found on craiglist, only to come home one day after months of scrambling to cover claw marks and sweep up tufts of fur to find not one but two werewolves sacked out on the couch, one blond and one brunet, and realize he'd been cleaning up after both of them and they need to have a serious conversation once they're all on two legs again.
BUT I decided not to go that route because a combo of 8 and 46 was just too alluring.
8.) every single kiss so far has been a disaster but it’s really funny
+
46.) don’t have a one night stand with your coworker on the spaceship
Is your memory refreshed dear anon? Is this at all familiar? Regardless! I wrote the thing and per the norm I took it too far so here's a snippet of the beginning and a link to ao3 where you can read the other 8k assuming you still read parkner 🫠
adventures with hair dye and feelings — In Space!
or 5 times Harley and Peter don’t kiss + 1 time they do (in space!)
A light breeze stirs the early morning fog that crowds the Avengers compound and whites out the world to none but their research team of four. Tony, their self-appointed leader, clears his throat and looks down his nose at them. Since he’s the shortest this is only possible thanks to the incline of the spaceship’s docking ramp and his position at the head of it.
He pitches his voice to carry. “Before we embark on this scientific expedition I’m going to lay down some very strict rules.”
On Peter’s right, Bruce shifts and huffs impatiently.
“Hey, this is serious, Jolly Green. Listen up.” Tony holds up five fingers. “Rule number five, anybody that messes with my music gets thrown out the airlock, no exceptions.”
On Peter’s left, Harley snorts.
“Yeah, I’m talking to you, Johnny Cash. Mitts off or you’re as good as freeze dried and vacuum sealed. Rule number four, no fragrances. That means no body spray, no candles, and no air fresheners. If I catch so much as a whiff of an artificial scent, I’ll make the owner eat it. Rule number three…”
He begins to pace across the width of the ramp.
“No sticky business. Sorry kid but we’re not chancing a heart attack in space because you get the itch to pace the ceiling and scare poor Brucie into thinking he's in Alien. Which brings us to rule number two, don’t set off the green rage monster.”
“Tony—,”
“That one’s for me,” he says over Bruce. “I can be fair and include myself in the rules.” He stops pacing and looms over them. “The last rule is the most important so I need your undivided attention. Are you listening?”
He looks unmistakably from Peter to Harley then back to Peter.
Peter nods.
“Get on with it, old man.” Harley shifts his one allotted bag higher on his shoulder. “Some of us would like to breach atmo before the heat death of the universe.”
Tony eyeballs him but doesn’t rise to his bait like he usually does. His gaze shifts and Peter finds himself drawing up to his full height under his unlaughing stare.
“Rule number one, do not have a one-night stand with your coworker on the spaceship.”
A sliver of Peter’s soul slaws off and dies.
Keep reading on ao3
#parkner#sswrites#harley keener#peter parker#parley#writing prompt#fair warning i was listening to ugly side by the wrecks while i was writing this and it shows#i know sooooooo much about palmistry now you guys lmao#would you believe there are 2 more of these sitting in my inbox? from the same prompt list? sent to me in April 2022?#if i was normal i'd bang out 300 words for each and move on#unfortunately im a mentally ill overachiever with perfectionist tendencies so i only request prompts once every leap year#and then take 24 months to fill them#sunday posting bc like#whats the point
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it’s my depressive episode and i get to choose the background music
#self harm warning#vent art#bpd art#comic#artists on tumblr#borderline personality disorder#mental illness#bpd vent#actually borderline#lonely little comics#yet again i make art about my bpd. enjoy it or die#im being exaggerative btw dont die#or do? ....... not gonna tell you what to do#if nobody got me i know tdcc got me <3#go listen to all of tourist history there is not a SINGLE skip#its not even depressing i just listen to it when im depressed because its so comforting 2 me#if this flops. i wont be surprised. just upset
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hey are there any infinite the jackal rpers who want to rp shadfinite toxic yuri with me on discord...
#preferedly you are also 18+ so i can be particularly unhinged#i should warn you#rp is my stim#i reply at lightning speeds#and i wont ask for a reply more than once every three days#BUT I WILL BE YEARNING.#I WILL BE THINKING ABOUT IT. JUST TRYING TO BE. POLITE.#please shadfinite userbase dont fail me now#ive been sesrching for like a year now#im mentally ill u see#oh also ig this is important#im a third person paragraph guy
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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
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Minor ramble under cut about browsing thru old posts. I was gonna put them in tags of a shorter post but its too long lol
If you can't tell I really love going thru sprees of finding blogs from 2010s. I didn't use Tumblr very much until 2017ish and although I wasnt into Toontown its oddly nostalgic seeing similar posts. In a way it was all heartwarming, bittersweet, kind of sad, a bit cringe inducing (old memes) but mostly positive.
Internet archival and history is a pretty big interest of mine, and I know its a joke to say "Wonder what historians will say about this in 100 years" but in a way you kind of are like a historian on the internet looking at these old posts (If that makes sense..) And putting together trends and even silly discourse.
Its no secret the internet and fanbase culture has really shifted within this decade. I don't know what the reason would be exactly (Probably a mixture of userbase aging and the crushing presence of things like capitalism and other oppressive forces) but even then, hostility is present among new fans and younger fans. Who I do feel sorry for they didn't experience things like goofy reblog chains or DeviantArt journal entries. But even then now, it feels like there isn't much of a space for many of us online. Not without becoming incredibly decentralized, which some people can't just quit certain platforms. (Like needing it for their job)
Getting off topic a bit- I thought about that when I was looking at those old "New to Toonblr <:D" introduction posts, and deactivated blogs long gone welcoming them. I know that theres been quite alot of discourse/bickering lately in certain areas. I've seen alot of pessimism among people I follow or are mutuals with. I also have had experiences with being harassed or being block evaded. I don't know what would neccessarily "fix" that issue, as discourse and bad apples will be in every fanbase. But I think theres a bit of "for myself" think. Sometimes it feels like people view each other as enemies O~O and I notice alot of cliques..
Anyways, just things I thought about. I don't want this to be a "old web good" post. Thats viewing the past with rose tinted glasses. But I think we should maybe examine our relationships with media and our interests and how we talk among each other to create a more fun space for everyone. At the end of the day we all like the same defunct mmo :p
#my posts#turning off rbs because i dont really want this to get passed around its just a 2 am shower thought type thing#and when i mean 'silly discourse' this doesnt include things like warning of geniunely bad users#like creeps and harassers#but i do think in general online some people take a moral high ground and moral panic about these things to elevate themselves#sorry youre learning about my passive interest in cult mentality and group think on my toonblr of all places-#but i think we're just in a very odd time right now as a whole#and we're not even midway thru the decade! eek!#this doesnt just apply to toontown really (which is so funny to say. this intersection about fanbases brought to you by tto) but just -#reminded me of it#if youre reading this far umm uhh um um. ill post ocs soon sorry i just moved rooms got my eye doc appointment#and tackling 2 secret santas! ;A; and im turning 18 next year! im a old fart !!!#2023
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Fear Street Trilogy (2021) does right what almost every other horror franchise does wrong and I love it very very much and I literally don't want to elaborate even though I could for like 10 pages because I wouldn't want to spoil anything! Just! One of the absolute best when it comes to the genre of ghost stories/slasher movies/nostalgic Halloween vibes, you name it. Instant classic.
[ID: a man yelling LET'S GO LESBIANS into a microphone and running down a street followed by a variety of lesbians.]
This image showed up when I searched the gif keyboard for Fear Street, and I cannot think of a more apt gif for these lesbian horror movies (eat it, Bly Manor!!!!)
#competent social commentary in horror movies - a comprehensive list: Fear Street. Candyman (2022). End of list#to be fair i haven't seen a lot of foreign horror and i have other modern black horror i gotta watch still. get out is good.#fear street#fear street 2021#annihilation seemed to know what it wanted to say even if im not quite sure#it's just that horror movies usually have GARBAGE theming. incompetent harmful nonsense.#and fear street - which fair warning if you don't like gore it's p bloody - is the FIRST TIME I EVER SAW A NON ABLEIST SLASHER NARRATIVE#EVER.#after that was Candyman but only the newest one because THE THEMING IN THE OTHER FILMS IS FUCKIN FLAWED#horror movies be like you should be kind to black men and the mentally ill... BECAUSE THEY R ALL POTENTIAL MURDERERS#fucking bullshit#fear street is what every third ghost story fucking WISHES it could be#looking AT YOU BLY MANOR I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR DOING THAT ENDING TO ME#original#horror movies struggle a LOT with not actively fighting their theming with the very premise of the film#candyman 2021 also is excellent but way less campy and a lot lot heavier#PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN IGNORE THEMES AND THAT MEANS THEIR STORY JUST WILL BE A SMOOTH SLIPPERY THEMELESS HAIRLESS STORY#NO.#IT MEANS THE THEMES WILL BE DECIDED FOR YOU. AND THEY WILL PROBABLY SHOW YOUR WHOLE FUCKIN ASS#ESPECIALLY. ESPECIALLY!!!! IF THE STORY IS ABOUT A PERSON COMMITTING MASS MURDER!#someone has to be chosen to kill and be killed! someone has to be othered or demonized or redeemed!#who you choose for these roles and why and how is INHERENTLY POLITICAL AND THINKING OTHERWISE IS A FOOL'S ERRAND#THE ERRAND OF A FOOL#ALSO FEAR STREET IS ABOUT LESBIANS AND CLASS WAR
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I keep realising it's May now, and May is probably the worst month of the year. April is a close match, but it sucks mostly due to dread for May. For the next 2 (ish) weeks I am going to be a disaster. It is inevitable, this is your warning, I never know how exactly it's going to impact me but it always does. Thank you for understanding 💕💕💕
#honestly its the build up that makes me feel so awful#ive been dissociating a lot today so hopefully i just dont have to really deal with anything for awhile. hopefully i can stay removed.#i never know if im gonna go on a mental illness posting rampage or if i will be outwardly normal. regardless. you have been warned.#so like if you see me posting. like. edgy things. please do not be alarmed. it is simply my annual psychic damage blast control.#unrelated but definitely not helping my mood: i just had some really nasty food and i am upset about it.#anyways. just wanted to let yall know what was going on.#thanks for understanding. im sure you know the drill by now.#batty blogging#text
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how you know things are bad - i deeply miss dean winchester
#this is your warning these tags are personal and highly bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#em speaks#spn#no but like he GETS it. he's literally objectively the most fucked up guy ever and he GETS it#he has no self worth and does everything for everyone else and cares way too much about things to the point that he makes poor choices#and he's lonely and he would do anything for the ones he loves and all he wants is peace!!#he's angry and he's passively suicidal - like its the only and most obvious answer to anything - and he had to do terrible things just to#take care of sam when he was only a child!!!!!#god. just god#sorry to everyone here these are the unfortunate reasons why i relate to this man#just a big tbh i attached onto him so quickly because he made very concerning suicidal remarks in s4 and i nearly sobbed because i didnt#know it was capable for me to feel seen by someone who didnt even exist but at least it was someone???#im pathetic i know#and im rambling i know#but i watched that scene and i got it. and i was in the most shitty mental place ever (which i am. again) and ofc thats why i wanna rewatch#so maybe i pathetically feel a little less alone#:")#anyway this was way too personal and if i can remember then im deleting this later. im sorry if you had to see this#tw mentally ill#tw suicide#tw vent
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[suicide cw] [two sentences of pretty blunt mental health context in order to get to the fandom-relevant stuff cw]
so like... that’s up there because fun fact: I’m currently actively suicidal. I’m not in a great place right now (but to be fair I have been here before). As such, I’m mostly interested in doing things that make me smile. In general terms, wherever my head’s at, I enjoy writing. I like to do it as much as I can, no matter what. When I’m in a headspace like this, writing about my favourite characters makes me smile (one of my favourite characters to write about, it turns out, is Tekeny Ghemor). Writing about characters getting into silly shenanigans also makes me feel a little bit better than I usually am. The main point is to feel better.
I’m not so interested in providing intellectual stimulation for other people, because I barely have the energy to navigate my own brain. I certainly don’t have the energy to navigate consciously writing something that explores complex themes or deep moral questions. I’m not going to expend what little energy I have on trying to do that, because it wouldn’t help me in any way at the moment. Perhaps if I did explore those things when I was in a different space, it would expand my horizons in some way. Right now, it is not going to make me better, and that is all I’m interested in. Doing something like that for the sake of other people’s mental edification and/or horizon-expanding will not make me better, at present.
The point of me saying this is not that I want people’s pity, or whatever. The point is that until I say it, nobody has any way of knowing that this is why my focus is where it is at the minute. There will be other people out there who are in similar places, at the very least in terms of where their mental energy reserves are at, and nobody will know that that’s the case unless they say something, which they shouldn’t have to do. I’m only saying anything to try and point out that just... you don’t know people’s situations, or the reason why they’re not fully engaging with something. Or the reason why the thing they want to make is not the thing you want to consume.
I’m anticipating there could be some kind of mocking “some people use garashir to cope” response at least hypothetically, because I know that’s been a thing in the general past. This isn’t that. This isn’t about one particular ship. It’s not about ‘using x to cope.’ It’s about - sometimes people do things at the level they feel able to do them, and you can’t see that level if you aren’t that person. And they don’t do those things for you anyway, no matter if you approve of the level at which they’re doing them or not.
#ds9#deep space nine#cw suicide#suicide mention#idk people block that stuff as all kinds of things im not sure how many permutations of the tags im supposed to do#actually tbf i don't know if this will even show up in the tag if it has content warnings like this#but worth a shot i guess#and yes im aware that by some standards it is extremely cringefail to talk openly about like#the genuine aspects of mental illness as opposed to the memetic aspects#but as you may be able to tell right now i do not much care about that because i do not much care about anything#regarding my own standing or worth or how i am perceived#i am just tired#and a bit sleep deprived#edit: oh shit it worked
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i genuinely have such an issue w how the general internet approaches trigger warnings like on all sides it just fuckin sucks. either theyre completely unnecessary and if u need one ur a baby or u need to tag every possible trigger theres like no in between. and the meaning of what a trigger actually is gets watered in the process like i know this is kind of 2018 to bitch about but i am irritated!!!!!!!!
#gonna blow up genuinely#inspired by a post tht was like a poem of sorts discussing a suicide attempt but like. the way it was set up is that it was split up by#slides ans the title on the first slide was pretty self explanatory so like. you have to swipe to see the rest of it#and people were mad in the comments that there wasnt a trigger warning like. dude#it literally says what its about right there you made the decision to read the rest of it??????#and it didnt even get that graphic imo so like im just confused like do u want the very concept of suicide trigger tagged?????? sorry?????#like sometimes art wants you to feel uncomfortable and upset and thats okay!!! it does not mean you need a trigger tag for it like#im sorry i know discussions of suicide Can be triggering but this wasnt even that it was just like art and the idea of making an artist#trigger tag their work depicting/discussing suicide when it a. isnt even that graphic and b. is set up in a way that you know whats going to#be depicted before even reading it like. that just is so#like its giving tag your self harm scars likeeeeee#just fuckin irks me man#genuinely i think 90% of mental health ‘discourse’ is inane bullshit and like projection and shit but#idk. IDK rhis is a hill ill die on like. if talking about suicide is a trigger then you should handle that on your own and not blame ppl for#discussing it when you like knew what you were getting into#but like also: is it actually triggering you or does it just make u upset#likeeeee its okay to be upset…….healthy even……
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One of my cats, the one who is the best natured, the most tolerant and loving, bites my mom. Real, hard biting that breaks skin. He doesn't do this to anyone else in the house. She acts very victimized by it.
But when I ask, were you bothering him? I know you like to annoy the cats on purpose, were you teasing him after he gave you warnings to stop? Were you ignoring boundaries he set? And she'll give the most nonchalant, 'Yeah, probably.'
I'm realizing a lot about my own childhood trauma. I'm remembering, vaguely, distantly, the way I would have my own warnings ignored. I think I remember being overpowered, physically. In good fun! To play, to tickle! Except that I was so so small, and whether I wanted to play was irrelevant. And I was laughing, clearly I liked it! There was nothing I could do once she was playing, so I started avoiding physical play, keeping myself out of positions I could be trapped and tickled as much as I could.
I remember... How important it was to me to speak for my brother. To make sure he was clearly understood. He needs this, he wants that. He doesn't like that.
He doesn't like that. (Please stop doing that to him.) (Please stop doing that to me.)
We both got bigger and were eventually able to defend ourselves. Strong enough to squirm free and crawl away, or to stay curled up in a ball and not have our limbs pulled open and tickle spots revealed. My brother learned that if he gave no reaction, it would bore her until she stopped, and that worked for him. I learned that I had to grab her wrists and physically push her away for her to stop, and that, in combination with avoiding getting into the situation and repeatedly saying while in a safe position I didn't really like to be tickled ('Of course you do, you used to ask me to tickle you as a kid!' maybe sometimes.) finally got her to stop.
We're both big now. She bothers the cats. She likes to touch their noses and whiskers. The girl cats have learned when to walk away from her, they are able enough to squirm and then run. Roman is too big, too out of shape to run, so he's learned that when he has had enough, the only thing she'll listen to is his teeth.
I don't like being touched by strangers. I hate being tickled, it makes me feel out of control, and helpless. I hate feeling helpless.
I love my mother and she never meant any harm. But I am recognizing more and more harm from her as I start to dig deeper into my past and recognize things as trauma that I didn't flag earlier because they didn't sound traumatic. "I was often held down and tickled by my mom as a child" sounds like a cute childhood story. "I was physically overpowered, touched in ways I didn't want to be, had my protests ignored, and made to feel helpless by a parent" has a much different ring to it.
I was also shamed/guilted into having very, very lax physical boundaries. My mother could touch or grab me wherever and whenever she wanted. I was never sexually abused, never, so it has taken me a long time to recognize the situation as traumatizing. My mom jokes that when I started picking my own clothes, I always dressed like a prude, I never wanted even an inch of skin uncovered on my legs or waist and I would make sure to find the right clothes to achieve that. Leggings, all socks, oversized shirts, layers. As soon as I learned I was allowed to wear jeans I started to do so, and to this day Denim feels like armor to me. She's mentioned it's a texture she doesn't like. I wonder if that's related. I wonder if I was always subconsciously (maybe even consciously, I don't remember much of my childhood and I mostly have emotional amnesia about the parts I do remember- as if it was someone else's life I'm remembering) shielding myself from unwanted touches.
#there is a game my mother plays called 'toe rape' where she tries to catch you by suprise when you are lounging on the couch or recliner#without socks on and she tries go to stick as many fingers between your toes as possible before you physically stop her.#Saying or even shouting 'no!' and 'stop!' will not get her to stop. She's laughing and playing its a harmless game!#I am rarely if ever found without socks on. I have found myself sitting sockless on the couch and when she arrives home gotten up to go put#socks on. I tend to sit on couches with my feet tucked under me and it isn't always comfortable but it feels secure.#I wonder why.#Whenever im home Roman likes to sit on my lap. I pet him and never mess with his nose or whiskers. She says he likes me so much more than#her. She says it jealously. Multiple people in this household have told her its because I don't annoy him on purpose (most of the time.)#i have tried to point out his tells to her. His warnings. When to stop. But she doesn't care. She thinks messing with him and watching him#get increasingly worked up and agitated is funny. Until he bites her. And then she pushes him away all offended and complains.#mom he didn't want to be pushed away he was happy cuddled on your lap he loves you. He just wants you to stop touching him there. He just#wants you to respect his boundaries.#Her husband is the most common target of 'toe rape' and I recognize his yelling and swearing as genuine protesation when she does. I dont#know if she recognizes it too and just thinks it's funny to cross what she surely considers a harmless boundary anyway... or if she thinks#he is playing too. I feel inclined toward the former unfortunately.#And it isn't like she likes to be touched these ways either! And she is firm in those boundaries while making the rest of us feel like we#can't be. ...I don't know. I'm just. Thinking about stuff. Reframing somr childhood memories.#trauma#mental health#mental illness#childhood trauma#atypical trauma
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what is anyone even supposed to say to "you can always reach out to me i'm always here for you" like. oh yeah i know it's been two weeks and we never talk to each other and it's currently 2am but i want to kill myself. how is that helpful
#suicide mention#suicide warning#if you say this to mentally ill people you owe them $1000 immediately in cold cash#and i'd get it if ppl actually talked to you#maybe it's me being autistic and depressed but like#they always go 'oh i care!' no you dont. you dont even know me#youre not going to mourn me#youre going to think about me for maybe ten minutes and move on#yes im back in my episodes#for $800 a month i will shut up and stop being sad#indieposting
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I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut
Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.
How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"
I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.
You will die without it.
And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.
Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.
I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.
#teehee aaaaaaaaa#trauma#rambling#long post#vent#do not reblog#obviously#mentally ill#past life#pseudomemories#pseudotrauma#inthrum bickerman#suicide#trigger warning#tw#forreal this ones bad lol#i mean. like most of it. im talking about a memory where i killed myself. so if you need to know.#but at the end i get beautiful and poetic! and hopeful and soft its great#but yeah its horrible rn
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I'm ngl I'm pro self diagnosis but a lot of you just do not have DID!
#buzgie ❁#love seeing people with absolutely every aspect of their system clearly defined#and then people ENTERTAINING THAT SHIT???#reminds me of when this ''trans woman'' talked about how she got top surgery. to ''give her the boobs''#and said estrogen did absolutely nothing didn't grow them she needed to get top surgery. specifically said top surgery#and when i said she wasnt trans i got a warning lol#just say this shit is a game to you bc it clearly is. cannot fucking stand those ''gender is a silly little game'' fucktards either#oh my silly little system and 50 neogenders as a method of self expression on par with cutting my hair!#i have DID because i was raped so young my brain couldnt process it without splitting into multiple personalities but ok#I have been assaulted over being visibly transsexual but ok#do get mad at me for not wanting to be called a slur because its your ''identity'' though!#slur reclamation is intensely personal which is why we should use it as the word for the whole community & people who personally say not to#in fact if you dont reclaim it its because youre regressive and basically a conservative#god this post went on a tangent#im not entertaining obviously fake DID because its ''respectful'' FUCK OFF#a faker is a faker is a faker I think all the mental illness faker communities are evil and hate everyone w DID but people have faked#illnesses since the dawn of time and right now DID is on trend
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