#autism spectrum
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So your girl finally had a autistic meltdown and finally asked her mum about her childhood and got some mixed results but long story short I am finally getting an official autism and adhd diagnosis because in my mums words “Everyone deserves things that make their life easier to live”. Not gonna lie guys I did cried about this but it also came up that they did tried to get me diagnosed before (I don’t remember this at all) but were told I just had very high levels of hyperactivity so to make sure this type of bullshit doesn’t happen again I am making a list of all my weird or quirky traits and having the neurodivergents of Tumblr peer review them so I can finally get a diagnosis after 19 years of struggling.
1) I didn’t ever in my life made or had friends that stick around.
2) I was actually alienated a lot by most people in my life for being the umbrella term they all coined as ‘weird’ what this weird means varies from person to person.
3) I have actually been told by other girls that they gave me a chance to keep them company even after many people told them I was too weird and they should stay away from me. These same people later called me slurs, were self absorbed or just plain abusive towards me.
4) Through out my whole life I have sat alone on a double bench because no one wanted to sit with me in class.
5) I have a problem with properly spelling certain words like I write weird as ‘wierd’ or video as ‘vedio’.
6) People constantly doubt I have any sense of knowledge and act like any good idea I give is a surprise even when I was on the top of the class the phrases like “ That’s the first good idea you ever had” weren’t uncommon.
7) I walk a lot and I mean a lot enough that hyperactivity has still been a part of my diagnostic because I walked so much they had no choice but to put that in. I actually come to the school 30 minutes early then walked the whole time, I would just up and leave classes to walk in corridors because I couldn’t sit still long enough, my walking is such a huge part of me my old teachers still tell their classes about me as the girl that walked too much.
8) People in my college nicknamed me the headphone girl because I walked around our whole campus( I would pace a lot around the parameters) with my only noticeable feature being my headphones.
9) I was the only kid in my school not scared of bugs which lead to some notable incidents
I once picked a small green caterpillar and showed it off to my class of 10 year olds they started crying and teacher made me throw the bug even though I wanted to keep it as a pet
Our teacher once asked us to bring butterflies to class so I captured around 30 butterflies put them in a breathable Tupperware and took those to class me being the only person who did this freaked out all the other children with my butterflies , we later released them all in recess it was very pretty
I not only volunteered but gleefully presented live earthworms on my palm to various groups of parents in our school science fare much to the horrified looks of many parents and children about how a little girl like me wasn’t screaming from handling earthworms.
I scared our class mean girl by capturing a butterfly and then turning my hand holding the butterfly in her direction she and a few other girls screamed when I tried to tell them that the little critter was harmless and even offered to let them hold her (I was very confused why they didn’t like this).
10) I was friends with a lot of my teachers as well as higher class teachers especially the Science, Social studies and English teachers. I would often spend my recess in the biology lab chatting with the biology teacher about the different specimens in the lab and how much I enjoyed biology in general. I am half sure I would have loved to study biology/medicine if not for the fact it was a minimum investment of 7 years though I am still an avid reader of new biological discoveries and follow many niche youtube channels that focus on flora and fauna.
11) I was actually friends with all 3 principles in my school and would go to them after my last class to chat about my school day. This was so bizarre to others but I actually enjoyed how much these adults would listen to my info dump even if my own peers won’t.
12) Every single time my report card came I would usually top the class in most subjects except maths in which I usually underperformed ( don’t worry guys I figured out later I just need to know every basic concept to get the deep understanding of mathematical principles which my teachers were very bad at build but I later learned how to do it myself) but it would always have in big bold letters that “I talked to much and have weird questions and am disruptive in class ” which my bad I thought I could get details about what your are teaching and develop great interest but nah we just need to complete the syllabus as fast as we can. Salt on the wound I would only ask questions and discuss topics in class with the teacher since I don’t have friends I could talk to in class. They deadass never ever punished a single student from disrupting in class except me the girl who asked silly questions about what we were studying maybe they thought my questions were weird so I was asking them to disrupt they flow of the class rather than genuine curiosity who knows
13) I had very bad anger issues stemming from how the system as well as authority figures treated me ( I have since been to therapy and gotten help for it ) but a lot of time I verbally and physically attacked an authority figures usually when they punished me for something I didn’t do or when they tried to empty out their frustration on me or tried to bully me in anyway. I never took bullying face down from anybody be it younger or older than me my flight or fight response was always on fight
14) People did tried to bully me physically or verbally but I always returned it in kind with interest so it never really stuck like the isolation did. My most memorable experience with bullying was when I bitch slapped our school mean girl so hard the whole ground heard it , I don’t think I ever got any punishment for it and she later burned every friendship she had by throwing her whole group under the bus for some vandalism they did.
15) I unfortunately never had friends so when they school told me telling an authority figure I am being teased, harassed or even that someone is breaking the rules is what’s morally right I ran with the rules set for me rather than knowing the social norms that this would mark me as the school snitch without the teachers ever doing anything about the issues. Unfortunately I learned the hard way through trial and error that once you are labelled as a snitch their is nothing you can do to get that tag off and it comes with the added benefit of making people never talk to each other near me or even just leave the places I visit alone so yay more loneliness for me
16) I actively volunteered for every single activity and program my school office this sounds great but I picked and got selected for all 7 different fairs (English, Hindi, Maths, Science, Social science, Music, Art) but rather than pick out one or two I helped out with all 7 of them. They later added a 3 groups per person limit.
17) I am actually trained in both classical instrumental and singing but couldn’t complete my singing degree before the program closed down and it’s been 6 years since I played a Casio that I don’t think that even matters anymore. Anyway I added this because at first I did both of these at the same time along with volunteering for all the other activities before they added a 1 course per year limit which is a shame since it cost me my vocal degree.
18) I love reading that just the fact I found reading in my school library when I was 8 haven’t let it go since by my librarian’s estimate I read almost 3000 books (mostly children books) from my school library. I also have a mini collection of about 300 books that I have passed down to both of siblings. These days I read mostly on ao3 or the occasional paperback I bought at the airport but reading is still something I do almost daily.
19) See one thing about me is I was one of the first student at my school so much so my identification number was 35 so me being such an old student my school has actually legends about my quirky ( neurodivergent ) behaviour which has made me understand where most legends actually come from
I walked out of classes so many times teachers to this day still tell stories of the weird girl that likes to walk
My whole school knew who I was mostly because I would be the first and only person that likes to answer philosophical questions asked by our principal in the assembly, I was also great with improvising assembly conductions, thought of the days, assembly quizzes, full speeches on topics told to me 2 minutes ago, even improvised song recitations (can you guys pick up I have social anxiety now).
As I told you my lovelies I love reading so if I was immersed in a book and the class started I would just hide the book to read in class once I got caught so I got termed the girl who like to read books in class( is it stupid yes did it still happened certainly). I later learned to zone out to the stories in my mind during class which was very helpful.
As I told you guys I was actually on pretty friendly terms with my principal and teachers so guess who became the teachers pet for the next 8 years even though most teachers care jack shit about my interest and was further alienated because of this me ofcourse.
I actually once locked myself in the school bathroom for like 4 hours because I hadn’t completed the homework a teacher had given me and she was quite physically abusive towards me. I got suspended for a week because of this funnily enough nobody in my school actually remember this and most are really surprised to know I was suspended.
I am actually really famous or infamous by the way you look at it for physically assaulting a teacher funnily enough the name of the teacher, why I am attacked them and even how I hit them changes from person to person I have actually heard 10-15 different variations from different people( I am not even sure if I actually ever hit a teacher most I remember is I lunged at one teacher but she stepped back so I didn’t even touch her).
20) I was depressed from age 14 to 17 which caused me to chronic pain which later caused me to meet my current psychologist who helped me a lot but is vehemently against me getting any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis most she say is I have borderline adhd tendencies and that I think to much and should focus on calming down my mind which honestly is quite invalidating.
21) I can’t wear any sort of itchy or frilly materials when I was younger ( the texture was soo bad) but my sister could which made my mother think I was being a drama queen.
22) When I was younger I use toilet paper after using a bidet because the feeling of wet pants would over stem me so bad it’s not a problem for me anymore except from sometimes during winters.
23) I didn’t know Chewelry existed when I was younger so I chewed on my nails/skin,my lips, squishy parts of remotes, plastic toys, legos, scarfs, hoody strings, hot glue gun glue, chalk, cement, sand, mud etc. (Yes I know about the microplastics now no I don’t care).
24) I am highly sensitive to sounds so if my fan have a weird creak sound I won’t be able too sleep I also can’t sleep if I hear a clock ticking or any other repetitive sounds ( my mum still doesn’t understand why I can’t just force myself to sleep).
25) I also can’t sleep in continuous silence I need background noise to fall asleep.
26) It took me a whole year of forcing myself to wear bra and panties for my body to finally get used to me wearing them. It was a stimulation nightmare but I think it was worth it I enjoy wearing bras and panties now.
27) I can’t eat apples like I physically cringe even thinking of the sensation of biting into an apple. I have tried cutting an apple into every single why I could I still can’t swallow or even properly chew an apple the texture is such a sensory nightmare for me. Cabbage used to be the same for me but though constant reintroduction I can usually for myself to eat it with a glass of water
28) I have had many foods be absolutely sensory nightmare for me throughout my childhood. I was a very picky eater think bread, soup, lentils and noodles(packet noodles without vegetables). I couldn’t eat any kinds of fruits(except banana), vegetables, pizza , burgers (still don’t eat this), dumplings, wraps, pasta,etc. Heck I was a vegetarian for majority of my life before I learned chicken is actually a great textured food for me though I still don’t eat any form of red meat or sea foods and my food list is still very limited I have constantly reintroduced many foods for myself over the years which I can now usually bear to eat. I also learned that I can usually consume fruit and vegetables better if they are liquids so fruits juices, smoothies and soups were also great help.
29) I was and still am an absolutely clean freak and organiser. Like my bag use to have books organised in this specific order English, Hindi, Maths, Science and then Social studies and it needs to been in this order or I would get anxious. Fortunately no one else in my house ever wanted to organise anything so I would organise everything with way I would want it to be while also being neat.
30) One of my biggest sources of stress came from how dirty my siblings made our room. I would deep clean everything and then organise our books , toys and clothes and then clean and organise our bed they would just bulldozers through and ruin all my hard work in a day or two. Unfortunately I had this sense of cleanliness and order since I was a child and my siblings who were even younger then me weren’t slobs(ok maybe my brother was but anyway) they just weren’t wired to like cleanliness and order like I did and being children anything I told them about how we can keep our room clean went over their heads because I was always their to do it for them.
31) I actually had many special interests growing up though I didn’t have trains as an interest except for the cool toy train set I got as a gift or the maglev trains who are objectively very cool. My biggest special interest were rocks, space and animals especially all the books Nat geography and scholastic puts out on animals. I actually had a rock collection mostly made up of sedimentary rock and a piece of lime stone which my mother later kept in the shed where it got lost during home construction. I also have a modest collection of books and another collection of small childhood trinkets that I still have (I recently bought a clay bird that mimics actual bird call when filled with a little water to add to my collection).
32) I forget I need to eat and drink it’s always been like this I don’t have that internal clock that says you are thirsty go drink water or you are hungry go eat food . I need to remind myself it’s been 12 hrs I probably need water it’s been 32 hrs you should probably get some food or at least have a protein shake it’s like my body has no sense of hunger or thirst but I am getting better at eating and drinking at least the drinking water part anyway.
33) I am tired it’s not recent but in the last few years since I became an adult I feel so tired I use to be the topper of my class the gifted children that participated in everything now I am in college and just getting an 80% feels draining everyone has so much hope for me that I could and should do better but I am just tired. I walk and trekk sometimes but I don’t participate in any events and I see others I see my roommate who participates in like 5 different events and still gets a 95% if she can do it why can’t I. I use to be able to do so much and now I don’t have the drive to do much of anything anymore it’s so painful to realise that I should do better but what does better looks like for someone who is as tired as I am.
I did took some online test as well just to see if I even had a chance and the results were mostly the same I have many Adhd/Autistic tendencies and should probably get a professional diagnosis. I would be very thankful if my fellow autistic and adhd people would help me add more targeted experiences so I can finally get a diagnosis
@my-autism-adhd-blog you inspired me write all of this down and it would be very helpful if you could guide me to get a better diagnosis because of your experience. Also I greatly enjoy the contents of your blog so thank you for that
#autistic things#autism#autism spectrum#neurodivergent#neurodivergent experience#neurodivergence#actually neurodivergent#neurodivergent things#actually autistic#actually adhd#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#adhd
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I see this so much so here it is :
just because you don't personally need tone tags/tone indicators doesn't make them 'stupid' , infantilizing, ableist or "making us (autistic people) look 'bad' "
why do y'all think that things that some autistic people need is infantilizing . "we understand sarcasm" well some of us don't and find tone tags useful. You can't erase other autistic people because you somehow think we 'make you look bad' ..man do y'all really not want certain autistic people in the 'autistic community' do you?
this goes for a lot of other things too , honest like some autistic people struggle with more ..how is it ableist to you for people to bring them up..? we exist , why do you want to erase our existence just because you don't struggle with those things..
#ableists#ableist#ableism#fuck you#aspie supremacy#aspie supremacy bullshit#tone indicators#tone tags#actually autistic#autism#actuallyautistic#neurodivergent#autistic spectrum#autistic people#autism spectrum#autistic#autistic adult#asd#neurodiversity#autism spectrum disorder
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Something that confuses the ever loving hell out of me is people who think autism doesn't exist in adults. Or when being asked to picture an autistic adult can't do it. It's really baffling to me, because I think unless you're a conservative autism speaks supporting prick who think autism comes from vaccines or some shit we can all agree that autism is something you're born with and is something that an individual has for their entire life. So why do people think it doesn't exist in adults???? Genuinely confuses tf out of me.
#drag me kicking and screaming#autism#actually autistic#autistic things#autistic adult#neurodiversity#audhd#asd#autistic#neurodivergent#nd#autism spectrum
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"Autism isn't a disability"
Jumping off a cliff won't kill you. :)
Is that too mean? I don't think so, but I'm also just an ass.
Anyway, if you seriously think autism is never disabling, you try being so overwhelmed you break down in tears in front of strangers. Try being completely unable to speak and getting yelled at to "use your words" by someone you barely know. Try having literally any experience except your own. See if you can invalidate other people's then.
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People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.
I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.
I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.
There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me
#autism#actually autistic#autistic thoughts#autistic experiences#neurodivergent#autism spectrum#asd#autistic#neurodivergence#thoughts
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sometimes i feel like people forget autism is a disability. and that’s not a bad thing! i’m all for disability acceptance, im proud of my disabilities. but i feel like we forget autism can hurt.
it hurts that i have to put more time and energy into socializing than others.
it hurts when i need to move so bad, usually cause im overwhelmed by either my surroundings or emotions, that i thrash and hurt myself.
it hurts that i cant be in places that are too loud or too bright, which on bad days can be as simple as a small, quiet noise or dim lights.
it hurts that i struggle to tell when im hungry, thirsty, tired, etc. so i can’t properly take care of myself. it doesn’t help my insomnia and i get very nauseas and get UTIs.
i 100% believe in autism acceptance. i don’t want a cure. but i also want us the acknowledge that it can hurt. it doesn’t mean my entire life will hurt, but some parts will. and i want a community where we can see both sides, see the hurt, and celebrate it anyway.
#autism#autistic#actually autistic#actually autism#autism acceptance#autism acceptence month#autistic things#autistic experiences#autistic community#autistic spectrum#autism spectrum disorder#autism spectrum#disabled#disability#disability pride#disabled pride#disabilties#autistic life#autism life#autism advocacy#neurodivergent#actually neurodiverse#neurodiversity#neurodevelopmental#developmental disabilities#developmental disability
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Way way back I drew a comic explaining what we really mean by ‘The Autism Spectrum’ and posted it here back when Tumblr was Huge. Then the comic really blew up!! Last year I did a remake of the comic, with some updated language, and using Mia, a character from a graphic novel I made. Figured I’d share for Autism Acceptance Month!
#Autism Acceptance#autismacceptance2023#autismacceptancemonth#actuallyautistic#actually autistic#autism comic#autism art#autism#autism spectrum
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One thing about me and my mutuals is we will be on a spectrum autistic?, aromantic?, asexual?, gender?, you name it were on it you’ll find me on every goddam spectrum
#catch me in all of the above#aromantic#asexual#agender#aroace#ace#acespec#arospec#autism#actually autistic#autism spectrum#aromantic spectrum#asexual spectrum#nonbinary#trans#lgbt
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once again thinking about how fucked up it is that special ed used me and other disabled children as unpaid, coerced labor. i worked enough to be making $100 a week. i was "paid" in fake money redeemable only at the school cafeteria, which i worked at, and was forced to do things that distressed me. they gave us $1 a week, if they remembered to give it to us at all.
this was while i would sometimes go the entire day without eating because i didn't have the money to buy food and the free food was not sensory safe. we also worked outside the community - grocery stores, warehouses, shoe stores security tagging items. all under the guise of job skill development, we did $100 of labor a week without ever getting paid. and we were demeaned while we did it. and we were just teens.
so no, i don't want to hear about how special education is good. not with the way me and my peers were treated and taken advantage of. death to institutionalization, in all forms.
#softspoonie#disabled#special education#special ed#disability#disability rights#disabled community#neurodivergent#special needs#autistic#autistic spectrum#autism spectrum disorder#autism spectrum#autism#neurodivergency#ableism#sanism#systemic ableism#unpaid labor#labor rights#workers rights#anticapitalism#anticapitalist#working class#leftist#leftism
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Being audhd is so wild cause I'm like "yeah, i'll move to another country, change my name, convert to another religion, and leave all this behind" and then have a meltdown over a small change in my routine
#wills mumbles#audhd#adhd#autism#autism spectrum#asd#autism spectrum disorder#actually autistic#actually adhd#actually audhd#autistic
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an eloquent take down of the "people are self diagnosing autism to be trendy and for attention" take that morons have been echoing on tiktok
[video description is the reblogs, its very long]
#actually autistic#autism#thatadhdmood#adhd#actuallyadhd#autistic#autistic adult#neurodivergent#autism diagnosis#autistic culture#autism spectrum disorder#autistic experiences#autism spectrum#late diagnosed autistic#late diagnosis#late diagnosed autism#adhd diagnosis#actually adhd#autism tiktok#nd tiktok#neurodivergent tiktok#neurodivergencies#nerodiversity#video described#video description
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“Autistic people need special accommodations” and “autistic people should not be infantilized and talked down to” are schools of though that can and should co-exist.
#actually autistic#autism#autistic community#autistic experiences#autistic spectrum#autistic things#being autistic#audhd#autistic feels#actually disabled#actually autism#autistic#autism spectrum#actually audhd#autism acceptance#autism awareness
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A short story about disability and friendship.
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Please, for the love of god, leave me CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS!!! If you think it’s implied, I promise you that to me it is not. If you give me poorly worded or vague directions I’m gonna spend half an hour stressing over the potential different ways to interpret them and either become paralyzed with indecision or inevitably interpret them the least correct way possible
#actually autistic#autistic rant#autistic thoughts#autistic experiences#autism#autistic#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#neurodivergent experience#asd#autistic things#autism spectrum#neurodivergence
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Neurotypicals all need to be reminded that if you made fun of someone in school for being “weird,” you were making fun of autistic people and that’s ableist and wrong. If you don’t educate yourself and change, you’re a bad person.
Things I saw kids get made fun of for:
Walking on their toes
Communicating directly
Not making eye contact
Making too much eye contact
Having special interests
Not having the right interests
Having few friends
Trying to make friends
Being “too” happy
Feeling overwhelmed
Being shy
Not talking much
Talking too much
Having fun being silly
Being serious
Doing well in class (nerd)
Doing poorly in class (stupid)
Any noticeable stims
The way we eat
A lot of other shit
Yeah, those kids were neurodivergent and you were an asshole to them. Do you see all the contradictions in that list? You never actually had a problem with anything we did or didn’t do. You had a problem with our existence. The way we talked, walked, breathed, you bullied us for it.
What’s even more disgusting and insane:
Lots of these kids chose to spend their elective periods with the special ed kids class. Lots of them grew up to be teachers, SpEd teachers, psychologists, etc. not because they want to help autistic people, but because they want to feel superior.
A big fuck you to all of the bullies and jerks that treated us like shit simply for being different from you.
I hope you’ve changed, but I know you probably haven’t. You’re doing the same shit, all that’s changed is you’re getting paid for it now. Go to hell. (A very particular section of hell where you’re marginalized for your neurotype and forced into ABA therapy and treated exactly how you treated us).
#autism#autistic women#autistic#neurodivergent#actually autistic#adhd#audhd#actually audhd#actually adhd#actually neurodiverse#actually neurodivergent#autistic adult#autistic spectrum#autism spectrum#autism things#autism community#autistic life#autistic problems#neurodivergent problems#adhd problems#audhd problems#being autistic#being neurodivergent
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